I’d love to be around the table with all of you. There is something sacramental about breaking bread together with dear friends, especially with brethren who share the same love, the same mind, the same fellowship in Christ. This Thanksgiving, many of you will be with family whom you did not choose, but want to bless. Others have invited the lonely in, and I know that will be a blessing to both of you.
I am around the table with you in my heart.
Just think of the time we’ll have to get to know each other even better in the new heaven and new earth!
The Closing Chapters of Proverbs Brim with Friendship Wisdom!
I’ve experienced both, and I’m sure you have too:
Wounds from a friend
Kisses from an enemy
I’ve often shared how, when I was complaining to my friend, Jan Silvious, about my administrative assistants quitting, she said, “This seems to be a pattern in your life.” That wound awakened me to my sin, helped me make a needed U-Turn, and drastically improved my relationships with everyone. I also remember, as a young wife, when I was so angry with Steve for his long hours, that my friend Lorinda suggested we pray for him because he was so tired yet caught between a rock and a hard place. I suddenly was aware I was not the only one hurting in our marriage.
On the other hand, I’ve experienced the pain of thinking someone loved me for me, for her words were so flattering, her invite to a nice restaurant so lovely… but when she got the endorsement she sought, she disappeared from my life.
This blog is unique in that we have grown to trust one another, and the motive, perhaps for all, if not most, is to draw closer to the Lord and experience authentic fellowship. We are not using one another for ulterior motives, despite man’s sinful propensity to do so. We do seek wisdom from one another, we do listen to one another, we do pray for one another. How thankful I am for that!
Last week I gave a challenge to ask the Lord, “To whom do you want me to be true?” Let us know how He led you– I’ll ask specifically at the end of the week.
Click below to download the sermon and I’ll put the text in the appropriate days. I strongly advise listening as well as reading, for he is anointed as a preacher.
https://gospelinlife.com/sermon/friendship-2/
Sunday:
- How has the Lord been a friend closer than a brother to you this week? Or how have you sensed His beauty or presence?
Monday: The Text
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
F. Proverbs 28: 23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.
Tuesday: Careful, Candid, Constant
But third … I say but third because you’ll see in a minute, it’s a contrast. Constancy, carefulness. The third thing you have to do for true friendship is candor, truth telling. Look here in the middle. “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Do you see what the metaphors are? They’re deliberately vivid. They’re deliberately paradoxical. Friendly wounds … wounding kisses. The old King James says it this way. Verse 6: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend …” What is this? What are “friendly wounds”? The answer is a friendly wound is a metaphor for words that your friend needs that are going to be painful for that friend to hear, and yet they have to hear them. What if you’re afraid to say what really needs to be said? Then you’re not a friend. Look at the parallelism. This is the way to understand Hebrew poetry. Look at verses 5 and 6. The second clause of verse 5 talks about hidden love. Now that is another metaphor. What it’s trying to say is this is a person who thinks you’re loving by hiding the truth. You say, “I love that person too much to confront. I love that person too much to tell them the truth.” Look at what it’s parallel to in verse 6! Hiding, covering up the truth out of love in verse 5 is the same as the work of an enemy in verse 6. It’s parallel to the second clause of verse 6. It’s just as bad as Judas betraying with a kiss, because why? Because if you say, “Oh, I love the person too much to tell them the truth,” what you really mean is, “I love myself too much to have to go through that.” You’re not being a friend. Look at the very last verse (Proverbs 29:5). “Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.” What does that mean? Instead of telling your friend what’s wrong with him or her so the person gets an accurate view of both their strengths and weaknesses, if you don’t do that, you are setting them up for a disastrous life as much as if you were putting their foot in a bear trap. Why? Because they’re going to make their decisions on the basis of what they think they are, who they are, and they’re going to be making one disastrous decision after another because they’re out of touch with reality because of their so-called friends. By the way, you know the richer and the more powerful you are, the more likely your friends are doing this to you. They’re not really your friends. Go get some. Go get some real friends. By the way, do you notice how hard this is? Carefulness and candor. Candor is, “I’m telling the truth,” but carefulness is, “I am so emotionally connected that the painful words I’m going to tell you are going to create pain for me.” This is the reason why it’s so hard to be a friend. You can either be careful and just shut up, or you can be candid and not really care. Either of those ways isn’t painful, but to be a friend is constant pain because you have to be careful and candid and constant.
3. Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there?
B.The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not? Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance?
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6? Can you give an example of each from your life?
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery? What does Keller say about this?
6. What else stood out to you from this?
Wednesday: Earnest Counsel
I always remember when I was not eager to adopt a special needs child, but Steve was, I went to three different friends, to whom I opened my heart and fears. They all agreed I should go ahead and adopt, but in various ways. One addressed my fear of the child embarrassing me, but she did it gently. She said, “You are one of the most godly women I know, but is this an area where you could grow?” Another gave me verses about caring for orphans. And the third offered to help me by teaching her English.
Here is from Keller:
Last of all, the fourth of the marks of a true friend and the fourth of the building blocks of a true friendship is counsel. Let’s go back to the verse I mentioned two-thirds of the way down before (Proverbs 27:9). “… the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.” The word earnest means from the heart. The word counsel means secrets. It means to tell someone a secret. It means to confide in somebody. What is this talking about? Very recently, a friend of mine called me up. We spent quite a long time talking. When he spoke to me, he was more emotionally vulnerable than he has ever been, telling me about this own weaknesses, telling me secrets about himself that he has never told me before, being more vulnerable than ever, and yet at the very same time, at the very same moment, reading me the riot act about the ways in which my life needed to change or I was going to be in a lot of trouble. When I started reflecting on that very probably life-changing conversation in light of what the Bible says here, I suddenly realized how unique that is. A therapist does need to give you advice, but if the therapist or the pastor or if anybody gets that self-revealing every time you get the advice, that’s not right. On the other hand, there’s a kind of person who just ventilates, just says, “I want to tell you my feelings. I’m going to tell you my feelings.” It’s not really counseling you. This is something only a really close friend can do, and you desperately need it. You’re never going to become the person you need to be, you can be, without it. There are two aspects to this counsel. Here it’s pleasant. It’s reassuring, but look down at the third proverb from the bottom. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” If you have a friendship in which there’s intimacy and there’s sharing from the heart and there’s transparency and you’re letting one another see to the bottom and you’re talking about one another’s things, but if the counsel is always reassuring and sweet or if it’s always challenging and clashing, there’s emotional exploitation going on. Somebody is using somebody. Maybe you’re both doing it for each other. Only if it goes back and forth and you’re getting that kind of counsel, only if there’s that kind of transparency, only if there’s that kind of concern, only if there’s that kind of wisdom, only if there’s that kind of balance will you have a real friend and will you become the person you can be. There it is.
Look at the four: constancy, carefulness, candor, and counsel. Or if you want to summarize them into two, a friend always lets you in and never lets you down. Transparent, always lets you in. Candor and counsel. There for you. Never lets you down. Constancy and carefulness. Always lets you in. Never lets you down. If you find somebody who has that common affinity with you, the foundation, and you use those building blocks, you have a friend. Okay? Foundation plus blocks plus time, and you have one friend.
