If we are to be one in the body of Christ, truly loving one another, we must learn how to apologize well to one another. If we are to bear the only mark of a Christian the world recognizes, we must learn to apologize well to them when we have sinned against them as well.
I am so thankful I learned early in my Christian life how to do an effective apology, for I have needed to do it often. Each time, I was not only completely forgiven, but quite honestly, I think their love for me grew, despite the fact that I had truly caused them pain that I could not take away.
I learned how to do an effective apology from a secular source. Letitia Baldridge, a writer about etiquette, had a moving story about a dinner party given in her honor in Washington D. C. to welcome her to the city. Her friend had gone all out inviting prestigious government officials, hiring a caterer, a florist, the whole works. But Letitia had written down the wrong date on her calendar and gone to the theatre and turned off her phone. She didn’t realize her enormous gaffe until the next morning when she turned on the phone to see countless desperate messages from her friend.
Immediately she went in person to her friend who was understandably icy. Letitia was broken-hearted, weeping, and telling her friend not just that she was so sorry, but how she realized the enormous embarrassment and pain she had caused to someone who had loved her so well. She wrote letters to all the guests, apologizing. She kept sending flowers to her friend, repeating her apology. Her friend finally melted and forgave Letitia.
A few principles she said were necessary for a good apology:
1. Do it in person if at all possible and immediately.
2. Describe the pain you have caused the person.
3. Make no excuses, even if it was unintentional — for there is blame for being careless, and any “but” minimizes or even nullifies an apology.
4. Do whatever you can to make restitution, realizing that it cannot truly make up for your sin.
All of my life I have had Springer Spaniels. Here I am as a teenager with my parents and “Chloe,” the Springer I had all of my growing up years and who meant so much to me. My dear husband allowed me to get three Springers in the life of our marriage: Darling, Heather, and Effie. He became a fan as well, brushing them and loving them well, as proverbs tells us to do. (“A righteous man cares for the life of his beast.”)
I love Springers. They are beautiful, affectionate, loyal, and melt my heart.
They are also hunters. God made them that way. So as a Springer owner I need to be aware of that and not let my Springer run off for he wants to accomplish his purpose in life.
Shortly after reading Letitia’s article, Effie, our new Springer Spaniel, escaped the house, ran off with a neighbor’s dog, and killed three homing pigeons that were in a cage in another neighbor’s backyard. Two of the pigeons had been trained to fly from Kearney, Nebraska to Dallas, Texas, and back. The third pigeon was on loan for 24 hours to be a stud. The neighbor, whom I did not personally know, was the father-in-law of our church’s worship leader. The owner called me, as my information was on Effie’s tag. The other dog had run off but he had Effie and told me what had happened. I was overcome with sorrow at my carelessness in not going immediately after Effie. What pain I had caused! Broken before God, I asked for His forgiveness and help.
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I went immediately in person to the neighbor. Effie was covered with blood and proudly wagging her tail. I broke down in tears.
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I told them I couldn’t even imagine the pain this caused them or the embarrassment and sorrow for the stud that had been on loan.
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I said I had no excuse, and I didn’t. At the time I told myself I could look for Effie, if she hadn’t returned soon because I was in the middle of something, (I can’t remember what) but I should have gone immediately instead of putting my own needs first. Letitia’s article, which I believe God had me read shortly before this happened, helped me to avoid any excuse, any “but.”
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I said I would pay for the cost of the three birds (which as I remember was about 2,000) though I knew there was no way to cover what had happened. I was wrong in being so careless with my dog. They allowed me to write them a check. I don’t think I wrote a note to the owner of the stud — but in retrospect, I should have.
They not only graciously forgave me but spoke well of me to others. I do not think the name of Christ was hurt. I did not deserve their forgiveness, but God gave me both wisdom and favor. Even as I write this today, so many decades later, I feel so tearfully grateful to God, to those neighbors, and I am still grieved over the pain I caused — yet I know I am washed, whiter than snow.
The best apology I can think of in Scripture is that of the younger son in the story of the prodigal sons. It has all the elements plus one important one that Letitia did not mention.
Heads Up:
We have one more week in this series and then, in September, I hope you’ll join in a Paige Benton Brown study on Elijah and Elisha. The big change is that I’ll be posting on Thursdays during that time instead of Sundays, to work more closely with her streaming, which is on Wednesdays. (Then you can find her talk on u-tube until the following Tues. night.) If you have never done a study with Paige, you are in for a wonderful growth experience. More about this next week.
God Hunt Sunday
- How have you experienced the risenness of Christ in your life this week?
Monday: Ineffective and Effective Apologies
Four of my grandchildren and I made this song up this summer after studying John 17.
Click here, then download to see this 20-second video.
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week?
Watch the following:
How to Make a Faux Apology
3. What stands out to you from the above and why?
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology.
Tuesday: Beginning with God
When there is a problem in a horizontal relationship, there is always first a problem in the vertical relationship with God. This is why we must always start by going to God and asking, “How is it between us?”
5. Read Psalm 51:1-5
A. Challenge question: We know David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, so why do you think he says what he does in verse 4?
B. As a believer, why is it important to, first of all, recognize your sin before God before you go to the brother whom you sinned against?
C. What does David recognize about himself? Why is this vital to avoid self-deception?
D. Have you ever experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit after you have self-justified yourself? How did He open your eyes?
6. Read Psalm 51:7-13
A. What do we desperately need according to verse 10?
B. What can happen to our witness when we are cleansed before God according to verses 12-13?
C. If you have experienced both the forgiveness of God and the forgiveness of an offended brother, share what helped to make it happen.
Wednesday: No Longer Worthy To Be Called Your Son
While the main point of this parable is the deceptiveness of “religious” folk like the Pharisees and the older brother that blinds them from their sin, there is also a good model of an effective apology from the repentant younger son.
7. Read Luke 15:11-16 and explain what happened and why this must have hurt the father so. How do you think the son might have justified himself and what does this tell you about the deceitfulness of the human heart?
8. Read Luke 15:17-21
A. How do you interpret the phrase “When he came to himself…?”
B. What is the first thing he is going to do according to verse 18a?
C. Why is going in person the best option? If you cannot go in person for a very good reason, what do you think is the next best option and why?
D. In verse 18b, how does he clearly state his sin without any “but?”
E. How does he recognize and articulate the pain he caused his father, and his desire to make restitution in verse 19?
9. Is the Lord speaking to you through the above in any way? If so, share.
Thursday: Practicing Apologizing
10. Take one of these scenarios, perhaps the one that comes closest to home, or create a true one, and explain what you would do to make things right, remembering what you’ve learned.
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You stood up a friend for a lunch date because you forgot
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You accused a friend of doing something and then, when you got more information, found you were wrong.
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You passed on something a friend had told you in confidence and it got back to her.
11. Action assignment Choices: Choose one and tell us what happened.
- Discuss “Doing an effective apology” with family or friends over a meal or another setting and tell what happened.
- Train a child in doing an effective apology and tell what happened.
- If God has brought to your mind a wrong you never righted, and you are quite sure the wronged person is aware of it, right it and report back.
Friday: How Deep the Father’s Love For Us
12. How does the father respond to his younger son before his son even has a chance to apologize? (Luke 15:20)
13. What does Jesus tell us about the Father’s love for us in John 17:23? Do you believe this in your heart, mind, and soul?
14. What is the last thing Jesus prayed in His last prayer for us? (John 17:26)
15. Why it is important to forgive those who are not even sorry? (See Luke 23:34) How can we do this?
Recently had a conversation with my 12-year-old granddaughter, Sadie. I was affirming her for getting along so much better with her younger sister, and for hearing her apologize. I asked her what had changed. She said, “When I was younger I just always thought I was right and couldn’t see my sin. God is helping me see it better.”
Indeed, there are so many who “know not what they do,” nor do they think to be still before God and let Him show them. A lesson for us, and a lesson for forgiving.
16. What is the difference between forgiveness and setting boundaries when there is a pattern of betrayal? (Consider David and Saul)
L
152 comments
God Hunt Sunday
How have you experienced the risenness of Christ in your life this week? I have been feeling gentle “God nudges” all week. I was asked to sew a ball gown for my step-granddaughter. I have not attempted a complex sewing project in many years, I have issues with my vision now, so in retrospect I should not have agreed to make this dress. However, the Lord has brought to my attention, the honor that was extended in her asking my help to sew this dress for her. So I am shifting my bad attitude to Gratitude! Lord help me. Thank-you Jesus for opening my heart and eyes.
