Lent begins next week, and we will finish the Gospel of John during that time. But I was so inspired by going through Tim and Kathy Keller’s: “The Meaning of Marriage” with my granddaughter and her fiance that I thought we all could benefit from some of the gold in that book, whether single or married. Tim and Kathy are enormously vulnerable in the book, which is so helpful. Keller’s congregation was 3/4 single for a long time, and he has great wisdom for singles. (He had 1,000 who were married and 3,000 who were single.) Many of us are grandmothers who might have a chance to mentor our grandchildren concerning choosing a marriage partner or finding God’s blessing in being single.
Keller emphasizes the importance of not making physical attractiveness the basis of choosing a marriage partner. My 2nd granddaughter, Jessa, and her fiance, Timothy, met through an online game as children, then years later, connected again, and began to chat online, discovering faith in one another and so many similar loves. This went on for 8 years before they decided to meet. They were already in love and felt certain the other was their match. Jessa told Timothy: “You need to tell me what you look like so I’ll know who you are in the airport. I also would like to know your real name.” She was already committed in her heart and said none of the outer factors mattered. We laughed about how their basis couldn’t have been physical attractiveness since they had no idea what the other looked like or what race they were!
Sunday:
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well.
Monday: Christianity and Singleness
Our own Missy, who has ministered to so many children through fostering and adoption, is a model of what God can do with one person sold out to Him. I remember asking our Social Worker about singles who adopted, saying, “I think they need both parents.” She said, “They do. And that makes their chances of success in life much better. But one parent is so much better than none.”
Here is a Facebook post with a comment from her daughter.
Happy Mother’s Day 
to this wonderful woman who just keeps making me happy and making everything right just so I can have a perfect LIFE!!! I’m glad God chose you to be my mama 
I LOVE YOU!!— with Miriam Missy Matson.
Keller quotes Stanley Hauerwas who says Christianity was the very first religion that held up single adulthood as a viable way of life: “One clear difference between Christianity and Judaism (and all other traditional religions) is the former’s entertainment of the idea of singleness as the paradigm way of life for it’s followers.” Nearly all ancient religions and cultures made an absolute value o the family and of the bearing of children. There was no honor without family honor, and there was so real lasting significance without leaving heirs….But Christianity’s founder, Jesus Christ, and leading theologian St. Paul, were both single their entire lives.”
Keller makes a huge point about how our world makes an idol of “apocalyptic romance,” which is certainly fueled by many romantic movies. Marriage is a good gift, but our meaning and significance should come from our relationship with Christ.
When my husband was dying, in his fifties, he told me he wanted to talk to me about re-marriage and he surprised me by exhorting me to remain single. His reasons were:
Many men would not be supportive of the demands of my ministry in traveling or finances.
With our many children, combined families are often very challenging.
Though I am not wealthy (for an American), I inherited a beautiful home that might have made me prey to men with impure motives.
He saw me as competent to live independently.
I had a few offers in my first decade as a widow, but I am glad I did not consider them because of my husband’s counsel. My life has been full in Christ and I do truly appreciate my freedom to serve Him as I feel led. I am blessed, too, by sisters in Christ (including you) and godly Christian brothers.
2. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience?
Tuesday: Serving Begets Love
The Kellers believe the key teaching in Scripture in marriage is not on “roles” but on learning to follow Christ’s example, as expressed in Philippians 2. When Steve and I were writing our guide on marriage, he declared, “The overriding theme in Scripture is not ‘who is in charge here?’ but the two shall be one, and that only happens through the mutual serving of the other. This is the passage Jessamyn and Timothy have chosen for me to read at their wedding in two weeks.
3. Read Philippians 2:1-11
A. What are some of the ways Christ blessed us with “hesed” love that should overflow to others?
B. Keller feels verses 3-4 are key for a successful marriage — and that if both will not practice them, one might turn the tide. What do these verses say?
C. Keller says valuing others above ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but less about ourselves. What do you think?
D. What I found golden in this part is that serving begets love. He tells of a difficult couple in his Pennsylvania church whom he served often and came to love. On his day off, he suggested that Kathy and he get together with them. She was shocked, but he had truly come to love them and wanted to be with them. Have you experienced serving begetting love? If so, share.
Wednesday: The Bumpy Road to Marital Joy
4. I know many of you have had challenging marriages but have matured and are experiencing joy. I’d love to hear your stories:
5. Keller provides statistics showing that two-thirds of couples who were close to divorce but instead stayed the course were glad they had not divorced five years later. Is that part of your personal experience? How would this cause you to counsel couples in unhappy marriages?
6. If you are married, what were some of the ways God matured you in your early years through pain? And how did that maturity lead to a better marriage?
7. The Kellers tell a story of conflict when Tim began at Redeemer. He had asked Kathy for a two-year grace period, during which he wouldn’t be around much because of the energy of beginning a church, but then he would cut back. But he kept putting off cutting back. One day, he came home to hear the sound of shattering china. She was calmly sitting at a table with a hammer breaking saucers of their wedding china. He thought she had lost it and sat down and said, “I’m listening.” She finally had gotten his attention. Later he said, “But our wedding china?” She explained those two saucers no longer had cups, so she was glad she didn’t have to break a third saucer. If you are married, did you have a turning point like this in your marriage?
Thursday: The Gospel and Marriage
The Lord had marriage in mind to reflect the saving work of Christ, the gospel.
8. First, we are so bad it took the crucifixion of our Lord to rescue us. Unless we recognize our own selfishness and continual need for repentance, our marriage will not flourish. How well do you do this in marriage? In friendship?
9. Second, we are so loved, that Christ did humble Himself and come for us. How well do you humble yourself to serve your spouse — or others?
10. This is the power of marriage to help one another be all they can be in Christ. How has your spouse helped you to be this? How have you helped him?
Friday: Roles in Marriage — Times when a Tie-Breaker is Needed
Luci Shaw said, “Harold is the head of our home, and I submit to him. But it has only come up twice in thirty years of marriage.” That’s a healthy marriage. Kathy Keller wrote one chapter in this book, and it was on this subject. She says most decisions can be agreed upon together, but there are times when a tie-breaker is needed. She did not want to move to New York City, fearing the impact on their three young sons. He felt led to take the call but was going to submit to her. She said, “Oh no — don’t put that on me. Be the man, seek the Lord, and make the decision.” He did, and they moved to New York.
11. What has been your experience with this in marriage? What have you learned?
Saturday:
12. What is your takeaway from this week and why?
119 comments
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well.
I learned so many things. One thing, was learning to manage money and pay bills. My husband was continuing in college when we got married. He so busy, plus he did not like to manage money. It was a huge learning curve! How to deal with the practical and still keep a good relationship, is challenge for people who get married very young.
God saw ahead to your need as a widow!
I’m just amazed at the awesomeness of God. Our journey will all fall into place when the needs arise. Then we will see His hand was at work along the way.
I have been so encouraged by your story, Julie. God’s surgeon hands can be painful, but we know He has a plan that is for the good of His kingdom. I am praying and searching for Christian friends and fellowship. I know God has a plan.
Sunday:
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well.
—I have never truly experienced singleness but I can speak from 57 years of being married to the same man. We were high school sweethearts and married very young both 18 years old. Terry’s impact on my life has been huge. My character has probably been most shaped and affected by my times of deep frustration and anger with him because God had to confront and deal with my own heart in learning how to forgive and love unconditionally. My selfish old nature wanted to control and demand but as I grew in the Lord and matured in my walk with Christ he used my being married and living 24/7 with a man to shape my life to be more Christlike. God never let me off the hook in His requirements to love and respect my husband for who he was. As Terry grew to become a man of God his leadership and influence became consistently more positive in my life. God has been very good and faithful to us over the many years.