7. What stands out to you from Keller and why?
8. What is “earnest’ counsel? Can you give an example from your life?
9. Keller pointed to Proverbs 27:17, saying counsel needed to include dialogue back and forth. If a friend comes to you for counsel, how can you help this to be a dialogue? (See also Proverbs 20:5)
Thursday: Happy Thanksgiving? (Short less0n)
Where we get the power for friendship We could end there and say, “Go and do likewise.” But I want to tell you we have a bigger problem perhaps than maybe some of you recognize. If you don’t recognize, let me help you along. Actually, I could triple it with statements of what real friends are like from the book of Proverbs. If you read this page, you get a picture of the ideal friend: a friend who always gives you the truth even though the friend experiences pain in doing so, a friend who cleaves to you and is faithful to you so you’re never ruined, a friend who is emotionally connected and gets into your shoes. When you read the description of a perfect friend, you’ll find two things happen to you just like they happened to me as I was preparing. On the one hand, there’s a feeling of longing. One of the reasons why there’s such a feeling of longing is that we live in a culture in which our friends are taken away from us faster than we can forge them. It’s called mobility. I mean, not only do we have less time in which to stick friendship forging … We have less time. Our hours are longer. Also, they move away, or you move away. They’re taken away from us, or we’re taken away from them faster than we can re-forge them, forge new ones. When you read about a perfect friend, there’s a longing that comes. The reason it comes is that we live in a culture in which we do not have all the friends our hearts need. We do not have all the friends our hearts need! The second response to reading about this profile of a true friend is different. I don’t just find it filling me with longing. I also find the profile to be crushing. Do you know why it’s crushing? Because when you measure yourself according to this, you begin to realize something. Let us admit one of the reasons we do not have the friends our hearts need is not because of our terrible, mobile society but because we aren’t the friends we should be. The reason we don’t have enough great friends is because we’re not great friends. The reason we don’t have people who are giving us this stuff is we’re not giving it, because it’s hard. It’s so hard! Look. A friend always lets you in, never lets you down. How easy is it for you to be transparent, really open up, really let a person in? How easy is it for you to give the gift of emotional vulnerability and connection? It’s hard! We’re afraid. Because we’re not good at giving it, we’re not getting it. Always lets you in. Never lets you down. How are you at being there unconditionally for a person no matter what the cost? It’s hard.
10. What are some reasons Keller gives for it being hard to be a true friend?
11. Last week I gave a challenge to ask the Lord: “To whom do You want me to be true?” Did you do it? What happened?
Friday: The Power to Do It
Where are we going to get the power to be the friends we need to be so we can have the friends we need to have? The answer is the night before Jesus Christ died, he was (if I can use this word of Jesus) desperately trying to get across to his disciples the meaning of what he was about to do. In John 14–17, he is just desperately trying to explain to them what he was about to do. One of the things he says in order to explain what he is going to do when he dies is with the conception of friendship. In John 15, he says to the disciples, “Tonight I no longer call you servants. A servant does not know his master’s business.” See? Letting in. “But tonight I call you friends. Now love one another as I love you. I am laying down my life for my friends.” When Jesus Christ said that, suddenly the whole history of the world can be understood in terms of friendship. God was a friendship. The Christian God, the biblical God, is a friendship: Father, Son, Holy Spirit knowing and loving one another. Therefore, he made us in his image, meaning we need friendship. You know, back in Genesis 3 when it talks about how God came walking in the cool of the garden to talk to Adam and Eve? Walking with someone is the Hebrew metaphor for friendship. To walk with someone, to walk together through life, is a metaphor for friendship. What that means is God made us for friendship, made us for friendship with him, made us for friendship with one another. But we turned from him. You know, when you betray a friend, what happens? Usually the friend turns on you. This is what Jesus Christ is telling us he did. He says, “I am the ultimate friend. I am the ultimate friend who loves at all times. I am the one born for adversity. I am the ultimate friend who is going to cleave to you at infinite cost to myself so you will not be ruined. Here’s how. I am the ultimate friend whose wounds are the wounds of love, because instead of inflicting them, I’m going to take them.” The Bible says blessed are the wounds of a friend. How much more blessed are they when they are not inflicted but received? Because Jesus Christ, on the cross, lost his friendship with God so we could have friendship with God. Jesus Christ, on the cross, experienced what we should have experienced so he could basically say … He was the perfect friend. He let you in. How much more emotional connection do you want? Look at his arms nailed open for you. How much more open do you want him to be? There’s the ultimate friend. He lets you in. Also, he never lets you down. Because in the garden of Gethsemane, as he saw his best friends falling asleep on him, denying him, betraying him, the Father comes and says, “You are going to have to go to hell, or you’re going to lose your friends.” Jesus said, “I’ll go to hell.” There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother so we’re not ruined. There is a friend who goes to hell so we’re not ruined. If you know that, that liberates you to be the friend you need to be. If I know Jesus Christ has let me all the way in, he trusts me, and he loves me no matter what, then I can move out not being afraid of rejection. If I know Jesus Christ will never let me down, then I can move out not being afraid of being let down because all my eggs are not in the human friendship basket. When I am liberated to be the great friend I ought to be by the great friendship of Jesus Christ on the cross, then I will find myself paradoxically getting the great friends I need to have. So will you. One last thing. One very last thing. The gospel is not just a resource for friendship because of the friendship of Jesus Christ to us. Have you noticed how we said that on the one hand, you have to have affinity with your friends if you’re going to have friends who grow together? But you also have to have constructive clash. “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” That’s why Ralph Waldo Emerson says the great paradox of the best friendships is this. He says, “Friendship requires that rare mean betwixt likeness and unlikeness … Better be a nettle in the side of your friend than his echo. […] There must be very two, before there can be very one. Let it be an alliance of two large, formidable natures, mutually beheld, mutually feared, before yet they recognize the deep identity which beneath these disparities unites them.” Here’s what he is saying. You need friends who are deeply like you and really unlike you if you want to have friendships that are really going to make you into the great thing you could be. How are we going to get that? Don’t we tend to gravitate to friends who have the same passions, the same loves, the same affinities? Well, then we’re just going to be taken to people who are like us. Yeah, but in the gospel, here’s what’s going on. Jesus Christ is breaking into the lives of all kinds of people, corporate and creative, black and white, street kid and Valley girl, downtown and uptown. Suddenly, people who you would never give the time of day to, if you’ve experienced the grace of God through Jesus Christ, you find other people who otherwise are different in every other way, except the deepest passion of their life is to love Jesus Christ who saved them through an act of radical friendship. When I find somebody whose deepest affinity is my deepest affinity yet in almost every other way is unlike me, think of the potential. Think of the potential! Christian friendships are so radical and so exhilarating and so enriching and don’t be afraid … You say, “Oh my gosh! How do I know if I’m going to choose the right one?” Just try. C.S. Lewis puts it like this: “… we think we have chosen our peers. […] But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, ‘Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,’ can truly say to every group of Christian friends, ‘You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.’ At this feast it is he who has spread the board and it is he who has chosen the guests. It is he … who sometimes does, and always should, preside. Let us not reckon without our Host.” Make him the friend your heart desires, and you will have all the friends your heart needs. Let us pray. Thank you, Father, for granting to us the radical cosmic act of friendship Jesus Christ gave to us on the cross when he led us all the way in and showed us he will never let us down. He so radically befriends us that we can become the friends we need to be. We also thank you for the radical possibilities we have within … We are going to be friends with all sorts of people, but within the Christian faith, there is tremendous potential to be deep friends with people who are like us in the most important area and unlike us in almost every other area. We thank you for that possibility as well. We ask you would remake our friendships in your image: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Help us to truly be what you made us to be: friends walking together, with you and with one another. We pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.
12. How did Jesus demonstrate “letting in?” How well do you let your closest friends in?
13. How did Jesus demonstrate “laying down?” How could you do this even this Thanksgiving week?
14. How has Jesus been “a secret Master of ceremonies” in your friendships?
15. What else stands out and why?
Saturday:
16. What is your take-a-way and why?
Next week we’ll have a Thanksgiving lesson and hear about how God moved during your Thanksgiving.
109 comments
Sunday:
How has the Lord been a friend closer than a brother to you this week? Or how have you sensed His beauty or presence?
I am home from church, as I have been sick since Wednesday, and found a narrowing circle of friends who reached out to me and were sincere in their concern. A few of them I felt I could share this health struggle without them asking me. Again, no criticism of the others who did not reach out. But God, as the Master of Ceremonies, have provided this group of friends at a time of need. It is as if God is saying, “Here are your true friends.” I am examining the 4 “C’s” that Tim Keller shares here and praying for God to help me answer the question, “To Whom do you want me to be true?” It is with joy to feel that I have a few to choose from and that I could be a true friend to them. I am thinking God will surprise me with how He leads me to a smaller number.
All through these days, His presence keeps “intruding” into my thoughts and how He loves me “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death
“do us part.”Not part us anymore. Oh, how He loves you and me!Oh, Bing. I’m sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. I also stayed home from church today, but am feeling more energy this afternoon. So glad you have a circle of friends to share your concern with and pray with you. I will also pray for you. May our Great Physician bring you healing. You are such a good friend to others and certainly that kindness will be repaid to you.
