SWEET SUMMER DAYS
MY CHILDREN AND MY CHILDREN’S CHILDREN ARE VISITING THE CABIN
BUT I CAN RUIN A PERFECT DAY IN A MOMENT
WITH A CARELESS WORD TO MY ADULT DAUGHTER:
FORGETTING THE POWER OF THE TONGUE
TO PIERCE THE HEART.
DEATH AND LIFE, PROVERBS TELLS US, IS IN THE POWER OF THE TONGUE
AND WILL AFFECT NOT ONLY OUR HEARER’S HEART, BUT OUR OWN.
THIS WEEK’S LESSON APPLIES TO ALL,
BUT I HAVE BEEN REFLECTING ON THE ADULT MOTHER/DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP.
MY MOTHER HAD THREE DAUGHTERS
AND I HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS
SO I SHOULD REMEMBER HOW I LONGED FOR MY MOTHER’S BLESSING,
AND HOW A CARELESS WORD FROM HER COULD CRUSH ME.
SO WHY CAN I NOT CONTROL MY OWN TONGUE
CONSISTENTLY WITH MY OWN DAUGHTERS?
ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS TOLD ME LAST WEEK
HOW SHE LONGED FOR MY BLESSING.
I THOUGHT, DOES SHE NOT KNOW SHE HAS IT?
AND YET I ALSO KNOW THAT DESPITE ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT I GIVE
ONE CARELESS WORD
CAN BE LIKE A SWORD THRUST TO HER HEART.
THE HURT MAY BE UN-INTENTIONAL,
YET, IF I HAD BEEN SLOWER TO SPEAK, I COULD HAVE AVOIDED IT.
WHEN WORDS ARE MANY, PROVERBS TELLS US, SIN IS NOT ABSENT.
IN THE SHORT VIDEO YOU’LL WATCH TODAY FROM DEBORAH TANNEN,
SHE SAYS THAT MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLEX.
MOTHERS WANT “TO HELP.”
THEY WANT THEIR DAUGHTERS TO AVOID THE MISTAKES THEY MADE.
SO THEY GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.
DAUGHTERS HEAR “META-MESSAGES” OF DISAPPROVAL.
THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS ARE WITH
MOTHERS WHO BITE THEIR TONGUES.
WE MUST NEVER FORGET THAT OUR HEARTS ARE DARK AND DECEITFUL.
SO THE SECRET TO CONTROLLING OUR TONGUE,
JESUS TELLS US, IS TO BEGIN WITH THE HEART,
FOR OUT OF THE OVERFLOW OF THE HEART, THE MOUTH SPEAKS.
Deborah Tannen is a linguist, a communication specialist, with informative and intriguing books — her best known being: “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation.” She is a Jewish Professor and I have learned much from her. The following interview is on her book on mothers and daughters. I think there is valuable advice here, though I think the conflict that Christian mothers and daughters would not be, hopefully, over the transitory issues of “hair, clothes, and weight,” but rather, matters of the heart. But the principles are still valid. AND CAN I NOT PRAY INSTEAD OF GIVING UNSOLICITED ADVICE AND BELIEVE GOD WILL WORK?
Watch and I’ll give you a chance to share your thoughts.
Sunday Icebreakers
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
Monday-Wednesday Bible Study
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
We’ll be reading Proverbs 15-16 and looking also at assorted Proverbs about the tongue.
6. Read Proverbs 10:19
A. What does this teach you?
B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”
C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
6. According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts?
Have you experienced this? Explain.
7. How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18?
8. Read Proverbs 15-16 and note anything that quickens you.
9. Read Proverbs !5:1 — have you seen this work in your own life? How is Proverbs 15:4a like this?
10. Read Proverbs 16:24 and explain the power of blessing others. How well do you do this and what could help you do this more?
11. What warning does Proverbs 18:13 give? Tim Keller says that it is vital that we listen to the person with whom we disagree so well that we can repeat his argument back to him so well that he absolutely knows he has been heard.
This week my niece is staying with me and I applied the above to the gay marriage debate, for she has had much on Facebook. I told her I simply wanted to hear her out to understand her. She cried as she wept about her gay friends who just want what other people have. I wept too, and I think the tears were healing for both of us — so much better than vitriolic exchanges. I said little and apologized to her for the unkind ways Christians have entered into this discussion. I felt God’s pleasure. She knows I see it differently — but I felt it was a step forward.
12. Our key verse is Proverbs 18:21. What does “will eat its fruits” mean?
13. What does Proverbs 25:15-16 teach is possible? What does this mean?
Thursday-Friday Sermon: (Not free but excellent)
If the link doesn’t work, please visit this url: http://www.gospelinlife.com/words-5459.html
Saturday
14. What is your take-a-way and why?
184 comments
Oh, my Dee….I’m on my way to being out the door to church. But HAD to take a moment to just say THANK YOU. Oh, how I have been pondering this very thing! I love how you talk about a careless “word” – singular….even ONE WORD (or sometimes one look) has enormous power with our dear daughters. Deborah Tannen and her book “You’re Wearing THAT?” has helped me profoundly. You mentioned this book when I asked for prayer over a heartwrenching argument with my daughter and I promptly bought it! 🙂 “Meta-messages” was my take away and SO critical for mother/daughter relationships – so true. But what a blessing that Jesus is here for us….as we ponder and repent….as we seek His heart for our daughters (and all of our dear ones) ….as we ask Him to tend to our hearts so that our of the overflow of our hearts will flow the Spirit!! THEN our daughters and dear ones will be blessed indeed. “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Sitting with these words of Jesus stops me in my tracks. You will never know how much I savor your sharing from your family life. Not sugar coating, but being REAL about how our spiritual battle is for a lifetime. And yet, so much HOPE. 🙂
Jackie — you brought tears to my eyes. Your heart-wrenching argument with your daughter. Oh how I felt for you. These dearest of relationships can tear asunder our hearts and how we need wisdom from Him. I see it in you and we learn from one another by being real. So thankful for that.
Jackie, I echo your appreciation about how Dee shares from her family life, “not sugar coating, but being REAL about how our spiritual battle is for a lifetime.” I do hope (and pray) that you and your daughter (Jess?) have been able to talk through your argument and that there has been reconciliation?
Oh yes dear Susan – glad I scrolled back to see this from you….because I had shared on the FB prayer page some here would have missed that….but the next morning I received a text from Jes saying something like this “If I come out to the farm today can we just pretend yesterday never happened?”. And so it was. In a GOOD way. I so very much believe that God in His mercy heard the cries of so many on Jes’ behalf and worked a softening in her heart almost immediately! While I know sometimes the path to reconciliation looks different and goes on much, much longer….well, I just rejoice in how quickly He revealed His hand in this instance…..with Jes I am always keenly aware of our days being like dust in the wind. 🙁 God is very good to us. 🙂
So glad to hear the answer to prayers, Jackie!
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why? The realization that my words can crush my children, and those words aren’t purely mistakes but overflow from a heart that still needs the light of Christ in dark deceitful areas. God, search me…
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments? Two things. One I am so very grateful for my mother. She is amazing and I can count on one hand the times we have had “conflict.” We do have differences in opinions but have never really fought. Even in my difficult years I remember soft answers, support, and love, always love. She is my gospel picture on this earth.
And two, I found myself getting somewhat angry as Ms. Tannen’s spoke about hair…. I do not understand why women have to be so judgmental?! I know this wasn’t her intent in her comments but my mind drifted to how we should just love one another…. Why do we make judgments based on someone’s hair? (Some of this reaction may be defensive as I am a plain Jane – no makeup, simple hair, fashion challenged…) Do I do this judgment, too? Something to think on….
Also, Jill — my sisters and I always laughed at how our mother would lift our bangs out of our eyes and say, “Wouldn’t you like a little perm?”
Jill, I relate to your frustration about how we can be judgmental, even about things like hair. If we are women who prefer to be more “plain” – minimal hair, make-up, jewelry, we may be judgmental towards women who are “flashier”…and vice versa. I cannot tell you the number of times after I started to have my children that I would see my mom and she would say to me, “Did you comb your hair today?” Being a mom of young children, on any given day, I most likely hadn’t brushed my hair! But it would bother my mom, because she thought keeping a neat and more polished appearance was important…may have been more important to women of her generation.
