This has been such a personal study. As our Dawn said, “We really get to know one another through our laments.”
I also was so delighted when a personal friend from over forty years ago joined this study. I met Becky Harvey (now Crabtree) when we were young mothers. She was invited to the Bible study I was facilitating that turned out to be so anointed by God, as one young mother after another was surrendering to Christ. Becky listened to their testimonies. Though she had trusted Christ as a girl in Catholicism, when she was driving home after study one day, considering how these women were surrendering to Christ as adults, she sensed Jesus in the passenger seat saying, “Will you?”
Becky had no idea of the hard road ahead of her, as none of us do. She didn’t know she would lose her husband Ken when he was 52 through heart failure, then her son Brian at the age of 27 through suicide, and then her son Jed, again at the young age of 27, through a motorcycle accident. Grief upon grief. All His waves and breakers repeatedly knocking her down. (Psalm 42) Most would be bitter. But not Becky. She has become a GREAT HEART. Hearing her story helped me see how deep Becky’s roots have gone down, how God met her, and how her friends played a part by mourning with her, helping to shoulder her heavy load of grief.
In this week’s chapter from Dark Clouds Deep Mercy, Pastor Mark reflects on how the suffering of Jesus can help us not to get bitter. He quotes from another wonderful lament book: Lament for a Son.
Becky’s roots were deep into Christ when the tragedies began. It certainly helps when that is the case, for hurricane winds can pull up shallow roots. She tells what happened when Brian died:
At hearing of the death of Brian, the verse from Handel’s Messiah “SURELY, SURELY, HE HAS BORNE OUR GRIEFS AND CARRIED OUR SORROWS…” screamed in my head over and over which sounded like all the choirs and orchestras in the world put together. It was so loud, along with my moans, it brought up from the depths of my being deeper grief than I ever thought possible. Yet I knew as I cried that I was not even feeling a breath of what the Son of God felt on the cross.
Becky also shared — and I think this is vital, how the words of Ravi Zacharias guided her through the icy rivers of grief: “Worship brings coalescence of essence.” She writes: “When I felt shattered into a million pieces, it was worshipping God that put me back together.” This is what David did after the loss of his son, and what we absolutely must do to survive.
Becky also kept a journal, and God came to her in so many ways. The verse from Psalm 42 about waves and breakers is both negative (in that wave upon wave knocks us down) but also positive, for it is followed by this verse:
By day the Lord directs his love
By night his song is with me
(Psalm 42:8)
Our own Lizzy, whom I have discovered is a most thoughtful gift-giver, made me this for my birthday one year, summing up the negative and positive meaning of Psalm 42:7-8:
One great blessing was God’s answer to Becky’s prayer when she told Him: I am lonely. If you think I was a good wife to Ken and there is another lonely person out there who would be blessed to have me as his wife, would you bring him to me? At that time Jerry Crabtree cried out on his knees in the woods for a wife after he had been widowed. Here is Becky and Jerry at the Gulf.
My highlight this week is from the whole study. I didn’t actually think so many would stay with me so actively, but you did. I know we all grew to appreciate and apply the lament to our walk with God in this fallen world. You are a wonderful group, and I hope to see you in our next study along with some who once were with us, but have not been for a while. I pray God will lead each of you to know if you should join us or not.
I also want to give a great thanks to those who have supported this ministry in prayer and financially. I am so appreciative. Prayer is so crucial — for wisdom, for protection, for the women here. I also haven’t wanted to charge, for I have many in need participating, including those who are out of prison. Yet, there are significant expenses. If you want to help financially, here are three ways: https://deebrestin.com/donate/ Please know how thankful I am, yet I never ever want anyone to feel pressured to give. I don’t mind pressuring you to pray! He is our Counselor, our Provider, our Wisdom and without Him this is all for naught.
Next Study:
I am testing a study I have been writing that I hope to have published or may self-publish (prayer please!) and therefore I am password protecting it. If you have been regular here presently or in the past (either actively or silently, but regular) and feel led to participate, e-mail me at comments@deebrestin.com and put PASSWORD in your subject line. I will e-mail you the password from comments@deebrestin.com — so if that is not in your contacts, check your junk mail. We will begin next week. You will get an e-mail in your inbox or go to my homepage, click on the SHALLOWS box at the top (starting next Sunday), then put in the password where requested. It is a deeper dive into idolatry and I’m excited about what I’ve learned. The title of the study is:
Out of the
SHALLOWS
and into the Presence of God
There is something about suffering that tends to cause you to seek God more, and many are doing so during the pandemic.
This week Tim Keller wrote that his ongoing cancer battle has driven him and his wife, Kathy, “to seek God’s face as we never [have] before.”
“He is giving us more of his sensed presence, more freedom from our besetting sins, more dependence on his Word — things that we had sought for years, but only under these circumstances are we finding them.” He also shared the good news that his oncologist is greatly encouraged by the scans showing improvement after six chemo treatments. Keller credits prayers and asks us to continue.
Please let me know in the next few days if you want to commit to the study and I’ll send you the password.
Sunday:
- What stands out to you from the above and why?
- What things do you think help people not to get bitter? What has helped you?
Monday: Why Lament?
3. Read up to “Reading Scripture” in Chapter 10 and share a few reasons why we should lament.
4. Read “Reading Scripture” and share one thing that stands out to you.
5. Find a lament that we have not covered in Scripture and share why it is meaningful to you.
Tuesday: How To Lament with Friends
Becky was also blessed with friends who knew how to lament with her. Pastor Mark quotes the author of Lament for a Son who says, “Come sit beside me on my mourning bench.”
6. Read the section called “Grieving” and share what stands out to you.
7. Describe a healing way to respond to a grieving friend. Be specific as to what you would do.
8. Share how wise friends helped you in grief. Be specific.
I absolutely loved the section in this book when Mark told of the pastor who lamented with a man who had same-sex attraction. That is something I will not forget from Dark Clouds Deep Mercy. No pat answers, no rebuke, just a lament.
9. Read the section “Counseling” and share what stands out to you.
Wednesday: I Was a Brute Beast Before You/Ps. 73
Pastor Mark dips into the purpose of the imprecatory psalms in this section.
9. Read the section “Overcoming Bitterness” and share what stands out to you.
While it is true we are to forgive our enemies, there is nothing wrong about lamenting about their injustice and asking God to deal with them according to His character. In Crosswalk, the writer wrote: “Consider Peter’s citation of the imprecatory section in Psalms 69 and 109 in reference to Judas Iscariot: “For it is written in the book of Psalms, ‘Let his homestead be made desolate, and let no man dwell in it’; and, ‘His office let another man take'” (Acts 1:20). Peter is here citing an invocation of judgment and a curse against the one who betrayed God’s Messiah.
Several times in my life, when someone was acting godlessly and hurting others, I have lamented and then prayed: “Please either change his heart or take him out.” By “take him out” I didn’t necessarily mean to kill him, but to remove him somehow from his power to hurt. God answered that prayer with my daughter’s abusive husband, with a godless school superintendent, and with a hospital administrator who cared, not for the patients, but for the bottom line. This is how I apply the imprecatory psalms to my life. I think it also helps, when you have been treated unjustly, to remember the end of those who cause so much hurt, as is done in the following psalm:
10. Read Psalm 73.
A. What is the theme of this psalm according to verses 1-3?
B. Read verses 4-12 — what does Asaph see from a worldly perspective?
C. What is his lament in verses 13-16?
D. Describe his turn and his thoughts led by the Spirit in verses 17-22.
E. Describe his resolve and gratitude in verses 23-28.
11. How might you apply Psalm 73 to your life?
12. Read Confessing Our Sins in the book and share what stands out to you.
Thursday: Battling Loneliness/Psalm 42
In her book, The Path of Loneliness, Elisabeth Elliot writes:
“The heart which has no agenda but God’s is the heart at leisure from itself. Its emptiness is filled with the Love of God. Its solitude can be turned into prayer.”
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific.
14. Read “Battling Loneliness”
A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice
in a paper cut?
B. What else stands out to you from this section?
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety.
A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm?
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific.
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves.
Friday: Keep Trusting the One Who Keeps You Trusting
16. Read the last section in this chapter, “Keep Trusting” and share what stands out to you.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section?
18. Answer one question from the final section.
Saturday: Take-A-Way
19. Answer two more questions from final section and share a take-a-way.
206 comments
5. Today I was doing my daily Bible reading and it included Psalm 55. This Psalm is very meaningful to me, as David shares his emotions so explicitly- for I am overwhelmed by my troubles. My enemies shout at me ( his complaint) Oh that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest!He calls to the Lord, confuse them, Lord, and frustrate their plans, for I see conflict and violence in the city.(his request)
His trust is so beautiful in verse 16, but I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. What a wonderful lament!