Such a great example of why to stay married!
Love this Bev.
What a wonderful and sweet story of your life together. Thank you for sharing, Bev.
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well. To give up control. My way isn’t the only way or the right way to do everything. I have to allow my husband the opportunity to do things his way and if they don’t turn out to be the best then I have to acknowledge that God is in control of our lives and He has a purpose for what happens to us.
So hard to give up control 🙂
Sunday:
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well.
Oh my. My husband and I both come from divorced homes, which definitely influenced our view on marriage and cemented our view of our Lord’s plan for marriage, as well, I’m sure as our character. In our own marriage, I would say the Lord has humbled me through learning to put my own needs aside for the sake of my spouse. A God hunt would be that a relationship with my sister has been reconciled to the degree it can after 6 years of silence. I will not share details, but suffice to say I am not sure where the Lord would have this go but I am being careful as this sister tends toward a lack of discretion and discernment, falling into much turmoil as a result. I will be praying for wisdom as interactions come and looking for ways to speak truth with grace.
I agree — Lord please give Chris wisdom and the ability to speak truth with grace. May her sister receive it. In Jesus Name I pray
I join Dee in praying for wisdom and grace, in relating to your sister, dear Chris.
A bittersweet reunion I’m sure Chris. Praying along with Dee and others here.
Relationships are so hard at times. I pray, in agreement with Dee and the sisters here.
I do appreciate the prayers. I don’t like broken relationships. I’m glad we are at least on speaking terms again and definitely praying she will receive truth, for that is a stickler.
2. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience?
I love Missy and her heart/devotion to her children and the Lord. I can see where a marriage could both make her “work” easier and difficult. Maintaining a marriage would have to come first over her ministry to the children, which could be limiting. I have no doubt the Lord has led her to where she is and will fill the needs as he sees fit. I love Steve’s heart of protection for Dee. I’m sure that the Lord calls some of us to remain single for the reason of ministry. When I first became a Christian, I wanted to have a ministry and remain single. I didn’t know what that looked like but just wanted to serve the Lord. I didn’t know then that he would give me 8 children to raise for him and many grandchildren (11 and counting). My family and church ministries as well as a prayer group have filled my life. I love, Dee, that your granddaughter and her fiancé came to you for counseling. My sixth child, a son, is getting married in August. His fiancé comes from a very disfunctional home. We have some concerns, but they are aware and working at getting ahead of the problems that may come by attending a marriage conference and attending bible study. I may see if they would read through Tim’s book with my husband and I, as well. Great idea.
So interesting to hear your “back” story. Keller also has 6 videos on his book in case they are not readers.
This is great to know. I’m actually now considering reading his book with our small group as well. We meet with 4 other couples who all have grown children or children coming of age to marry. We have 2 weeks left of our current study and I think this would be a great book for us to do next. I’m ordering one today to have for myself and plan to see what they think.
Wow, Chris! What an amazing story of your big family. Thank you for sharing. I love your heart for God.
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well.
Marriage has helped bring me back to God, as my children were responsible for doing that. I will admit, it took a long time to get me to know Jesus, but here I am. I have also learned that I am not defined by myself, and what I can do, rather I am His and He has other plans for my life.
Have we heard this story — of how your children led you to Christ?
Oh yes! At least part of it. When our first son was about 14 mo old I had an epiphany. Since my parents raised me in church, I had this gnawing I needed to be doing something with our child that wasn’t being done. I realized it was taking him to church! We found a local Methodist church (I was raised Methodist although my mom was Catholic) and we began attending. We have gone to church since that time. I don’t think we would have done this if I had not been raised in church. Even though my husband was raised Catholic, I don’t think he would have pushed this for our family. I am so happy my parents made us attend.
This same child is also why I know Jesus today. When he was 15, I was at my wits end with his shenanigans. I gave it/him to God and ended up here. You and the sisters have pulled me through all these years! I have learned so much and have a personal relationship with Jesus because of him (and Sarah). My husband has also changed; a lot. He still struggles with legalism, but he is so much closer to Jesus because of what we have been through.
Thank you Dee and blog sisters for helping me all these years!
I love the way relationships work in our hearts. Tim Keller preached about the relationship of the Trinity and the eternal glorifying of one another. Our relationship with God and one another are what the Ten Commandments are all about. Our lives are driven by relationships. Praise God, Laura, for your salvation and the work God continues to do in your life and that of your family.
Oh, Laura! I love your story and I love how iron sharpens iron with our blog sisters. I have learned much about your integrity and resilience from reading your wonderful and always honest posts. Thank you for sharing from the heart. I so hope to meet you in person one day!
♥️
Laura this is such a great testimony. God can and will use anyone of us and our circumstances.
Sunday:
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well. – I’ve learned to believe and trust that God hears me. That he has His best plan for my life planned out. He never let me down and my needs were always met. Because of the growth in my life, I can help others know that it will be ok, when they seem to not see or feel His presence.
Monday: Christianity and Singleness
Keller makes a huge point about how our world makes an idol of “apocalyptic romance,” which is certainly fueled by many romantic movies. Marriage is a good gift, but our meaning and significance should come from our relationship with Christ.
When my husband was dying, in his fifties, he told me he wanted to talk to me about re-marriage and he surprised me by exhorting me to remain single. His reasons were:
Many men would not be supportive of the demands of my ministry in traveling or finances.
With our many children, combined families are often very challenging.
Though I am not wealthy (for an American), I inherited a beautiful home that might have made me prey to men with impure motives.
He saw me as competent to live independently.
I had a few offers in my first decade as a widow, but I am glad I did not consider them because of my husband’s counsel. My life has been full in Christ and I do truly appreciate my freedom to serve Him as I feel led. I am blessed, too, by sisters in Christ (including you) and godly Christian brothers.
2. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience? – Miriam what a blessing you are to those you meet. I love your comment back to the social worker, “one parent is better than none.” So good. Seeing this section I can see now that God had a plan. I didn’t experience a death of a spouse, but I did go through a divorce and was a single mom for ten years before I married again. Looking back at the ten years, I can see now that God was growing me internally and outwardly. I grew closer to the Lord, and I grew outwardly to know I needed to listen and follow His lead in order to survive. This growth period kept me strong in the Lord and was sure of who I was in Him. Thanks Dee, for this insight. My eyes have now been open.
Julie, I love your story of God growing you internally and outwardly. I see Ruth’s story in your story and Bing’s story. Thank you for sharing.
2. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience?
I think Missy is amazing and I could not do what she has done!
My mom did not remarry when my dad died. She was 48 and he was 50. I always felt sad that mom didn’t have someone to share life with, especially at the end.
I’m not sure about what the Bible says about being married versus single. Jesus wasn’t married. We don’t know if Naomi remarried, but I don’t think she did based on the scripture. Either was Mary Magdalene, right?
I think it’s really hard to be married and very hard to be single. At least when you are married you have joint money and such. You have someone to lean on. Being single must be lonely. But, the choices you make are your own and you don’t have others to worry about.
Christianity is the only religion that exalts being single, for other religions put so much emphasis on carrying on the family line.
Sunday:
1. Share one specific way the Lord has shaped your character through singleness or marriage. If you have a God Hunt from last week, share that as well.
I never thought I was a very selfish girl until I got married! When I look back at the early years of our marriage, I see a self-focused passive-aggressive person in me and a patient, loving faithful person in my husband. I carried behavior patterns based on how my parents related to each other. Only by the grace and mercy of God has He opened my eyes to the truth of Ephesians 5 as it truly applies to marriage and ultimately my relationship with Jesus. I am thankful to God for not giving up on me.