What a testimony of your mother to inspire us all — “my gospel picture on earth”
Wow. ALL so good. I have gleaned much from Deborah Tannen as well, and I also like Leslie Vernick’s little booklet “Forging a Strong Mother-Daughter Bond”. I feel this truth is so relevant to so many situations, beyond the mother/daughter relationship too. I have seen the power of my words to hurt. I am convicted by what it reveals of my heart, but also encouraged that we are given the reminder of where the root lies. As I read this post, the word “fear” came to mind. So often I think, when we give, or are given, unsolicited advice (personally, that’s often been the dagger for me!), Dee is so right in that the desire is to help, to not have mistakes repeated–beneath is fear. Fear can also lead to manipulation tactics, using guilt…but how KEY to remember that we have the power of prayer! He will work on our behalf, rather than trusting in our unreliable, reckless, destructive tongues!
Something else struck me too–I can apply this truth about our words and heart, when I hear words that hurt. Instead of only seeing my pain, I can remember it is a reflection of what is going on in their heart–their pain–I’m given glimpse of a window “in”. Usually I’ve only been able to view it this way after the fact!, but it does help me to remember that the words that hurt me most are usually coming from a a place of insecurity and pain that often has nothing to do with me, but can also be a subject of prayer for me, for that person–and help in my understanding.
Nuggests of gold:
we have the power of prayer! He will work on our behalf, rather than trusting in our unreliable, reckless, destructive tongues!
words that hurt me most are usually coming from a a place of insecurity and pain that often has nothing to do with me, but can also be a subject of prayer for me, for that person–and help in my understanding.
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?
The sweet summer girlies!
May the work you are doing here with this subject matter be fruitful in the lives of those little cuties.
That my words matter, that if I am unwise I will leave a path of destruction with my tongue.
This is topic is timely, Bill and I have had a major discussion that caused pain to both of us this weekend. My examining my thought life lead me to share with him some of the wrong thinking I listen to, and some of the deep insecurities I have. He isn’t great at hearing me. I feel like if he can’t make sense of what I am saying, I am on my own. So the I feel worse for having spoken as he is now crushed too. I have been trying to dismantle my inner yuck though prayer and drawing near to God, but I was convicted more than once that I am not being honest, I was sort of escaping the need to talk about these things with him out of fear. So I laid open my heart, but I know I’ve left him feeling confused and inadequate and I feel scared and so very very fragile. I want to repent of my sin in giving my thought life over to and believing in lies. I pray God will teach my husband how to empathize with me even if he doesn’t understand me or feels defensive. I wish he knew how to do the “Poor Dee Dee” thing that Steve did for you Dee.
I don’t want to make my husband feel like a failure with my tounge.
oh Chris, praying again for you and Bill–so much raw pain, and that ache of when those closest to us here on earth feel so far away from understanding our emotions–praying for His love to lead and cover you both
Chris – I think your last sentence is key …..and I believe God WILL honor your vulnerable heart in this. “I don’t want to make my husband feel like a failure with my tongue.”….to this I add my hearty amen. When the Lord is doing deep business in my heart, I find that sometimes I just cannot find the words to express the mysteries of the Spirit’s work. I’m sure the content of our conversation was entirely different, but my husband and I also had a blunt talk last Thursday night….his birthday. 🙂 We had a fantastic dinner on the water and then some very brutally honest conversation. Though it WAS painful and at times awkward, it was also respectful and needful. And I know the Lord was a part of the conversation.
“I want to repent of my sin in giving my thought life over to and believing in lies.” When your soul speaks these words of “repentance unto life”, I see Jesus sweeping you up in His arms and cradling you tenderly. No safer, sweeter place to rest. Praying for your fears and fragile feelings….and yes, for your husband to be at peace with where God is calling you to go in your inner life. Meanwhile…..you can rest in your Redeemer’s embrace. How I am praying this for you, dear Chris, tonight.
Thank you Dee, Lizzy, Jackie & Nanci. We had further conversation today, things feel less tenuous this evening. I owned more of my sin to him today.
Yesterday was the 5 year day, we had our last supper with our best friends and today helped our son and his wife with packing up their house.
I don’t like change. It is super hard to lose people so close to our hearts all at the same time.
I work the next two days and then will drive with our son and his wife as they relocate to Las Vegas. I plan to try to get well into the study before I leave…I need it so badly.
I will be driving out with my Daughter in law who is buddhist. I bought serval books on tape from Dr. Rosalie de Rosset’s recommended reading list. I dearly love this girl and she loves me, pray if you will, for clear opportunities perhaps provided by the books we will listen to for me to have gospel centered conversation with her.
Chris, I read your above post, too, about your conversation with Bill. What I love about you is that you don’t shy away from really looking deeply inside of yourself…hard because it caused him some confusion but you took the risk to expose your heart. I will pray for your time with your daughter-in-law in the car. I also love Dr. Rosset! What a great idea to listen to books; the power of story. I’d love to know the books you selected. You are being sensitive to her. I feel for your sense of loss, though, because they are moving so far away. And for the pain in marking another year without Daniel. You’ve been through so much, Chris. Prayers going up for you.
Thank you Susan & Diane, you sisters all are really a balm to me.
Susan the books I chose are To Kill a Mockingbird, Moby Dick, Frankenstein, Dinner at Homesick Restaurant, & The one I am most excited about, Cry the Beloved Country. Joanne feels things deeply, I have heard enough background to know this story will have us both in tears.
Moby Dick is mostly for Joseph, and probably Frankenstein too, as Joanne and I have already read it.
We will be riding ton two cars with 2 dogs and a cat. It ought to take us 3 days driving about 12 hours per day. Before I come home we are going to go for 1 night at the Grand Canyon.
Joseph, Bill and I stayed there one night in December of 2010, but we arrived at night during a snowstorm and in the morning the whole canyon was obscured by fog. We were standing at the rim and couldn’t see 3 feet in front of us, it was crazy. We had to leave in order to catch our plane. So I have been to the Grand Canyon but I have never seen it!
Chris, you are so brave to keep trying to let God make you into the woman he wants you to be, and to try to express that to your husband even though he doesn’t seem to understand. Keep pressing on, my friend. Praying for you as you continue to walk one step at a time in this difficult season. Praying also for a precious God-touched time with your daughter-in-law.
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
I appreciate her delving into this topic, there is such a need for people to acknowledge the power that words have, I didn’t love that she said we can gain greater power over the relationships by following her advice. Rather than greater control shouldn’t our motivation be to love people better and to speak in ways that encourage?
Ephesians 4:29
ESV
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Chris — I will pray for you with Bill. It is why the hand needs the hand as well as the eye — we need women. Steve didn’t naturally say, “Poor Dee Dee” — I had to teach him. It became a joke, but it still helped.
Good discernment on that Tannen comment. We need it with all authors, but perhaps even more with non-Christian authors.
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?
As I read, I thought…oh how I can relate…how often with the best intentions I have “dynamited” a special moment with just a word or two, alienating my daughters (husband, mother, niece, brother, etc.) instead of loving them well. I am guilty of “blasting” my daughters, many times quite unintentionally in providing unsolicited advice. This is SUCH a timely subject for me.
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
Meta-messages really hit home…I had never really thought about the importance of really thinking before speaking of how what I am saying to another might be received. How often I give advice with good intention but without any thought of meta-messages that are being received. I can relate to advice/comments being intended for good but being received as criticism; I have been on both the giving and receiving ends.
Chris, praying for you…love to you…
Nanci–your reference to dynamite is the perfect picture–oh! Being the youngest of all girls, I feel I had my fill of unsolicited advice and still shrink from it! But I see the way it comes out in me (as a mom, daughter, wife…) is my need to be “right”, which is very closely related to giving advice! You remind me to of this from Paul Tripp: “Love is being more committed to unity and understanding than you are to winning, accusing, or being right.”
Yup, “dynamite” would be an apropos term for those times that I try so hard to influence what I think is positively and end up blowing a perfectly wonderful time with my unsolicited advice. I think you are correct, Lizzy…my underlying intention is for my daughters to “get it right”…my commitment has to be understanding that if they want my advice they will ask for it and biting my tongue to avoid giving it unsolicited. What a challenge…
It is such a challenge — and we can pray for one another. I decided it comes down to my trusting that God can move through prayer — which I obviously lack faith in doing — so may the Lord increase our faith!
Amen, Dee…amen.
What an eye opener this video is!
My mother is no longer with me, but I still look at my hair through my Mother’s comments…My biggest weakness has always been accepting criticism.