6. Grieving: what stands out is the tragedy that Gary endured when Bonnie was shot and through their work and struggles his heart had been turned to lament. Now in his brokenness he cried out to God and he was able to pray for the man who had taken her life. Lament turned his heart to grace and mercy. and also to worship. A difficult but blessed story.
7. A healing way to respond to a grieving friend. Well, I have had this experience in the last month. My friend, Debbie, has been devastated with her son, Chris’ loss of the battle with cancer, so I have sat with her and prayed and listened as she shares how it seems God has not answered her prayers.I have talked about the lament prayer, crying out to God when he seems silent. She has been persistent in coming to worship and Bible study when it has been so hard. She has felt the love of many who have reached out to help her. It is still a long hard road for her and her 2 young daughters, 24 and 17, who are grieving.
Shirley, what a precious friend you have been for Debbie!!
I am Sad for Debbie. That must be awful, to have to go through. I’m glad she has you for a friend Shirley.
8. How wise friends helped me in my grief: Well, as my mother was in her last hours of life at the nursing home, I had 4 friends who sat with me and that was a comfort. I was glad I was not alone My children and husband were in different states.
9. Counseling: counseling people in grief is an important help but some ways only cause more pain, lacking compassion because of poor advice.
Use of lament can be a guide to truth and a way to validate the struggle. Mark’s help with guiding them to a personal lament is a way to healing.
9. Overcoming bitterness: Wow, yes the topic of injustice is a difficult area. Mark advises that lament psalms is a way to overcome the bitterness when we have been unjustly treated. We are commanded to love our enemies(oh how difficult) and pray for those who persecute you ( or bless those who curse you). Lament helps to find a balance between justice and mercy. I need to think on this as I was treated badly by the same member of my church at 2 different times. I have prayed for forgiveness toward her, but I am not sure her attitude will change.
10. Overcoming Bitterness. What stood out.
The imprecatory Psalms can turn us away from bitterness. To unconditionally forgive the unrepentant can be just the way the secular world moves on. It is Biblical to acknowledge the injustice. I’m familiar with the command to forgive and move toward reconciliation, but I don’t remember ever thinking there were conditions. It isn’t like I’d never read the verses, but it is much worth pondering. Is reconciliation for me or for them?
11. A. Psalm 73; the theme in verses 1-3.
Asaph says that God is good to the righteous, but he had almost lost sight of that.
B. Verses 4-12 What does Asaph see from a worldly perspective?
The wicked and arrogant ignore God, or even mock Him, and yet it looks like they are prospering. It doesn’t seem right to him.
C. Verses 13-16 What is his lament?
He had worked hard at being righteous and yet he had suffered.
D. Verses 17-22 Describe the turn and thoughts led by the Spirit.
The change came when Asaph came into God’s presence. Somehow he was given both the knowledge of the end of the wicked, but he was also given the peace that his complaints would vanish like a dream when God comes.
E. Verses 23-28 Resolve and gratitude.
He marvels at God’s reality, power and comfort, and verbalized how much more desirable God is than anything – and – everything else.
12. How can you apply Psalm 73 to your life?
Remembering and practicing that it is much better to keep focusing and refocusing on Agod than to gaze at other people.
13. Confessing our Sins. What stood out?
Lament reminds us that even our small sins are serious. When someone has wronged me, I don’t want a flippant ‘sorry’ from them. I desire to hear in detail that they recognize what they’ve done and how it has affected me and our relationship. I want them to know and regret not my reaction, but their actions. Surely God desires the same. And He deserves it more than I do.
Your answer to 13 resonates with me 😉
9. Read the section “Counseling” and share what stands out to you.
To me, the counselors of today are naive and superficial. I have been treated poorly by them overall, when I have taken my family members to them. My mom was an exceptional one and I can be a counselor snob, I suppose (?).
In the past year or so, I have visited one myself (this time a Christian one) who gave me “homework” like the pastor in this book mentions (working through the lament the way we have done). I knew that this time my counseling experience was going to be better because of the “homework” I received, and it has been. Grieving people need this way of connecting with their feelings and acting out what is inside their minds. Just as “a good cry” can wash the sadness away, a good lament can help to soften the blow of the pain.
9. Overcoming Bitterness ~
The author says, “I’d like to suggest that laments help us find the balance between an appropriate desire for justice and the command to be merciful while having a forgiving spirit.”
How do you draw boundaries with people and still have mercy on them? Especially someone who has repeatedly broken trust? Bitterness has a way of quietly seeping in and then rearing its ugly head. Leslie Vernick says, “You can have unconditional love for someone without having unconditional relationship.” Does anyone have practical advice on how you have drawn healthy boundaries with mercy?
Nila, to recognize that there is a difference between granting forgiveness and giving trust. I’m still mulling over the ‘conditions’ of forgiveness, but we are commanded to do that. But nowhere is it written that we must then immediately trust that person. I think trust has to be earned. That said, when it was my mother I needed to set boundaries with what I came to was this. When she still lived on her own, I told her I would call her at specific days, for a set amount of time. (She lived in a different state.) I also told her I would not give her information on other family members (spy for her), nor would I discuss her with them. When she entered the nursing home, still in another state, I continued with that. We did visit about every three months until her death. I cried a lot, trying to find the path between a dysfunctional relationship and honoring my mother. Not sure how well I accomplished that, but it was a conscious goal, and my prayer.
God gives us mercy, grace, forgiveness. Yet he has boundaries with us. If we sin we can expect consequences (because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.) Forgiveness, mercy and grace don’t automatically mean vulnerability and trust. Unlike God though I can put up walls for my own sinful reasons, or try to pass punishment/judgement on another who does not deserve it out of anger or a desire to protect my heart. Honestly we so desperately need the Holy Spirit, the word of God and fellowship of other believers to know how when boundaries are appropriate. Even though I am called to forgive my parents, to have mercy on them for surely they were broken by the their own parents brokenness, and yet to be wise meant my girls didn’t spend time with them outside of my supervision. Which surely I know broke my mom’s heart that she never had much of relationship with my kids. I know though that her alcoholism made her unfit even if she couldn’t see that. So my heart hurts for her and yet although I have a civil relationship with my parents I am often convicted that I could reach out and call them more often and its true. Its hard though because you fear being hurt more.
This is so hard, Nila. I would also love suggestions here. I have family who we have ceased to get together with due to past hurt. We are pleasant to one another when we meet at a gathering, but struggle with past hurts. I have found that I can’t open my life up to these family members any more. Not like it was. Yet I’m torn at living with the brokenness. Looking forward to hearing some wisdom on this topic.
Tuesday
6. Read the section called “Grieving” and share what stands out to you.
I am learning that lament is very valuable prayer language…to “redirect my heart.” I am writing this with tears streaming down my face because I feel so undeserving of a God who cares about every part of our lives. He want us to turn to Him no matter how big or small our struggles may be and I just sit in awe of that.
7. Describe a healing way to respond to a grieving friend. Be specific as to what you would do.
I have to admit that I have always run the other way when I see a grieving friend. My grief after losing our son was so personal to me that I didn’t want anyone to “just sit with me” or try to console me and I guess I figured everyone felt that way in their grief. I guess too, and this is my struggle right now, that maybe I didn’t have a “real” friend at that time who really understood lament. I think what I just wrote answered number 8 as well…8. Share how wise friends helped you in grief. Be specific. Please know that I’m not writing this for any sympathy, but rather it is an “aha”moment that God has shown me. This process of lament is new to me and I’ve seen where I have failed as a friend and where friends have failed me…even in recent years of losing my father and mother.
9. Read the section “Counseling” and share what stands out to you.
”Lament creates a powerful pathway for emotional restoration and spiritual growth while expressing pain and exalting in God.” This is what I’m experiencing right now and is proof of the importance of lament…what a different mindset it has brought in my life and may I be able to share it with a hurting friend when needed.
Sharon — I think that is a pretty natural immediate response to grief. I don’t think it can be just anyone who sits with you — but were there some you might have welcomed? It’s interesting to know different responses…and I don’t know that I would feel comfortable asking if I could sit with them because it’s hard to ask someone in high tide grief to make a decision. I’d probably go and just try to feel it out, asking the Lord for widom. Thoughts?