A God Hunt:
Last week, I shared about how we proceeded with our Valentine’s Banquet on the 15th despite the weather instead of postponing it to this weekend. As this past week unfolded, Richard and I saw how God works things out for good when we trust in Him. And it filled us with joy.
Richard ended with three calls for a funeral, two for members of our church. The last one is tomorrow. As you can imagine, preparing the services and the meals for the families requires work. If we had postponed the banquet on the 22nd, we would have been pushed to the limit and God knew our physical and mental capacities. We felt God has given us also more emotional bandwidth to care for the three families entrusted to us.
Marriage and motherhood have a way of revealing our self-centeredness, for sure!
1. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience?
I am the oldest girl among the cousins on my mom’s side of the family. My cousins used to tease me that I should get married and not be a spinster. Our Filipino culture considers marriage and children as valuable (top priority; sense of fulfillment) and there was an underlying perception that there must be something wrong if one remains single.
After a very painful breakup with the man I thought I would marry, God’s healing surgeon hands worked on me while steering and sustaining me through a vibrant ministry to nursing students and the college girls in our slowly growing small church. I met a wonderful single missionary with IVCF that made me think that I may do likewise. God began to give me a sense of contentment then knowing He has my future in place. Unbeknownst to me, Richard was on the same boat, committing his life to God as a missionary and as a single man.
But God had other plans (wink). He allowed us to meet and 3 years later, in 1988, we were married! I would not give up those years of ministry as a single woman, though, unencumbered by the demands of having a family to care for.
As a side note: Richard and I have been talking lately about what each of us would do if we lost the other. We both believe that God wants us to remain single till He calls either of us home.
I love your story, Bing, and your dependence on the Lord.
Thank you for sharing this powerful story of God’s hands on both you and Richard. He was working behind the scenes, preparing a beautiful life and ministry for the two of you together. I love the Jesus who surprises!
Bing, it’s so hard to see at the time of trials, or breakups the reason why. But God’s plans are so much better always. And once we see the ‘new’ plan, oh my. It’s so good.
dee, again, thank you for another wonderful side trip!
Thanks, Bing. I made plans but the Lord directed my steps to two side-trips!
Amen to Bing, Dee. I have loved these side trips and Love that the Lord directed your steps. I am listening to all of Tim and Kathy Keller’s videos! So good! Thank you!
3. Read Philippians 2:1-11
A. What are some of the ways Christ blessed us with “hesed” love that should overflow to others? Primarily his death on the cross, but also his example to us here on earth of being a servant and living a life of humility and holiness. The way he treated others is our goal and our gratitude for him is our motivation.
B. Keller feels verses 3-4 are key for a successful marriage — and that if both will not practice them, one might turn the tide. What do these verses say? 100% agree with Keller. Humility is key and putting others ahead of ourselves. I will say in addition, a heavy reliance on the Lord and prayer.
C. Keller says valuing others above ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but less about ourselves. What do you think? Yes. We need to keep our identity in Christ and help the other see theirs.
D. What I found golden in this part is that serving begets love. He tells of a difficult couple in his Pennsylvania church whom he served often and came to love. On his day off, he suggested that Kathy and he get together with them. She was shocked, but he had truly come to love them and wanted to be with them. Have you experienced serving begetting love? If so, share. I can’t think of an example right now.
Amen to your answer to B , Chris!
2. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience?
I truly believe that Jesus is our ultimate husband. I am now a widow and I cannot envision ever getting married again, but I am fine with that.
Patti, I think we both had so much to be thankful to God for our husbands that He gave us both the desire not to marry again (not that for others it won’t be His will). The memories are/would be too beautiful I couldn’t imagine starting with someone else. After all, I don’t know who would put up with me as much as Richard had so far! (smile)
2. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience?I truly believe that Jesus is our ultimate husband. I am now a widow and I cannot envision ever getting married again, but I am fine with that. (I don’t know what this posted before I finished.) I was very immature and not prepared for all that marriage was suppose to be. My husband had two small children, who I adopted years later. We had a son a year later, so we started with a family. Thankfully, the Lord had His hand on us from the beginning. I loved the years we had together, and the last twenty were the best of all. Without Jesus, our marriage would not have survived. We found a wonderful Christ centered church, with many young marrieds and I feel like we all matured together. (I am sort of answering question 1 and 2 together here. 🙂 I find great value in single parents and I love the life Missy has chosen. This is truly being married to Christ; He is her husband and she relies on Him. When I see the children that she has mentored and raised, I see a complete and beautiful family. Missy has given her children a beautiful and loving, Christ centered home. She loves and depends on Jesus every moment of the day. I know it is not an easy path for her, but she is making a huge difference in the world for our Savior. I so admire Missy and all she does for Jesus and her family.
The important thing is that whether married or single, we serve Christ first and share our vows with Him.
Love your comments about Missy, Patti. So true.
Love this, Patti-The important thing is that whether married or single, we serve Christ first and share our vows with Him. Missy, this is what you have done!
Laura, Thanks for sharing that story again and jogging my memory! Such a good story.
3. Read Philippians 2:1-11
A. What are some of the ways Christ blessed us with “hesed” love that should overflow to others?
Encouraging, comforting, enjoying each other’s company, being tender and compassionate.
B. Keller feels verses 3-4 are key for a successful marriage — and that if both will not practice them, one might turn the tide. What do these verses say?
Funny, I have these verses highlighted in my Bible!
Be humble, don’t try to impress, think of others first.
C. Keller says valuing others above ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but less about ourselves. What do you think?
Agreed. I also believe that’s the key to our own happiness. When we are not focused on ourselves, we are at peace within ourselves.
Love this Laura: Agreed. I also believe that’s the key to our own happiness. When we are not focused on ourselves, we are at peace within ourselves.
The Kellers believe the key teaching in Scripture in marriage is not on “roles” but on learning to follow Christ’s example, as expressed in Philippians 2. When Steve and I were writing our guide on marriage, he declared, “The overriding theme in Scripture is not ‘who is in charge here?’ but the two shall be one, and that only happens through the mutual serving of the other. This is the passage Jessamyn and Timothy have chosen for me to read at their wedding in two weeks.
3. Read Philippians 2:1-11
A. What are some of the ways Christ blessed us with “hesed” love that should overflow to others?
Christ gave His life that we may have eternal life. Christ’s overwhelming steadfast love and loving kindness shows us love, mercy, grace, kindness, goodness, benevolence. He is always acting on our behalf, even when His surgeon’s hand are working to draw us closer to Him. He allows pain, in order to create a more loving, generous and sharing heart in each of us, so that our hesed love becomes love for the benefit of another, rather than a self serving love. Hesed love does not hold an expectation to be reciprocated. Your behavior to another is not about you, it is about “non-self sacrifice”. It is about a deepening commitment to Christ.
B. Keller feels verses 3-4 are key for a successful marriage — and that if both will not practice them, one might turn the tide. What do these verses say?
We need to humble ourselves, not be prideful or selfish, but put the needs of our spouse above our own needs. Don’t look out for your own needs, but the needs of others. If both serve Christ first, both are more able to serve each other better. It is so human to be selfish, and even to manipulate your actions to look otherwise.
C. Keller says valuing others above ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but less about ourselves. What do you think?
I think this is one of the BEST ever Keller quotes. We need to quit thinking of our needs, what we want and how to accomplish that. We all need to have a servant’s heart. This is something I pray to do constantly.
D. What I found golden in this part is that serving begets love. He tells of a difficult couple in his Pennsylvania church whom he served often and came to love. On his day off, he suggested that Kathy and he get together with them. She was shocked, but he had truly come to love them and wanted to be with them. Have you experienced serving begetting love? If so, share.