Thank you, Chris! I believe it is just the time of year. I have been volunteering at the elementary school and have had hugs from little ones with snotty, LOL, little noses. I figured a bacterium had hitchhiked home with me. I hope my steroid shot will work its thing.
Oh elementary schools are hot spots — good for you for entering in. I too pray for completely recovery!
I will be praying for you, Bing. I am so thankful for those who reached out to you. I know being a pastor’s wife can be a fragile place, knowing true friends. May our Mighty God and Father give you His wisdom and discernment, showing you those precious few that will be true and caring friends.
Bing, Sorry about the bug you have and praying g it is short lived. This is a bad time of year for catching stuff and your are in a vulnerable spot working with children. Sweet to hear how God is refining your friendship circle. 💕
I just have to pop in. Several years ago, an introverted woman at church was in tears. Since right there in the foyer wasn’t a place to discuss it, I asked if I could call her later in the week. She isn’t someone I would choose for a friend for a number of reasons. Yet after that first call, I knew God was asking me to invest in her, to consistently point her to Him. Out of obedience, I have. At one time frame it looked like she was ready to ‘walk’ on her own, which she agreed with. But after several months it was worse than at the beginning, so we restarted the phone calls. This morning at church, the Lord really convicted me that I was treating her as a project I was eager to finish. Instead of mirroring what and Who He is to me, someone who relates to me at least in part, as a friend who actually LIKES me, that I need to develop that towards her. Please pray for me sisters… right now it feels like dying to myself to even move in this direction.
Oh, Mary! Thanks for popping in here and sharing your heart. I have been there before in the classroom. In fact, I was just convicted by what you shared here. Last year, I invested so much in a student only to have her be in a spot that I didn’t approve of. And I withhold reaching out to her as I feel used and disrespected. I know we are talking about friends here. Nevertheless, my attitude needs correction. So, thanks again for sharing. Reaching out to her could be good for both of us. Prayers for you…and me.
Glad you shared and hello, Mary. I think we all could use prayer in this department.
Good to see you Mary and will pray for your sweet request to see people as people. I often think of the blind man who needed a second touch so he didn’t just see people “as trees walking.” As Chris and Bing said, we all need that.
Thank you for sharing this, Mary. I so agree with the others that we all need this. I know I do. We so need to see with the heart and eyes of Jesus.
It does not always bloom into friendship, but maybe a stepping stone for one in need, as well as understanding and perspective for us. I always need God’s guidance.
Mary, What a delight to hear from you. I am trusting God will orchestrate what you need in your own heart and bless your friend with what she needs in her own heart. Ultimately we all have to come to a place where Jesus is enough. I am in a place with a young friend right now whom I am trying to help understand that truth. We can only be a friend up to a point where the other person has to then totally embrace Him. I realize from this discussion that my closest friends are secure in Jesus and we are close because we share him. He is our bond.
Bev, I like that distinction, “my closest friends are secure in Jesus”-so true. He is our bond. Though some of us have never met or interacted beyond this blog, we feel like sisters.
Mary, so nice to “see” you here. I will pray for you and the conviction to really know this woman as a friend. Take care. 🩷🙏
Sunday:
1. How has the Lord been a friend closer than a brother to you this week? Or how have you sensed His beauty or presence? I sensed the Lord as my husband and I led our small group on Thursday and once again I was blown away at how much the young people are willing to share and be vulnerable with us. We shared some very tender moments from our grandchildren’s funerals. Our group just seems to really get one another with regard to faith and friendship. It is so encouraging. We feel this is one of the most important things we are doing right now. The sins, abuse, addictions, grief, and losses these young people have experienced are heavy and yet they have faith and are excited to walk with the Lord and share their faith with others. It’s amazing to be a part of this. His presence is definitely with us.
Chris, our youth nowadays need people like you and your husband. Some are so lost or have experienced loss at such a young age without any support from family, and they need the Lord. Thankful for this group you are shepherding.
It is so true. This group of young people have broken relationships with parents or ones that are just starting to mend and need to be led in their faith. It is an honor to be used this way. Last night we heard a seminarian preach on the passage of the rich man and Lazarus, and he asked if we were ready to be called home if our time came today. In the past, I have had some reservations about answering this question, but now I feel much more confident that I am ready.
I believe my confidence comes from the ways I see the Lord opening up paths of ministry to my husband and I. We have always been involved in church ministry with Sunday school or youth ministry, but this feels so much more meaningful as we walk beside young adults and help them apply the Word to their daily lives. Somehow it helps me feel more confident in my faith as I see the Spirit leading us. When we study the word, its not all about the right answer to the questions or if the lesson is completed or people are on time. It’s about the people and their hearts for Jesus.
It’s also given me more confidence in just everyday meetings with people I don’t know. I think that previously, I felt like I was relying on myself and what I had studied and learned, but now I am learning to rely on the Holy Spirit and his leading with interactions with others. I’m trusting and leaning into the eternal perspective. I’m searching for the Lord’s will more and not so much my own. The Lord has done a work in my heart with removing my will and placing his there. Instead of being scared of the unknown, I’m excited about the mystery of the working of the Holy Spirit and what new place he will use me.
This week, I’m feeling the nudge to visit the hardware again and see if the manager is there for another conversation. I also think I need to return the piece of mail to my neighbor that I received by accident, even though it’s just a charitable organization kind of junk mail. Maybe it will lead to a spiritual conversation?
Thank you, Dee, for helping me grow here. Your study makes me think and stretches my comfort zone to a bigger space.
Oh Chris — this is sooo encouraging and you are such a rich resource for these young people!
Chris, I echo this sentiment about Dee. “Thank you, Dee, for helping me grow here. Your study makes me think and stretches my comfort zone to a bigger space.”
Being here is such a blessing! Just when I think I am at a “good” place in the Lord, he keeps showing a better way, a more-like-Jesus way.
Chris, I love all of this here! Leaning on the Holy Spirit and trusting God. I know that feeling as our next court date looms ahead. It is a short one, only 2 hours. Not sure what that means 🤷🏻♀️. Trusting God does know. Blessings to you! 🙏🙏
Chris, You and your husband are such a blessing to so many in your community. I love that these young people are opening up to you and growing in Jesus. Thank you for sharing this sweet ministry.
Chris, God bless you and your hubby for the good ministry He has given you. I look back over the years and realize that in great measure it is about making ourselves available and then let God work. 💕
Yes, Bev, I am starting to see that. Thank you all for your encouragement.
Monday: The Text
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. This seems to say that love is hidden if rebuke is withheld. That makes sense to me with a child or adult who needs correction, but is allowed to continue down a path of rebellion.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. When we continue to show love towards someone who needs correction, again, we are not showing ourselves trustworthy. It can be hurtful to accept a correction both to the recipient and the one giving correction, but in the end it will grow the relationship.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel. Again, counsel brings joy to a relationship, though it may be hard to give.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse. Sensitivity to the needs of others is essential for relationship. I’m trying to think of an example where I have done something out of what I perceived as kindness, but it was taken as a curse. Perhaps a time I did not know my intentions would be painful, and that is what this proverb is referring to-but how do we learn to do better? Maybe only by correcting when we see their pain?
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. This blog is a great example of this proverb.
F. Proverbs 28: 23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue. My husband knows this well and I believe it is a comfort. His job is one in which he often has to correct others and it is a wearisome task at times. Most people at work go to him to have him deliver the painful rebuke, because he is good at it, but it does leave his heart heavy. He has a keen sense of right and wrong and a sense of justice, and yet empathy. When he is through, some people thank him although others leave angry. I’m sure that no one would accuse my husband of having a flattering tongue. Haha. He tells it like it is. I tend to be more concerned for someone’s feelings and not be direct, which is not best when a rebuke is necessary.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet. I’m not sure I get this one, but I’m guessing it is also about being direct and truthful. We might say something nice when we really want to say something is bothering us and that can cause bitterness in our own heart. We might complain about our neighbor behind their back, rather than discuss what’s bothering us. This would be a net for our feet. We won’t built trust or respect with that neighbor.