This is so hard to know what to do. I know this topic still comes up between me and my mom, when my niece passed away at 28 of breast cancer, my sister was hurting, (still hurting and depressed 19 years later). My brother in law who was also grieving did not stay home with her the next day and went out with his son and grandkids. My sister to this day will say she hates him for that and will never forgive him, my mom says he should have stayed there with her. I’m so torn. How do two hurting and grieving people help each other. I’ve said that though what my brother in law did may have been wrong, maybe it was his way of coping with his daughter’s death, he was grieving too. My mom does not see it that way. But I think it makes a big difference. How can you help someone if you are grieving too? Oh Lord, help me see what is right.
Sweet Julie, such a hard place to be in. I’ve seen how grief can cause such turmoil in families as well. It can last a long, long time. Ultimately, doesn’t resolution require the hurting family members to surrender their grief to God? I have seen in my own life that the struggle ultimately comes down to pride. This seems so odd to say, but really when we are hurting in this deep way of grief, aren’t we really saying to God, ‘how could you do this to me?’ out of our own self-righteousness? Rather, we need to see the eternal perspective that God has. A friend recently shared with me that she could begin to turn from her grief when she realized that God had created her 3 year old brother (who she failed to save from drowning in an icy pond at 9 years old) for more than just his 3 years, but for eternity. He had purpose beyond the grave. Her understanding of God’s eternal character and eternal purposes gave her perspective to release the hurt she had been carrying. When she understood that God stands outside of time and was there with her when she was hurting in that moment but also outside that moment holding a greater purpose for what was happening, then she could be at peace. I pray for you and your family to have that peace. 🙏🏻
What I think is so helpful Julie is talking about what Keller says, that it HURTS to forgive because someone has to pay the debt (as Jesus did for us) and often it is the person who did not do the wrong for the person who did it. For me, at least, that was a lightbulb in letting go. Is your Mom a believer?
Julie, this statement, “ I’ve said that though what my brother in law did may have been wrong, maybe it was his way of coping with his daughter’s death, he was grieving too,” is very insightful. My husband and I grieved so differently and we gave each other space to grieve in our own ways.
My mom is a believing catholic but will not go to church with us, we are non denominational. My sister and brother-in-law used to be catholic as well, but after my niece’s death, no longer want anything to do with God. I’ve tried in the beginning send her things, but she told my dad to tell me to stop if. I pray that the Lord will bring someone in their lives that will lead them back to the cross, because I don’t believe it will be me. I believe that maybe my handling of certain situations, my sisters death, may have made them stop and think a bit, but sadly there is no relationship between them and Jesus.
Julie, you are in a hard place. and I will pray for you for God to lead you to do the right thing and to be an agent of reconciliation in your family.
It wasn’t until 3 years later that I met a friend who helped me through the grief that I thought I’d dealt with and I think I was finally ready to let someone in. I thank the Lord that she was a strong, beautiful Christian and helped me so much. I have learned that people all grieve so differently and through this study and from experience I hope I can be a better friend to those in pain than I have been in the past.
You are a wise woman with a teachable heart, Sharon. I do think men and women tend to grieve differently.
Thursday 9b. Overcoming bitterness: unforgiveness may turn to bitterness when anger takes hold in my heart and resides there. Heb.12:15 “See to that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” I think grace, God’s provision at the time of offense, allows me to be angry but not sin. Deut 2 9:18 talks of hearts turning away from God to idolatry, which is “root bearing poisonous and bitter fruit.” The next verse warns of false sense of safety when one continues on in stubbornness, which is as idolatry.
10. Ps 73 A. Asaph states God is good to pure in heart which he thinks he’s slipping away from due to his sin of envy.
B. The wicked have it made while mocking God.
C. Asap was struggling with keeping his heart pure without good results. Asaph couldn’t understand.
D. He went to God in sanctuary then understood final outcome. The worker’s slippery slope leads to destruction. When he was envious, Asaph was as a “brute beast” embittered, senseless and ignorant.
E. With understanding leading to confession, Asaph praises God and with gratefulness is content being near God.
About the quote from Elisabeth Elliot. What she doesn’t say, but does explain is that the heart fully separated to God will have a certain emptiness and a solitude. But God is the shape we are longing for. Nothing else we put there fills the spot.
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God. Be specific.
Loneliness had a lot to do with coming to Him initially. Knowing I was inadequate and unable to fill that void by anything I was doing. Then there were the times I made major moves and looked to God to bring me into godly friendships. I learned to pray for those people and give to them, rather than looking to get from them. Lately it has caused me to search for His answers for what this new season of retirement is to look like.
14. Battling Loneliness.
A. Why did the man whose father had Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as like lemon juice in a paper cut?
The cheerful greetings and joyful singing felt fake, and illuminated the grief below the surface.B. What else stood out?
The need to practice private lament as often as needed, especially processing intentionally prior to gatherings of others, so that you aren’t expecting them to fill the canyon in your soul. And how we need to give grace to the rest of the world who aren’t living with your pain. It makes me think of someone in our church who has had a life of pain. She talks about it and complains to everyone within earshot. I have tried to come alongside her, to be a friend, but it is like pouring into a bottomless hole. I want to give her this book but am afraid she would take offense. Does anyone have ideas of how I could help her?
Mary, so sweet of you wanting to help. My dad suffered a closed head injury and used to tell everyone he met the whole story. As a kid it was embarrassing to me, but looking back that was part of the grieving process for him. I’m sure this friend must be going through this pain and maybe just needs that listening ear right now. Maybe you can model lament for her by repeating her complaint in a prayer to God with her?
Good idea about the prayer!
15. Psalm 42. A. What evidence of loneliness do you see here?
The Psalmist is panting and thirsting primarily to be with God, but he also speaks freely of being alienated from people. It is especially sharp for him when he contrasts his current state with how it used to be when he was in good connection to both God and people.
B. How did the Psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? To me, it seemed mixed together. Really hard for this linear thinker! The call to God I saw in verses 1-2, and 9. The complaint and questions were in verses 3-5a, 7, and 9-11a. The resolve was in 5b, 6, 8, and 11b.
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves.
For sure I experienced it in our whitewater time. When I first realized how much trouble we were in, my spirit immediately turned to God, and it was like I was a small child climbing up God and into His arms. He carried me like that for a month. It was still incredibly painful, but He was keeping me from the worst of it. Then I would say the dry spell that lasted, I don’t know how many years. Even though I felt parched and not connected, I still knew He was there. There would be tiny oasis times of Scripture lighting up or Him speaking to me. Just enough to encourage me to keep on.
Thursday: Battling Loneliness/Psalm 42
In her book, The Path of Loneliness, Elisabeth Elliot writes: “The heart which has no agenda but God’s is the heart at leisure from itself. Its emptiness is filled with the Love of God. Its solitude can be turned into prayer.” – Oh this is good. I really like this.
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific. – For me when things are going well, or I’m lonely I will read an uplifting devotional, start talking to God, espeically when I’m out walking or I will listen to praise music. I do this as I walk and talk to God too.
14. Read “Battling Loneliness”
A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice in a paper cut? – I think to have to take care of an elderly parent when the parent themself is struggling to be happy and whole, just brings on more than some caretakes can handle. The son was already feeling down and beaten up and sometimes just a song sung, or a sermon preached can put so much more hurt on you that you feel for added saddness to your already heavy load.
B. What else stands out to you from this section? – “to practice private lament such that you can give a lot of grace to the rest of the world that isn’t living with your pain.” Oh my. This can be hard. When I’m hurting I am usually not in a pleasant mood. I don’t like to be around other people, I just want my ‘me’ time and to be left alone. But when I can’t get that, I don’t always respond in the loving way I should. I regret my words as soon as they come out, but man it is too late to take them back. All I can do at that point is to apologize. I need to remember that though I may be hurting, it’s not the fault of those around me. Most likely they did not create my hurt so I need to show them love as much as I can from my hurting heart.
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety.
A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm? – verses 1 and 2 show that he is lonely, looking for God. Crying and alone and others bringing to his attention that his God is not there.
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific. – He’s crying out to God, remembering what God did for him in the past and then remembers that God is with him in the day, he’s pouring out his love on him, but he knows he needs to put his trust in God again and he starts to praise him.
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves. – The life of a single mom, or dad, is not easy. I’ve been there. The struggles are real and can definitely bring you to your knees, but those little words that come out of the mouths of babes, can lift you right back up. Those words, the timing of them, a song that is played, a sermon preached, for me are all the touch of God letting me know, be still, don’t worry, keep moving forward, I’m right behind you holding you up. This is what gets me through. Even today, no longer a single mom, but when the load gets too heavy, God has planted in my heart these exact same things and I know that everything is going to be ok.