I think that there are people who are difficult, but they may be open to those who love them as they are. I could see Tim Keller just loving them to Jesus. The love of Jesus can change hearts. A younger couple that I met told me they were atheists. They are lovely and do a lot for other people. I like talking with them because I see Jesus in their behavior, but I do not hear it in their words. I think it has to do with them not wanting to change their lifestyle. The husband made a comment that he did not want some invisible person telling him what to do.
I appreciate the honesty of your friend, for that is the key reason people resist — to be the master of their fates.
Patti, I was just reading a comment from a person online regarding his decision whether to send his child to an after school Good News Club. He stated that he was an atheist due to trauma from the zealotry he grew up in and would be okay if his child was religious as long as it didn’t become what he experienced. I wonder if a lot of people who consider themselves atheist have been deeply hurt in the church or by those who claimed “religion”. Maybe this is the case with this man you know.
I say this because, as we look for ways to share the gospel, our hearts need to break for those who are difficult or not open to hearing. Interesting that you are drawn to this couple by their kind behavior. Maybe they treat people the way they wish to be treated?
Patti, I too have experienced a colleague who is atheist but finds it important to give to others freely. It has confounded me. I have often wondered about it because she seems to be living a Christ life in one way, but then won’t be in heaven because she doesn’t believe in God. It’s confusing to me. She is part of a group that helps the less fortunate in her community. She is getting the “love others” part of our faith! She is a biology teacher. I suspect she is engrained in evolution science and can’t fathom our amazing Creator.
Thank you all for your comments. I agree that perhaps they have been deeply hurt. I just pray that the Lord will keep me in the friendship, as I love them both. And they always seem to want to bring up Jesus. They are my daughter’s friends and I know the Lord loves them and I pray that He will keep my heart tender and sensitive to them. It has been interesting and helpful to listen to the 6 Tim Keller videos on marriage, that Dee suggested. I have listened to many of Tim Keller’s other you tube sermons on marriage and singleness. All are so helpful.
Where did you find the videos? Are they on the Gospel in Life website?
Monday: Christianity and Singleness
2. What thoughts do you have on the above? On the value of singleness either from scripture or experience?
There are so many good thoughts associated with the stories and comments that were shared here in this section on the value of singleness.
A beautiful picture of Missy and her daughter. Knowing how hard it has been for her to stay the course without a husband and managing kids who have been very difficult for her this post from FB is especially beautiful from her daughter.
I was impressed Dee with your testimony of your husband’s instructions as to why you should stay single. He was so wise on your behalf.
I personally love it that the “leading theologian”
of Christianity(I had never heard him called that) 😊the apostle Paul and even more significantly our Lord and Savior Jesus were never married. Those are strong affirmations of singleness in themselves. Christianity affirms both marriage and singleness which shows the balance God brings in that one is not more valuable than the other.
I love the reference to apostle Paul and our Lord and Savior Jesus. God has very special plans for each of our lives. Some paths are more difficult than others, but those that love and draw others to Jesus are changing lives. How I pray to know His plan. I know the Shepherd, even though I cannot see the path.
Tuesday: Serving Begets Love
The Kellers believe the key teaching in Scripture in marriage is not on “roles” but on learning to follow Christ’s example, as expressed in Philippians 2. When Steve and I were writing our guide on marriage, he declared, “The overriding theme in Scripture is not ‘who is in charge here?’ but the two shall be one, and that only happens through the mutual serving of the other. This is the passage Jessamyn and Timothy have chosen for me to read at their wedding in two weeks.
3. Read Philippians 2:1-11
A. What are some of the ways Christ blessed us with “hesed” love that should overflow to others?
—A spirit of humility.
—Being a servant to others
—Concern for others
—Obedience
—Self sacrifice / dying on the Cross
B. Keller feels verses 3-4 are key for a successful marriage — and that if both will not practice them, one might turn the tide. What do these verses say?
—
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Philippians 2:3-4 ESV
—they speak to not having to be first in the relationship but humbly giving the other priority and to be caring enough to take interest in their well being and their needs.
C. Keller says valuing others above ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but less about ourselves. What do you think?
—That is a good way to put it. Frankly most of the time in life if we get out of the way and do not focus on ourselves but on others our relationships with them can grow and get better.
D. What I found golden in this part is that serving begets love. He tells of a difficult couple in his Pennsylvania church whom he served often and came to love. On his day off, he suggested that Kathy and he get together with them. She was shocked, but he had truly come to love them and wanted to be with them. Have you experienced serving begetting love? If so, share.
—There have been several occasions where I had regular interactions with some difficult people that as I gave them time and showed interest I grew to have an affection for them. Only God could do that in my heart.
5. Keller provides statistics showing that two-thirds of couples who were close to divorce but instead stayed the course were glad they had not divorced five years later. Is that part of your personal experience?
We are committed but I wouldn’t say happy. It is a daily struggle for us. We still believe in marriage though.
How would this cause you to counsel couples in unhappy marriages?
If they are Christian, they made a covenant with God, not just their spouse. I would point that out.
6. If you are married, what were some of the ways God matured you in your early years through pain? And how did that maturity lead to a better marriage?
We have had the flip side of this, happier early on. Our “bumpiness” is now. It’s not a pleasant time. I’m sad inside because of our situation, and my husband doesn’t understand or for that matter, even know! He can be harsh. There really is no time for us with the grands around. Although our kids are not the best, I forgive them. He chooses not to forgive so he is always miserable. I often wonder if we were not supposed to be married, so this is what we get. I wasn’t a practicing Christian when we married. Neither was he. Since we didn’t have a God relationship, did we pick the right spouse? Is that why things are hard? Not sure I can contribute much here.
Laura, my heart goes out to you. I’ve learned that the hard times make it easy to avoid working on a marriage, but that’s not good. Sometimes when you are in so much hard stuff, working on the marriage seems like just adding another hard thing. Praying for you and your family. Praying the Lord brings you back to happy times with your husband. I get questioning whether you were supposed to marry ( I definitely had some moments like this.) Trust in God’s sovereignty. His word is true and we can trust his plan.
Laura, When things get rough in our lives and marriages it becomes easy to second guess past decisions but I think that is an unhealthy path to go down. I agree with Chris as she said “Trust in God’s sovereignty.” God is allowing this hard time. We are told clearly in scripture by Jesus that we will have trouble in this world but to be of good cheer because He has overcome the world. Given time He will overcome for you in your hard situation. I want to say sadness is not a sin and we will have times of sadness but also that happiness is still a choice and we can make moves toward it in our lives even when they are hard. Pray often for your husband and God will hear and answer your prayers for him. I truly believe over time you will both be refined by the fire of this trial and be surprised what God does by hand upon your lives. We pray for your encouragement.
Oh, Laura! I am so sorry for the bumpiness. I will pray for you. I agree with Chris and Bev. Trust in His Sovereignty. It can be so hard. When you are in the middle of it, it is hard to see what God could possibly have planned. I pray that God will give you both some hopeful light.
Amen to my sisters, Laura. Father, please give Laura and her husband hope, a likemindedness in You, and protect them from the lies of the enemy.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your words right now. I need to read this book or watch the videos. I’m having trouble finding them online though. There’s a study guide on our online library, but no book. I’m going to look at the Gospel in Life website.
Wednesday: The Bumpy Road to Marital Joy
4. I know many of you have had challenging marriages but have matured and are experiencing joy. I’d love to hear your stories: We have been married for 35 years. At the start of our marriage we dealt with a lot of learning how to relate to one another in ways that were healthy and not repeating our parents flaws. The pain in my husband’s life in particular, growing up, has been challenging. Praise God we are both believers and committed during our engagement to never divorce, as we saw the heartache that caused for our parents and siblings. Definitely, a bumpy road to the place we are now in. As you all know, we are still working towards that joy, and are closer than ever.