Now it is coming through that when my Mother commented on my hair, I took it as criticism, and I never felt that I quite measured up.
Yes, the power of the tongue is so true. I finally realized that advice unsolicited is very harmful. Yet nonverbal communication is also a challenge for me.
I pray for godly thoughts and words and actions. This is especially needed for me in my relationship with my daughter-in-law.
I love the quote of Ephesians 4:29. My prayer is especially to relate to her kindly. I feel very distant from her.
Shirley I once asked my mother in law how my hair looked, she replied “a mess as usual” That sort of thing tends to stick with a person.
Oh my goodness!!!!!
Sunday Icebreakers
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?
“OUT OF THE OVERFLOW OF THE HEART, THE MOUTH SPEAKS.” That is it precisely! I say to myself, “I always mean well, but it doesn’t always come out well.” If you want to ponder the relationship between a mother and her adult daughter, can you just imagine that this becomes doubly true when mother and daughter are trying to plan and prepare for the daughter’s wedding?!! Maybe I should have said “quadruply.” So far (I am almost afraid to say this aloud) Wendy and I have not had any truly serious altercations, but I think each of us have sore tongues. We are almost down to the last month now, and I know the stress is beginning to intensify. I hope we are each able to hang in there. I so appreciate this week’s study — it will help to send me in prayer for control of my tongue.
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
I thought Deborah Tannen was right-on-target. Her remark about “I only say this because I love you” is exactly true. Most of us want the best for our daughters — and yes we want to prevent them from making our past mistakes — so we do feel that we are only expressing our love for them when we criticize — we want to improve them. My mother is deceased. We had some really wonderful moments, but we also had some deeply hurtful ones also. I remember calling her long-distance about four months before she died, and following her “hello,” I said “Hi Mom! How are you doing?” Her response was “I’m trying to die, so don’t make my last moments miserable!” On the one hand, I was glad she felt she could be honest with me, but on the other hand, I thought she had no regard for my feelings when she said that. I was 450 miles away, and there was little I could do to remedy the situation. She was not bedridden at this point, but she was 96 years old. She had a lot of arthritic pain and almost all of her close friends were deceased. I think about this conversation every so often, and I forgive her. I doubt very much that I will live that long, but if I do, I wonder if I am going to be that miserable with others. Probably will!
Oh Deanna, don’t die miserable!! let the joy of the Lord be your strength to the end! I’m sorry your mom hurt you with those words though. And thank you for sharing what you did. I just recently met a perfect stranger who is 91 years old…I will never forget her. I so love gleaning from older women. The wisdom and the love of the Lord in her, I’ll just never forget. In the short time that we talked she told me she just knew there was something special about me as soon as she saw me. She said she’d be praying for me, held my hand and told me she loved me. Twice. I wept. This is the short story version.. but I tell you this because my mom died suddenly when I was 22 years old. She never hugged me, never told me she loved me or affirmed me in those 22 years of my life..She once took my hand when I was 10 years old and put it on my brothers dead hand in his coffin. it’s such a warm n sad memory for me cuz I craved her affection so much. What this lady did now a couple months ago..in her 90’s, and me in my 30’s now..has brought some healing to what I’ve longed to hear from my mother. I’m not sure how to apply this part of the Bible Study as I can’t really relate that much but I wanted to share this. What you offer just here in this study already, and I’m sure there is so much more yet..please don’t stop… While we don’t always know how our words can do damage, we also don’t always know how our words can forever impact someone in a positive way…
oh Susie. I have no words–so sorry for all your deep, deep pain and loss. Thankful for this 91 yr old who the Lord sent to you–and I agree with her–there is something beautifully special about you, Christ in you that we have already been blessed by in the short time you have been here in our fellowship. I am praying for you Susie. Where again did you just move to?
Lizzy, thank you for your kind words and for praying. I’m in Canada.. Moved from Alberta to Manitoba.
Glad to meet another Canadian on this blog. I am from the province of New Brunswick, far east of Canada.
Susie, I know it was the Lord who orchestrated you meeting this 91 year old perfect stranger, who spoke words of blessing to you to bring healing! I am so sorry that you didn’t receive the love and affirmation you needed from your mom.
Susie, Thank you for sharing this post with us! I am so sorry you felt your mother never affirmed her love for you during your childhood. I can’t know this for sure, but I suspect that she did love you, but just wasn’t a very expressive person. There is a lesson here for all of us — we need to make sure that we don’t just love our children, but also let them know it! My mother was loving with me as a child, and I have many good memories with her. It was just that the pains and pangs of old age seemed to take their toll on her. I need to take my own advice here and make sure I verbally reaffirm my love for my daughters.
Thank you, Deanna. I do believe my mom loved me the best she knew how. Knowing a bit of her past, Im mostly heartbroken for her, and wish I had more adult years with her..a hurt only heaven can heal. We can only love as much as we believe we are loved, is how I see it.. A challenge to myself. To really believe God does love me…. To allow Him to lavish His love upon us, in and through us, so we can love others the way He does us.
Susie,
Such sorrow for your young heart. Love that the Lord so tenderly matched. you up with this sensitive older woman. And I can imagine that you are also a balm to her heart .
Susie, so sorry you have carried such pain about your mother in your heart. What a wondrous God we have to give you that 91 year old to affirm you so sweetly.
Thank you for sharing this with us Susie, I am so sorry about your mom, and so encouraged by this woman who saw you and affirmed you, powerful stuff.
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?
You have three daughters, Dee, and I have three sons and one daughter. I kind of “get” boys, but my daughter confounds me on a daily basis. It has taken me years to learn to shut my mouth and even now it is SO HARD!
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
So true about weight and clothes. Not too much trouble in the hair department. She typically is heavier and wears clothing that doesn’t accentuate her body well. It is SO frustrating to me!
Oh yeah, I’m not really sure that I can do this.
I love you Laura !
Remember Christ’s power is made perfect in our weakness 🙂
Right back at ‘cha Chris! And, yes, God did choose those who were imperfect for His work…..maybe I still have a chance!!!
: )
Oh Dee, thank you for leading us to a place that we might otherwise avoid. Your vulnerability in sharing so honestly and transparently from your own life, somehow gives me courage to reflect on my own mother/daughter/sister relationships. Thank you for making this a safe place to expose ourselves to each other and mostly to our Lord.
Jackie and Chris,
Your words regarding conversations with husbands, really resonated with me here tonight. We celebrated my husband’s birthday yesterday and it was a good time with children and grandchildren and my dad. And then……….. today we had a rough conversation. I need the Lord’s help to not speak anxious words, but to let that anxiousness trigger prayer. On the other hand, I need the Lord’s help to have the right heart and courage to converse with my husband about certain things.
1. What stood out from the above and why? So why can I not control my tongue consistently with my own daughters? (or husband, or sons, or friends)?
Needing encouragement from the Lord…… 1) to not become disheartened when I recognize my inconsistency and 2) to press in and on and expect my God to transform my old heart.
Please pray for me this week as we move my father out of his home of 50 years and his hometown of 86 years into an assisted living here where I live in Montana. It is an upheaval for all of us…. he is terribly confused….. we are terribly saddened. Saying goodbye to our childhood home and trying to help our dad through this transition. Asking God for much comfort. ….. and grace. I do not feel strong. But through Him I can do all things.
Nila, I’m so sorry for all the loss – your dad having to leave his home of 50 years (that was my mom and dad’s situation two years ago), leaving his hometown, saying goodbye to your childhood home…these things are all so, so hard. And your dad’s confusion due to the Alzheimer’s makes it so much harder for him.
Heavenly Father, please come running to Nila and her family, to her dad. Please help the move go smoothly, and bring comfort and reassurance to Nila’s dad. Give Nila the supernatural strength to do things that are hard and painful to do, and let Your everlasting arms be underneath and all around them. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Susan – amen to your meaningful prayer for Nila.
Oh Nila ……as I hope you know, I do pray for you daily….but this week is especially wrenching. I will ask the Lord to make us all mindful of your sorrowful path this week with your dad and family members……please don’t be afraid of the grief or feel you need to be unnaturally “strong”. The things grieved are REAL. Let your heart be broken as you walk this trail of tears this week. For this we know: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18.
Nila, praying for a peaceful transition for you all…amen to Susan’s prayer.
oh Nila, praying for you in this hard and heavy week. Thank you for this, it really ministered to me right now: “to not become disheartened when I recognize my inconsistency and to press in and on and expect my God to transform my old heart.”