I love your whole post Julie. God is working in your heart ❤️ much like mine.
6. Read the section called “Grieving” and share what stands out to you.That through lament we can learn to live with lament.
7. Describe a healing way to respond to a grieving friend. Be specific as to what you would do. I mean its already been said, but to not let our comfort or lack of knowledge of what to do keep us from being present.
8. Share how wise friends helped you in grief. Be specific. Sometimes I just need someone to listen, other times its helpful to have someone validate my pain.
9. Read the section “Counseling” and share what stands out to you. Just that some ‘counseling responses’ can be off center and that Lament offers both a biblical true as well as and emotionally honest response to grief.
9. Read the section “Overcoming Bitterness” and share what stands out to you.Its interesting to think about how we balance legitimate just anger and God’s desire for forgiveness to the extent of being able to pray for our enemies.
10. Read Psalm 73. A. What is the theme of this psalm according to verses 1-3? That Asaph had almost slipped because he was envious of the wicked’s prosperity.
B. Read verses 4-12 — what does Asaph see from a worldly perspective? They seemed to have no troubles and healthy. That they were not stricken like everyone else. That they were filled with pride and violence. They were mean, filled with malice and threaten with oppression.
C. What is his lament in verses 13-16? That Asaph had been rebuked and stricken, even though he kept his heart clean as well as his hands. That trying to understand was weary to him.
D. Describe his turn and his thoughts led by the Spirit in verses 17-22. Until he went into the sanctuary of the Lord and understood their end, that he saw and understood that while he was embittered he acted the fool and was cold toward God.
E. Describe his resolve and gratitude in verses 23-28. His resolve was that it was good to be near God and that he had made God his refuge, that he could praise God to others.
11. How might you apply Psalm 73 to your life? To remember what I see in others life is not the full story, just as we cannot judge a man from his appearance. So even if it seems like the wicked man and the abusive man, is comfortable and rewarded I need to trust the justice of God. I also need to remember that my heart’s condition is my responsibility and taht if I allow it to get fat and lazy, embittered and hard thein I will be the on who steals my peace and joy because I will be the barrier keeping God out of my life.
12. Read Confessing Our Sins in the book and share what stands out to you. Its good to remember that we lament for loss through our own sin.
So good, Tammy, to remember we don’t see the whole story of another’s life.
10. Read Psalm 73.
A. What is the theme of this psalm according to verses 1-3?
The temptation to envy others who are better off
B. Read verses 4-12 — what does Asaph see from a worldly perspective?
The wicked seemed to have no ills and they just get wealthy and have all the materials of the world
C. What is his lament in verses 13-16?
That in his pure ways, he has many afflictions and what good did his pure ways serve him?
D. Describe his turn and his thoughts led by the Spirit in verses 17-22.
He came to the presence of God and understood God’s perspective on the wicked; an awareness of bitterness creeping in his heart-a brute beast before God.
E. Describe his resolve and gratitude in verses 23-28.
All this time God was with him and guided and promised a place in glory (heaven). There is nothing other than God that he needs and the evil will be destroyed in the end. To stay near to God and to tell of His wondrous deeds.
1. How might you apply Psalm 73 to your life?
To be content with what I have and to turn to God when bitterness starts creeping in.
2. Read Confessing Our Sins in the book and share what stands out to you.
Our failures are frequent enough and our brokenness deep enough that penitential laments should be a regular part of our spiritual rhythms.
To lead us sensitivity to sin we might be inclined to ignore or neglect.
Thursday: Battling Loneliness/Psalm 42
In her book, The Path of Loneliness, Elisabeth Elliot writes:
“The heart which has no agenda but God’s is the heart at leisure from itself. Its emptiness is filled with the Love of God. Its solitude can be turned into prayer.”
To have the heart at leisure from itself. Wow!
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific.
Ever since I have become a pastor’s wife, I have felt the keen sense of loneliness that I only have heard from other pastors’ wives who have been in the ministry far longer than I have been. There was a time that I felt like I just give, give, give. We have talked about this here before that people look to pastors as their saviors. Or put them on a pedestal. I think it is kind of the same with pastors’ wives. People expect much from us and treat us as if we do not have any struggles. A particular time came when my husband-pastor received harsh criticism from one of our members. I couldn’t share it with others, of course. But that is when the aloneness feelings gave way to pressing in more closely to God. For where else can go? Who else do I have?
14. Read “Battling Loneliness”
A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice in a paper cut? He was made more acutely aware of the grief below the surface.
B. What else stands out to you from this section?
When you’re hurting, I am not sure any service, greeting, or group is going to fill the canyon in your soul. I can think of at least 2 people in our church who are so deep in their grief and pain that they have difficulty coming to church. My husband and I just try to stay in touch through mail and texting.
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety.
A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm?
pants for water; thirsts, tears are my food, Why downcast pour out my soul; so disturbed within me? Breakers sweeping over him.
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific.
Turn: vs. 1-2As the deer pants for living water so my soul pants for you, O God.
Ask: When can I go and meet with God?
Complain: vs. 3-5 My tears have been my food day and night.
Trust: v. 5b, 8, 11b Put your hope in God…by day the Lord directs His love; at night His song is with me.
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves.
Not being able to be there with my Mom during her last days was grievous for me. Especially when my daughter, who often during that time shared her regrets for not spending more time with her, was in deep grief as well. But God’s love sustained us. Just when I felt like going under, I would feel His loving arms lifting me until I reach the surface. For many days, just enough so I can tread water with Him buoying me up with His love through caring friends, your prayers for me, and many tangible pieces of evidence of His care for Mom even after she was gone. The remembrance of His providential care for my family then is also carrying me through difficult challenges during these days of the pandemic.
12. Read Confessing Our Sins in the book and share what stands out to you.
Mark Vroegop says, “Our failures are frequent enough and our brokenness deep enough that penitential laments should be a regular part of our spiritual rhythms.”
This dovetails right into something that caught my attention yesterday. I’ve been gleaning much by listening to a wonderful man by the name of Dr. Curt Thompson. My counselor recommended him to me. He is a Christian psychiatrist with a practice on the east coast (Virginia). He absolutely interweaves scripture into all that he teaches. He applies the gospel to our broken, sin-infested lives. As I was taking notes from a podcast interview with him yesterday, he said, “Human beings are made to live rhythmically ~ We start out with the rhythm of labor & delivery. The rhythm of heartbeat. The gait (rhythm) of our walk. The rhythm of solitude and community.” He spoke about our need to confess sin ~ often. He is the author of a book entitled The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves .
Here is a link for anyone interested. Title of this podcast is Justice and the Inner Life, part 1:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/episode-14-part-1-dr-curt-thompson/id1226072499?i=1000430441626
You always have such good resources, Nila.
Very interesting, Nila. I thought about how what we spend our time thinking about is what we become. How if we keep rehearsing our pain, we get more entrenched in it. But in combination with this study, if we are giving it to God through lament, then we are becoming something better.
I’m going to look him up. Thank you Nila!
16. Section on Keep Trusting. What stood out?
Lament is a means of grace in any trial, a personal pathway for mercy in the darkness. Lament keeps you trusting and turning to God. In that place, it is our song to express grief while embracing God’s goodness.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section?
I see it as a life tool. So while at this moment I am not feeling any pain, the next time I do, which could be in an hour, I’ll be ready.
18. #1. How has your understanding and appreciation of lament changed by reading this book?
I was aware that lament existed in the Bible, but certainly not the breadth and magnitude of it. Nor had I ever seen how it can help expose idols in my life. I’m now going through the book with the young gal I mentor.
Friday: Keep Trusting the One Who Keeps You Trusting
16. Read the last section in this chapter, “Keep Trusting” and share what stands out to you. – The pain and suffering Micah and Sherri had to go through like so many of you lovely ladies. I’m sadden by the pain you all have suffered, and continue to suffer, but you all bring hope to me and my suffering that if you cry out to the Lord, he will bring you through it. Thank you all for being so open, it has helped me a great deal. “Keep trusting the One who keeps you trusting.” love this.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section? – The weather here in NW Indiana is beautiful as summer lends it’s way to fall and to enjoy the goodness of God I go for a walk on my lunch. I pray for all of you and your families and friends and the suffering you are facing. I also pray for the suffering our country is going through. What saddness it brings to me but I cry out to the Lord to help me believe that he is in control of it all and that we are all ok because of that. There is so much pain and hatred in the country, my heart cries out to Him to take back His Creation and restore it and to help my heart find peace.