Such rich answers — beginning with this:
This seems to say that love is hidden if rebuke is withheld. That makes sense to me with a child or adult who needs correction, but is allowed to continue down a path of rebellion.
Matthew Henry helped me with Proverbs 29:5 — a flatterer is trying to use you in some way – to get something from you, so watch out — spreading a new for your feet. My experience with an author who wanted an endorsement I didn’t want to give tripped me up. She gave me gifts, took me out, came to my church, pled with me – -and I finally gave her one that wasn’t too strong, but she took it out of context so it sounded strong. I was not wise.
Thank you for your help with this one, Dee. This makes sense. I have seen this with children often. It stings a bit with older kids who you know should know better. I’m getting smarter as to when they come to me with such kind words and I start thinking, what do they want now? LOL. Of course, with adults that lesson is more challenging. I’m grateful you are willing to share your example.
Chris and Dee! How I needed this lesson! I know that as a young mom, I was not good at discipline, as I did not want to crush the spirit of a child. Yet, I wish I had been more firm at times. I always tried to explain “why”, and maybe that was unwise. Oh, how I pray for the Lord’s leading, still with my children and grandchildren. Like Bing, I think I have had the fear of rejection. Thank you all for sharing on this subject.
Chris, I love all your answers. I need to work on several, especially A. I know much of it is from fear of rejection. Or perhaps, a reflection of how I take open rebuke myself? Thank you for your words.
Yes, open rebuke! It’s so hard to take. I used to deny open rebuke as it threatened my identity as a good person. Since accepting Christ and learning He is good, and died for my sins, it is much easier to accept, but still stings.
Sunday:
How has the Lord been a friend closer than a brother to you this week? Or how have you sensed His beauty or presence?
—I live 65 miles away from the larger town of Kearney where we go for some of the services we don’t have in our small town. Last Thursday my husband had office work to do so I took the day and traveled down by myself. It was fairly foggy but I took my time and enjoyed praying out loud as I went enjoying being alone and uninterrupted with the Lord. I like the quiet and had a strong sense of His presence with me and a real peace of heart because of Him.
Monday: The Text
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
—An honest evaluation from a friend is better for me than unexpressed approval.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
—What is hurtful to hear from a true friend will help me but much flattery from people who are not friends can’t not be trusted.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
—Heartfelt counsel of a friend is like the pleasantness of a sweet smelling perfume.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
—A loud and cheerful greeting first thing in the day doesn’t ring true as genuine.
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
—Just like rubbing the edge of a knife against a piece of metal to sharpen it is like friends coming together and interacting in meaningful ways will make each one better.
F. Proverbs 28: 23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.
—When all is said and done people appreciate honest criticism far more than flattery and false approval.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.
—Flattery sets up others for falling into trouble.
— Most of these proverbs address flattery which is a very deceitful thing. Flattery is used to manipulate people and is self serving to the one speaking it. Genuine friends don’t practice flattery but rather there is a genuineness in the relationship.
I like your summary about flattery. I have a SIL who is always full of flattery. I have never paid much attention to it and we have never been close. It’s sad as I don’t think she has anyone she is close with. I’m not sure her motive, but she probably wants something along with approval from others. Such a sad life she has lived.
There are several motives for flattery — and perhaps one sad one is just to be liked.
There’s also a proverb about putting a knife to your throat when you fine dining with a ruler. 🙂
Sunday:
1. How has the Lord been a friend closer than a brother to you this week? Or how have you sensed His beauty or presence?
All the times I felt dizzy and weak He reminded me of the way He is showing His strength through my weakness. And the love I’ve felt through my friends too.
And even when I felt so weak spiritually, I still do, but it was way worse one time He reminded me of how much He loves me and how His love for me is not based on my works. It’s still hard. Things are still hard for me ion school, and I’ve broken down severally, and felt terrible for not showing up in places I said I was going to. I’ve had a lot overwhelming me academically, financially, spiritually, mentally and even in my health, but I still feel His presence, even if it’s not so strong.
Eunice, dear, I am praying for you to stand strong in the Lord. Your perseverance blesses me, and I pray God to provide what you need in your life right now. He is faithful. Lord, one of your children, Eunice, is in need. May she experience your provision according to your riches in Christ Jesus.
Lord, I agree in prayer with Bing for Eunice. In Jesus name, amen.
Dear Eunice
I pray that you will sense Jesus very close to you right now.
Lord, God hear our prayers for your precious daughter, Eunice. Hold her close to Your heart right now and bring her peace and strength. We know that You know all of her needs right now, Lord and I pray that You will bring evidence of Your presence to Eunice. I ask for you to give sweet her good health, spiritually and physically, good rest, and the means to meet her financial needs right now. In the Mighty Name of Jesus, I pray.
Yes, Lord. Hold Eunice close and hear her prayers and those of others for her.
I echo all those prayers for dear Eunice!
Amen, thank you so much everyone. God bless you all.
Monday: The Text
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Only a friend would risk an open rebuke rather than hide her love for me. Hiding my love may be a fear of rejection, which true friends should risk.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Friends wound us to bring healing, but an enemy’s kisses can bring our death.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Comment: I am not into perfumes and incense too much, but certain ones exude peace and joy in me. Earnest counsel from a friend is such-they are timely, unique, and bring the peace and joy I need for the time.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
Hahaha on this one: My husband is an early riser and wants quiet; I am not. So when I would be up early, I would know to wait to have a decent conversation with him. We don’t “bless” each other too early, not until after he has broken his “fast”. A good morning can be met by a harumph. Joking aside, a “loud” blessing early in the morning could be intrusive or insensitive.
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
We are more useful by the sharpening we receive from others. And then we, in turn, can sharpen others.
F. Proverbs 28: 23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.
I would rather be rebuked, though it hurts, than be flattered and be none the better.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.
Flattery is unnecessary if I may say so. It creates a false sense of security dependent on the self-effort of the one it is given to. There might be temporary happiness, but in the end, it can only lead to snares and one’s detriment.
I like your answers, Bing. I love that you know when the time is right for conversation with your husband. I have had to learn this as well. I like that you say risking rejection to rebuke a friend should be taken-true.
You and y9ur husband have learned to love each other well in the early mornings!
Sunday:
1. How has the Lord been a friend closer than a brother to you this week? Or how have you sensed His beauty or presence?
He has been a friend in showing me from a Keller sermon I listened to on Galatians 6 and the studies Dee has been doing here show just how selfish I am. I felt convicted over some things I wrote here in the blog last week in how I react to people. I realized I was making it all about me and how they made me feel rather than trying to understand where they’re coming from, why they are that way. Also, being a good friend will be sacrificial in some way and I know that has been a reason for me to back off. I thank the Lord for opening my eyes to this sin in my life and believing all is well when it really isn’t. God is doing a work in my heart which is quite humbling and I know He has much more to do.
Awe, Sharon, I love your honesty. We are all selfish creatures-you are in good company. We do our best, but mustn’t stop trying for fear of failure or rejection. I’m am glad you are here.
Thank you Chris…so appreciate your encouragement.
I love your heart, Sharon. And your wisdom.
Thank you Dee…appreciate you so much!
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
This one is about honesty in love. Hiding your feelings may hurt another instead of helping them.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
This one reminds me of Judas towards Jesus when he kissed Him in the Garden of Gethesmene. He did it to expose Jesus for his own gain. A true friend will get uncomfortable by telling the truth.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
It’s so nice to have a friend’s kind words and caring heart.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
Something fishy is going on!
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
We question and help each other learn.
F. Proverbs 28: 23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.
Being authentic and genuine is more respected than just talking to talk.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.
I guess the Message makes this one most clear to me.
“A flattering neighbor is up to no good; he’s probably planning to take advantage of you.”
Proverbs 29:5 MSG
I’m not sure I understand much of these….
On the contrary! I think you’ve got it. Great example with Judas!
That message translation of Proverbs 29:5 is helpful.
What do you mean by “something fishy is going on” with Pvbs. 27:14?
I mostly read the NLT.
“A loud and cheerful greeting early in the morning will be taken as a curse!”
Proverbs 27:14 NLT
I guess I was thinking that it would be strange for either a loud OR a cheerful greeting to occur in the morning, as I am not a morning person AT ALL! If someone was loud and cheerful in the morning I would be suspicious as to what they wanted from me.