Amen to the prayers already said for you and your family. This is SO HARD! I pray your father adjusts without too much trauma.
Nila, this is a very difficult time for your family. I am so sorry you are saddened; it is hard.
Father, we thank you for being with us in hard times. We thank you for Nila and her family who are able to be with her father in this stressful time. We ask you to cover Nila and her family, especially her father who doesn’t understand what is transpiring. Wrap your loving arms around him so he feels your steadfast presence and isn’t anxious during the process of moving. Help Nila and her family to be strong through the transition of the move and to have hope that her father’s life will be better in his new surroundings. We ask these things in Your Holy Name, Lord. Amen.
And this old song for old, tired, discouraged hearts that need heartening. Because sometimes the song becomes the prayer. Keith Green, My Eyes Are Dry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyxoqHBkwqY
Nila, thanks for this song. You always give us special music!
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
That our lives, our words will evidence our source of hope.
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
Ouch
The lack of forgiveness and mistrust in my marriage has led to me building a sort of wall of retreat. At the very smallest hint of some negative emotion on his part I begin to head for my wall. If I feel he is going to retreat from me, I will retreat first, I wont care.
Before coming to Christ my husband wounded me deeply many ways and many times. But he is a new creation now, he really is. He doesn’t deserve the internal dialogue that sometimes goes on in my head. Thoughts that the study here over the past weeks woke me up to. I see that the fear of his disapproval was destroying my ability to love him well. I wish now that this pattern of behavior in me has been seen and confessed it would just end, but I have been around the block enough to know that deeply ingrained sinful behavior tends to circle around and resurface. I thought of this Proverb: Proverbs 26:11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly
There is at bottom an issue of unbelief. If I trust God to be and do what He says Is and will do, I can relate to my husband in a way that makes me vulnerable to hurt. I don’t want to be a slave to this sin anymore.
Chris, your number 3 is perfect.
Thank you for sharing about your husband. I struggle with the same feelings of “retreat!” before I get hurt and go silent. Seeing this in a new way this morning after doing the questions and then reading your responses…. It is unbelieving the promise that He will meet me. Praying for us both this morning.
I am praying for you too Jill, I often relate to things you post thought I don’t often comment. I will try to do better 🙂
Chris, I so relate to the dilemma that you shared with communicating with your husband. I, too, struggle with my habit of retreating and giving up on working out the problem with feelings and words that hurt.
I need to pray and to trust, and let the Holy Spirit direct instead of fearing and retreating.
This study is so relevant to my weak areas.
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
I am going to need to be vigilant, to take my thoughts captive and pray as I see the enemy gaining a foothold there. I want to grow in wisdom about when to speak and when to be silent. Silence and retreat have been more my go to passive aggressive tools for me than words.
1. These two truths stood out to me- SO THE SECRET TO CONTROLLING OUR TONGUE, JESUS TELLS US, IS TO BEGIN WITH THE HEART, FOR OUT OF THE OVERFLOW OF THE HEART, THE MOUTH SPEAKS.
I cringe when I think of what has come out of my mouth toward my boys throughout the years-both good words and wounding spirit words. For the overflow of my heart in those times of wounding words was my idolatry. Yet when HE was the overflow of my heart my tongue was easier to clamp and His gentleness, kindness and love would over flow.
And: AND CAN I NOT PRAY INSTEAD OF GIVING UNSOLICITED ADVICE AND BELIEVE GOD WILL WORK?
I can’t begin to tell you how when I pray instead of giving advice God comes. Either to change my heart, my sons or my husbands.
Thank you for the words of wisdom, Rebecca…this is exactly what I need to be doing…”pray instead of giving advice God comes. Either to change my heart, my sons or my husbands.”
Rebecca – too true . “Change my heart, my sons or my husbands”. I think you have taught us something crucial in the ORDER in which you pray this as well…..first considering that MY HEART may be the one “standin in the need of prayer”. Amen. And this little “formula” is so very easy to remember! A very timely word to my soul this morning, sister. 🙂
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
I totally agree with her. I have given SO MUCH unsolicited advice to my boys I can’t count! 🙁 I agree with her in how that advice gives a message that is helpful but at the same time hurtful. I experienced it growing up.
It is a bit trickier when you have a teenager with Aspergers and another with Autism-one who needs to think about how he dresses himself-matching clothes, even choosing clothes that fit. The other goes way too deep into subjects literally causing his hearer to tune out because it is just too much information to absorb-and when he misreads social cues-oh my. Aspergers is so different at 16 compared to when he was younger. You should have seen him at the DMV. :~(
Continued: It is my responsibility to help my son see how his communication affects other people who aren’t ‘with him’ when he is talking about things-and to help him see how his tone when he talks to someone who is weary from it needs to be more gentle. So I struggle with the balance of helping and holding my tongue-and so I pray! What is SO cool though is God is HOPE. This isn’t the end-He isn’t done with us-this isn’t the whole story for the ‘cinderella ending’ WILL happen-He will fix everything, all the injustices all my mistakes. I have a sense my son’s adult life won’t be pretty unless God intervenes, and I don’t know what God is doing-that isn’t for me to know but I need to trust Him with my son’s heart.
Rebecca — I do think the situation is different with children who are still children — and children with Aspergers and Autism — and yet you are right, more prayer and less advice. May the Lord show you when to speak and when to hold your tongue.
I have been working on my words for a couple of years. My children and I memorized Proverbs 15:1. (A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.) I reflect on that verse often. This is an important issue for me. Your comment about being “slow to speak” stood out to me. Patience and contemplation are always an asset! From the video, I took away the point that if someone isn’t actually doing something WRONG, advice isn’t needed. So true.
Welcome, Erica. Yes — strong point from the video!!
Erica – thank you so much for such a timely reminder of Proverbs 15:1…..indeed, a great verse for frequent reflection and heart tune ups! 🙂 I find that in my own “Jackieness” I simply have no power over harsh words in the heat of attack…..but oh, the immense power of the Spirit when I take that split second to invite Him to take over…..when I repent in the moment of my need to “have my say”! The Spirit speaks soft words with dynamite power!
You may have posted here before, but I haven’t seen it if so. I wanted to extend a warm welcome to you Erica! I’m hoping to see more from you, as we all benefit so and grow through our interactions here. As my pastor mentioned to us yesterday about gathering together – you just never know who the Lord wants you to encourage and you don’t want to miss that precious opportunity. 🙂 Your have encouraged my heart here this morning in our “cyber-gathering”!
Welcome, Erica…glad that you will be joining our study!
Welcome Erica!
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?
First, the pictures of the grandkids…carefree summer days! So glad you get to enjoy them at your cabin, Dee! Secondly, once again Dee, you are so honest to pull the curtain back on your life. You do have a beautiful family, yet you admit your own weaknesses and flaws, refusing to wear a mask. It encourages all of us to be honest with ourselves and others. “But I can ruin a perfect day in a moment with a careless word to my adult daughter.” I have ruined many days with my tongue! Reading how mothers want to “help” by giving unsolicited advice, I thought also of our idol of power/control which can appear through those “sideways comments” and are a form of manipulation. How many times are my “helpful” comments really my wanting to control my daughter? One example is this: my daughter has the most beautiful eyebrows; they perfectly frame her eyes. So when she started plucking them, I would offer “advice”, saying that why do you want to thin out those beautiful full eyebrows you have? Of course she heard, you don’t like the way they look now. I know that with this type of comment and others I am making this mistake because my daughter has said to me, more than once, “Why are you criticizing me?” or “You’re so critical!” I need this week!
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
She has some really good insights about communication that can be applied to all relationships, not just between mom and daughter. The “meta-message” – I offer a suggestion and my daughter hears criticism – yes. Hair, clothes, and weight – I hope I never offer suggestions about my daughter’s weight; that can lead to real trouble. One thing she said at the end about how learning and applying the material in her book will give you control over the relationships that matter to you the most – an idol of control can be the motivation to bite our tongues and to watch what we say. That doesn’t seem like real transformation of the heart. I also think that having an idol of approval can also motivate the way we speak to others; if I am dependent upon the other person’s approval and love, I don’t want to say anything that may cause me to experience rejection and loss of their approval. So this is tricky stuff. I do want good relationships with my children, I don’t want to criticize them, yet my motives can be all mixed up because my heart is deceitful. Also, to even say we can have “control” is an illusion. We can do everything right, and it doesn’t guarantee a good relationship.