5. Keller provides statistics showing that two-thirds of couples who were close to divorce but instead stayed the course were glad they had not divorced five years later. Is that part of your personal experience? How would this cause you to counsel couples in unhappy marriages? I have just recently shared my view on this. I agree 100% with Keller.
6. If you are married, what were some of the ways God matured you in your early years through pain? And how did that maturity lead to a better marriage? Difficulty in relationship always pushed me deeper into God’s word, which always caused me to consider a more humble approach to relationship. We experienced the loss of a child as well, which brought both of us closer to the Lord and each other. Health concerns, family struggles & losses, all contributed to spiritual growth.
7. The Kellers tell a story of conflict when Tim began at Redeemer. He had asked Kathy for a two-year grace period, during which he wouldn’t be around much because of the energy of beginning a church, but then he would cut back. But he kept putting off cutting back. One day, he came home to hear the sound of shattering china. She was calmly sitting at a table with a hammer breaking saucers of their wedding china. He thought she had lost it and sat down and said, “I’m listening.” She finally had gotten his attention. Later he said, “But our wedding china?” She explained those two saucers no longer had cups, so she was glad she didn’t have to break a third saucer. If you are married, did you have a turning point like this in your marriage? For sure, but not nearly as elegant as the Kellers. I won’t share details but there was a point when I was fed up with my husband’s choices and let him know this, and the result was his his behavior didn’t change overnight, but something changed in me that day. I decided not to fight for his change like I had been, but to resign myself to prayer. Our battle is not against flesh and blood, as the scriptures say (though sometimes its hard to keep that in mind!) The Lord has brought about many health concerns for my husband which seem to have more effect on his heart than any of my efforts. I’ve learned that accepting the Lord’s plan in life is key to survival. The more we fight, the worse off we are. Submitting to his plan, not giving up, but looking for his plan and direction in the circumstances of life, will move us forward in healing and spiritual growth.
You are your husband broke the chain in Christ!
Thank you Chris. I began to pray this morning for my husband and myself.
❤️
Tuesday: Serving Begets Love
The Kellers believe the key teaching in Scripture in marriage is not on “roles” but on learning to follow Christ’s example, as expressed in Philippians 2. When Steve and I were writing our guide on marriage, he declared, “The overriding theme in Scripture is not ‘who is in charge here?’ but the two shall be one, and that only happens through the mutual serving of the other. This is the passage Jessamyn and Timothy have chosen for me to read at their wedding in two weeks.
3. Read Philippians 2:1-11
A. What are some of the ways Christ blessed us with “hesed” love that should overflow to others? – He encourages us, he loves us unconditionally. He has sympathy and understands our pain. He counted us more significant than himself and came to earth to die for us. All these things we should be keeping close to our hearts and pass along to others we meet.
B. Keller feels verses 3-4 are key for a successful marriage — and that if both will not practice them, one might turn the tide. What do these verses say? – We need to do for others without looking for anything in return. We need to do things because we just want to help and please others and most importantly portray the image of God.
C. Keller says valuing others above ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but less about ourselves. What do you think? – When I first saw this saying, I was like Ahh, this is so good. When we value others above ourselves, we are honoring God’s creation. He created us all to be like him, and to love our neighbors. We can only do that by lifting them up before ourselves.
D. What I found golden in this part is that serving begets love. He tells of a difficult couple in his Pennsylvania church whom he served often and came to love. On his day off, he suggested that Kathy and he get together with them. She was shocked, but he had truly come to love them and wanted to be with them. Have you experienced serving begetting love? If so, share. – Our lady’s bible study is going through the back end of Exodus, and we just spent the last two weeks on the ten commandments. We got into some great discussions on them and we agreed that there are some people we just can’t ‘love’ but God instructs us to do otherwise. I mentioned a time my very good friend was very upset to the point of needing counsel. Her counselor said to pray for that person, and she was like what, why? The response was when we are praying for those we struggle with, we will not be able to be angry or upset with them. This has been a great help to me and have prayed for those who I struggle with. It has helped a great deal and God changes my attitude toward them.
So true, Julie. We need to pray. Sometimes taking that step is tough and looks like, “Lord, I can’t pray right now but seek your help to pray.”
I just want to say how grateful I am to be included in this diverse group of ladies, some with beautiful long marriages, some with hard things in marriage, some divorced, some widowed, and even a lifetime single woman like me! That is a a testimony of how God knits hearts together in HIM! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this wonderful group of women who each add so much to our group in their special uniqueness.
I’ve always wanted to be married, and even still do, though I realize my chances now are much slimmer than they ever were. And God has given me contentedness in my singleness. One way to content is to keep me ever so very busy raising kids that I don’t have time to be unhappy. I must admit, though, my last adoption four years ago of a very troubled teen boy from some horrific trauma, has taken a toll on me at my age. I admit that I have been grumbling a bit (sometimes a lot) and dreaming of an easier life where I had a life’s companion to walk with down this hard path, someone to listen and advise and support me emotionally and financially.
I was recently intrigued by the phrase “joy in His presence” while reading the psalms. I asked Him specifically to give me joy in His presence alone, a joy not dependent on circumstances, but on HIM. I knew that the joy I was seeking from Him was not His fault when I did not perceive it.
Yesterday, I had to take a long drive for my job. As I drove, I found myself singing various hymns and choruses, including, “Christ is all I need.” I so much wanted the words to be true for me, an older weak single mom with a stressful job and troubled children from trauma. The second verse of that old chorus goes like this: “For me He died, was crucified, on Calvary. Why He loved me so, I can never know, Christ is all I need!” Without warning, I was ushered into the joy of my Lord in His presence as I saw Him hanging for me on that tree and paying the enormous debt of my sin. What joy filled my heart as I reveled in the words over and over, “Why He loved me so, I can never know.” The thrill of His unconditional love for me, a life-long single woman who often feels very unloved, was just overwhelming. When I got to my destination, I feared they would notice my tear-stained cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. Oh, what joy in His presence He so lovingly gave me. I just wanted to share this with you all!
Dear Missy, Oh how I love that He gave you this chorus! Thank you Lord! Such love He has for us. Oh, I love love this! You bless my life in so many ways; the example of the woman you are speaks more than words. May His blessings and love overflow in your life!
What a sweet testimony, Missy! He is all we need! Those times are so awesome when we get a glimpse of His hesed love for us. You are a bright light to many of us. Thank you for sharing.
And I love that you are part of this blog! Even though you are so busy, I love that you keep in touch when you can! You are an inspiration and a blessing in my life!!
Yes Thank you Missy for weighing in and sharing that tremendous blessing the Lord gave you in filling your heart with joy on your drive. Praying he gives you more times of that over whelming love resulting in true joy. We serve a gracious God! It is always sweet to have your input when you have a minute.
This is beautiful, Missy. I was reading yesterday, in Keller’s book, The Meaning of Marriage. On page 74, he talks about growing in the fear of the Lord. He describes how knowing the Lord like a best friend can be. It’s quite a description. Then he quotes William Blake’s, “Song of Experience”, and I believe you could have penned these words, “Love seeketh not itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care, But for another gives its ease, And builds a heaven in hell’s despair.” What you have sacrificed for your children is incredible and you have shown them a bit of heaven in their hell on earth. What a blessing the Lord has given you a bit of joy in your drive to work. It gives me tears to think of such a beautiful moment. The Lord bless you as you continue to pour into your kids.
Oh Missy — you inspire us. How I see His love in you.