Monday: The Text
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
What good is love if it’s hidden? If you truly love someone you will let them know and that may come through a correction which shows you love them.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
A true friend’s gentle correction may cause a wound but it can be trusted because the motive is love rather than someone who just tells you what you want to hear with the motive of deceit.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
Just as the smell of perfume and incense bring delight, so does strong counsel from a friend.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
“He who blesses his neighbor with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be counted as a curse to him (for it will either be annoying or his purpose will be suspect).” Amplified
This makes me wonder if it’s loud because there’s an ulterior motive, maybe to draw attention to himself rather than the neighbor and that’s why it’s a curse.
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
I think this happens on this blog…bringing about growth and influence through the discussion.
F. Proverbs 28: 23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.
It brings favor to gently rebuke rather than flatter which is deceptive and is really all about them…they don’t care about you.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.
“Beware of a flatterer; he does not flatter merely to please you, but to deceive you and profit himself.” ~ Clarke
I like your distinction with the flatterer being “all about them.”
Interesting thought about loud greeting. I tend to think it is the lack of sensitivity of a morning person to a non-morning person, but I also know that it can be irritating when someone is always loudly cheerful when you are feeling a bit low. NOT SURE!
I think of some in my family who are hard of hearing and speak in what seems to me to be a loud voice consistently. I have often felt annoyed, especially if a baby was sleeping or something. Not what the proverb is about, though.
I always thought that too, but I like this from Bruce Waltke…”His unnatural voice and timing betrays him as a hypocrite and no good will come of it.”
3. Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there? To let someone go on in rebellion is not love and will lead to disastrous consequences. Like giving that sweet 2 year old whatever they want because you don’t want to make them cry, will just lead to bigger tantrums. That adult who is having too many drinks after work, may need a rebuke to find a more healthy way to cope with stress, or end up in a worse way. Etc.
B.The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not? Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance? I am not sure I would take rebuke from someone I am not close to very well and I would not dare to rebuke someone I do not know well-perhaps I have judged them wrongly. A true friend knows me in a deep way and will have more influence and ability to bring me back to Jesus in forgiveness after the rebuke & repentance.
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6? Can you give an example of each from your life? A faithful wound is telling the person what they need to hear-it will hurt but have a healing effect. An enemy hides the truth and lets us go to ruin to avoid their own discomfort.
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery? What does Keller say about this? To me flattery is just flowery words used to make someone feel good while my intent is to gain something for myself. Keller says, “Get some real friends.”
6. What else stood out to you from this? We need prayer to discern sometimes just how to approach our friend carefully. We need to make sure our own heart is right and feeling pain for our friend, rather than just candor or truth telling. Our friend needs truth and grace.
I can’t remember the book, but the author said that telling a gay person that that is how they were born and must always be takes away their hope. I see that as an application to Proverbs 27:5. But I think you have to be close, and probably he or she needs to come to you for such a sensitive conversation.
I would agree with your example, Dee. That is sensitive.
Tuesday: Careful, Candid, Constant
3. Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there?
—He said we actually love ourselves too much to go through the hard thing of being honest with them.
B.The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not? Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance?
—Yes, I agree because in being a good friend you earn the right to speak hard things to those we are close to because we have built a history of trust.
I do receive rebuke from a friend whom I trust where an acquaintance has no established credibility to speak into my life.
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6? Can you give an example of each from your life?
—Loving by hiding the truth is the same as the work of an enemy acting like they love you but only serving their own interests.
—For a personal example my answer to #6 speaks to my own dilemma regarding speaking truth and protecting myself from having hard conversations.
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery? What does Keller say about this?
—As I said yesterday I see flattery as being manipulative. People use flattery to serve themselves. He said the result is harmful when a person is not given correct view of themselves and they will make faulty decisions as a result.
6. What else stood out to you from this?
—In pondering this teaching I feel like I am in a bit of a catch 22 because I see some decisions that have been made in our church that are not wise by friends and family in leadership but if I express those concerns I will be viewed as divisive. And my husband feels we should be quiet. I do feel I should follow his lead in this. We have battle scars from past church experiences and the need for wisdom is great. Also we have been given the distinct impression that opposing opinions are not welcome. So based on that it seems better at this point to just keep quiet. To keep pondering and praying seems the best thing for now. I think If God gives me an open opportunity to speak I will but I will not proactively pursue the conversations. No easy answers and I’m just kind of thinking out loud here.
That’s such an example of the contrasting fool proverbs — sometimes it is wise to speak up, and other times not. Perhaps the Lord is leading your husband this way as he sees speaking up as not going to help in this case — they won’t hear.
Thank you Dee, I think you are right about my husband seeing that speaking up will not help because they won’t hear.
Sunday:
1. How has the Lord been a friend closer than a brother to you this week? Or how have you sensed His beauty or presence? – The past week and this upcoming week, we have been in Alabama at our camper. We are away from our home and the friends we have made in Tennessee, but the Lord has brought a great group of ‘new’ friends to us here at the campground. They all have been so welcoming, some have been known longer than others, but they all have open arms ready to be friends. I’ve never had that before where complete strangers, (though only for a minute) become a close-knit family who all love the Lord.
Love your camping stories and the fellowship you find. Do you find many Christians among the campers?
Monday: The Text
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. – If my true friend doesn’t let me know what I’ve done or if I’m doing something wrong, I don’t think they are really a true friend. They should be worried for me if I’m not living a godly life. I don’t want them to pretend around me; I want them to be real. God rebukes those he loves, so if we are living our lives as Christ would want us to live, then we also should lovingly rebuke our true friends.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. – When you have someone constantly being nice over and over again, I have to stop and wonder what’s up. What do they want. I doubt that their ‘love’, or motives are genuine. But a true friend will have a balance I think of rebuking in love and loving you deeply.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel. – A great fragrance of perfume or incense is great and can bring comfort and at the time this was written was a rare commodity I would think. So, a great friend who brings counsel to you in a loving way and not in a judgmental way is also a rare find.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse. – A good neighbor will know their friends’ patterns and not be obnoxious early in the morning. They will have consideration and care for others and hold back until the right time comes.
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. – It is good to be around others who have the same goals in mind. Though we may still not agree all the time, we can know that their hearts are right and we can have understanding between each other. They may give us something that we can sit back and think about and see their way of thinking. We make each other stronger when we have our final goal the same.
F. Proverbs 28:23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue. – When you lovingly rebuke a friend, they will respect you more and know that you really care for them. They will see love in your heart and not flattery.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet. – Too much flattery will only show how much you don’t care and eventually they will see through the fluffiness of your talk. You will get caught at some point.
Tuesday: Careful, Candid, Constant
3. Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there? – We are worried more about ourselves then correcting our friends and helping them to see where they are going off the path of righteousness. When we don’t put ourselves out there and tell our friends what we see, we are hurting them by letting them continue to do what might hurt them or pull them farther away from God.
B. The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not? Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance? – For me I definitely accept rebuke from a true friend better than just an acquaintance because the true friend really knows me and knows my heart. An acquaintance knows me only on the surface and doesn’t know if I continue to do what I’ve done or was it just a onetime thing. They don’t know my actions or my heart. I think when you are close to someone, you know their inner thoughts and how they act on a regular basis. It’s not a superficial friendship but a friendship built on love.
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6? Can you give an example of each from your life? – It’s hard to tell our friends the truth when we see them doing or saying something wrong. I don’t like confrontation and so that becomes a hard conversation to have. But if I don’t say anything I’m not helping them. I had a situation that was between me and Joe and we had agreed that our Life Group would come before the event being planned, but at the last minute, he changed his mind and went to the event, I did not. I said to him, that you are letting your son guilt you into going. My sweet friend did not agree with me and said that is his son, and he wanted to be there. She lovingly rebuked my selfishness.
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery? What does Keller say about this? – To me flattery is constantly giving compliment after compliment and not seeing any flaws. It makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when people flatter me. When you don’t give constructive criticism, you are not helping your friends see what their weaknesses are. You only allow them to see their highlights in their lives.