18. Answer one question from the final section. – 2. “What do you think is lost for Christians if they fail to read the Bible with an eye to lament?” – I don’t know about anyone else, but for me, and I would think most Christians, if we are truly in a relationship with Jesus we would feel so much more peace in our lives after turning to Him, crying out to Him, asking Him and trusting Him. I don’t know how else I would get to this peaceful point in my life without him walking beside me through my suffering. Just this week alone, I was so over it, (work that is) I felt like just saying I’m done, but my cries to the Lord turned to understanding that I’m where he wants me to be right now. And my daily walks and talks with him brought me to a peaceful day in my heart today. There is no way we could have this if we don’t really dig in to His Word and find the laments he’s placed there for us. Thank you Lord, for allowing us to lament to you. We needed this lesson so bad, well I did anyway. Thank you!
12. Read Confessing Our Sins in the book and share what stands out to you.
Lament can bring a greater sensitivity towards my own sin. It is language for godly sorrow and gives us reason to hope. Seeing my sin through the lens of lament helps my soul keep a right perspective.
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific.
This may be different than what you’re asking exactly, but the question made me think of a feeling I’ve recognized ever since I was young. I can remember being at home, a house full of family, and the emotions I felt, I could only describe as “homesick”. As a kid, I remember thinking that didn’t make sense, to be homesick at home—but as I grew older and that emotion continued to surface, I have come to know it as a homesickness for my true Home, for Him. It made me aware at a young age that there is a longing in me that only He can meet. Though I too often still try other idols first, just knowing and reminding myself there are things only He understands about me, only He can care for me in—it brings peace to a deep place in my soul.
14. Read “Battling Loneliness” A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice in a paper cut?
It made him more aware of the grief below the surface.
B. What else stands out to you from this section?
I resonate with this so much. After a particularly awful incident with my oldest, I remember going to church the next Sunday,silent tears streaming down uncontrollably. I didn’t have the strength to weep anymore, no sounds came from me, just a flood of tears that would not stop. Eventually, I walked out of church to sit outside until service was over. There was such a deep loneliness in me—so deep that I did not want anyone around me because they were reminders to me of what I thouhgh I had, or what I thought I should be feeling, the praise I couldn’t muster. I wanted to be alone and yet I already felt so alone. Now I know, what I most needed was private lament to restore my soul.
It is so clear to me with you, Lizzy, how God’s hand was on you from the very beginning — before that, of course too, before the foundation of the world – -yet so clear and lovely to see.
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety. A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm?
Panting, thirsting, desperate to be filled by God; tears, unable to eat; continual longing; downcast soul; overwhelmed by the roaring waterfall, the breakers and waves; feeling forgotten by God; oppressed by the enemy; taunted by adversaries; lost in turmoil.
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific.
He cries to the Lord (v.3), pours out his soul (v.4), reminds himself of truth- to hope in God (v.5, 6), reminds himself of God’s love and presence (v.8), turns back to the Lord in praise (v.11)
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves.
I was 26 when my dad died very suddenly. I was living in another city and by the time I got to the hospital that night he was gone. I was shocked, and hurt. There was so much I’d wished had been said, redeemed…I remember sitting in my bathtub that night, in the house I’d grown up in, crying. I asked God why He has let my Dad go before everything was made better. For years I had thought this certain redemption had to happen in my life. I couldn’t see how to go forward now that the moment I’d waited for was no longer even a possibility. Nothing audible, but a clear answer came to my question: by God allowing my Dad to die, I must not “need” that moment I was longing for, in order to truly live. The words from my Dad that I had dreamed of hearing as a remedy to my pain was not the remedy I needed most—Jesus was,is.
9. Read the section “Overcoming Bitterness” and share what stands out to you.
I feel like I am a pretty forgiving person, probably because I know how often I make mistakes. I don’t typically feel the bitterness of which he speaks.
There is one person I am unable to forgive, and I don’t lose sleep over it 🤷🏻♀️. I guess I have felt sadness about this family member (not close) who treated my mom poorly. My mom was an amazing person who loved everyone. She did so many kind things for others, including this person. I can’t forgive what they did to mom.
The second is a pastor at a local church. I suppose it wasn’t just the pastor, but also a group who (in my opinion) made a very poor choice without thinking of the consequences to families. This church had a k-12 school that actually had a special ed department. Our daughter went there in 10th grade and we never saw her flourish anywhere like she did at this school. The special ed teacher was amazing and helped Sarah SO much. She had friends! She played sports! She was happy. We decided to send our younger son there and we filled out the paperwork and paid the deposit for two children. Mid July came and we got a notice that the school was going to close. They sent back our check too. We were devastated (and still am today 😔). They said they couldn’t pay the teachers so they had to close. I really feel like they ruined Sarah’s life. Why couldn’t they have merged classes and let some people go? To close just like that? She never was the same after that. It was an awful experience. The parent tried to get them to reconsider by forming a group and making commitments, but it eventually all fell apart.
I guess the pastor says we should lament to walk through the pain, and just typing the words helps to get it out. I’m not sure I will ever let either thing go all the way, but it also isn’t something I dwell on too much either.
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific. I think for me loneliness can cause a type of despair, feeling that way draws me to God, because it’s difficult to fill that without turning to God, I can try to fill that with substitutes but it doesn’t feel genuine.
14. Read “Battling Loneliness”
A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice
in a paper cut? It was hard for him to manage the niceties of socializing when his heart was aching.
B. What else stands out to you from this section? That private lament may be healing for your soul when you are feeling lonely.
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety.
A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm? The fact that he is not with crowds as they went to the temple.
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific. I am not sure, by asking God and his own souls painful and heartfelt questions.
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves. I think for me it has been through the quiet undergirding of strength and endurance when going through difficulty.
Thursday: Battling Loneliness
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? I had a choice to either putz around the house alone without purpose and sink deeper into the pit of depression or to press in to the Lord and study His word. I joined a Precepts Bible Study, we found a new church to attend regularly, and I began to enter into relationship with God again. I also pressed into God by journaling. During the warm months, I sit outside with the birds singing, the flowers blooming, the squirrels chirping, and just thanking God for these small daily, beautiful blessings. During the colder months, I sit inside, in my favorite chair, in the warmth of my home reading and studying His word.
14. Read “Battling Loneliness”
A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice in a paper cut? “A crowd can be a lonely place when your heart is heavy. . . . The pain in his life created an internal song of sorrow, not merriment.”
B. What else stands out to you from this section? “The private lament – all alone with God – has the potential to bring healing to your soul and strength to your heart as you walk a lonely road.” This is true for me when I retreat and sit by myself in God’s creation studying/reading God’s Word. I am thankful for these times to withdraw and press in to Him.
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety.
A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm? The “soul” talk is woven throughout the Psalm through tears, despair, searching, drowning, oppression, mourning, and disturbed.
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific.
He turns to God – the psalmist cries out, longs for the Lord, pours out his soul, his tears are his food day and night
He brings his complaint – he remembers when “life was better” but now they say “where is your God,”
He asks boldly – and questions God: “when will I see your face?” “why have you forgotten me?” “why do I go on mourning?”