Love this whole post Missy. How hopeful and encouraging this is to me.
Wednesday: The Bumpy Road to Marital Joy
4. I know many of you have had challenging marriages but have matured and are experiencing joy. I’d love to hear your stories: – the hurt, pain and struggle of not just me but two young boys were so hard to watch as our family dissolved. It doesn’t go away easily or in an instant. It lingers on into adulthood, at least for my boys it did. My boys have in the back of their heads that they are like their father, and that is so hard for me to help them through that. My youngest doesn’t even want any baby pictures of himself, because it reminds him of his dad, (he favors him in looks). I have gotten past the pain and have found joy in the gift of Joe that God brought to me, but for my boys the pain still lingers.
5. Keller provides statistics showing that two-thirds of couples who were close to divorce but instead stayed the course were glad they had not divorced five years later. Is that part of your personal experience? How would this cause you to counsel couples in unhappy marriages? – It was not part of my personal experience. I was at the point I couldn’t get myself to trust him for the deceit and hurt he caused our family. What I would say to others is to make sure you have exhausted all counseling and help they can get and prayerfully consider what the outcome for everyone involved will be.
6. If you are married, what were some of the ways God matured you in your early years through pain? And how did that maturity lead to a better marriage? – God made me realize who He was in my life in a much stronger way. He was my provider, so my anxious neediness was pushed aside. I knew how to handle struggles that came along in a Godlier way. I am now able to see the good in situations that others see the bad.
7. The Kellers tell a story of conflict when Tim began at Redeemer. He had asked Kathy for a two-year grace period, during which he wouldn’t be around much because of the energy of beginning a church, but then he would cut back. But he kept putting off cutting back. One day, he came home to hear the sound of shattering china. She was calmly sitting at a table with a hammer breaking saucers of their wedding china. He thought she had lost it and sat down and said, “I’m listening.” She finally had gotten his attention. Later he said, “But our wedding china?” She explained those two saucers no longer had cups, so she was glad she didn’t have to break a third saucer. If you are married, did you have a turning point like this in your marriage? – For me and Joe, it’s taking a bit for us to see the other as who we are, and not who we want each other to be. I struggle with letting him take care of me because I was so independent for many years and had to do things for myself. Our marriage is growing, and we are both determined to keep it centered around Christ to make it even stronger.
Tuesday: Serving Begets Love
The Kellers believe the key teaching in Scripture in marriage is not on “roles” but on learning to follow Christ’s example, as expressed in Philippians 2. When Steve and I were writing our guide on marriage, he declared, “The overriding theme in Scripture is not ‘who is in charge here?’ but the two shall be one, and that only happens through the mutual serving of the other. This is the passage Jessamyn and Timothy have chosen for me to read at their wedding in two weeks.
3. Read Philippians 2:1-11
A. What are some of the ways Christ blessed us with “hesed” love that should overflow to others?
B. Keller feels verses 3-4 are key for a successful marriage — and that if both will not practice them, one might turn the tide. What do these verses say?
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of the others.
C. Keller says valuing others above ourselves does not mean we think less of ourselves but less about ourselves. What do you think?
Such a good play on words! We are all created in God’s image, and we are loved by Him just the way we are. We shouldn’t think less of ourselves or others. Hesed love is not about thinking about ourselves but of the other person. How can we serve the other person? Oh, so hard with some people! But I digress. I find this true in my relationship with Richard. I find that when I humble myself and think of him more than myself, I gain the joy of seeing him happy. And that joy stays even if the serving is not necessarily reciprocated at that very moment.
D. What I found golden in this part is that serving begets love. He tells of a difficult couple in his Pennsylvania church whom he served often and came to love. On his day off, he suggested that Kathy and he get together with them. She was shocked, but he had truly come to love them and wanted to be with them. Have you experienced serving begetting love? If so, share.
I find this so true working as a nurse, especially in the nursing home. I have met some seemingly incorrigible patients but have come to love them as I serve them. Most of them became my favorites and their passing was always heartbreaking.
I need to do this more with others especially those within the body of Christ.
Right now, there is a Christian lady my husband and I associate with and whom I tend to “walk around as if on eggshells”. My husband has similar feelings. My husband and I are concerned about her mental status and have been praying for an opportunity to talk with her to discern what her felt needs are. I would be honest to say that I am anxious about it as she has not taken things well in the past. Oh, Lord! Have mercy on me and give me a hesed love for this person. And what do you know? I just received a text from her as I was typing my comments here. She is an enigma to us. So I am stopping and praying for her right now.
4. I know many of you have had challenging marriages but have matured and are experiencing joy. I’d love to hear your stories:
My daughter and I had dinner with a dear friend of hers last night. We were talking about Darcy’s childhood and how we bonded so soon after we met, that she was not aware she had another mother until we had a crisis with the mother, two years after moving to Seattle. That was my “soap opera” when I first met Dee! It was good to talk about it and remember how God took what was an impossible situation and He made something wonderful. It did not happen overnight, but looking back we both see how amazing God is, when He was doing BIG surgery and healing and more. It increases my faith at this extremely hard time in my life, when I cannot see where He is leading me. I pray to get through each day and have new courage and less loneliness. I know He has a plan.
5. Keller provides statistics showing that two-thirds of couples who were close to divorce but instead stayed the course were glad they had not divorced five years later. Is that part of your personal experience? How would this cause you to counsel couples in unhappy marriages?
I always believe in staying the course, unless things are so bad that it is wise to get out of the relationship. Relationships are fragile and they change. Yet, God can repair and redeem.
6. If you are married, what were some of the ways God matured you in your early years through pain? And how did that maturity lead to a better marriage?
My husband and I were naive and immature. We came from very different backgrounds, yet both of our families were loving and supportive. Though his parents were not Christians, when we married, his mother read the Bible and I feel she knew the Lord. His dad gave his life to Jesus just a couple of days before he died. We rededicated our lives to Jesus when we had our son baptized in Seattle. The pain we went through with our adopted girls, drew us to Jesus. We became more thoughtful of one another’s feelings and needs. We had more appreciation for one another.
7. The Kellers tell a story of conflict when Tim began at Redeemer. He had asked Kathy for a two-year grace period, during which he wouldn’t be around much because of the energy of beginning a church, but then he would cut back. But he kept putting off cutting back. One day, he came home to hear the sound of shattering china. She was calmly sitting at a table with a hammer breaking saucers of their wedding china. He thought she had lost it and sat down and said, “I’m listening.” She finally had gotten his attention. Later he said, “But our wedding china?” She explained those two saucers no longer had cups, so she was glad she didn’t have to break a third saucer. If you are married, did you have a turning point like this in your marriage?
I love this story. We had a few turning points, none were that dramatic. We become more focused on quality time together. The greatest blessing was spending our last twenty years working together as a team, at the school where my husband taught.
Awe. Patti, I love that you have memories to look back on an be encouraged in your faith. Praying for the Lord to help your loneliness. I’m sure he will use it to guide you to your next steps. Your sweet memories of working as a team with your husband- just beautiful. On our vacation, my husband said he wanted us to work on getting to be best friends again and how we needed to spend time together to make that happen. It was sweet, but I’m curious to see how that will be. Our life at home tends to sweep us away with many duties and responsibilities.
Wednesday: The Bumpy Road to Marital Joy
4. I know many of you have had challenging marriages but have matured and are experiencing joy. I’d love to hear your stories:
—My husband Terry and I are both fairly strong personalities. So clashes have been inevitable at times especially when we were young and more selfish. But Terry has a strong sense of humor. Oftentimes a “wacky” sense of humor and I do think it has served us well over the years. When I met him as a girl I enjoyed that his family liked to laugh. My home was a bit too serious at the time as my Mom was working outside the home and she wasn’t happy and it dampened the whole spirit in our home. Having 4 teenagers at home at the same time couldn’t have helped her either. Lots of stress factors.