6. What else stood out to you from this? – A true friend will have a balance. They will be able to lovingly rebuke their friends and show them love and acceptance when those times come up. I love that a true friend will work at being careful, candid and constant.
Julie, I love that you could accept your friend’s loving rebuke. We all need to be able to humble ourselves this way.
And you lovingly received that rebuke!
Tuesday: Careful, Candid, Constant
3. Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there?
You’re not being a friend because you love yourself too much to confront them.
B.The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not? Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance?
I think there definitely needs to be a developed friendship of trust and love in order to confront. A true friend’s motive will be out of their love for me. An acquaintance hasn’t built that love and trust.
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6? Can you give an example of each from your life?
Friendly wounds…
Wounding kisses…
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery?
It’s a deception that is all about me, myself and I.
What does Keller say about this?
“Instead of telling your friend what’s wrong with him or her so the person gets an accurate view of both their strengths and weaknesses, if you don’t do that, you are setting them up for a disastrous life as much as if you were putting their foot in a bear trap.”
6. What else stood out to you from this?
The reason it’s hard to be a true friend. You have to be careful and candid. Telling the truth with an emotional connection that will bring you as much pain as it will to your friend.
I agree on 3B. Rebuke is hard enough from a friend but would be impossible from an acquaintance, however, sometimes I have had difficulty accepting rebuke from a friend (my husband) and he asked me what I thought others including acquaintances might think and that helped me see that what he was saying was true. In other words, it wasn’t only his opinion but could be said by others as well. Curious how we can be blinded to our own sin, isn’t it?
Monday: The Text
2. Read the proverb, share what it says, and any questions or comments you have.
A. Proverbs 27: 5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
That it’s better if you actually open your mouth and tell me where I’m going wrong so I can correct my mistakes, because true love doesn’t want the other person to be destroyed, than for you to say “I love this girl” but it’s so not obvious in your actions.
B. Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
If a friend actually tells you the truth in a matter where you’re being blinded and you can’t see it and you get hurt because you feel they’re not supporting you it’s waaayyyy better than you receiving advice, or flattery from someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
C. Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
I smiles at this part, because it’s really true. The way my friends are so sat to listen to me and counsel me>>>>
I don’t know how to explain this part.
D. Proverbs 27:14 If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse.
I feel like these words are not literal. I’m seeing it as something like this. I’ll illustrate it. In this place here, if a woman opens up a shop beside a woman who has been selling something for a long time in that same area, the former actually starts selling the same thing the latter had been selling and the latter actually greets her, shouting her name early in the morning especially because of the unspoken beef between them the new woman and even passerbys would think the other woman had gone to make juju against this new woman.
I don’t know if it actually fits this verse though.
E. Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
When iron sharpens iron they do not remain blunt. Neither of them remains blunt. And when men (both genders) especially friends help each other, encourage each other, pray for, with and over each other, allow themselves to be blessings to each other they actually don’t remain in the same spot. They actually get better. They know the right thing to do at the right time because their senses are sharpened now.
F. Proverbs 28: 23 He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.
When A rebukes B and B feels bad and angry with A but in the end see that what A said might be the consequences was actually the consequences he’ll respect A more, he’ll see the wisdom in a and have more reverence for him.
G. Proverbs 29: 5 Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet.
When you flatter you’re either telling lies, or exaggerating the truth (which is still telling lies) and that is not good for us as humans. Out heads swell, we can become prideful based on the lies someone has been feeding us about ourselves, and it’s really dangerous.
Eunice, your answer to D is very interesting to me. The part about the loud greeting being known to even passers by to be a disagreement between the women. I’m trying to think of an example of that in my life. I think we do this but in a different context. We definitely can make it known when we are not happy with someone and others will see. Maybe at church even, if we speak of someone in a certain tone or maybe do not speak of them at all to make it known we are unhappy with them. We then make it known to the person as well as the onlookers that we are upset with this person. Is that the same idea you have? Maybe we call it passive aggression. I love when we can take the unfamiliar words of scripture and make them familiar to us.
You brought us into your culture with that example, Eunice — and it was interesting.
Eunice, I agree with your assessment of 2D…and your story is spot on. The yelling and the timing of it means that person is up to no good.
Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there?
I think the error there is that it’s out of fear. We’re not confronting them not because we love them, but because we’re afraid of what the results of the confrontation would be.
Would they withdraw from us?
Would they lash out at us?
Would they abandon us for someone else because we told them the painful truth?
B.The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not? Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance?
Well, personally, I think even acquaintances should be able to confront. Although it’s always very hard.
And both way hurt, but receiving it from acquaintances hurt even more, I don’t know why. I think I receive rebuke better from a true friend.
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6? Can you give an example of each from your life?
a person who thinks you’re loving by hiding the truth.
I have this friend that didn’t counsel me when I was going the wrong path. When we events talked about it later on she said she didn’t want to tell me anything because she’s reserved and she knows I’m old enough to make my decisions. I told her that she should have at least said something and leave it to me to either accept or reject it.
Words that your friend needs that are going to be painful for that friend to hear, and yet they have to hear them.
This other friend of mine was rebuking me for something I did and she was being too blunt it actually hurt me. Personally, I think there’s a way you can be honest without hurting people. When we finished talking about my own issue I told her about the fact that I was hurt by her extreme bluntness and she apologized. We both learnt something that day.
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery? What does Keller say about this?
Telling someone lies about themselves. And it’s dangerous because it doesn’t help them in decision making.
Instead of telling your friend what’s wrong with him or her so the person gets an accurate view of both their strengths and weaknesses, if you don’t do that, you are setting them up for a disastrous life as much as if you were putting their foot in a bear trap.
6. What else stood out to you from this?
That I should actually be able to accept rebuke from my friends because it shows how much they love me enough to correct me.
You know a true friend really cares for you and her motive is a good one –that may not be the case with an acquaintance.
Wednesday: Earnest Counsel
7. What stands out to you from Keller and why?
—He mentioned that earnest counsel means from the he art. That speaks to a friend having a heart for you and your needs. True friends care.
8. What is “earnest’ counsel? Can you give an example from your life?
—My sweet and dearest friend Lynda often affirms me when I am troubled about something. I know she is really listening to my heart and she answers from her own heart. And I can trust her responses. She doesn’t always just side with me but I always feel she has “heard” me.
9. Keller pointed to Proverbs 27:17, saying counsel needed to include dialogue back and forth. If a friend comes to you for counsel, how can you help this to be a dialogue? (See also Proverbs 20:5)
—Usually it involves asking some questions to help have a more complete understanding and to repeat things being said so as to have and give understanding concerning their need.
3. Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there?
According to Keller, “Hiding, covering up the truth out of love in verse 5 is the same as the work of an enemy in verse 6.”
He also says we are protecting ourselves by not telling the truth.
This is so true. Situations can be difficult and require prayer and careful consideration as Keller teaches. We can’t just run to our friend shouting the truth, but must go to them carefully and candidly, in humility. I have someone I need to confront but we do not have the constancy of our friendship to allow it. Our visits are much too few. I wish to change that for opportunity but it is difficult and at times I wonder if it would do any good.
May the Lord give you wisdom, Chris –or lead someone else to gently speak the truth to her.
I agree, Chris. Timing is also important. I have a friend going through a very hard time in her life and it is just not the right time to talk about a hard topic. I am waiting a few months. But, I also would like to talk in person. That way I can hug her and show my emotion better.
Tuesday: Careful, Candid, Constant
3. Meditate again on Proverbs 27:5.
A. Keller says that we may think we love someone too much to confront them, but what is the error there?
We actually love ourselves too much to hide the truth. We don’t want discomfort. Being a true friend is “other person-oriented” rather than self-oriented.
B. The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not? Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance?
I believe there should be a certain level of closeness to my friend for me to confront them. Yes, I can receive rebuke better from a true friend rather than an acquaintance.
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6? Can you give an example of each from your life?
Wounds from a friend: A college friend told me that my “love” for a guy at that time was not good for both of us. She challenged me with my motives for the relationship. I listened to her and thanked her for it. I realised how selfish I was.
Deceitful kisses. A relative flattered me with her words, only to find out that she was talking against me behind my back.
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery? What does Keller say about this?