He chooses to trust – the psalmist turns to God, hopes in Him, praises & remembers Him, and waits for Him
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves. I was raised in a Christian home, went to church Sunday morning and evening, and Wednesday nights. My mom was a Bible Study Fellowship leader and was in the Bible all the time or talking with the ladies in her group or her other friends. .I was active in youth group. I loved the Lord and loved church.We would get out of church on Sunday mornings and the fighting would begin. Always arguing, yelling, fighting about whatever. As a teenager, I struggled with the relationship my mom and I had; I always felt like I was the rebellious, stubborn, problem daughter. Sometimes if my Mom and I were fighting or arguing, my Dad would come down to my room and try to be the peacemaker and have me apologize to mom. Mom never was the one who would apologize to me, my brothers or my Dad. Mom also did not have a good relationship with her mom – so I saw a pattern with the women in my family. My mom is the epitome of an embittered, resentful, discontented woman. Even after college, moving out, getting married, and having children, my relationship with mom never changed. I would come away from a phone conversation or a family get-together that inevitably had some kind of argument, feel awful, and wonder why I couldn’t have a “good relationship” with her; what was wrong with me?? After all, if you’re a good Christian, growing in the Lord, then you would have a good relationship with your mom, right??Then, I started having children . . . and, oh my gosh!! – these “children” were DAUGHTERS!! OMG!! God was getting back at me for how I treated my mom! I continued to pray for a good relationship with mom and also began to pray that I would not perpetuate the same type of relationship with my daughters. Then, one Sunday morning, our Pastor taught on I Samuel 24-27. This is the passage where Saul is in pursuit of David; he wants David dead. Here is Saul, the King of Israel, God’s anointed ruler over His people, and he had anything and everything he could want. But he so despised and was jealous of David, Saul pursued him relentlessly. Two times, David had the opportunity to take Saul’s life – but because Saul was the anointed King, David knew that he could not take the King’s life (as his soldiers wanted him to do). He knew that the Lord would set things right. However, David did confront Saul . . . from a distance . . . to reveal that he could have done harm to the King – but he didn’t. David also knew that he could not trust Saul, no matter what Saul said to him. At the end of the sermon, my Pastor asked the congregation, “Who is your Saul?” And I knew, my Saul was/is my mother. This was a time that deep called to deep and I knew God’s love was beneath the emotional, rolling, tumultuous waves called “Mom.” I realized I can have a relationship with her . . . but it had to be at a distance. I realized that I would not have the kind of relationship that I have always longed for; it’s not one with which I can trust my mom with matters of my heart; and I realized that I was not the one with the deep-seeded resentment & bitterness causing the discord. Eventually, I had to set strong boundaries with my mom. She was not an emotionally safe person for me and I did not want that cast upon my girls. Now, years later, my girls are grown and they can choose to have a relationship with their granny – but I think they’ve come to the same conclusion as I since they rarely see her.
Wow.
This was a time that deep called to deep and I knew God’s love was beneath the emotional, rolling, tumultuous waves called “Mom.”
Makes me think of the Isaiah passage — though she may forget, I will never forget you.
Yes – so true.
Karmen,
Understandably painful.
Have you read or listened to Leslie Vernick speak about her broken relationship with her mother? It is what drove her to become a licensed counselor and help others in difficult relationships.
No – I haven’t heard of her. I will look her up though. Thank you.
Oh, wow! Karmen! I was so struck with what you have shared about Saul and David. “Who is your Saul?” I do have one, indirectly as this situation involves my husband. Thank you for sharing. My prayers will reach another level of conversation with God with regard to this particular relationship.
10. Read Psalm 73.
A. What is the theme of this psalm according to verses 1-3?
It is of a person who knows how good Israel is but he, himself falters.
B. Read verses 4-12 — what does Asaph see from a worldly perspective?
People are free from pain; they live well and enjoy their lives.
C. What is his lament in verses 13-16?
He wonders why he has not felt like he has succeeded when those who are wicked have. He says that he has tried to do the right things, but those who haven’t seem to win.
D. Describe his turn and his thoughts led by the Spirit in verses 17-22.
He turns by saying he recognizes that you really do give them their punishment. He finally sees he was a bitter person who needed help.
E. Describe his resolve and gratitude in verses 23-28.
He is grateful that he has God on his side. He says God is his strength forever.
11. How might you apply Psalm 73 to your life?
I can realize that those around me, who are seemingly succeeding and have no troubles are probably not as they seem. They probably don’t have God in their lives, whereas I do. They probably will struggle more than I do. God loves me and wants me to be well.
Simmchris, would you please email me if you want to be part of the Facebook page where some of us share prayer requests and such. My email address is datrails@gmail.com. I left a message for you on this blog a bit ago, but have not heard from you.
Dee, Sorry that I have not been following the blog this week. I had cataract surgery this week and find my eyes are still sensitive to light and blurry. White screens on the computer such as this page are hard to follow.
Diane–I was just thinking of you! Praying for healing from your eye surgery! Love you!
Oh yes, praying for you Diane. 🙏🏻
Diane, praying for you. My husband had cataract surgery a few months ago. He had to take things slowly although he is very glad to have had it done.
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific.
When my oldest son turned and announced he was an atheist. I felt so lonely like God had forgotten us-like all that we built into him from day one of his life-verse memory starting at 2 years old, Awana’s, and just living and sharing as I walk with Jesus every day-all of that didn’t seem to yield like God promised it would. So I cried out to God how upset I was with Him that He promised his word would never come back void and it certainly seemed like it was coming back void. Why have you forgotten me, forgotten my son!! God spoke softly to me and revealed a heart idol of control and approval which was a surprise for I was focused on why God hadn’t intervened in my son. God reminded me that He is the one who soften’s and moves in hearts and draws them to Himself, not me! I desired to be like our friend’s families where their children followed Jesus as adults. I would be so ashamed of what they would think if they knew he was an atheist. God whispered to me to trust Him with my son and with all of my boys hearts. God helped me to let go and trust reminding me-where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you understand. 🙂
On a side note-This current wave crashing over me is another opportunity to loosen the grasp of another idol-comfort/security. what is different is that I am more attune to how awful my sin nature is! But oh, the more He helps me decrease, the more I sense His presence-what Joy! What freedom.
What a quote from Rebecca:
The more He helps me decrease, the more I sense His presence.
19. #2. What do you think is lost for Christians if they fail to read the Bible with an eye to lament?
I think we can more easily lose hope. Can certainly lose perspective. We can get entrenched in believing we have to handle everything ourselves. This morning, I was wanting to withdraw and complaining to God that I am a failure because of all the people I’ve worked hard to influence for Him that haven’t come to Him. He asked me why I thought I should succeed when He hasn’t been able to reach them. That set me back. I realized it isn’t up to me. It is up to me to pray and follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. It is not mine to be burdened. It is mine to bring every burden to Him.
#4. If you are struggling with a bitter heart, how might lament start you on a path toward love and a willingness to forgive?
I picked this question, thinking of the woman I mentioned earlier and Chris’s reply that I should pray lament with her. I am also thinking about a comment from the blog that Nila posted a link to. Dr Thompson said a question they ask is, do you want to get well? Or do you merely want the symptoms to go away? Lament in the Bible is so good, because it not only directs us to talk with God about our feelings, giving words to our complaints, but it also points us to the spot where we see God more than seeing our problems. Please pray with me that God would direct my steps and the timing to reach out to her.
6. Read the section called “Grieving” and share what stands out to you. The phrase “the ordinary grief of life” stopped me in my tracks. Life is difficult. And I find that sometimes it is the “committee in my head” that brings me the most suffering. It’s like a lawnmower — the devil only has to pull the pull cord by an event/circumstance to get me started, and then my head will just take over and do the damage.
7. Describe a healing way to respond to a grieving friend. Be specific as to what you would do. Late last week I got an email from a bereaved parent who was going to be doing her clinicals for her BSN at the children’s hospital this past Wednesday. She stated that she had not returned to the hospital since her baby boy died. She didn’t know what or how to face it. She did not want to break down among her fellow students. Her baby had spent most of his life in the hospital and had been on most of the floors. I suggested she come to my office on Tuesday, and we would do a “dry” run and I would walk her through the hospital to all those areas with support. It was a compliment that she reached out. And I think the greatest gift was just to walk her through the journey as a healing presence. One thing I always do is send a sympathy card or just a note card about a month to the grieving friend. By then, most support is moving on.
8. Share how wise friends helped you in grief. Be specific. The greatest way friends helped me through grief was having the patience to listen while I needed to talk. Some talking was about pain and some was reflecting and remembering. I have heard it said that when you lose the person to reminisce with, it is almost like losing the memory itself.
9. Read the section “Overcoming Bitterness” and share what stands out to you. Oh my! That first paragraph was dead on regarding something I’ve been going through with my co-social worker colleague. She has not been accountable to anyone regarding things related to work ethic, honesty, and having many things fall through the cracks. Finally, after 5 years, a new social worker director is in town and has been able to give her feedback. Our palliative care director has had an unfair positive bias toward this person (and boy does she get the accolades) and on the few times I addressed concerns with the palliative care director, I was gaslighted so I just shut up. Our true boss, the social work director, is addressing things and it has created a lot of disruption as the other social worker has been taken to task but won’t own up to anything. I shared with the social work director that I have just felt so wounded over the years with this. She asked me, “What do you need to move forward?” I stated, “I have to know that [the other social worker] is not going to get away with this.” This is my need for justice. And I believe that is happening, although I don’t have to know the nitty gritty or details. But my responsibility is to give this situation to God and focus on “staying in my lane.” I tend to be a “steady Eddy” and get a lot of work done quietly and efficiently without fanfare. It also helped knowing other colleagues in palliative care were seeing similar things with this social worker, most of whom are believers. This is still in progress, so I’m still dealing with this scenario. But, boy, has God answered prayer just by it being addressed.