May He anoint you and have it be a work of art, Lydia — one she will love!
Thank-you so much Dee, I feel Him at work in a much greater way. God bless.
May you sow love into that ball gown, Lydia!
Amen! God’s perfect Love.
Lydia, what an honor, indeed! Praying for God to establish the work of your hands! “Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!” Psalm 90:7 ESV
Yes! Thank-you for this perfect passage.
What an honor, Lydia. I will pray Bing’s verse for you. I pray that the Lord will guide you with this garment sewn in love. Love Susan’s idea of sowing love into this gown.
Hi Dee and sisters, I have been away for five years, as I had a catastrophic illness, and I am still recovering in a rehabilitation facility. I am not sure whether I have to sign up again, and am not sure I remember the name I used back then. So this post is a test.
Oh my goodness, Deanna! What a treat to see you here after such a long time! I am so happy you are well enough to come back and participate, and we have missed you.
Thank you, Bing!
Deanna, I am so happy to see you here. Welcome back!
Welcome back Deanna, so glad you are healing and recovering. May God continue to be with you in your recovery.
Thank you to both Susan and Bing! I am having a little trouble getting the hang of a format that is different from what I was used to five years ago. Also thanks to Julie! I can’t tell which reply button belongs to which name. Sorry!
Deanna — so wonderful to have you back, though I am so sorry for the reason you were gone.
Dee, Will you please tell me if there is a tutorial—I think I need a bit of help to get going again, 😄
Welcome back, Deanna. Thankful that you are recovering.
Oh my goodness! Thank God you are back and able to be with us again. What a blessing, Deanna! May God strengthen you in His perfect will.
Welcome back, Deanna!!
Deanna! Wonderful that you are back ♥️
Deanna! What a wonderful surprise to see you! So thankful you are well and back with us.
God Hunt Sunday
1. How have you experienced the risenness of Christ in your life this week? – Out of a bad situation there came a good one. Sadly, are granddaughter had her baby take away shortly after he was born due to neglect and possible abuse, and he was put in foster care, and she then had supervised visits. The foster care system wanted him out of the system but no one that was close in vicinity was able to take him either because no one was admitting to what had happened to him. Our son, the baby’s grandfather, and our daughter in law pooled what money they had to get an attorney and make it happen to get him before he was adopted out by nonfamily. The good in all of this was that where we live now in Tennessee was a stopping point for them before heading to Georgia where he lives. They also stopped here on the way back to Indiana, so we got to see our great grandson. The first meeting was a bit sad, and he looked so lost and alone, but he came to me without fear, and I was able to love on him and make him feel safe. He seems to be adjusting now in his new temporary home. We don’t know the outcome of the charges against our granddaughter and if she will get him back or lose her rights completely, but we know that God has placed this little life in good, loving hands and will get the care he needs to help overcome his ‘loss’. It was a true blessing to see him and show him some love. God has placed us where we are for a such a time like this. Thank you Lord.
Julie, now I understand the story behind the pictures you posted on FB. That’s sad that the child had to be removed from his mother, but hopefully, he will adjust to living with your son and daughter-in-law, and your granddaughter may perhaps get some help for her problems.
Wow, Julie — what a challenging situation. So glad you were there for them — and others pitched in.
Julie, what a story of God’s unfailing love and watch care for those who are helpless such as your great-grandson! Praying, too, for your granddaughter. and thankful for your son and daughter-in-law.
Oh, Julie. This brings tears….What a blessing that this sweet boy can be with his grandparents for now and that you were able to have some time with him. I pray that he will be able to stay in your family. So traumatic for young children. I pray that your granddaughter will get good counseling.
1. How have you experienced the risenness of Christ in your life this week?
I have been re-reading James Martin’s wonderful book on prayer, “Learning to Pray”, and had read the section where he writes about how memories often come up in prayer. Sometimes, God brings up a memory to answer a prayer, or to make a connection with something going on in our life right now, or sometimes, Martin says, it’s just a gift. So I was sitting outside one morning, and I’ve been camped on Psalm 143 because I love verse 8, “Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love.” I love that verse because when I see the new day dispel the darkness of night and see the promise that a new day holds, and how faithful the sun is to rise every morning, it does seem that the morning tells of God’s unfailing love. Then, I turned to Psalm 121 and was reading it. As my Bible lay open on my lap, a yellow monarch butterfly landed right on the page for a few seconds. Then came the memory of when my boys were little, we were leaving the grocery store on a hot summer day, and I saw a yellow monarch butterfly on the pavement right next to our car. I was concerned someone would run it over, and amazingly, it crawled into my hand and I put it on the passenger front seat and drove home with it. When we got home, the boys and I made it a little house out of a cardboard box and filled it with soft grass, and we fed it Gerber blueberry baby food from the jar lid; we watched its tongue unfurl and I guess sip the food. I have pictures of my boys with the butterfly on their arms. It stayed for a few hours and then suddenly, flew away. We’d named it Rufus. So when I saw this butterfly, I smiled as I remembered Rufus, and our time with him, and I’d been feeling a bit sad about missing my now adult kids and the days when they were home with me. That lovely memory was a gift.
The whole story is so like you, Susan. I love it.
Oh, Susan! What a very lovely memory for you. I love the verse from Psalm 143.
Oh Susan, what a precious memory! God is so good, His mercies are new every morning! Our memories are such a blessing and encouragement. Thank-you for sharing this “riseness of Christ” God moment.
So sweet! I too, sometimes miss the days of my time with them at home.
Very sweet!
What a beautiful story, Susan. Thank you for sharing. Everything God does is so meaningful and such a beautiful experience for your boys.
What a wonderful memory, Susan.
oh Susan–you sharing this memory here with us is a gift. In my new flower garden, I have had butterflies, daily. The prettiest one is a big yellow one, the biggest I’ve ever seen in my life. At least I think it’s the same yellow one that keeps coming back! Also a really pretty blue one. I will think of you now when I see them 🙂
1. How have you experienced the risenness of Christ in your life this week?
A resident in the group home became sick last week and when I returned to work Friday night she was experiencing a lot of pain. This particular individual always calls for me when she needs help. As I watched her struggle to get comfortable to sleep after she was given med for headache, inwardly I was praying because I felt so helpless. A few hours later she was awake and told me she was having shoulder pain. A thought immediately came to my mind, “Put a warm washcloth on it.” I wet a washcloth and heated in the microwave for 30 seconds and placed it on top of her gown that covered her shoulder. She felt immediate relief and was so grateful. God is our great Physician so I know the Holy Spirit guided me to help her. Thankfully she has been admitted to hospital and diagnosis has been made.
Praise God for your healing hands and caring heart! The Holy Spirit can impart such wisdom, if we just stop and listen. Blessings.
Great God moment, Tammy!
Thank You, Lord, for Tammy.
I so identify with your example, Tammy. I have experienced God’s wisdom when I am caring for my patients, too. There is no small thing in the eyes of God when we listen, trust, and obey.
I love how your heart is so sensitive to the Holy Spirit, Tammy. This sweet resident trusts you and calls on you when she needs help~ she knows you care. What a blessing you are in her life.
Good Sunday to all of you, sorry I was MIA for most of last week. (I did the week study today). I had minor surgery on my foot,(removal of overgrowth of bone, free floating bone, and arthritis) and have to be off my foot for a week or two. The way I have experienced the riseness of Jesus is in the love and concern shown to me through His people. Several people have brought over food, sent messages of support. I will be with you until September, I will watch the Paige Benton teachings, but not be able to join you, I so enjoyed the ‘Its all about the heart, stupid’ series and super enjoyed it!!
Hope you are back on your feet again soon!
Oh, Tammy! I hope your recovery is coming along nicely. God’s people at work is beautiful to behold.
Praying for a speedy recovery for you, Tammy Jo.
1. How have you experienced the risenness of Christ in your life this week?
We have just come through an emotional few weeks, although good. My new daughter in law’s parents wrote the nicest, heartfelt thank you note to me and my husband for hosting them during their US stay. They were truly grateful for our hospitality. They (as far as I know) are not believers but were considerate of us. I believe our son is happy. I appreciate the beauty of our families being together! Thank You Jesus. ♥️
Laura, thank you for sharing the pictures on FB. You looked so happy in them! God is good, indeed!
God Hunt Sunday
How have you experienced the risenness of Christ in your life this week?
I have been burdened by what I perceived as a lack of interest of a long-time church member to “reconcile” with us. She keeps us at arm’s length and has declined our calls to visit and talk. Last week, I was prompted to comment on this: “people do not have to be deserving of our sincere love in order for us to love them.”