Flatterers use words that are not sincere but are meant to “use” you. Keller says that flattery is like a bear trap set up. They don’t really care about you.
6. What else stood out to you from this?
To be careful and honest with my words and be motivated by love for my friend.
Wednesday: Earnest Counsel
7. What stands out to you from Keller and why?
8. What is “earnest’ counsel? Can you give an example from your life?
Earnest means from the heart. It also means “secrets”. When I was praying for direction regarding full retirement last year, I was sharing my feelings with my dearest friend, Julie. I mentioned something about proving to myself that I can still do it. I received earnest counsel/gentle rebuke from her about not having to prove myself to people. I cannot remember how I worded my message to her, but upon re-reading, I saw a false sense of humility on my part. What we have learned here before about self-forgetfulness and humility and dependence on God came to mind that time. I needed to hear Julie’s words to remind me of where my worth is based.
9. Keller pointed to Proverbs 27:17, saying counsel needed to include dialogue back and forth. If a friend comes to you for counsel, how can you help this to be a dialogue? (See also Proverbs 20:5)
I have not thought of counsel from a friend to include dialogue back and forth before. A balance between transparency, wisdom, and concern that could only come with dialogue. True friendship is hard but possible with God being the foundation. I love the 4 “C’s. But this 4th “C”, its earnestness or the lack thereof has set apart a very few of my friends from the rest. James 1:5; Ecclesiastes 3
I also thought of the verse about being careful how we walk and to pay attention, since we do not have a lot of time to waste here on earth and because “the days are evil”. I should be going about being a true friend!
Bing — as Lizzy would often say “I love your play dough heart.”
3B.The proverb is in the context of many proverbs about friendship. Do you agree that you should be close to someone to be the one to confront? Why or why not?
I suppose so. If you weren’t close then the person would just think you were being rude.
Do you receive rebuke better from a true friend than an acquaintance?
I guess so. It’s not a fun thing from anyone really…
4. What does Keller say is the paradox in Proverbs 27:6?
In one case the friend gives constructive criticism that might hurt. In the other, hiding the truth is the work of the enemy.
Can you give an example of each from your life?
I have had a friend tell me a hard truth. It did hurt also, I did not want to believe it. She thought I was too judgmental.
I have had friends (I suspected) who didn’t want to tell me the truth too.
5. Proverbs 29:5. How do you define flattery?
Flattery is telling someone something about themselves that appears good but is not the truth.
What does Keller say about this?
I think he was saying that flattery will get you nowhere. No one benefits because you may or may not have the quality and the friend is setting you up for a troublesome life if you don’t rise to the occasion.
I reread what Keller said and you are right, Laura. But I wonder if Kidner’s interpretation is also helpful. He said to watch out for flatterers for the want something from you that may be hurtful to you.
7. What stands out to you from Keller and why? The whole idea of there being emotional exploitation if a friend is always reassuring or always clashing. It has to be both. This makes me think about how good a friend I am and makes me want to be more careful with relationships.
8. What is “earnest’ counsel? Can you give an example from your life? Counsel needs to be a dialogue. It cannot always be reassuring, nor can it always be clashing. My husband is good at giving both. He will do the clashing part, but then bring you back up with a reassuring counsel before the end of the dialogue. I’m not thinking of a specific example right now.
9. Keller pointed to Proverbs 27:17, saying counsel needed to include dialogue back and forth. If a friend comes to you for counsel, how can you help this to be a dialogue? (See also Proverbs 20:5) A pat answer should not be given for counsel, but questions as to motive for the counsel first. A friend would want to know details of the situation and consider what is best for the friend. The deep waters refers to a person’s potentially hidden motives in a matter or maybe their blindness to a sin. A good friend will draw out the matter and give best counsel.
10. What are some reasons Keller gives for it being hard to be a true friend? We don’t have time and friends move away in our mobile society, but also it is hard! It’s really hard to be vulnerable in this way and because we don’t do it, it’s not given back to us.
11. Last week I gave a challenge to ask the Lord: “To whom do You want me to be true?” Did you do it? What happened? I missed the challenge, unfortunately. I have been thinking a lot the last few weeks of these studies about renewing friendships that have slipped away in my life due to a big, busy family. I want to make time for this. My step-mom has been such a good example of this to me and I want to do better. She must have us on her calendar to check in at least once a month and get together as well, not just a phone call. I want to be this way with my siblings and a couple of friends from school that I haven’t seen in years. I know that we would pick up right where we left off.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am thankful for each of you here on the blog. Thank you for your prayers and your kind words. Thank you for your wisdom and your biblical knowledge to help me grow in my life.
7. What stands out to you from Keller and why?
I find this all to be difficult to take in, myself. I have never analyzed my friendships in such detail before!
8. What is “earnest’ counsel? Can you give an example from your life?
I guess it’s when you need help right away? Or, your friend notices you are going down a wrong path and decides to confront you about it. A close friend in high school, (not a true friend now) told me if I didn’t stop talking about weight gain and loss (I was in my prime ballerina mode) she would not be friends with me anymore. I was so self consumed! That sure woke me up a bit…
9. Keller pointed to Proverbs 27:17, saying counsel needed to include dialogue back and forth. If a friend comes to you for counsel, how can you help this to be a dialogue? (See also Proverbs 20:5)
Is it “okay” to tell your story if it’s related? Then the friend would know it can happen to others and there would be a bond of sorts to dialogue on. I suppose if you don’t have a similar story then you can ask questions and that would help the discussion along.
Yes! Happy Thanksgiving Day to each one here. I’m also so thankful for this space where we can meet and learn/grow.
Yes, Chris! I, too, hope that you all are having a happy Thanksgiving week.
10. What are some reasons Keller gives for it being hard to be a true friend?
It’s hard because we need to be vulnerable, open, honest, always there. We just can’t be that to everyone.
11. Last week I gave a challenge to ask the Lord: “To whom do You want me to be true?” Did you do it? What happened?
I did not do this. However, I continue to get the vibe from God that I should be present for our daughter. Thanksgiving was not so bad after all.
I’m so glad Thanksgiving was not so bad. You are to be affirmed for loving someone who has hurt you so badly — very Christ-like!
Laura, I am thankful that “Thanksgiving (with your daughter being present) was not so bad after all.” Same here. I had certain expectations for our get-together that were not met, but God continually corrected my perspective to His.
THURSDAY: Happy Thanksgiving
10. What are some reasons Keller gives for it being hard to be a true friend?
Mobility, and we aren’t the friends we should be.
11. Last week I gave a challenge to ask the Lord: “To whom do You want me to be true?” Did you do it? What happened?
Here are my musings since Sunday:
Yes, I came up with names and am still working on them. Is there a particular number to pick? I feel like distance is a factor. Care, constant, candor, counsel.
Keller’s words here have me thinking hard:
A friend always lets you in, never lets you down. How easy is it for you to be transparent, really open up, really let a person in? How easy is it for you to give the gift of emotional vulnerability and connection? It’s hard! We’re afraid. Because we’re not good at giving it, we’re not getting it. Always lets you in. Never lets you down. How are you at being there unconditionally for a person no matter what the cost? It’s hard.
Thank you, Dee, for these heart-searching questions. I want to be a true friend and be good at giving the things that Tim talks about here. I think hurts from the past have caused fear in my heart with some people, but God is so gracious in giving me friends here on the blog. Even though I do not know many of you here due to distance and time, I feel like the 4 C’s are here. It might be at a different level, and in God’s sovereignty, we are here for such a time as this.
I have learned the phrase and meaning of” true blue friends” when I came to the U.S., but are there other colors of true friends? (Smile).
Wednesday afternoon:
I am beginning to realize that my definition of “friend” is very loose. I really like getting acquainted with the music teacher I volunteer with at the elementary school. My first thought was, “Oh, another friend to be!” But is this so? Right now, we sure can “use” each other. She, to have a helper, and me to have an opportunity to use whatever guitar skills I have.
Thursday: We have my husband’s sisters and a nephew, his wife, and our daughter, Ruth, for dinner. I can tell they are family and not necessarily friends. I found an article on C.S. Lewis and J.R. Tolkien’s friendship and read about how their friendship, as close as it was doing had a period of separation. It made me realize earthly friendships could never be perfect.