Good insight on Tannen, Susan.
And yes, we all need this week!
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main points of the parable. Oh my. WHO Jesus is speaking to here is of utmost importance…..as well as the context in which he is speaking to them. In verses 22-32 Jesus has healed a blind and mute man – and the Pharisees attributed Jesus’ power to cast out demons to Satan, leading Jesus to answer them and warn them about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit…..in verse 30 Jesus says “Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters.” I don’t think fence sitting is recognized by Jesus as a valid postition!! When I think of the years that I lived AGAINST JESUS…..sorrow.
So I guess that coming into our passage in verses 33-37 Jesus is speaking to the Pharisees, who in our day would be….? The religious leaders? Or maybe outwardly religious people? Certainly NOT the drug dealer on the prostitute or the intellectual atheist trying to persuade others. Though the principles would be for all mankind, it seems to me that Jesus is speaking to those who perhaps wear masks – hypocrites is the word we use. “Religious” people. The warning is severe, culminating with a look forward to the day of judgement. I think Jesus is saying that we can fool ourselves and we only THINK that we are hiding behind our masks – but fruit speaks in a true language. Fruit – the Scriptures are replete with the concept of the fruit of a life telling the story of a life. Though fruit can manifested in many ways, Jesus directly tackles the words of our mouths and their direct tie in to the state of our hearts here. It’s interesting to me that Jesus, whose heart was perfectly righteous, doesn’t back away from truth telling when it is the outwardly religious that he is confronting – “You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil?” Ouch. His seemingly harsh words and truth telling most certainly flow out of his perfect heart of love.
But the particular verse that I find myself squirming and wrestling with is verse 36: “I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give an account for every careless word they speak.” Careless words. One of the themes of our study this week. The phrase “well, shut my mouth” come to mind. Obviously, this doesn’t mean never speaking. But it does seem to set up passages such as James chapter 3 (the power of the tongue) and so many others…..taking care with our hearts and guarding our hearts in Christ above all else. Proverbs 4:23 is a good friend of mine’s life verse: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Serious heart checks and work are “above all else” so needed in my own life. For, as Jesus tells us here….one day my words will be evidence that my life has been justified – only by God’s amazing grace!!
That verse of “every word” has always made me squirm too. How I need grace!
So good, Jackie…you bring such depth.
Thank you Jackie, so much wisdom in every thing you said. I needed to hear that, I have found that my silence can be sinful. Particularly with my husband, its very hard for me to confront him on issues. In my gut I knew it wasn’t going to turn out well but because he struggles with words and emotionally I cant handle an argument Ive chosen to be quite. I have identified this as sin because my mind set has been self righteous. I can control my tongue and he can’t what an ugly sinner he is. When in truth my thoughts are just as bad. So this is my struggle how to speak in love but be bold against things I know are wrong or will have poor outcomes when my heart is full of hurt from words spoken in the past. I loved the scripture last week Proverbs 28:1: a wicked man flees though no pursues, but the righteous are as bold as lions. I don’t want to cause more damage with my words so please pray for me I need major wisdom.
Hi Nicole, Yes I will pray for you! I have read some of your posts and you have such a tender heart..I like your latest and how you brought out how Jesus held his tongue-how he could have said so much more but always said and asked questions in His perfect timing-how we need Him to mold us more! I love how you always point to Jesus.
3. The parable is describing two types of people; those who are truly evil in their hearts but look good on the outside, and those who are really good. Both will have to answer for their words in the end.
What if you know what you say is wrong but can’t help yourself from saying it? I’m thinking of this being sort of like an addiction of sorts; or a bad habit that is hard to break. If you know you are wrong and ask forgiveness but can’t seem to stop, does God know this and take it into account? I know I am not perfect and my mouth has been a weapon over the years. I have gotten better, but alas, I still draw the sword at times!
Laura – your questions are tough and real. And it IS so hard because I do believe that certain temperaments and personalities are more prone than others to the sins of the tongue – but we ALL struggle with the HEART. And Jesus speaks to the HEART. Be patient with yourself Laura. This walk with Christ is a lifelong process – look at Dee’s transparency to share with us here that she STILL struggles with words. 🙂 And I think one of the most important things for all of us is to back up a step and tend to our HEARTS long before the heat of the moment conversations! Right here in our passage in Matthew Jesus says it: “for out of the heart the mouth speaks”. We can guard our hearts through the Scriptures, prayer and fellowship with other believers……. We will never be perfect in this life on earth. But we WILL be ever changing, ever growing……patience again. 🙂 I so see this growth in you Laura…..time and time again. God has brought some very, very hard things into your life with Him….and rather than you bailing on your faith, I see you running to Him – over and over again. Beautiful.
Oh Jackie! Thank you so much for helping me through! You are a sweet sister to hang in there with me 🙂 You are right…. a lifetime of learning….it makes it fun to try and figure out when He will impress Himself on me again. I am a loyal follower, even when life is seemingly hopeless. I couldn’t not love Him; He has loved me through it all. I wouldn’t know how to live without him. I know He knows what’s best for me.
Oh Laura – WHAT a testimony is overflowing from you!! You remind me SO MUCH of the wonderful, irrespressible Disciple Peter!!! Take a look at John 6;66-69……”Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life….”. I believe that same passion for the Savior beats in your heart sister. 🙂 Oh, how you bless me.
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable. You are what you are, there is no hiding behind fluff or words. Just listened to Paul Tripp last night and his “apple nailing” analogy. It’s the heart. Just because you nail apples to the tree doesn’t make the tree itself any different.
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. how has what is in your heart come out in direct of passive aggressive ways? I can see much more passive aggressive ways… While I might term it “conflict avoidance” it really keeps me in the middle of conflict because I refuse to deal with it. It’s always selfishness! I want what I want, which is ironic, especially in regards to my family, because I pray that God would give me gospel love for them, and how can gospel love love best? In hardship, in challenge. These things are a gift to have Him love through me, to minimize me and increase Him!
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person? Seeking Christ. The beauty of Christ melts me and humbles me. “If it’s a heart issue then it’s a worship issue” (Paul Tripp) so I must realign my worship from what I want to Him. I must ask Him to change my heart BUT THEN I must be willing to move forward, toward that person and bless them, not just sit back and wait for things to warm up. To forgive I must bear the price and stop repeating. I must bear the price and quit (internally) demanding my subjects to do as I wish… (a bit of sarcasm there but truly isn’t that my attitude when I do these things?!) I must say I am sorry, both the the individuals and to God. “God be merciful to me, a sinner.”
You are what you are, but when you come to Christ he grafts you in and changes you.
Jill – how I love your words about “bearing the price” from your #5 answer. True, true, true. And utterly impossible without the Spirit!! Here’s a terribly mundane example from my own life this summer…..when my husband uses the very last of the lawn mower gas early in the morning (because he avoids going to the gas station til the last possible moment – I kinda do get that!!) and doesn’t even tell me….AGAIN…I can respond by A.) tromping out to the field he is mowing on the tractor, empty gas can in hand ….and dramatically FLING the empty can at him!! OR…..B.) I can immediately begin to talk to Jesus…..tell him how frustrated I am….REPENT….and pick up the can as well as a couple of diesel cans for his tractor and drive up to the gas station – praying all the way for God to draw my husband to himself , to bless him and our marraige…..praising God for Who He is and thanking Him for his continual care for me……
This summer I have done both A and B. B is the way of wisdom. It’s like Erica shared above about Proverbs 15:1…..”A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” My actions ARE words too! I can throw a selfish dramatic temper tantrum….or I can repent, pray for my husband and act in a way that will bless him! Again, I’ve DONE BOTH THIS SUMMER!!
Jill and Jackie,
I too have been exasperated with my husband recently and have blown it with both actions and words…..but when I let the spirit work, oh how much better. I “did it right” 2 days ago in a conversation with my husband when he asked me why his opinion mattered so much to me. In that moment I recognized it and said, “because I have an approval idol.” That just turned everything around. Conflict arrested.
Wow Nila – how the Spirit speaks!! My hunch here is that you have a well tended heart with the Lord….and ears to hear….thus, boom!, right in the heat of the moment, it was GOD’S words that came out of your mouth – for the benefit of BOTH you and Tom!! 🙂 How faithful He is. PERFECT example.
Nila & Jackie, it was interesting to me that we’ve all had weighty discussions with our husbands this week, yours husbands both had birthdays last week and Bill’s is Thursday.