I am tempted to walk away and move on. But my heart continues to see Jesus hanging on the cross for me, undeserving as I am. God has given me such an awareness of His love for me that I cannot just walk away. So, this week, He brought to mind what I can do to reach out again.
The examples of Letitia and Dee have buoyed my spirit not to give up. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18
A young mother and I have just finished doing Dee’s Ruth Bible Study. One of the lessons we gleaned from it is the faithful love of Ruth for Naomi, her mother-in-law. Even though Naomi acted and spoke without consideration of Ruth when they arrived in Bethlehem, Ruth overlooked all of these and continued to show hesed to her. We know the rest of the story.
I so claim that our situation with this sister in Christ would have a cause for celebration. Oh, Lord, help us to love as you love us.
I claim it with you, Bing, and for wisdom and favor.
Thank you, Dee, especially for articulating your prayers for wisdom and favor. I know God is at work and will do according to His will.
I just had to stop by the blog this AM as I absolutely hate it that I’m missing some awfully good study time here. Life is especially chaotic right now and I wonder when I will ever have a break to quiet my heart. I’ve been interrupted just now and I must go but wanted to say what a blessing it was just to read the blog this morning. I got sidetracked by a suggestion to see a blog post from many years ago about icy idols and Dee’s recounting of her story with Violet, the house cleaner. I’m just sitting in amazement of this story and gleaning so much from it. And the mention of Henri Nouwen sitting in front of the painting in St. Petersburg really gave me food for thought. So much I want to write but life is calling and I must go. Much love to Dee and all here, dear blog sisters.
Missy, I thought of the same story of the house cleaner! Much love to you as well. Come whenever you can. Praying for calm in the midst of chaos for you. Jesus is in the “boat” with you!
I am so happy that you stopped by Missy! You have so much going on in your life! Praying that your heart will be calm in the midst of the chaos. I love the story of Violet too. So many lessons. Much love to you and your family, Missy.
Praying for you Missy that you can find the peace you need to regroup. Yes, like Bing said, jump on when you can, it could just be the nudge God is giving you to refresh your heart.
Good to see you here, Missy!
Monday: Ineffective and Effective Apologies
Four of my grandchildren and I made this song up this summer after studying John 17.
Click here, then download to see this 20-second video.
So simple but so profound. Thanks for sharing, Dee!
3 . What stands out to you from the opening of this week?
Watch the following:
What stands out to you from the above and why?
This 10-minute video was jam-packed with lessons but three things stood out to me:
I just want to go back to harmony and it short circuits the real apology. (Jonathan) I am giving in to my idol of comfort and approval when I am motivated by harmony at all costs.
Do not forget the forgiveness of God that I have received. This gives perspective to the radical nature of forgiveness. Only when I REALLY acknowledge the magnitude of God’s love for me that I will be able to effectively apologize. The practice of being a daily repenter is a step towards this realization.
True forgiveness is not exacting a payback from the other person. There should be no desire for me to have the person groveling.
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology.
I had a student one time who walked out of class because we had a disagreement. I felt embarrassed in front of my other students, but I maintained my composure and finished the hour. I took care of the matter with my director and told him I will address it with the student as soon as she comes back to class. That very night, she found me on Facebook (at that time I did not know you could do such a thing), wrote a lengthy apology, owned up to her mistake, etc. And unexpectedly, she did not have any “buts” in her apology.
Now, how could I not receive this kind of apology? I quickly sent a reply of forgiveness. The rest of the year, she was pleasant and did very well. She went on and became a great nurse. It was a BIG lesson not only for her but for me as well.
And you know what? I was at a store one time and came across her mother who worked there. She stopped me and told me how much she appreciated that I gave her daughter another chance after what she did to me. I left that store with a thankful heart.
Great story!
I love the story of your student, Bing. I love the follow up when you encountered her mother later.
Monday
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week?
Your grandchildren singing is so precious and I have found that songs are a good way of instilling truth, so I’m sure they will remember no “buts when asking for forgiveness!” Your story of your dog killing the pigeons was a lesson to learn in a very hard way. We had a man in Africa who raised pigeons and we were able to feed and hold them and that’s where my love for birds grew…such sweet creatures, but he always made sure they were put back where they were safe. It always saddens me to think of the circle of life but that’s how God created it to be. I look forward to the day it will no longer have to be necessary!
3. What stands out to you from the above and why?
What stood out the most to me is when we ask for forgiveness the person may not be ready to receive it and we shouldn’t ask for forgiveness expecting to hear them say it’s “ok” and immediately have it all be back to the way it was before.
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology.
We had a family in our church that have an autistic son who was in the youth group I was in charge of. One Wednesday night I cancelled youth group to celebrate our sons birthday in which some of the kids from the group were invited, but not their son. They stopped coming to church and this is a family we’d known for years and loved. We found out thur another family that they were hurt that their son was not included…totally unintentional and so we went to their home and asked their forgiveness for the hurt our actions caused. Their sweet son thought nothing of it and immediately hugged us and the parents so appreciated that we came in person to apologize and forgave us.
Truth! What stood out the most to me is when we ask for forgiveness the person may not be ready to receive it and we shouldn’t ask for forgiveness expecting to hear them say it’s “ok” and immediately have it all be back to the way it was before.
So beautiful, Sharon!
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week?
What a precious and meaningful song your grandchildren wrote, Dee. It is such a good lesson! And it is wonderful to learn that as a child! I feel that I have been forgiven for so much by our Heavenly Father, I am always anxious to forgive another, even without an apology. Maybe it it is my idol of harmony, but how can I, who have been forgiven for so much, not forgive another.
I am so thankful that your neighbor forgave you and Effie. I know they were crushed by the event, but they also knew you were sincere and it was unintentional.
3. What stands out to you from the above and why?
This video is excellent. I copied the link and sent it to my daughters to watch. One of the things that has caused division between one of our daughters and our son is that he felt an apology she made was not an apology, because she worded it “I am sorry that you took what I said the wrong way”. I think she truly is sorry for what she said, but his heart was hardened. She has tried to apologize several times and written notes to him, to build a bridge, but he remains angry in his heart. Family relationships are so fragile and both parties must want harmony. All this to say that this video and Leticia’s article and steps to apology are all such excellent advice.
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology.
When my children were young, we had a boy in our neighborhood named Terry. One day I was out in front of our home (with our dog) and Terry was at the park across street. He came over to see if our son could play and as he walked up the steps, our dog jumped up on his back and started barking. I grabbed the dog and had her sit. Terry’s shirt was torn. I apologized immediately (I also bought him a new shirt later). He accepted my apology. I talked with him about what had happened and discovered that he had taunted our dog, when our kids had the dog on a leash at the park one day. Cinder, our dog, loved all the neighbor kids. Terry gave a treat to Cinder and petted her. He promised not to taunt her and he apologized. We, fortunately, mended the relationship and I never let our dog go to the park again. Terry and Cinder became friends. I was thankful for God’s grace and a good outcome. I learned a couple of good lessons that day and thankful no one was hurt.
Great story about Terry and Cinder!
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week? Cute grandkids Dee!!
I feel like I have mostly tried to make apologies when I have wronged. At least I have done this in my adult life. Something internal told me to make it sounds a certain way, and not make excuses.
where I get confused is when you don’t know you have hurt someone. Maybe they don’t tell you. What then? Also, what if the person won’t accept your calls, letters, gifts? How are you supposed to apologize then? We have this going on in our family right now.
3. What stands out to you from the above and why?
The other person may not forgive you. Also, an apology should include a line asking for forgiveness.
I am still getting my lesson at an old email. I tried to re-subscribe, but that did not work… so I am writing a line here. I will put in my current email. Thanks, Dee.
If you need me to go to the website guy, let me know, Patti.
Thank you so much, Dee. I will let you know if it goes to the wrong email next Sunday.
Monday: Ineffective and Effective Apologies
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week? – Oh, Dee I remember seeing their song on Facebook when you posted it and what a great song. It will surely make them remember what a true apology really is, a lot is easier with the song. I know for me I remember songs so much faster than something I’ve read or was told.
It really is hard for me to admit when I’m wrong or have done something that was not right, but even more so when it is with someone very close to me. It should be easier to do it with family, but for me that is something I need to continue to work on. I liked the four principles that you listed. Confrontation is hard as it is, but to confront someone in person and not make a ‘but’ statement is even harder. We seem to want to defend our actions, like we had a good reason to do harm or insult to someone else. I was listening to my various podcasts today and they had said the same thing, that a true apology does not have a ‘but’ added. Ok God, I’m hearing you, now be with me as I apologize where I need to.