But I found it refreshing to be in the Jensen home and sit around their table in a more relaxed atmosphere where they were quick to laugh.
I think it has been a good thing through the years and has served us well in the stresses of life. And with age sharing joy together has grown because of the Lord’s presence with us.
5. Keller provides statistics showing that two-thirds of couples who were close to divorce but instead stayed the course were glad they had not divorced five years later. Is that part of your personal experience? How would this cause you to counsel couples in unhappy marriages?
—Interestingly divorce was really never an option considered by either of us even at the worst of times between us. There have been rare occasions where we didn’t speak to each other for a day or two but I can’t speak to the five years later question. I am glad we had sort of an embedded philosophy that divorce wasn’t an option. All but one of our grand parents and both sets of our parents were married for over 50 years. And we knew and lived among them until their deaths. When we married our parents informed us if we had problems in our marriage not to come running home but to work it out on our own. We both agree we have an amazing heritage because we saw commitment lived out. We don’t take that lightly in today’s world. And we also agree prayer for us and our praying together has been a key to our staying the course.
—Where we have had
input into unhappy marriages We have always upheld God’s mandate against divorce and it only being allowed with the exceptions from scripture. I supported one close friend in her divorce and she had very real grounds. Her life is truly better today being free of a chronically unfaithful man.
On two different occasions we supported separations which led to reconciliation through a professional Christian counselor. A number of years ago I heard a Focus on the Family program on marriages that had reconciled and they were amazing stories of worst case scenarios where God had renewed and saved marriages. It emphasized there is hope for every couple if they turn to Jesus with their marriages.
I try to help people see that in the Lord there is always hope. I am currently the voice in an unhappy young woman’s life concerning her marriage. Lots of prayer.
6. If you are married, what were some of the ways God matured you in your early years through pain? And how did that maturity lead to a better marriage?
—In our thirties and forties we endured the deaths of Terry’s only sister and her husband whom were very close with.
Then Terry lost his job from really unusual circumstances and our future was uncertain.
We hung together and God sustained us in great measure because of our church family and prayer. We would both say it has been the faithfulness of God that carried us and always seemed to bring us closer to Him and each other. And still does.
7. The Kellers tell a story of conflict when Tim began at Redeemer. He had asked Kathy for a two-year grace period, during which he wouldn’t be around much because of the energy of beginning a church, but then he would cut back. But he kept putting off cutting back. One day, he came home to hear the sound of shattering china. She was calmly sitting at a table with a hammer breaking saucers of their wedding china. He thought she had lost it and sat down and said, “I’m listening.” She finally had gotten his attention. Later he said, “But our wedding china?” She explained those two saucers no longer had cups, so she was glad she didn’t have to break a third saucer. If you are married, did you have a turning point like this in your marriage?
—Many Many years ago I read a book by Elisabeth Elliot called “Let Me Be A Woman“. It was notes to her daughter Valerie on marriage and one of the chapters was titled You Marry a Man. It struck me as I just wrote that, back in the 70s the context of that was clearly understood. 🥴
Anyway Elliot’s point was there are very clear differences in the sexes and you learn and find out quickly in marriage that men are not like us and we can’t expect them to be because God made us differently and we have to adjust our thinking about them and we can’t change them. Like most women I falsely thought I could change my husband and he needed to change.
Just coming to understand and even appreciate the differences helped greatly.
So I can’t think of one turning point in time for us but there have been points of time where growth separately from teaching or together at marriage conferences we have gained understanding and practices that certainly enhanced our marriage.
I love your post Bev, and this idea of a great heritage of commitment to marriage is something we pray our family will have one day.
“The faithfulness of God carried us through…”
Thursday: The Gospel and Marriage
The Lord had marriage in mind to reflect the saving work of Christ, the gospel.
8. First, we are so bad it took the crucifixion of our Lord to rescue us. Unless we recognize our own selfishness and continual need for repentance, our marriage will not flourish. How well do you do this in marriage? In friendship? It took me a while to improve in this area. I was brought up in a home where it was taught that people are basically good. We were taught to be moral and treat others well. The flaw was believing we were good, rather than sinful as the Bible teaches. This caused me to struggle with admitting I was wrong and even to see my faults. My identity was caught up in being a good person and I protected that. Even after I became a Christian, I didn’t really learn what it meant to identify with Christ and the freedom we had in that, until later. Now I see my sin and seek the Lord and others for forgiveness as soon as I can.
9. Second, we are so loved, that Christ did humble Himself and come for us. How well do you humble yourself to serve your spouse — or others? I am flawed and can always do better. I admit that while I love to serve, there are areas I struggle. My health sometimes keeps me from doing what I would like to do for others and makes me question whether the Lord is trying to show me something in this area.
10. This is the power of marriage to help one another be all they can be in Christ. How has your spouse helped you to be this? How have you helped him? This is an interesting thought. Definitely, we have each at times held the other accountable spiritually. We also try to support one another day to day in ways of manual chores or attending to household/farming related tasks. I would say that supporting one another all around lends to our relationship, so that we can speak into one another when needed. My husband has trouble being vulnerable and trusting me (due to his past traumas), so that makes it tough as he won’t open up easily to be held accountable. Only recently, have we been able to spend time reading and praying together. This has made a huge difference in our relationship.
Interesting about how the theology that we are basically good hurt you. Thanks for sharing.
Thursday: The Gospel and Marriage
The Lord had marriage in mind to reflect the saving work of Christ, the gospel.
8. First, we are so bad it took the crucifixion of our Lord to rescue us. Unless we recognize our own selfishness and continual need for repentance, our marriage will not flourish. How well do you do this in marriage? In friendship?
—I have come to realize that every single morning when I get out of bed I need to come to Jesus and his Word because I need to reset my heart and mind onto Jesus. As I sleep it is as if I default quickly back to old habits and thought patterns onto self. I need the Word and prayer to refresh my heart and mind to the amazing gospel which directly affects my relationships. I just don’t love my husband or anyone else well without drawing on God’s love for me as his child.
9. Second, we are so loved, that Christ did humble Himself and come for us. How well do you humble yourself to serve your spouse — or others?
—It has been a long slow process. But as I have learned and try to consciously set aside my own heart’s demands and choose to serve and love my husband better our relationship has grown closer. And it primarily happens in the very small things I do for him. My husband is not a cook and I am. He always thanks me for his meals. I realize he feels cared for by it. There are a myriad of other basic small things I do as a homemaker that he appreciates. But a key to doing them hinges on my attitude. When they are done with a heart of love they are well received. Any time I act put upon it causes a tension. I don’t naturally have a servants heart and over the years Jesus graciously showed me my need to learn from him and practice it.
10. This is the power of marriage to help one another be all they can be in Christ. How has your spouse helped you to be this? How have you helped him?
—He has always been supportive of my involvement with Women’s ministry, weekly bible studies and retreats. He saw my need to be with my sisters in Christ and allowed me that time which have been vital to my growth and walk with Jesus.
I think my most valuable help for him has been prayer. Sometimes that prayer was out of frustration with him but at least I went to the right source to complain. 🙃🙂
8. First, we are so bad it took the crucifixion of our Lord to rescue us. Unless we recognize our own selfishness and continual need for repentance, our marriage will not flourish. How well do you do this in marriage? In friendship?
I open my big, fat, mouth daily and get myself in trouble! I definitely need to repent often.
9. Second, we are so loved, that Christ did humble Himself and come for us. How well do you humble yourself to serve your spouse — or others?