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
I definitely have done this before to my husband, although much of what I am thinking tends to come out of my mouth 🙁
I sometimes hold the thoughts inside though, and yes, I can see that it comes out in other ways too…I might get upset with someone else like my son, when he really didn’t do anything. The feelings might build up and I might purposely not do something my husband wants me to do, like being intimate with him. Ouch. But, I can justify my actions because I can’t be intimate with someone who seems to disregard my feelings, right? Who knows that their actions make me upset. It is a complicated circle. Someone has to break it so you can move on. It sometimes takes a very long time, which makes us miss precious time together as God wants us to enjoy. He wants us to be in unison.
“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus,”
Romans 15:5 ESV
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
This one is tough because it can become a habit. A habit is difficult to break. Maybe I could wait awhile and address what made me upset later when things have calmed down. That way it (supposedly) will be “off my chest” and we can move on. I have tried this before and sometimes it just doesn’t work.
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
The main point of this parable is that what is truly in our heart will show as to who and what we truly are. Facades might work temporarily, but ultimately what is in one’s heart will show itself, e.g., a heart of love will exude love, an empathetic heart will offer genuine empathy, a heart of hate will produce discord, a selfish heart will be self-interested/focused.
4. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
I hate confrontation, avoidance is my usual modus operandi. Typically I disassociate, I will not be communicative as I normally am…silent-treatment is unavoidably noticed. Recently my daughter hurt my feelings with an assumption she voiced to me. Shortly after that conversation we had a family dinner; I had little or nothing to say to her. She sensed the silent-treatment which became even more evident when her sister arrived and conversation flowed easily and freely between the two of us. She felt excluded and hurt by our easy conversation and the silence between me and she. The issue was only resolved after both of us felt injured by the other, tears flowed, and a blow-out ensued…not the most healthy means for resolving the issue…yes, I would say that is well within the passive aggressive camp.
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
I need to address issues directly rather than allowing them to smolder in my heart and constructing a wall of protection resulting in passive-aggressive non-communication. I need to think the best of others rather than assuming offense.
It would have been far better to chat with my daughter the following day, after both of us were rested, to clear the air. We could have listened to each other in a manner that truly understood what the other was meaning to communicate. When the initial conversation took place, it was the end of a long, tiring day for both of us, neither were thinking the best of the other and jumped to our own misguided conclusions. As Lizzy mentioned, “Love is being more committed to unity and understanding than you are to winning, accusing, or being right.”
Excellent reminder, Dee…”words that hurt me most are usually coming from a a place of insecurity and pain that often has nothing to do with me, but can also be a subject of prayer for me, for that person–and help in my understanding.”
Withdrawal is a common response to pain — the picture you paint along with the repentance and healing is so poignant.
What a blessing this study and fellowship is…I have read the comments and gleaned much, so genuine and transparent, thoughtful and compassionate. Thank you to each and every one of you ladies for sharing yourself…what a lovely “family” we have here.
Nanci – amen to all you have said here…..I think I need an entirely separate journal for all of the gems I glean here!!
Yes I agree with all above- I just love having this study and I can relate to the video. It helps me realize my mom is only trying to help and makes me realize less words are better when I speak.
Matthew is telling us to guide our hearts, fill it with love and goodness so that pours out. Vs 36 very convicting!
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
My words are the fruit that reveal what is rooted in my heart. They are either words that bring nourishment, life; OR, they can be the rotten fruit of a bitter , dead root—bringing pain and destruction. And I am responsible for every careless word I say. I read “careless” and I think “lazy”. This laziness that lends way to a lack of self control where I begin to rationalize that what I’m saying is true, so it must be shared. Or that I have a “right”, I am entitled to express my feelings and opinions. As I reflect now on conversations , each one has this feel of idleness, of not being firmly rooted in truth and the Spirit, but living out of Self—in motive and strength. That’s a very dangerous place for me to be!
Reminded me too of this in 1 Tim. 5:13 “Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.” There is such a progression—this idleness, laziness, of our tongues leads to such destruction.
Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
James 3:8b “no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.”
Lizzy – I am being so enriched by the way you connected laziness to carelessness. You are spot on I do believe. I had to look up several definitions of careless – and indeed it is defined often by NOT doing something – namely, paying sufficient attention!! Oh, what a gem for my life today. I’ve always found myself just kind of shrinking back from 1 Timothy 5:13…..you’ve rightly identified a progression in this verse….and ugh!, it’s so shameful. So NOT Gospel living. So needful for my own growth in Christ this day – for I can fill my days to overflowing with work and tending to fires as they break out (with animals, yes, there’s just always “something”…..just as with little children…..or any other kind of work! )….and yet, and yet…..be lazy. Spiritually lazy. Chris has been sharing of late about the Scriptures’ admonition to take every thought captive to Christ – I have not done well with that of late. BUT He is helping me to see where I’m weak and to run to Him! What could be better?
Jackie–your gift of encouragement blesses me so much, i need to cling to this “to see where I’m weak and to run to Him! What could be better?” Amen!
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
Oh it always comes out. Ugly ways. Usually though I don’t say as much, instead I pull away—physically and emotionally, hiding behind my protective wall. I fear their darts, so I hide.
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
To risk move closer towards them, relying on the armor God gives me, the safety of His shield about me. Trust Him to carry me and protect me from the darts—He has already taken the only one that could kill me.
I finally got a nice evening break from teachers training. I knew I was waaay behind but want to pipe in here. (Smile). Dee, I so appreciate these timely lessons from Proverbs.
Sunday Icebreakers
1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?
I am guilty of giving unsolicited advice to my daughter through the years. And I have been working on biting my tongue and praying instead and believing that God will work in her life. I so relate to what Dee said here that I just want her to avoid the mistakes I have made. But then I realize in the process, I unintentionally play God in her life.
2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?
Meta-messages. This is so true not only in my relationship with my daughter but with other people as well. I would call them “loaded messages”. I am learning to do a heart check before I say something and if it does not pass the grid of Philippians 4:8, then maybe I should not say or express what is on the tip of my tongue!
1. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
The heart is the source of all that comes out of my mouth. Good things from the heart come out good; evil things from the heart come out evil. I was struck with the word overflow; that would mean over full capacity and has to go elsewhere-I shudder to think how long and how much time it would have taken for my heart to have been filled and then to have overflowed! Yikes! That implies I need to start filling my heart with good things so that it overflows with good things or it would either be empty or filled with something else.
2. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
I would give the person a cold shoulder or ignore him/her. An immature response and a tendency of which I have been learning to overcome. I don’t like confrontation (much rather sweep things under the rug) so I try to avoid those as much as I can and I realize I end up hurting myself and the other person. I am learning to face my dragons and slay them with the Word of God.
3. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
Pray for myself and this person and talk to him/her and be honest. I did this with somebody and I believe it is helping our relationship.
Ernema – I love how you take what Deborah Tannen has to offer from her vast depository of a lifetime of studying human communication ……and run what she has to say through the grid of the Word (Philippians 4:8)! GREAT practical example for all of us to follow in ANY of our reading! 🙂
Also was so helped by your thoughts and comments on the concept of “overflowing” – wonderful!
Ernema, loved your “overflow” thoughts. And Chris complimented it perfectly with Rom 15:13… That He may fill me AS I TRUST in Him…. And overflow with hope, the opposite of hopeless which is how I can feel in my daily failures…
Bing your comments on number 1 made me think of this:
Romans 15:13 (NIV)
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Chris, thanks for the wonderful reminder in Romans 15:13. Peace and joy and hope…overflow…power of the Holy Spirit. Not by might but by the Spirit. Just what I need today.
Chris – the Scripture you shared – wow, the absolutely perfect follow up to Ernema’s good sharing on the idea of overflowing!! These simple words from the Word nail it. 🙂
. Read Proverbs 10:19
What does this teach you?
If I talk too much sin is behind it.
B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”
I was thinking about this. When I feel quick to speak I am usually leaning on my own understanding and wisdom. Even if I am right and my advice ought to be received by the hearer, I don’t have the power to make them ready and willing to hear me.
My mom often said “a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”.
C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
I need to trust God more and my own thoughts less. When I do speak I need to look at why I am speaking, am I motivated by self interest or love?
8. Read Proverbs 15-16 and note anything that quickens you.
These are both from the Amplified Bible
15:28 The mind of the [uncompromisingly] righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
1 Peter 3:15
15 But in your hearts set Christ apart as holy [and acknowledge Him] as Lord. Always be ready to give a logical defense to anyone who asks you to account for the hope that is in you, but do it courteously and respectfully.