10. Read Psalm 73.
A. What is the theme of this psalm according to verses 1-3? Asaph is struggling due to envying those not devoted to God.
B. Read verses 4-12 — what does Asaph see from a worldly perspective? That they have it made in the shade!
C. What is his lament in verses 13-16? He is letting it known that he is viewing his devotion to God has been useless.
D. Describe his turn and his thoughts led by the Spirit in verses 17-22. UNTIL (love that word) Aspah fixed His eyes on God and got a glimpse from God’s perspective.
E. Describe his resolve and gratitude in verses 23-28. I couldn’t help think of the song “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus”… He remembered! And rehearsed the truth he knew about God.
11. How might you apply Psalm 73 to your life? This is perfect for my situation with the other social worker, and some other toxic players in my department.
12. Read Confessing Our Sins in the book and share what stands out to you.
In her book, The Path of Loneliness, Elisabeth Elliot writes:
“The heart which has no agenda but God’s is the heart at leisure from itself. Its emptiness is filled with the Love of God. Its solitude can be turned into prayer.”
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific. As an introvert, I have 4 quarter friends vs. 100 penny friends. Solitude does not bother me. But I have been lonely when either I am misunderstood or feel as if my circumstances and what I’m going through seems out of step with most people that they haven’t a clue. I have often felt this raising a son with severe autism and the continual work it requires even with him in a group home. Many people have never met him and have no clue about any of this, even though they may know about him. The weight of responsibility can overcome me at times, and I know that Jesus cares and understands, not just about me but about Caleb’s life. Where could I go but to the Lord?
14. Read “Battling Loneliness”
A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice
in a paper cut? Because it stings! I felt this when my father was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and would be dead within 6 months and my mother’s 13 years of enduring Alzheimer’s. I was a public, visible person in my church for years and because of this, I often said I felt like I was “clocking in” on Sunday mornings as I was a soloist and the pianist for the large church, leading Bible study, etc. I had to be “on.” I became disillusioned with church and especially now when it feels much more like entertainment and like a rock concert. I now attend a small home church, which has made all the difference.
B. What else stands out to you from this section? I felt a sudden burden for many of my patients’ families. Because of their medical complexities and severe disabilities, they often are unable to attend church and church is not welcoming to them. Some of our patients are children who are trach/vent dependent who need suctioned and the noise of the suctioning machine would never be tolerated, plus the risk of infection from exposure could be life threatening. Or mothers of children with autism whose children are like pinballs and a meltdown or tantrum cannot be predicted. These are invisible families who are still part of the Body of Christ, but I fear that it is out of sight, out of mind. I would like to explore how we can minister to them.
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety.
A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm? He is cast down and in turmoil and where he is, is far from Jerusalem where he goes to worship God.
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific. First he turned toward God, and brought forth his complaints, but also asked, and trusted.
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves. This past December when I had bilateral knee replacement surgery, which had a long, painful recovery period over three months. He helped me so much at a time when I was in pain and was isolated, feeling like I would never heal.
Oh Denise – -I may have missed it before — but realizing this son with severe autism is part of your life makes me understand your depth.
Denise! I am so glad I came here this morning. My heart is with yours in regard to ministering to parents who have children or adult children with severe autism or other disabilities that could cause a distraction at church. Two of my boys are on the autism spectrum and when they were young..oh. Especially my one with Autism. There is also a gap when they get older as far as fitting in with the middle school and high school. A friend and I were led to start a ministry in my old small church but it was for Sunday School and we made the class small and rotated typical kids in to help. It was all God’s doing and one of the typical kids favorite classes not to mention the kiddos with disabilities. We took the lesson and re-wired it to fit them..and we let them answer questions and lead, and we took them out of the class often demonstrating a lesson. It was a sweet gift from God!
Denise, am glad this study is still first in the line of the lament series. I thank you for sharing about your son with autism as our Rebecca here as shared as well. My husband was a Sunday School teacher for “special ed adults” for many years. I believe the experiences we have had with them helped us to be more compassionate not only to them but to their families. I will pray for you as you ask the Lord to lead you to a ministry in this area. And I do love your sensitivity to the people that the Lord has brought to you. Like the student who is finishing her BSN and shared with you her apprehension about doing her clinical rotation at a hospital where her boy died at. What a blessing you must have been to this woman.
16. Read the last section in this chapter, “Keep Trusting” and share what stands out to you. I really could relate to Micah’s and Sherri’s stories as I see this scenario play out so often in the population I serve. Like their child, many premature babies end up with secondary conditions from being born so early and so tiny. Sometimes those conditions are lifelong while some eventually go on with a more typical life. This is the an example of the families that are invisible I spoke about and am burdened for.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section? I don’t think my pain with regard to my Caleb’s disabilities will ever resolve because it is a grief where the object of your grief is still present. But you learn to live with it and thank God it doesn’t become acute often, but you do walk with a limp. I accept him and all the many gifts he has brought to my life, but pain still presents itself knowing he will never marry, never have children, never enjoy sexual pleasure, or have someone hold him in bed on a rainy day. Who will cut his toe nails when I am gone?
18. Answer one question from the final section. #1 How has your understanding and appreciation of lament changed by reading this book? I have found that I am wanting to share this grace with those going through something. I have two dear friends going through difficult times right now…one is an hour and a half from me. The local friend I have spoken to her about lament and even gave her the short lament prayer Vroegop wrote in his book. I am sending a copy of this book to both of my friends. It is so powerful to know this grace is there when we are dealing with struggle and loss.
Friday: Keep Trusting the One Who Keeps You Trusting
16. Read the last section in this chapter, “Keep Trusting” and share what stands out to you.
Keep trusting the One who keeps you trusting.
Lament is the personal song that expresses our grief while embracing God’s goodness.
Micah and Sherri’s story-the importance of having somebody to lament with. The importance of the above quote as we can live through life without having our pain unresolved. And as long as we live here on sin-sick earth, we need lament to help us through the trials of life.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section?
A longing in my heart to see my daughter return to her vibrant relationship with the Lord is still very heavy on my heart. As I get older, I long for her to include Jesus in her everyday life, decision making, and her future before I leave this earth. I long for her to experience the joy that I have with Him on this life’s journey. The trials and pains are so worth it. Lord, you will complete what you have started in the life of my daughter (Philippians 1:6). Help me wait patiently on you and may you grant the desire of my heart. Your will, O Lord, not mine.
18. Answer one question from the final section.
1. How has your understanding and appreciation of lament changed by reading this book?
“Dark clouds of our lives cannot eclipse the deep mercies of God.” I sent these words to a friend who is going through such a rough time right now.
Reading this book has given me a language to express my complaints to God and to get to the other side of trust. The process now has a name-lament. I wouldn’t have been able to say the above words to my friend if it were not for the lessons I have learned from this book.
Saturday: Take-A-Way
19. Answer two more questions from the final section and share a take-a-way.
My take away is my answer to question #18.
a. How has lament helped you deal with your own grief?
Reading the psalms and lament of God’s people a long time ago have given me encouragement to do the same. Unresolved pain did not let them waver in their faith and trust in God. They are examples for me to follow.
b. Have you experienced a time of sorrow when you felt incredibly alone?
When I was in the Philippines, alone in my hotel room, and my sister was dying from cancer. I felt so hopeless. I believe I had nights of lamenting while I was there. Tears were my companion. I did not know then but Mark’s book has helped me look back to realize that there is goodness in my lament and thankful for God who has given us this avenue of calling upon Him. Again, for where would we go but to Him?
16. Read the last section in this chapter, “Keep Trusting” and share what stands out to you.
Piper’s quote—”Keep trusting the One who keeps you trusting”, and “Everyone has a story”. We all have pain, we all have cause for lament. But through them God will draw us closer to Himself.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section?
There are 3 relationships that grieve my heart and have for years—my daughter, and 2 of my sisters. In both cases I have moments of peace where I feel I have done all I can, but all it takes is seeing a mother and daughter laughing together or someone mentioning their bond with their sister for me to feel like my wound has been scratched with sandpaper and it’s deeply painful, confusing.
18. Answer one question from the final section.
(question #7) In these painful areas of my life it is a struggle to keep trusting. It’s easier to feel like I have failed in some way, like this mess is a consequence of my own sin or errors. Yet I honestly cannot find fault except that I am not like-able, love-able to them. It is easier, preferable even to them to have me out of their life rather than in it. So Father, again, I turn to You. Where else can I go? My heart aches. My loss is great. I feel unfairly treated. There is nothing more I can do. Please heal my heart. Show me if there is anything I need to confess. Cleanse me and fill me with Your love, do not allow a root of bitterness in me Lord. I will trust You Lord, though I can’t understand. I trust You. My faith in You, my relationship with You, is worth more than any other. Thank You that You cannot let me go.