I do this better, I try to think of others first. I am not as good with my husband.
10. This is the power of marriage to help one another be all they can be in Christ. How has your spouse helped you to be this? How have you helped him?
My husband has never complained when I dance for church, sing in our worship team, etc. if I want to attend a retreat he is okay with the time and money it takes to attend.
My husband has given his time over the last few years to teach the kids in our Awana program each week. If he is sick, I will sub for him. Sometimes I have just told him to stay home and take a break too.
Those are good things about your husband!
Your husband has some great qualities. I love how Keller states that sooner or later, our spouse sees the real me. I do think it is a constantly changing perspective. We seem to be hardest on those close to us. I know my husband would “roll his eyes” when I was trying to feed him something healthy, even as his health deteriorated. I wanted to keep him as long as I could. He would finally respond sweetly, because he knew my heart was in the right place. 🙂
Awe, Patti. I have nursed my husband when very ill just the same. So hard.
Thursday: The Gospel and Marriage
The Lord had marriage in mind to reflect the saving work of Christ, the gospel.
8. First, we are so bad it took the crucifixion of our Lord to rescue us. Unless we recognize our own selfishness and continual need for repentance, our marriage will not flourish. How well do you do this in marriage? In friendship? – Doing this week’s study has opened my eyes to see a new version of my selfishness. My wanting to be independent, to do things on my own because I know I can, is my form of selfishness. It’s hard for me to accept help when I know I’m capable of doing it. My advice to others needs to be heard by me, ‘don’t block their blessing’. I’m a little better when it comes to friendships, but marriage is another thing. I think I feel like it shows as a weakness.
9. Second, we are so loved, that Christ did humble Himself and come for us. How well do you humble yourself to serve your spouse — or others? – I can humble myself to help others including my spouse. This is easier for me to do, because I feel serving is my gift.
10. This is the power of marriage to help one another be all they can be in Christ. How has your spouse helped you to be this? How have you helped him? – I encourage Joe when he doubts himself. Reminding him he can do it and it will be ok. I do hold him accountable in how he refers to people which isn’t always nice. It makes him think about how he’s acting, and he realizes it’s not godly. He lifts me up all the time and encourages me and compliments me.
I love how you encourage Joe when he doubts himself, Julie. Love that he lifts you up always. 🙂
Friday: Roles in Marriage — Times when a Tie-Breaker is Needed
Luci Shaw said, “Harold is the head of our home, and I submit to him. But it has only come up twice in thirty years of marriage.” That’s a healthy marriage. Kathy Keller wrote one chapter in this book, and it was on this subject. She says most decisions can be agreed upon together, but there are times when a tie-breaker is needed. She did not want to move to New York City, fearing the impact on their three young sons. He felt led to take the call but was going to submit to her. She said, “Oh no — don’t put that on me. Be the man, seek the Lord, and make the decision.” He did, and they moved to New York.
11. What has been your experience with this in marriage? What have you learned?
The time this came up in our marriage was when we made the decision to adopt our son. We considered all the pros/cons and agreed it would be tough and not what the world would say makes sense, but was the right thing to do. The stickler was that our marriage at the time was in rough shape. My husband questioned my motive for adopting and whether it was the best for our son or for us. I admit it was a concern, but I could see no other good option for this little boy and believed the Lord used broken people like us for good. After all, whose home is perfect ? It definitely came down to a conversation where I said the same as Kathy to my husband, and in the end he agreed to move forward with adoption. It’s beautiful to see the growth in our son as well as our marriage. God has been faithful to us as we seek to follow Him.
Great adoption marriage story!
Can you tell me where to find the Keller videos on the meaning of marriage? I’m reading the book, but want to see the videos, too.
I found them on the Gospel in Life website.
Thanks, Laura. That’s probably easiest — but I think they are also on you-tube — here is the first:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoxYPXqqO34
Thank you!
What a sweet story, Chris. I love this: I admit it was a concern, but I could see no other good option for this little boy and believed the Lord used broken people like us for good. This is so true!
11. What has been your experience with this in marriage? What have you learned?
My husband always asked my opinion when it came to his changing jobs or career paths. I would always tell him that whatever he thought was best I agreed with and would do what was needed to support him. On the big decisions, I leaned to him. We both believe the worst decision we made as a married couple was moving from Texas to New England. It ruined our children. At the time, we wanted to get them closer to his family, so they could know them better. We did succeed at that and there are strong relationships there. I struggle with the smaller decisions, and feel like my voice should be heard there. I’m not so good at submitting with these.
I find our biggest disagreements are on the small things and that it is usually a difference in perspective. Since I realized this, I try to be more quiet and think about his perspective before commenting -I’m not always as quiet as I would like to be.
Have you heard of this? The whole world is involved! So cool!
http://www.gather25.com
Yes, Laura! I have heard of it! I think it is great!
That is so exciting! Thank you for sharing, Laura.
I watched a short bit today. Very cool.
Thanks for alerting us, Laura!
Saturday:
12. What is your takeaway from this week and why?
Keller wrote The Meaning of Marriage to help us see that marriage is a picture of the gospel. He points out that singleness can be as well, and sometimes allows more focus on ministry. We are to put others needs ahead of our own as Christians. God uses pain to mature us. The power of marriage is we can help build one another to be all they can be in Christ. Serving one another will lead to love. More and more I see that selfishness is the root of problems in relationships. It’s a never ending battle to keep it at bay. Putting others needs ahead of our own is key. Seeking the Lord and honoring him first can bring us to this. When Joseph was tempted to sin, he said, “How could I do that to my God?” The Lord paid so much for our salvation…how can we go on sinning? May I be more aware of His love for me, that I can love others more.
Chris, I love what you said here: When Joseph was tempted to sin, he said, “How could I do that to my God?” The Lord paid so much for our salvation…how can we go on sinning? May I be more aware of His love for me, that I can love others more.
When I think of God’s hesed love for me, I should be able to stop sinning willfully against His commands to love others as He has loved me. loving others unconditionally sounds like a tall order but He has promised everything we need to follow Him. “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3
I love that promise, Bing.
Love that illustration with Joseph.
My takeaway:
I have been trying to stabilize my BP for the last few weeks and had to take a break from coming in here consistently. My doctor has been a blessing.
I believe my word for our marriage is “together”. As a couple in the ministry, we have encountered pain in relationships, church breakups, health challenges, a prodigal daughter, and complicated extended family dynamics. Dealing with these things together and helping each other sort through our feelings while seeking God has matured both of us in our spiritual walk.
I love what Kathy Keller said in one of the YouTube videos that in marriage we get to be Jesus to one another. What a beautiful thought! If each spouse acts, talks, sees, touches, and feels like Jesus, what wonderful marriages we would have. Of course, we are not perfect but we have a perfect One to emulate in our marriage and relationships with others.
12. What is your takeaway from this week and why?
I shared Kathy Kelley’s trailer with my husband and he agreed to listen with me. I am hoping we follow through. We have listened to the second one (whoops) a little more than halfway. We are learning together. I think a big theme for us is the idea of heard love. Doing for each other just because.
Lord, may this continue!
I’m so happy to hear your husband is willing to listen to the videos. That’s huge. Praying the Holy Spirit continues to draw you close to one another. In a recent marriage study with Tony Evans , we learned that the enemy, of course, wants to separate us, but when we are unified we can do great things together for the kingdom. Just remembering that our battle is not against flesh and blood can be so helpful. Also, I believe it may be beneficial, Laura, for you and your husband to fast and pray about your situation with the grands. Maybe you are already, but it just came to mind now that Tony Evans shared a time when they had a difficult situation with their son and they decided to fast and pray every Wednesday until they saw a change.