Monday: Ineffective and Effective Apologies
3. What stands out to you from the above and why? – Great little discussion on this. I really liked that we need to be sincere about our apology but give the person we have offended grace. That we may want closure quickly on the issue at hand, but the one that was offended needs time to digest it all. Also, when we are the one being apologized to, we need to not just say, it’s ok, but to truly let them know if they have been forgiven.
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology. – When my oldest son was about 8 he was really acting out and rigged up a fishing line across the hallway knowing I would be the next one down the hall and wanted to make me trip over it. I was so upset, I had to call my parents over because I was afraid what I might do. They made him apologize to me, but sadly it meant nothing at the time because they told him to apologize. Was I being too harsh and unforgiving to this 8-year-old boy who was struggling with pain from a divorce as much as I was. Now that I look back and have done so much reading in the Bible on how I should be acting, yes, I probably was. I didn’t want his apology because I didn’t think it was coming from the heart, but who was I to judge him, maybe for him, it was as effective as he could get at the time.
As I think back on my apologies, they seem to have defending statements in them. WOW this makes me sad, to think my intentions to apologize were not very sincere. I meant them from the heart, but my defense deflated what my heart was trying to say. OK, this is going to be a challenge I’m going to take on to learn how to apologize sincerely and without excuse.
Oh, Julie! I totally get what you are saying in your comment. I look back at my apologies and I know many of them to have “buts”! I am praying with you for us to learn how to apologize and without excuse.
Bing, I will be praying along with you for us.
I love this lesson, because I see that I have done this too. So often we want to explain the circumstance that caused us to react a certain way. I am praying to keep my words focused on just the apology. Such a great point, Julie.
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week? What stands out to me most is your sincere sorrow for the harm your dog caused, due to your negligence. I don’t remember ever getting an apology like that from any of the many that truly hurt me. Bless you Dee! (I loved your Grandchildrens’ song!)
3.What stands out to you from the above and why? What my Mother always called “a left handed apology”. I am sorry that you took my comment the wrong way! I believe this has been the most common of the apologies I have recieved. How insincere can it get?
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology. My Aunt told me something that I believed to be a lie about my younger daughter. I found out the truth soon after. My daughter had not been honest with me. I called my Aunt and asked if I could please come right away and talk to her. I tearfully confessed my error and begged her forgiveness. Eventhough she was very hurt by my lack of trust, she forgave me with open arms. Our relationship was so strengthened and enriched by this experience. Praise the Lord!
Great example, Lydia.
3. What stands out to you from the above and why? The “but” always erases anything that precedes it.
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology. I had a situation at work in which I was very much at fault in contributing to the situation. Even though others would not acknowledge their part in it, I apologized and admitted my faults and shortcomings. It was hard because no one else came forward and admitted to their part in it. In the end it looked like I was 100% at fault. The others in their heart of hearts had to know that they were a part of it. I feel that it was effective because I know that the other people involved saw what can happen when the truth is revealed.
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week? The elements of an effective apology. There is always the temptation to minimize wrongdoing by adding a “but” to the apology.
3. What stands out to you from the above and why? There’s a difference between apologizing and asking forgiveness. You can ask for forgiveness in an aggressive manner that pretty much demands it from the other person, which is not a very humble approach. I find it much easier to ask forgiveness when I have unintentionally hurt or offended someone, but when I do something intentionally or without regard to the other person’s feelings, it is really hard to admit it and ask forgiveness.
It looks like I answered #3 twice, lol!
5. Read Psalm 51:1-5
A. Challenge question: We know David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, so why do you think he says what he does in verse 4?
Is it because we answer to God first and foremost?
B. As a believer, why is it important to, first of all, recognize your sin before God before you go to the brother whom you sinned against?
I think we must work it out first with God because His way is the standard. He sets the tone and helps us know exactly what to say to the one whom you have sinned against.
C. What does David recognize about himself? Why is this vital to avoid self-deception?
He is a sinner (born) and needs cleansing. We must not lie to ourselves. We need to own the sin to make it right.
D. Have you ever experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit after you have self-justified yourself? How did He open your eyes?
oh yeah… that’s the awful feeling that something isn’t right. It makes me realize I need to be completely truthful.
6. Read Psalm 51:7-13
A. What do we desperately need according to verse 10?
Ww need a loyal spirit. A clean heart.
B. What can happen to our witness when we are cleansed before God according to verses 12-13?
we are restored with the joy of salvation! We are willing to obey again! Thank You Jesus!
C. If you have experienced both the forgiveness of God and the forgiveness of an offended brother, share what helped to make it happen.
Yes. You know the feeling that you wonder if God has forgiven you for real? I have had the occurrence of a repeated event in my life that I’m convinced is Him reassuring me that I am forgiven.
With the brother, it’s different. I think time is the best medicine, and not giving up on the relationship. It is showing that what you did was wrong by continuing to press on with how it was before you committed the act.
5. Read Psalm 51:1-5
A. Challenge question: We know David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, so why do you think he says what he does in verse 4?
When David sinned, he sinned not only against Bathsheba and Uriah, but against the laws and covenants of God.
B. As a believer, why is it important to, first of all, recognize your sin before God before you go to the brother whom you sinned against?
Our moral compass comes from God. In our hearts we know good from evil, which are the laws of God. When we sin against another, it puts a wedge into our relationship with God. We need to go to Him and acknowledge that we have sinned against Him first, and ask His forgiveness.
C. What does David recognize about himself? Why is this vital to avoid self-deception?
David realizes that he was born a sinner, as we all are. He knows he needs to confess his sin to God and ask forgiveness. It is important that he does not try to excuse his sin.
D. Have you ever experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit after you have self-justified yourself? How did He open your eyes?
Yes. The Holy Spirit gave me a heaviness in my heart. I asked the Lord for forgiveness and I asked forgiveness of the person.
6. Read Psalm 51:7-13
A. What do we desperately need according to verse 10?
We need a clean heart and a renewed steadfast spirit of faithfulness. Repentance is the requirement to come to the Lord.
B. What can happen to our witness when we are cleansed before God according to verses 12-13?
Our joy of salvation is restored. We Praise God for His forgiveness. We become an example to teach others His way. You can tell your children the importance of apologizing and forgiving, but when they see you doing it, it means more than just hearing about it.
Patti, your answer to B, “You can tell your children the importance of apologizing and forgiving, but when they see you doing it, it means more than just hearing about it.” Love this. Our actions sometimes are absorbed so much more than our words.
Yes — so true Julie — kindness caught more than taught.
Tuesday: Beginning with God
When there is a problem in a horizontal relationship, there is always first a problem in the vertical relationship with God. This is why we must always start by going to God and asking, “How is it between us?”
5. Read Psalm 51:1-5
A. Challenge question: We know David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, so why do you think he says what he does in verse 4? – God does not take sin lightly. If we go against what we have been taught and know to be the Christian way of living, we are going against God. To be like God we need to live like God and that is without sin.
B. As a believer, why is it important to, first of all, recognize your sin before God before you go to the brother whom you sinned against? – When we ask God to forgive us and we repent of our sin to Him, he will be with us as we go forth to make amends with those we have sinned against.
C. What does David recognize about himself? Why is this vital to avoid self-deception? – He is admitting that he is a sinner and must have been from birth. I think if we openly admit when we have sinned, we are truly saddened by what we did. The repentance is from the heart and not just our mouth. We have to know deep down that it takes great strength to live a life like God, blameless. By knowing this, we remind ourselves that we are his creation, a work in progress, but one that we have to work to remove all the negative in our lives so we can strive to be more like God. We need to be in His Word constantly, so our hearts and minds are filled with his goodness and not the idols of the world we live in that try to pull us away from Him.
D. Have you ever experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit after you have self-justified yourself? How did He open your eyes? – Work has been a bit stressful the last few weeks. My boss is on intermittent FMLA and is off more the last few weeks then in the office. When she is out, things, people, issues come my way. I have mumbled, grumbled and felt sorry for myself and say I’m just going to give my two weeks’ notice now and not wait until March to be done. And then God…the Holy Spirit convicts me pretty much as I give my last mumble and makes me remember what my boss is going through, watching her loved one struggle for life in ICU. That nudge gets me back on track and humbles me to suck it up and keep moving forward.