Friday: I have a way to go to fully understand true earthly friendship. I am glad to know and explore more about why Jesus is my truest friend. And I also need to permit my friends not to be perfect.
That was interesting about the separaton of Lewis and Tolkein for a time — over his marriage. Yes, only perfect in heaven!
12. How did Jesus demonstrate “letting in?”
He called His disciples His “friends.” He let them into the deepest part of His meaning as a human. He told them the plan of how would give His life for them.
How well do you let your closest friends in?
I let them in mostly, but I would say not all the way.
13. How did Jesus demonstrate “laying down?”
In giving His life. He took the wounds that we should have had.
How could you do this even this Thanksgiving week?
I suppose I sort of did a version of giving something up (not my life of course, but the analogy is there). I gave up my fun Thanksgiving dinner with a friend and her family so that our daughter could come and be with her kids. I gave up a lot of the cooking so she could cook and have her traditional meal with her whole family. She isn’t my friend either, of course 🤷🏻♀️.
14. How has Jesus been “a secret Master of ceremonies” in your friendships?
It’s funny, because church dance has brought me together with those I might not ever be “friendly” with normally. Now, we are not close friends, but we definitely are close during the times we need to be rehearsing for a dance. Sometimes dance can be a little more intimate than I like too.
For my closest friends. I believe in at least one case, God actually brought us together. Her husband and I went to college together, he as a graduate student and I as an undergrad. We didn’t know each other well. We ended up living 2 streets apart in another city with the highest metroplex of Dallas/Ft Worth, Tx! She and I met at a kids birthday party. Totally orchestrated by our Lord!
This friendship 👆 brought us to church together and my two other best friends were met at that church. One was pregnant when I was and the other watched all our kids in our nursery there.
All orchestrated by God!
15. What else stands out and why?
This idea of Jesus going to hell for us. I know we have discussed this before here, and I had it come up earlier this week in a discussion with the friend I mentioned above. We were talking about people in the church “industry” that are questionable. Specifically Joyce Meyer. I have researched her before years ago, and found some not so good things. Prosperity church and all. But, I have also seen her on the YouVersion Bible app presenting the verse of the day. I didn’t see anything wrong with her there. 3 of my friends love her, including 2 mentioned above. I stay away because of the things I have read about her. My friend vehemently disagrees with me and as I pulled things up quickly as we spoke, she would disagree with everything and every site I visited. One of the sites said Joyce believed Jesus went to hell. This person thought that was basically blasphemy, yet here, my FAVORITE PASTOR, Tim Keller, basically says the same thing. Ugh! Now is he up there with Joyce Meyer? I can’t believe that. Does the Bible actually say Jesus went to hell on the cross, or is that an interpretation? Now I have to research that! My initial gut reaction, and trying to remember what we discussed here before is that no, the Bible does not say He went to hell. Help! I didn’t research yet because I know that Saturday is slower here because most are finished by now. I’m the slow poke! But I really need some clarification here…
Here in the Bible, it states, “…in the heart of the Earth.” Is that where people get He went to hell?
“for as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale’s belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.”
Matthew 12:40 KJV
“For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; Neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.”
Psalm 16:10 KJV
The Psalm is written by David (I think) and referencing Jesus (I think).
That is a big debate and not worth losing friends over. I like the interpretation that he experienced hell on the cross, but I doubt that is what the Apostles’ Creed meant. There is a mysterious passage about preaching to the people of Noah’s day who are in hell, but some interpret that as Noah being a foreshadowing of Christ preaching to the people while building the ark. Keller’s sermons on it show the mystery of that line in the apostles’ creed and he is not dogmatic.
I do think it is wise to stay away from Joyce Meyer even though she may be right even much of the time.
That’s my two cents! I would just say it’s so mysterious I cannot be dogmatic about it and don’t think anything good can come for our relationship by arguing about it. Could we just wait for Jesus to explain it to us, please?
I agree on all points, Dee. I don’t think it is worth losing a friend over it. I have done a bit of research on the Apostles’ Creed and found it very interesting. I grew up saying it in the Methodist church. Different versions say different lines. The Old Roman says, “…on the third day rose again from the dead…” The traditional English says, “…was crucified, dead, and buried; he descended into hell; the third day he rose again from the dead…” and the modern English says, “…was crucified, died, and was buried; On the third day he rose again…”
This all comes from the site called “Learn Religions.”
I remember studying Revelation and learning that the “saints” are all under the altar waiting for Jesus to return. I wonder if that is where He was? He did take on all our sin but we are still sinners and are allowed in heaven because of His sacrifice.
I agree I need Him to explain, and it is so mysterious as you say. I also do not think it impacts our salvation, so just how much do we really need to know or understand?
Our church just had a sermon series on the Apostles Creed. I’m going to have to look back because they don’t use hell but day descended to the dead- I should remember why but will have to get back to you. I agree with Dee, it’s not worth losing friends over.
https://youtu.be/uT3NPhIcKoA
if you’re interested, this is our pastors message on why the creed said, descended to hell -it was actually changed to that in order to combat heresy at the time and that by hell the term in Latin didn’t mean the place of hell but the place of the dead-he actually died but his spirit went to the Father as he told the thief next to him. I found this interesting. Definitely, not a salvation issue though but confusing and warrants an explanation. I’m leary of Joyce Meyers as well 😉
Thanks Chris! I will listen!
Yes, Chris — thank you. I will listen as well. Does he explain what the heresy was?
He doesn’t go into depth, but explains a bit. Interesting that the creed has changed over the years for this reason, though. Makes sense since the creeds are to help us understand what we believe the scriptures to say about our faith.
Yes, thank you, Chris! I would love to listen in, too! What Jesus did and would do… for us!
Friday:
12. How did Jesus demonstrate “letting in?” How well do you let your closest friends in?
Not too well about certain parts of my life.
13. How did Jesus demonstrate “laying down?” How could you do this even this Thanksgiving week?
He laid His very life down for me. I did pray for a congenial atmosphere during our Thanksgiving Dinner with Richard’s side of the family. We all tried to catch up with one another, but there was a longing for deeper conversations inside of me. However, I am thankful for the time we spent together.
14. How has Jesus been “a secret Master of ceremonies” in your friendships?
I have friends right now who I would never have thought would be friends at this time of my life. God has been at work. And I know that our strongest bond is our love for God and His people.
15. What else stands out and why?
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother, so we’re not ruined. There is a friend who goes to hell, so we’re not ruined. If you know that, that liberates you to be the friend you need to be.
If I know Jesus Christ will never let me down, then I can move out not being afraid of being let down because all my eggs are not in the human friendship basket.
Since Laura brought up the “goes to hell”, I will put in my 2 cents worth here. I often have thought of this as a metaphor. Hell is the worst place one could be because we will be separated from God. And Jesus was “separated” from the Father when He bore all the sins of the world on the cross. In doing so, I will not have to go to hell and be separated from God forever. Hell was the destination for me and for all sinners, but Jesus closed that door with his death and resurrection. And I am good with leaving mysteries to God, including this one.
Thanks for your perspective Bing. Separated from God. That makes sense.
I appreciate your summary on this. I caught up a bit with the girlfriend who was maid of honor in my wedding. We haven’t spoken in decades. I’m hoping to see her over Christmas but it’s unlikely. We shall see where the Lord leads. These lessons have helped me look for the Lord’s leading. None of us can be the friend he is to us, but certainly we can seek to follow his way. And I like your perspective on the creed.
Saturday:
My takeaway:
Keller’s prayer: Thank you, Father, for granting to us the radical cosmic act of friendship Jesus Christ gave to us on the cross when he led us all the way in and showed us he will never let us down. He so radically befriends us that we can become the friends we need to be. We also thank you for the radical possibilities we have within … We are going to be friends with all sorts of people, but within the Christian faith, there is tremendous potential to be deep friends with people who are like us in the most important area and unlike us in almost every other area. We thank you for that possibility as well. We ask you would remake our friendships in your image: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Help us to truly be what you made us to be: friends walking together, with you and with one another. We pray this in Jesus’ name, amen.