Lizzy — this makes me think of a quote about the Nazis that I don’t have quite right – -but the idea is they hated the Jews and then they hated them more because they killed them. I think it is so important to see this is not about you but about their sin.
Psalm 73: the Psalmist says in verse 21, when my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in my heart, I was like a beast to you.
his resolve and his gratitude: Nevertheless you are continually with me, you guide me with your counsel and he knows he will be with God in heaven.
Apply this to my life: Well, I become very discouraged at times and am close to feeling sorry for myself, thinking all my efforts are in vain. I will never prosper spiritually. Yet I do know that God never abandons me and is the strength of my life, in spite of my weaknesses. I have a wonderful future in eternity, for God has mercy on me!
I seem to have lost the first part of my answers for Psalm 73…
12. Confessing our Sins: Our sins may lead us to reap what we have sown…The practice of lament may help us to come into God’s presence to confess our sins. Psalm 51 has been a springboard of lament and confession for me. Here is a language for us to lament our sorrow and to hope again.
verse 6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
FRIDAY: Keep Trusting the One Who Keeps You Trusting
16. “Keep Trusting” – what stands out? Pain and hardship come in unexpected and unwelcomed waves. Lament is never a song we set out to sing. But when darkness settles in, lament can become my personal song that expresses my grief while embracing God’s goodness. It can become my personal pathway that discovers grace and finds mercy.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section? Some of my unresolved pain revolves around two of my daughters and the choices they’ve made for their life. My oldest wanted to be a missionary as a young woman; now, she is an agnostic and wants nothing to do with the Lord. My youngest daughter caused much turmoil & pain within our family and it’s name was oppositional defiance disorder. She only lived with us for 16 years of her 29 years. I often feel like she traded us, her family of origin, in for a new family – her in-laws. My unresolved pain is that I just want to talk honestly, openly, deeply with my girls. I just want to talk now as adult women. In my heart of hearts, I know they love me . . . but do they like me? I guess this goes back to the whole mother-daughter relationship. I lament the loss of what I always hoped & longed for – to be friends, good friends, with my girls.
18. Answer one question from the final section. Reflection question #3: How has lament helped you deal with your own grief? Lament is not a bad thing or something to be avoided. But rather, it is a song – not one that I set out to sing, but a song that needs to be sung nonetheless. I want to keep me leaning into lament so that I will keep trusting the One who keeps me trusting.
15. Read Psalm 42 in its entirety.
A. What evidence of loneliness do you see in this psalm?
He says it….
The Psalmist is missing God. He is remembering the way it used to be and lamenting that he is so discouraged and sad.
B. How did the psalmist turn this into a prayer of lament? Be specific.
He used the pattern we have learned.
He cried out to God, he asked questions and cried out, then he remembered the way things used to be. He used the word “but” to show that he would not stay on the same lamenting path. He then decides to continue to Praise and worship God and trust He will help him.
C. Share a time when deep called to deep, when you sensed God’s love beneath the waves.
I just had a dream (I never dream) about our daughter Sarah. I guess my heart is telling me that I am still very sad about the things we have been through as a family. It made me cry (I rarely cry). It felt like God was trying to tell me something, like He was here.
There have been a few times when I sensed God near. Usually it has been times when I have been stressed and distraught. It has also been times when I have had a “kiss” from Him too. I can’t think of a specific one right now though.
Oh I do know God is with you and weeps with you, dear Laura.
Rough week with beginning school. I’m trying to get back into the swing of it….
13. How has loneliness pressed you into God? Be specific.
I actually have been feeling lonely much of this year for the first time ever. I love to be around people usually. This year we have been forced to take a different path as a country, with the virus protocols, and it has been a quiet one in my life for sure. It has not made me press into God. Other times in my life I have been more in tune with Him. I guess Christian music helps me mostly. I get bored fairly easily and will find anything to do other than things I should do!
14. Read “Battling Loneliness”
A. Why did the man battling Alzheimer’s describe Sunday worship as being like lemon juice in a paper cut?
He was suffering and feeling very lonely in that suffering. It’s difficult to be struggling with something when others seem happy and giddy. It doesn’t make you feel that good inside.
B. What else stands out to you from this section?
I liked when he says we should practice lament alone because private lament helps us give grace to the rest of the world not going through our pain.
16. Read the last section in this chapter, “Keep Trusting” and share what stands out to you.
I can’t imagine what these people went through with their newborn baby. I like how they talked to God together in the restaurant. So sweet.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section?
Definitely the pain of how our children have grown up, their views of the world, their intolerance of us, as their parents, their bad choices including not having God in their lives, and so on. Keep trusting The Who keeps you trusting, indeed.
16. Read the last section in this chapter, “Keep Trusting” and share what stands out to you.The quote “Keep trusting the one who keeps you trusting.” I like that quote.
17. What unresolved pain causes you to apply this section?The on going healing of my childhood wounds, the on going struggles in Jelly’s family, the on going struggle in my friend K’s children’s lives, the difficulties that rise in my marriage, and my on going disagreement/confusion with Christians I respect.
18. Answer one question from the final section. What do you think Christians lose if they fail to read the bible with an eye to lament? They lose the experience of reading how other believers and those following God have processed through grief and see the template that God has left for us in His word. For surely grief and loss visits us all.
19. Answer two more questions from final section and share a take-a-way. #7
Father God I turn to you, I recognize you as my dad as my Abba. You were there when I was knitted together in my mother’s womb, you were there when I felt utterly alone, you were there when I stood up to my father, and you were there when I felt helpless in the face of wrong. I feel shorted God. As this week unfolded and saw how my home life affected my high school transcript, that makes me feel behind everyone around me. How a visit to a dentist turns into a reminder that I have issues that will require serious intervention, and both of these incidents seem to remind me how I wasn’t cared for as a child. Why God, why do I have to feel like I am now having a harder time of it because of my childhood? Why did my girls get a mom that I will never have. I feel like I have to mother myself. I have to go back and teach myself the math I never learned because I was too busy trying to survive. I now have to do surgery and orthodontics so my teeth don’t wear down to nubs. I don’t know what its like to have a mother and father, ones who would fight for me, ones who would cherish me, and teach me wisdom. What does it feel like God to have someone have your back like a parent? What if I had someone who built into me when I was growing? To have someone call me now who just wants to check in on me, or pray for me, or buys fun little gifts.Who intercedes for me daily both in the heavenly but also in the every day stuff. Who asks me how I am doing when they know I was having a bad day. What would it have been like to have known the kind touch of a father, or a mom who you knew really loved you. I give what, I have never had, the love of a parent. God please help me to heal from what was absent and what has been done and said. God please change the self talk that still says I am not enough. God please fill my longing. God please help me not to find my value in anything but your love even as the dentist journey and school journey unfold. God please save and heal my parents, I know they are broken. Thank you God, thank you for the glimpses I get of your being my dad, thank you for the moments where I feel a type of mother’s love expressed by friends, and family. Thank you God that you have given me resources to fix my teeth, and to consider school. Thank you God, that these struggles and pain are not worthy to compare to the treasures I will have in knowing you in heaven. I praise you God because you saw fit to draw my children and now I think my husband to yourself.
My take away is that lament helps. Even laments that we keep lamenting, like my childhood. The lament I just wrote opened a gate I didn’t realize I needed this week.
Thank you Dee, and all of ladies here. I enjoyed doing this study with you. It has been good. May God bless those of you going on to the next study. I may join you all once again in the future.
13. How has loneliness pressed me into God? Well, this has been a pattern for me from childhood when I felt very alone, being an only child and having lost my Dad at an early age. I knew God was always present for me and I always prayed and trusted, especially when I was melancholy. Then it was natural for me when I went through difficult times throughout my adult years. Psalms has been a blessing to me, and when I didn’t know I was lamenting, that was the path I took.
14. Battling Loneliness
A. The man whose father had Alzheimer’s felt more aware of grief during worship…
B. What stands out is that private lament has the potential to bring healing to the soul. I have experienced this.
Hi dear ladies…I am going to try & be faithful to this study after 1 year away. The story of Becky & her Roots going so deep during such grief stood out to me.
I think ways I have avoided bitterness are to stay closely connected with friends in Christ and also to stay in the word of God. The Lord gives me hope that He will rectify things in his own way and His own time. Nothing is wasted if I give it to Him & trust Him.