6. Read Psalm 51:7-13
A. What do we desperately need according to verse 10? – We need to have a pure heart and a renewed spirit.
B. What can happen to our witness when we are cleansed before God according to verses 12-13? – When we are cleansed, we have a testimony to others on just how we need to cry out and just what God will do to help us be renewed and put joy back into our spirit.
C. If you have experienced both the forgiveness of God and the forgiveness of an offended brother, share what helped to make it happen. – I feel that I do receive the forgiveness of God but I’m trying to remember if someone that I have offended has forgiven me. For me, the forgiveness that comes to me seems to just come in the form of speaking again or doing things together again. In both instances, it seems to just be forgotten and we move on. I will have to work on making it a point to speak out my apology and ask them to forgive me.
Your answer to C is interesting to me. I find that is how most people “apologize” but it isn’t very satisfying. I do forgive and move on, but it makes me a bit wary that they will do it again as there has been no acknowledgment of repentance. What do you think?
I think this is a great point, Dee. An insincere apology can change our trust level. I think apologizes is one of the most difficult things in a relationship. Our society directs us to win, to get even. Jesus, by example, teaches us to not be offended, to forgive the impossible and to show love. This is humanly very difficult.
apologies not apologizes
Patti, that is so true, it’s a me, me society now for a lot of people.
I would agree with you Dee. Just sweeping things under the rug is not confronting the true issue. I am not one that likes confrontation at all, but if I want people to sincerely apologize to me, I need to act and do the same thing.
Good discussion. And I do think there isn’t enough teaching on how to apologize. I’m thinking of trying to get an article in TGC page — sometime. May the Lord help me!
2. What stands out to you from the opening of this week? Dee’s heart felt apology, and the fullness of it, that it included not only the fact that her dog did those deeds, but also the honesty in how she had waited when she realized her dog had gotten out, also the amount of restitution, holy smokes.
3. What stands out to you from the above and why? How an effective apology cant demand a desired response, that an effective apology involves humility.
4. Share a time when you gave or received an effective apology. In June I went to women’s conference. At the conference, I realized that I had wronged someone by sharing their current struggles with my husband. (The struggles had been shared in a biblestudy I facilitate). This was a long time friend. So I had talked with her and confessed that I shared what should have been kept confidential. That it was wrong of me to talk with my husband about it. She graciously forgave me. The hard part is I try to be a trustworthy person, for others to be able to talk to, and this did a great job of humbling me to remember that I am not all that and a bag of potato chips. It was also a great reminder of keeping a guard over my mouth. Talking about this situation though reminds me of another one that happened around the same time, where my apology was ineffective, and I plan to be in prayer about revisiting it and apologizing properly.
A. Challenge question: We know David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, so why do you think he says what he does in verse 4? Curious to hear other answers.
B. As a believer, why is it important to, first of all, recognize your sin before God before you go to the brother whom you sinned against? My relationship with God should be first and most important.
C. What does David recognize about himself? Why is this vital to avoid self-deception? That he was brought forth in iniquity, and was conceived in sin. If we practice self-deception about our sinfulness, it will come between us and God. We will start to not seek forgiveness because we will falsely believe we have no sin.
D. Have you ever experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit after you have self-justified yourself? How did He open your eyes? Oh yeah! Oh my, can I count the ways, His word, sermons, others, and bibestudies. 😊
6. Read Psalm 51:7-13
A. What do we desperately need according to verse 10? A clean heart, a right spirt.
B. What can happen to our witness when we are cleansed before God according to verses 12-13? I mean when we are humbled, by confessing sin, like against another person, then any good that I have done, becomes more obviously God and not me. When I confess I reveal the truth that in my flesh, I am sinfilled, its only by His Spirit in me I can accomplish for the kingdom.
C. If you have experienced both the forgiveness of God and the forgiveness of an offended brother, share what helped to make it happen. The grace of God. The grace of God to believe His word that I am forgiven, and the grace of God through the person, as they grant me forgiveness, because of the grace of God in their life, they become a conduit of that grace from God to me.
I finally have a night off after work 6 12 hr night shifts so I’ve been contemplating the challenge question.
….why do you think he says what he does in verse 4?
As an Israelite David was versed in God’s covenant commands to His people. Since David chose to shirk his kingly duties during the season of war he set himself up for a fall. Obviously, he pushed “Thou shalt not commit adultery” to the back of his mind. I believe Psalm 51:4 is pertinent because it took the death of his child from an unholy alliance to bring David to the realization God really means what He says and He always backs up His words with action.
HMMM — this is interesting Tammy. I hadn’t thought that Psalm 51 was written after the death of his child. Do we know that for certain?
I didn’t mean to imply Psalm 51 was written after death of son. I was thinking about how David fasted and pleaded for his son’s life but after he died David accepted it without reservation.
Well, it may have been after that. We don’t really know. Interesting to ponder.
I was on the last question for today when I accidentally closed the window and lost all of what I had written. I usually periodically copy what I’ve written so this doesn’t happen, but I didn’t this time. I’ll revisit these questions tomorrow (maybe with more insight since I’ll have more time to ponder them).
What a good way to look at those computer losses that can feel so frustrating!
Just checking in. We are traveling again and I have been off schedule with sleep patterns and activities so just haven’t had the time to read and meditate on answering these lessons. We have been in the Black Hills with old friends off roading for a few days and then Thursday will head to Montana to see our youngest daughter and her family through next week. She has a full schedule planned for us going into Glacier Natl. Park and some family activities with them and our 2 little grandsons 9 & 6. I have read most comments so far and am trying to keep a sense of what God is teaching us here and evaluating my own life in regard to apologies. I have done it pretty poorly in the past for several reasons part of which was insecurity and trying to defend myself. But over the last few years I’ve worked at doing a better job of making apology when and where needed. Dee’s testimonies are a very real help in seeing how to appropriately apologize and the value of doing so. Where I am truly wrong it is not as hard for me to be sorry and seek forgiveness but I find being on the other side of the coin where I have been wronged and no apology is forthcoming it is a hard struggle to step back and be willing to forgive anyway and move on. I desire to have a right heart before God and a clear conscience. To be at peace with the Lord and others is a wonderful thing.
Oh Bev — how I love your heart.
This is Golden: To be at peace with the Lord and others is a wonderful thing. Thank you, Bev. Safe travels.
Bev, love your post. Yes, it is a wonderful thing when we are at peace with God and others. And I am learning that when the latter is still on “peace hold”, I can trust God to bring it about in His perfect timing.
7. Read Luke 15:11-16 and explain what happened and why this must have hurt the father so. How do you think the son might have justified himself and what does this tell you about the deceitfulness of the human heart?
A younger son wanted his share of his inheritance prior to his fathers death. The father divided the money and gave the sons their shares. The youngest left and squandered his money. He was left feeding pigs with nothing to show for himself.
The father must have been hurt because the son wanted to leave.
The son cared only for himself. He wanted a good time! He felt he was owed the money through his birth.
8. Read Luke 15:17-21
A. How do you interpret the phrase “When he came to himself…?”
This would mean he reflected on what he had done and realized his mistake.
B. What is the first thing he is going to do according to verse 18a?
He decides to go home.
C. Why is going in person the best option? If you cannot go in person for a very good reason, what do you think is the next best option and why?
He wanted to apologize to the father. An apology is best in person because the facial expression and body language cannot be faked. The truth is told in actions. I suppose the next best option is a phone call (for us in modern times), or a letter, because you can express your heart in writing. Never an email or a text!
D. In verse 18b, how does he clearly state his sin without any “but?”
He says what he did. He sinned against his father and heaven.
E. How does he recognize and articulate the pain he caused his father, and his desire to make restitution in verse 19?
He says he is no longer worthy to be his son and will work for him for free!
9. Is the Lord speaking to you through the above in any way? If so, share.
Yes. I woke up this morning after having a brief dream about writing a letter to our family member who won’t accept any contact from us. There was a misunderstanding and the person doesn’t know all the facts. God was pressing me to explain by writing a letter. It really isn’t an apology that I need to give. But, I am thinking I need to be a mediator between the two parties involved.
Will pray for that mediation, Laura — may He give you wisdom.
I will pray with you about writing a letter, Laura. It is so hard to articulate facts and true feelings in a letter.
Laura, I will be praying for the hearts that receive your letter to be open and willing to see the truth. God is powerful and can work in any heart that needs to soften.
Tuesday
5. Read Psalm 51:1-5
A. Challenge question: We know David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, so why do you think he says what he does in verse 4?
“Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just.”
Psalms 51:4 NLT
This statement from David tells me a lot about his understanding of the root cause of his sin. The laws of God he sinned against were lying, murder and adultery. He put aside his relationship with the Lord to satisfy his desires and enjoy sin for a season. Grave consequences came from his sins and he knew God had every right to bring judgment against him and he knew it would be just!
B. As a believer, why is it important to, first of all, recognize your sin before God before you go to the brother whom you sinned against?
It’s important that our relationship is right with God which gives us understanding as to why our relationship isn’t right with others.
C. What does David recognize about himself? Why is this vital to avoid self-deception?
He realized he was born a sinner. We can deceive ourselves into thinking that we’re good in and of ourselves and that doing a sin here and there is ok because after all I’m a good person for the most part.
D. Have you ever experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit after you have self-justified yourself?
Yes!!!
How did He open your eyes?
I became miserable and knew I needed to make things right! I knew my relationship with the Lord wasn’t right and knew I’d sinned against Him as well.
Wednesday: No Longer Worthy To Be Called Your Son
While the main point of this parable is the deceptiveness of “religious” folk like the Pharisees and the older brother that blinds them from their sin, there is also a good model of an effective apology from the repentant younger son.
7. Read Luke 15:11-16 and explain what happened and why this must have hurt the father so. How do you think the son might have justified himself and what does this tell you about the deceitfulness of the human heart? – The man divided up his wealth between his two sons on the request of the younger son and the younger son went off and wasted it away and ended up with nothing. I would think the father thought his son was greedy and rude to come out and ask for his share. The father worked hard to have what he did for his sons possibly and when the son lost it all, he may have been confused as to how his son could have done that after all he had done for him. The son may have approached his father and told him he was old enough now to take care of himself and wanted to be on his own and travel to see what was out there in the world. This tells me our heart is looking for pleasure most of the time and can’t tell the difference of good and bad unless we have studied God’s Word to know what to watch for.
8. Read Luke 15:17-21
A. How do you interpret the phrase “When he came to himself…?” – To me it means he realized he had done wrong and wasted everything he had been given and that he needed to figure out his next steps.
B. What is the first thing he is going to do according to verse 18a? – He was going to go back home to his father
C. Why is going in person the best option? If you cannot go in person for a very good reason, what do you think is the next best option and why? – I think going in person shows the one offended that you truly are sorry. You are thinking enough about them to confront them face to face, to show them they are worth your time to mend the issue. In today’s technological world I think you could attempt a video call so they can still see you in a sense face to face. If you are face to face either in person or on a video call the offended person can see your actions and your face and the sincerity in your apology.
D. In verse 18b, how does he clearly state his sin without any “but?” – He says he has sinned against him and against heaven and earth.
E. How does he recognize and articulate the pain he caused his father, and his desire to make restitution in verse 19? – He knows that what he has done made him unworthy to even come back, so if his father would forgive him, he is willing to be a hired man.
9. Is the Lord speaking to you through the above in any way? If so, share. – I have been thinking that I need to reach out to both of my boys and apologize to them for not being there for them, not being involved in their interests and just not being a good mom to them when it was just the three of us.
Read Luke 15:11-16 and explain what happened and why this must have hurt the father so. How do you think the son might have justified himself and what does this tell you about the deceitfulness of the human heart? A son asked his father for his inheritence, the father divided his property between his two sons. Then the younger son who had made the request collected all of his belongings and left for a distant country. There he wasted his inheritence on wild living. There was a famine in the country and he hired himself out to a farmer to feed his pigs. He was so hungry he wanted to eqt the pigs food, then he remembered his fathers hired men and how well they had it. ( The father would have been hurt because the son rejected him and their relationship for his inheritence, the father was not even near death, but treated as such by the selfish son. The son could have rationalized his wants and needs because life on the farm was so dull and boring. Why should his youth be wasted on obeying his father?) We can all justify our selfish decisions in whatever way we choose to think, human nature is self-centered.
8. Read Luke 15:17-21
A. How do you interpret the phrase “When he came to himself…?” My Bible says “when he came to his senses”. He woke up from his delusions if grandeur, when all of his wealth was gone.
B. What is the first thing he is going to do according to verse 18a? He will return to his father..
C. Why is going in person the best option? If you cannot go in person for a very good reason, what do you think is the next best option and why? You must sincerely repent while looking at the person whom you have wronged and face the consequences. They may or may not accept your apology. If you can’t go in person, a written apology is the next best option…because there is a record, proof of your confession of guilt and request for pardon.
D. In verse 18b, how does he clearly state his sin without any “but?” “Father I have sinned against heaven and against you.”
E. How does he recognize and articulate the pain he caused his father, and his desire to make restitution in verse 19? “I am no longer worthy to be called your son, make me like one of your hired men.”
9. Is the Lord speaking to you through the above in any way? If so, share.
No. The Lord dealt with me and the issue of my disrespect for my parents many years ago and I confessed and repented to them in person and never showed them disrespect again.
Great illustration from #9.
Tuesday
6. Read Psalm 51:7-13
A. What do we desperately need according to verse 10?
A clean heart and a right spirit.
B. What can happen to our witness when we are cleansed before God according to verses 12-13?
Our witness will be full of joy and others will see our willingness to obey Him and then we can teach others who have chosen to rebel and they’ll return to Him.
C. If you have experienced both the forgiveness of God and the forgiveness of an offended brother, share what helped to make it happen.
From my story above what helped is another brother and sister in Christ to show the hurt we caused. When we found out we couldn’t move fast enough to make the offense right as it wasn’t only important to receive Gods forgiveness but theirs as well.
Loved that story.
5. Read Psalm 51:1-5
A. Challenge question: We know David sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, so why do you think he says what he does in verse 4?
We must come before the Lord first because ultimately any sin with a brother or a sister is first, a sin against God.
B. As a believer, why is it important to, first of all, recognize your sin before God before you go to the brother whom you sinned against?
Forgiveness should come first from God because it is only when we come to him that we are truly acknowledging that we have fallen short of His glory. It is also an acknowledgment of our dependency on him to make things right. God is the only one who can totally blot out our transgressions.
C. What does David recognize about himself? Why is this vital to avoid self-deception?
That he is a sinner.
D. Have you ever experienced the conviction of the Holy Spirit after you have self-justified yourself? How did He open your eyes?
The Word of God opened and opens my eyes. He also has used other people to confront me.
6. Read Psalm 51:7-13
A. What do we desperately need according to verse 10?
A pure heart and a steadfast spirit.
B. What can happen to our witness when we are cleansed before God according to verses 12-13?
We can be more effective witnesses. Our joy from being forgiven sinners would be authentic and attractive to others.
C. If you have experienced both the forgiveness of God and the forgiveness of an offended brother, share what helped to make it happen.
A friend and I were co-writing a little booklet, “praying for your child” when our children were younger when I did something to hurt her feelings. She brought it up with me. At first, I was shocked that I offended her. And then came a quick realization of how my action would have offended her. I remember feeling like cold water washing over me with that realization. I did not want to hurt my friend. I sincerely value her friendship, so, tearfully, I acknowledged my wrongdoing, although I do believe I said a “but”. My friend forgave me. We both ended our conversation in tears and prayers. We also said a prayer of thanks for safeguarding our friendship. Julie is still my best friend to this day.
Great story, Bing — even if you said a but. 🙂
So thankful that you still have that precious friendship.
Wednesday
7. Read Luke 15:11-16 and explain what happened and why this must have hurt the father so. How do you think the son might have justified himself and what does this tell you about the deceitfulness of the human heart?
A man has two sons and the younger wants his inheritance before his father dies and the father agreed. He divided the wealth between his two sons and a few days later the younger moved to a distant land, wasted his inheritance on wild living. When his money ran out there was a famine in the land and he began to starve. He got a job from a farmer feeding the pigs. He became so hungry that the pods he was feeding the pigs looked appetizing to him. I’m sure the father wanted both of his sons to stay with him and maybe he thought giving them their inheritance would keep them home. The younger brother probably justified his actions by thinking he could do just fine on his own which shows his selfishness.
8. Read Luke 15:17-21
A. How do you interpret the phrase “When he came to himself…?”
He finally came to his senses being his misery.
“In his rebellion and disobedience, he wasn’t himself. “In his years of riot he was not himself. It was not the prodigal who was the real man. The real man was the penitent, not the prodigal.” (Morrison)
B. What is the first thing he is going to do according to verse 18a?
Go home to his father and say “Father, I’ve sinned against both heaven and you.”