Reading these chapters I thought about how I classify the wicked…the sort of person I imagine as wicked. Then I contrasted that with Jesus, how his most harsh words were directed to those who in outward appearance seemed anything but wicked. There is a danger in reading these statements about the wicked to imagine they don’t apply to me. I am spirit and flesh and as long as I live in this world those selves will be at odds with each other, wicked flesh and new creation co exist in me. Understanding the gospel ought to produce humble reliance upon God, not proud impulsiveness in my inward being.
Those proud impulsive thoughts do not acknowledge or honor God no matter whether I let them out of my mouth or not. In some ways my keeping them in my head seems worse than speaking them.
Chris, oh you are always so wise. I just read through an article on pride by Jon Bloom (DG), based on Jonathan Edwards essay on pride…so much of what you said here fits exactly with what He just showed me, painful for me to see. You said “There is a danger in reading these statements about the wicked to imagine they don’t apply to me…wicked flesh and new creation co exist in me. Understanding the gospel ought to produce humble reliance upon God, not proud impulsiveness in my inward being”.
This is what got me in the article, and you echoed: “When pride lives in our hearts, we’re far more concerned with others’ perceptions of us than the reality of our hearts. We fight the sins that have an impact on how others view us, and make peace with the ones that no one sees. We have great success in the areas of holiness that have highly visible accountability, but little concern for the disciplines that happen in secret.”
I trust the beginning of change is in seeing my sin, but how far from change I often feel, about those sins only my family sees.
6.A. What does this teach you?
The verse instructs me to be thoughtful of what I am saying rather than just blabbering away with little thought to my words. The reference to “holding” the tongue dictates that thought be given to what is said, that there be a purpose and plan for the words spoken.
B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”
The “meta-message” realization really hit home…my “help,” if unsolicited, more than likely will be viewed as criticism or disapproval rather than “help.” When I think of times when I am working through an issue, what I really want/need is a listening, understanding ear, a supportive presence…I don’t need someone to try to “solve” the issue. More often than not there are nuances and other things involved that another doesn’t really understand and therefore their solutions aren’t a help. I need to remember this as I feel the desire to provide unsolicited “help.”
C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
Oh no, this does not mean that I do nothing…I can ask the only One who can help for assistance; I can offer prayer support.
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
I tend to think, even though I identify with both, that Jesus is contrasting the regenerate vs. the unregenerate-those who know Him and have His word sown in their hearts produce REAL, good fruit and those who don’t know him produce bad fruit or pasted on fake good fruit. Yet, I identify with both and know that the fruit you see in my life is Him in me. The bad fruit is from me being captivated by my idols, and I admit I see myself as a Pharisee pasting on fruit when I am struggling with unforgiveness, anger, worry and am with other believers. YET I think Jesus is pointing out the condition of the hearts perhaps..The evil don’t struggle for they are blind and don’t have His treasure inside, the regenerate do.
Rebecca – “The evil don’t struggle for they are blind and don’t have His treasure inside, the regenerate do.” Words of consolation indeed. Though we struggle…..we have His Treasure in our hearts!!!!! 🙂
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
Initially, I can have ugly thoughts toward that person and myself wondering if I really did something wrong to cause it. I bend toward self blame or self condemnation and go inward which is just as self centered- not clinging to the Gospel- as that person hurting me is-BUT God is on the move and is freeing me with the Gospel.
oh Rebecca–I am SO much like you in this! Self blame is so my default..for me, I think it stems from my approval idol (noticing how that one seems to linger with me!), but you are so right–cling to the Gospel, believe who He has made me, and that my righteousness comes only from Him, not how I act–good or bad thankfully!
6. Read Proverbs 10:19
A. What does this teach you? I accidentally read 10:18…That if I am dishonest in my reaction (silence, avoidance…) then I am a liar even I have spoken no words. To conceal conflict in an attempt to avoid it is deceitful. However, to be brutally honest in my reaction to the point of slander makes me a fool. So the obvious question becomes where is the balanced middle?
10:19 when words are many transgression is not lacking (oh my…all my lecturing to my young sons immediately springs to mind…) but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. This brings to mind 1 Peter 4:11 (NIV) if anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God…so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.
the Proverb does not say to use NO words but strongly implies using few words. In conjunction with the 1 Peter passage this means to think before I speak and use minimal words to say what really, really matters (the very words of God). I had my own difficult conversation with my husband last night (funny, whatever we study there is always an opportunity to practice and yet it still takes me by surprise…). I used to drill his faults into him in order to prove my point that we should do it MY way. In a sense to prove that I was the victim, very much a vs. attitude instead of a together attitude. But last night I kept hearing the Holy Spirit say, the little stuff doesn’t matter, what really needs to be asked here? What really needs to be brought to light? Not small mistakes, faults, but looking for the first step into the path toward “better.” Toward Christ.
B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help”? Oh this is so hard! Especially when you see someone hurting… But many words will bring transgression- could that be transgression against that individual as much as transgression against God? And usually, for me, there is a sense of “I can fix this! if only I can say the right thing.” Which is self-focussed and not Christ focussed.
C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do? Definitely doesn’t mean we can do nothing. We can pray, frequently, fervently. We can ask questions. A lot of time asking questions to understand better will allow a process in the others’ mind and a small window for the Holy Spirit but I must be humble and I must consider my words (refer back to A.)
3. The point of the parable is this: Our hearts bring forth evil and that evil is manifested through our words. Apart from God we can’t produce holiness. Therefore we have to think and meditate on what we chose to say filtered through the Word of God because we will be judged by our words. Through the refining of our soul which comes from the Holy Spirit & Godly disciplines we will began to produce better fruit confirming our tree (life) as to our promised salvation. Not that salvation is earned but the scripture is clear that those who have salvation bear fruit.
4. I mostly withdraw, remove or ignore these people in my life. I’ve hurt many friends & family just because I wasn’t strong enough to deal with an issue. I guess I’m a lot more sensitive then I would let on and don’t like to expose myself and have used these scripture as a way to justify my behavior. “Well I’m going to stay quite and pray on it.” My best friend actually called me on this and really exposed this sin to me and I am so grateful for her because i needed to hear it and I’ve began a process of healing myself and the people I’ve hurt. I’ve restored one lost friendship so far. I really loved Proverbs 15:28 (AMP) THE MIND OF THE [UNCOMPROMISINGLY] RIGHTEOUS STUDIES HOW TO ANSWER, BUT THE MOUTH OF THE WICKED POURS OUT EVIL THINGS.
5. I think I need to be consistently praying, preparing myself for what the day brings. I think I need to trust Gods ability to guide me. It seem that if i speak to fast I wound and hurt, and if I’m quite the I never deal with anything and people end up hurt anyway. I need to develop a gentle word. I need to seek out wisdom.
Nicole – Everything you have shared here is applicable to my own life. How BLESSED you are to have a friend who cares enough for you to point out your sin. And your heart was ready to hear! And you’ve already seen some of the fruits of repenance – yay!
Amplified version is great here, Nicole.
6. Read Proverbs 10:19 A. What does this teach you?
The ESV says “whoever restrains his lips is prudent”. Restrain is key—the definition: “keep under control or within limits”. I imagine a horse’s reigns. You do let the horse trot and move (this isn’t requiring silence), but you show proper control—not jerking or wayward, not emotion-driven…calm, steady.
B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”
Again I looked up the definition here, it was funny to me—help is defined: the action of helping someone to do something; assistance. If my desire is to help the other do something, to assist, I can’t think of any way better than to listen to their needs, and pray. Offering my unsolicited advice does not fall under the definition of help (but we all knew that!)
C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
Pray, listen, offer help if wanted—not necessarily advice, but just offering to help. Sometimes I do want advice. I don’t want just to be heard, but I usually tell my friends when I do.
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
Ugh! The number of examples I have could fill an encyclopedia! I tend to be a very passive aggressive person and I work full time with people with whom I have a long history of hurt, anger and resentment. It is improving with counseling and this study, of course!
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
I have honestly been praying for these people and by honestly I mean telling the Lord that I know that I haven’t any desire or ability to want what’s best for them, but I know that through the Holy Spirit I can be given the desire and the ability and THAT I do want. I pray for His perfect will to be done in their lives and I know that the Spirit prays with me in accordance to His will.