C. Why is going in person the best option?
Going in person gives the apology more sincerity. Seeing and hearing makes sure there there is no miscommunication and questions can be answered. That you really care that you have sinned against that person.
If you cannot go in person for a very good reason, what do you think is the next best option and why?
Call the person on the phone. Hearing an apology from the person shows you care and also questions can be answered immediately.
D. In verse 18b, how does he clearly state his sin without any “but?”
He just flat says, I sinned against heaven and you…period!!
E. How does he recognize and articulate the pain he caused his father, and his desire to make restitution in verse 19?
He humbles himself saying he’s not worthy to be called his son and asks to be hired as one of his servants.
9. Is the Lord speaking to you through the above in any way? If so, share.
I will need to pray over this.
Wednesday: No Longer Worthy To Be Called Your Son
While the main point of this parable is the deceptiveness of “religious” folk like the Pharisees and the older brother that blinds them from their sin, there is also a good model of an effective apology from the repentant younger son.
7. Read Luke 15:11-16 and explain what happened and why this must have hurt the father so. How do you think the son might have justified himself and what does this tell you about the deceitfulness of the human heart?
The younger son asked for his share of the estate. The father may have thought, “Son, I am not even dead yet!” The son acted greedy and ungrateful for what he had at the time. The father must have felt used instead of being loved and respected for being the provider and protector of the family.
There is a tendency for the heart to think that God owes us whatever we want since He created us.
8. Read Luke 15:17-21
A. How do you interpret the phrase “When he came to himself…?”
He was made aware of his own depravity? A realization of his stupidity? It’s the heart, stupid! From Paige LOL
B. What is the first thing he is going to do according to verse 18a?
He was going to go to his father.
C. Why is going in person the best option? If you cannot go in person for a very good reason, what do you think is the next best option and why?
Going in person is a sign of respect and perhaps shows sincerity. If I cannot go in person, maybe write a letter. It gives the other person time to think through what I am saying without the pressure of responding right away.
D. In verse 18b, how does he clearly state his sin without any “but?”
I have sinned against heaven and against you, my father.
E. How does he recognize and articulate the pain he caused his father, and his desire to make restitution in verse 19?
He is not worthy anymore to be a son and will ask his father to hire him as a servant.
9. Is the Lord speaking to you through the above in any way? If so, share.
I want to be a sincere apologizer from now on. To own up to my mistake with no buts or ifs. I am asking the Spirit to help me as I know it is not going to be easy. I am blessed by Letitia’s and Dee’s example and can just “hear” the peace and joy that came for both of them in the restored relationships.
🙂
10. Take one of these scenarios, perhaps the one that comes closest to home, or create a true one, and explain what you would do to make things right, remembering what you’ve learned.
You stood up a friend for a lunch date because you forgot
You accused a friend of doing something and then, when you got more information, found you were wrong.
I would start with making sure I was face to face with the friend. I would say, “I am sorry I accused you of ________. I found out that I didn’t have all the information, and when I learned more of the situation I realized I was wrong.” I would then say, “I am sorry and I hope you can forgive me.”
You passed on something a friend had told you in confidence and it got back to her.
11. Action assignment Choices: Choose one and tell us what happened.
Discuss “Doing an effective apology” with family or friends over a meal or another setting and tell what happened.
Train a child in doing an effective apology and tell what happened.
If God has brought to your mind a wrong you never righted, and you are quite sure the wronged person is aware of it, right it and report back.
I will probably discuss with friends how to apologize effectively. I think teaching it to a child is important as well though. I may do that too.
If you think of it, could you pray for me today? We begin another school year and I am tired. I need to remain calm and thoughtful this time around because there are so many challenges with colleagues and administration (mostly) with respect to running a school that I disagree with as a person. Children are to be protected in my profession, until they are adults. I question allowing a 14 year old to make life changing decisions and expecting me to play along. I pray for logical heads to work together to make it better then it is. I pray that I can manage to stick it out for the year. I just want to teach my subject and not be pressured to go beyond that in many ways. I only have a couple more years and then I am going to retire. God has always protected me. Thank You Lord. I know you will protect me here too.
What a challenge you have, Laura. No wonder 1/3 of teachers in public schools quit in the last two years. I do pray for you to have protection, wisdom, and for those running the school to come to their senses!
Thank you for your prayers.♥️
Yesterday we had an icebreaker and had to talk to another teacher we didn’t know well. We had to answer a question about a song to start the new year. I love music and know lots of songs and genre, but I could only remember Chris Tomlin’s new song “Always!” I kept trying to think of another that she would know, but couldn’t! My mind was a blank. So, I decided to explain to her. “I am Christian and listen to Christian music mostly.” I told her about the song and how it meant that God would always be with me. I said that I thought most of us could use that guiding hand in school these days. She agreed and said she liked that thought! Never expected to have that experience yesterday!
Laura, I know you aren’t a “new” teacher but I thought these prayers could be very beneficial for you this school year.
You are in my prayers and may God give you His wisdom and strength each and every day!
https://www.crosswalk.com/special-coverage/back-to-school/-pocket-prayers-for-new-teachers.html?utm_source=Crosswalk&utm_campaign=Connecting through Crisis – Crosswalk.com&utm_medium=email&utm_content=6934812&recip=538208373&aps=7699c722935467420bb67aac1d5a9bb08e393cd2f557d91234b5def016d5b00f
Laura, I’m sorry if this ends up being posted twice, for some reason it disappeared. I know you’re not a “new” teacher but I thought these prayers could be beneficial for you.
https://www.crosswalk.com/special-coverage/back-to-school/-pocket-prayers-for-new-teachers.html?utm_source=Crosswalk&utm_campaign=Connecting%20through%20Crisis%20-%20Crosswalk.com&utm_medium=email&utm_content=6934812&recip=538208373&aps=7699c722935467420bb67aac1d5a9bb08e393cd2f557d91234b5def016d5b00f
I pray for God’s strength and wisdom over you this school year.
So good Sharon! These are me wonderful, short, pick me up prayers! Thank you for sharing them. I think I will print and make a little book for my desk 😉.
😊
laura, I am not going back to school full time as you are, but I will be helping a small private institute start a health occupations program. I went to my designated classroom yesterday and spent some time praying for the room, my students who will be coming, staff and teachers, etc. I should have really prayer-walked around the building and the school grounds. Just a thought. I will be praying for God’s protection and wisdom for you.
Thank you for this Bing! I definitely need to do some prayer walking around the school! Maybe sometime this weekend will work. Good luck to you on the new work (aren’t you supposed to be retired?!)
Oh, Laura! My heart aches for you! I know so many are going through these challenges and so many excellent teachers are leaving the profession. I will pray for you daily! My husband had so much of this in when he was in public education~ it took a huge toll on his health. Today, it is so much more difficult, especially wanted to keep parents in the dark.
Thursday
10. Take one of these scenarios, perhaps the one that comes closest to home, or create a true one, and explain what you would do to make things right, remembering what you’ve learned.
This is a true one that I may of shared here before. In a home Bible study group there was input by one of the woman that I became combative with what she was saying and I was displaying zero grace! The next day the Holy Spirit was really making me miserable in regard to my “unchristian” attitude towards this woman and I named my sin to God and asked for forgiveness. I had to also make things right with this woman. I was unable to meet with her in person so I picked up the phone and asked her to please forgive me for the way I treated her and was very sorry. She responded by saying she didn’t take it as me being combative but thanked me for calling and that she forgave me. I learned the importance of listening and extending grace.
11. Action assignment Choices: Choose one and tell us what happened.
I will definitely speak to my grand boys about an effective apology and show them the video of your grandchildren singing…will let you know how they respond.
Oh yes, let me know! 🙂
Thursday: Practicing Apologizing
10. Take one of these scenarios, perhaps the one that comes closest to home, or create a true one, and explain what you would do to make things right, remembering what you’ve learned.
You accused a friend of doing something and then, when you got more information, found you were wrong. – This one I’m switching up a bit. It’s not so much a friend, but my boys, when they were younger especially, but I’m kept this in my head for everything now. I used to accuse/blame them for doing something just by something I had heard from someone else, and it has proven to not be the right thing to do. They would say that they didn’t do it, but I didn’t listen to them, and took the report from someone else. I have since learned, if I don’t see them doing it, I won’t accuse them of doing it. I will get more information from them directly before I handle the situation. I’ve always told my boys, don’t lie to me, just tell me the truth even though you may get in trouble, it will be worse trouble if you lie and I find out the truth later.
11. Action assignment Choices: Choose one and tell us what happened.
Discuss “Doing an effective apology” with family or friends over a meal or another setting and tell what happened. – This will be my assignment I take on. More to come. Stand By!
7. Read Luke 15:11-16 and explain what happened and why this must have hurt the father so. How do you think the son might have justified himself and what does this tell you about the deceitfulness of the human heart? It possibly hurt the father because of the love and provisions that the father lavished on the son. The son may have justified himself by blaming his greedy, manipulative friends or really anyone else but himself.
8. Read Luke 15:17-21
A. How do you interpret the phrase “When he came to himself…?” Remembered who he was in his ‘past life’ and even more importantly who his dad was.
B. What is the first thing he is going to do according to verse 18a? Go to his father.
C. Why is going in person the best option? If you cannot go in person for a very good reason, what do you think is the next best option and why? Its best to be as present as possible, so if in person is not possible then the next most physically present option should be used.
D. In verse 18b, how does he clearly state his sin without any “but?” Just a simple statement of I have sinned, no excuses, no sharing the blame.
E. How does he recognize and articulate the pain he caused his father, and his desire to make restitution in verse 19? He clearly does not call on any rights afforded to him by his station as son, he relinquishes all rights as son and desires to work as if a servant.
Thursday: Practicing Apologizing
10. Take one of these scenarios, perhaps the one that comes closest to home, or create a true one, and explain what you would do to make things right, remembering what you’ve learned.
You stood up a friend for a lunch date because you forgot
You accused a friend of doing something and then, when you got more information, found you were wrong.
You passed on something a friend had told you in confidence and it got back to her. Go directly to her and confess my sin of not holding her confidence, asking for her forgiveness.
Friday
12. How does the father respond to his younger son before his son even has a chance to apologize? (Luke 15:20)
He was filled with love and compassion and ran to him and embraced and kissed him.
13. What does Jesus tell us about the Father’s love for us in John 17:23? He loves us as much as He loves His Son. Do you believe this in your heart, mind, and soul? I do but do have times of doubt.
14. What is the last thing Jesus prayed in His last prayer for us? (John 17:26)
That the love which His Father loved Him may be in us.
15. Why it is important to forgive those who are not even sorry? (See Luke 23:24)
Dee, I’m not real sure which verse you meant to refer to here? If you meant Luke 24:34 my answer would be because they don’t know what they are doing. I will go to Matthew 6:14-15 and say it’s important because if we forgive, God will forgive us and if we refuse to forgive, the Father won’t forgive us.
How can we do this?
By making sure our relationship with the Lord is right. If the vertical is right than the horizontal will be as well.
I can see how that is confusing, but I know that I was in such denial about my manipulative ways that I really didn’t know what I was doing — I though sideways comments were kinder than direct confrontation. Or at least that was the way I deceived myself. So I know that sometimes people hurt me because they are in the dark. Our hearts are so deceptive. So that helps me forgive when there is no apology, though I admit it is still unsatisfying for I suspect they will do it again. But like Jonah, sometimes it just takes a while for God to get it in our heads.
Thank you for the clarification Dee…that really helped.
You may want to change the reference of Luke 23:24, “So Pilate sentenced Jesus to die as they demanded.”
To, Luke 23:34, “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.”
That would certainly be a much clearer reference! Oh my!
Thursday: Practicing Apologizing
10. Take one of these scenarios, perhaps the one that comes closest to home, or create a true one, and explain what you would do to make things right, remembering what you’ve learned.
You stood up a friend for a lunch date because you forgot
I will go to my friend and tell her I am sorry for standing her up for our lunch date. It was wrong of me and apologize for the inconvenience I have caused her. Then I will offer to do lunch that very day if she is available or the soonest time possible, we can get together. Offer to pick her up and pay for her lunch.
11. Action assignment Choices: Choose one and tell us what happened.
Last night the kids were in the car with me. Grace was in a feisty mood and said some very mean things to her brother. I told her she needed to apologize. I said she needed to ask forgiveness but he didn’t have to forgive her. He was crying! She finally did what I said and apologized. I also told her she should not repeat the behavior again. That’s the hard part; how to not make the same mistake again? How do you get a child to understand that?
Pray for the heart and keep repeating. It is the heart!
So good Dee, pray for the heart.” Thanks for that good question Laura.
Friday
16. What is the difference between forgiveness and setting boundaries when there is a pattern of betrayal? (Consider David and Saul)
I’m going to share advice my father-in-law gave me cause it really made a big difference in my point of view in regards to this. Prayer! If someone continues to hurt you and has absolutely no remorse, turn them over to God. But, pray for them, pray scripture over them, pour out your heart and hurt to God and don’t worry if there fails to be an immediate change because what’s important is that there is change in you.
Don had a church where there was a pattern of the people hurting pastor after pastor and they couldn’t keep one. I believe it was 25 years later, after he’d prayed for these precious people, that they had a “forgiveness reunion.” They invited pastors, including him to come and they apologized for how they had treated them. Don said it was so good and of course he’d already forgiven them but it was definitely of the Holy Spirit. As you said Dee, “like Jonah, sometimes it just takes a while for God to get it in our heads.”
Wow — I didn’t know about this forgiveness reunion! So good.
12. How does the father respond to his younger son before his son even has a chance to apologize? (Luke 15:20)
He runs to him, hugs him, kisses him, and welcomes him home.
13. What does Jesus tell us about the Father’s love for us in John 17:23? Do you believe this in your heart, mind, and soul?
That He is within the Father and the Father is in Him. He wants others to know that He was sent by the Father to show His love for us.
Hmmm, yes, mostly.
I know there’s no take-a-way this week but I am so thankful for what you brought out in the study this week. It’s caused me to ask God to search my heart and show me any behavior or attitude I don’t realize may be causing hurt as I can so easily deceive myself or even justify. Thank you for making me think, be more observant and understand that that is also true in others that may cause hurt as well. Will tuck this in my memory bank…apologize without a but!! “I praise Him for the glorious grace He has poured on us who belong to His dear Son.” Ephesians 1:6
Sharon — thanks for this!
14. What is the last thing Jesus prayed in His last prayer for us? (John 17:26)
That we would have the Father’s love inside because then we would have Him in us.
15. Why it is important to forgive those who are not even sorry? (See Luke 23:34) How can we do this?
They have no idea what they have done. We can pray for them to make the connection and pray to God to forgive them for not understanding what they did.
16. What is the difference between forgiveness and setting boundaries when there is a pattern of betrayal? (Consider David and Saul)
This is hard for me to describe, but it is exactly our situation with our daughter and her husband. We have forgiven them for all the struggles they have put us through, but there are definitely boundaries now. We don’t want to get hurt again.
12. How does the father respond to his younger son before his son even has a chance to apologize? (Luke 15:20)
But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him.
This verse was very meaningful to me as it conveys the great love of the father for his younger son. The father saw his son from a long way off-it means the father was always on the lookout for the son to come back. Kind of like some movies where parents leave the porch light on always so the erring child knows she/he can come back anytime. Oh! I also remember from Rapunzel how the whole town has lighted lanterns, waiting and hoping, she will come back to the kingdom.
The father ran toward the son (not waiting for him to come back groveling), threw his arms, and kissed him (no questions asked just an abundant show of grace and forgiveness even if the son hasn’t said a word yet.
13. What does Jesus tell us about the Father’s love for us in John 17:23? Do you believe this in your heart, mind, and soul?
I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.
14. What is the last thing Jesus prayed in His last prayer for us? (John 17:26)
I have made you[a] known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”
That we would continue to know God and know His love that He has given His Son, and therefore to us as well.
15. Why it is important to forgive those who are not even sorry? (See Luke 23:24) How can we do this?
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Since the heart is deceitful, others may not know how they have hurt or offended us (and vice versa). We need to forgive them just as Jesus forgave us. Because He died for us while we were yet sinners.
How can I do this? By looking at the cross and praying that God would help me forgive others.
Recently had a conversation with my 12-year-old granddaughter, Sadie. I was affirming her for getting along so much better with her younger sister, and for hearing her apologize. I asked her what had changed. She said, “When I was younger I just always thought I was right and couldn’t see my sin. God is helping me see it better.”
Indeed, there are so many who “know not what they do,” nor do they think to be still before God and let Him show them. A lesson for us, and a lesson for forgiving.
Sadie is very wise for her age! I need to daily ask God to help me see my sin better.