I also stop my mind from “going down that road” and meditate on the truth of the Word of God.
5. Yes, yes, yes to your #5 Dawn! I have found myself in those same shoes many times….praying honestly and asking God to change my heart, for it is impossible for me to change my own heart. Spending time in His Word to tune my heart to His will and His desires for my relationships with others and my prayer life. When we come to Him in humility He DOES move the mountains. He begins to change US if not our circumstances. 🙂
I am not participating this week as I fell so far behind in my daily chronological reading that I’m using this week to catch up. But, I did want to say that it’s so nice to see Nicole back! I was just thinking of you and hoping all was well, Nicole. Also, I’m praying for you, Nila nd Chris. You are both going through so many hard changes and losses now. Prayers for God’s transcendent peace.
Also wanted to mention that my friend and I finally finished our last Keller book and started this week with Dee’s ‘God of All Comfort’. Expecting to glean so much from it. She is the head of a caregiving ministry at her church so I know she will be passing on the book to others.
6. Read Proverbs 10:19
A. What does this teach you?
I believe it is saying that the more we speak, the more chances we have to cross a line that we probably shouldn’t.
B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”
I know that I am often misunderstood when I try to “help.” The way others perceive the helpfulness might be different than the way I mean it to be taken.
C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
I know the “right” answer is to pray for the person. My mom used to ask me questions like, “Are you sure that you need to wear that much makeup?” Or, she would say, “Laura sure likes her makeup,” if someone else was around, like my sister. I think it’s important to say something if you know a person is hurting themselves. For example, if you have a pregnant friend who doesn’t exercise and eats junk often. I would think saying something might help them realize their behavior could make a dangerous situation arise such as gestational diabetes. I don’t think staying silent is really the way to handle these types of situations. Oftentimes staying silent may be perceived as you being in agreement with the person.
You raise an interesting point Laura with C. Tricky, though, as it may exacerbate the behavior. Would love thoughts from others.
Ok Laura, so I’m lacking a lot of wisdom in knowing when to say something and when not to but I think you should pray “Lord if this is something I shouldn’t say please remove that burden I feel for this persons situation from my heart and mind if I’m the tool you are going to use give me the right opportunity and words. Then be quite and listen to that person don’t say anything and just wait, if God wants you to say something then that time will come. Now for me I have to recognize in myself am I purposely avoiding this person because I dont want to say something. Thats when I know its God but then I still wait for the opportunity. This might sound bad to but I stop and think how much am I willing to do to help this person? Do I have time to invite her to breakfast and make her a health meal? Or can i spare two hours to go walking with her? If I can then my words aren’t empty and they can really be helpful otherwise what I’m saying is just putting another burden on her that she doesn’t need it.
Nicole, this is great advice…thanks for posting it …
“Lord if this is something I should say please remove that burden I feel from my heart and mind, if I’m the tool you are going to use, give me the right opportunity and words”
…so good…slow down, ask the Lord to advise and help in discerning, and wait on His direction.
Nicole this is good…..
“…spare 2 hours to go walking with her…” I think action is where it’s at! Then, you avoid the tongue and help the person at the same time 🙂
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
Jackie gave a really good background as to what led up to Jesus saying this. I think Jesus’ point here is that the Pharisees recognize themselves as the bad trees making bad fruit. Their core problem is that they are lost and their hearts are evil, and out of their evil hearts they accused Jesus of doing miracles by the power of the devil. Yet it is a warning to us all to recognize that our words don’t originate in our mouths. When bad fruit is coming out of my mouth, I need to look for the source in my heart. And He says that every man will be held responsible for every careless word.
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
Mostly this happens with my husband. I withdraw, I act cool towards him. I will be uncooperative. I will take my good old time in doing something he asks me to do. I’ll have an internal dialogue with myself about how bad he is. I’ll make critical remarks about him. I do see the pattern in myself to withdraw when I’ve been hurt and I’m nursing resentment. Example: last week I called my sister. She answered the phone saying, “What, Susan?!” I can’t type her tone of voice:)) She went on to explain that she’d just been stuck by a branch when she was outside working in the yard. I said I didn’t want anything in particular, so we ended the call. But I started thinking to myself, She has caller ID, and if that had been one of her friends or my niece or her pastor’s wife, she wouldn’t have answered the phone like that…why do I get that kind of treatment? My response has been to not call her since then – withdrawal. It is true that I hold grudges, and I know Jesus tells me I’m not supposed to do that. The offenses against me that I hold onto are not in any way comparable to what was done to Jesus, and He forgave.
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
Before I take any action on my part, I need to spend some time with the Lord, asking Him to deal with my heart that is hardened towards this person, and prideful that I feel I just cannot overlook an offense done against the “great Me”, and am I forgetting the great debt of my sin that He forgave, trivializing it? Oh the pride and self-centeredness that is at the root of my being a keeper of records of wrongs done against me! Because I can talk it out with the other person and be all smiles and hugs and still be holding onto it in my heart! I need to repent of my wickedness and see myself for the sinner that I am and how much He has forgiven me. Honestly having an unforgiving spirit is a huge problem for me. It opens the door for Satan to get a foothold and before I know it, there’s a stronghold – a pattern and deeply ingrained pattern that is very hard to change. Didn’t Keller talk about how a wheel makes a deep rut when you go over the same path again and again?
3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable. Such a sobering parable. That my words are powerful enough to justify or to condemn myself or someone else. That I must give an account on the judgement day for what I have spoken or even written. Words either way.
4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
I once heard it said that being married is like having one, big, long conversation. So, of all my relationships, this is the one that has the most possibility for sinning with my words (sin- archery term that means “miss the mark”). Whatever goes on inside my heart in any given hour, either feeds forgiveness or feeds bitterness to some degree. So that my “cup” fills with something. When my “cup” gets bumped (he disappoints me, he says something hurtful, etc.) , whatever spills out of me, is what is really there. No denying. Sometimes I try to carefully manage anything from spilling out, but that doesn’t work well….. doesn’t address my sinful heart. So, Dee has taught me to apply the gospel to the murky waters in my heart (cup). Exodus 15:23-25 tells of the bitter waters of Marah being made sweet by a tree being cast in the waters. So, our Lord has shown me that he can make my bitter water sweet by the tree on which he died, being cast into my bitter water. When my cup was recently bumped by something my husband said, I was surprised when I responded to him by admitting, “I have an approval idol.” The conflict was immediately disintegrated and he responded in a loving way.
5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person? Tending carefully to my heart. Pressing close to Jesus and running to him when I detect elements of unforgiveness in me or in my husband toward me. Often.
I absolutely love this illustration, Nila. Your word picture says so clearly what we are learning here. I want to spill sweet water when I get bumped. I hope I can copy it so I can use it to help others.
WOW Nila…this is a really well thought-out answer and illustration to #4. Love the application of the verse from Exodus. And this, “Whatever goes on inside my heart in any given hour, either feeds forgiveness or feeds bitterness to some degree.” I think it was once when I listened to Susie Larson that she talked about “minding my mind” – really paying attention to our thought life. I find often there is an internal dialogue going on in there, a re-hashing and re-living of past hurts and experiences that only feeds bitterness. I listened to two messages this morning by Charles Stanley about unforgiveness. I am also being impressed by the passage in Song of Songs, about going out to the vineyard with Him to see what fruit is in blossom. What will be our conversation? Would I spend that time with Him going over grievances? I don’t think that if I was “really there”, I would want to do that.
Oh Susan….you brought tears to me eyes with your response….you could not have known, but I remember my mom being powerfully impacted by Charles Stanley’s teaching on forgiveness! And that’s going back 30 years or so. 🙂 I remember her telling me about how freeing it was to forgive someone who had died…..Charles Stanley had given the most simple illustration of actually placing a chair in front of you and speaking words of forgiveness to that person long gone. NOT in the sense of literally trying to commune with the dead – a most serious offense in the Scriptures! – but in the sense of going back to those scarred memories and allowing the forgiveness and the healing of Christ to flow over the memories. I would not have even been a believer yet when she shared that with me, but I’m so thankful she did! And the Spirit led you to bring me a “smiling mama memory” today. 🙂
Jackie, I’ve heard Dr. Stanley give that illustration about the two chairs in some of his sermons I’ve listened to. His program airs on the radio every day at 8:30am, and I listen as often as I can. I know he has been a blessing in the lives of so many…what a sweet memory of your mom!
Nila–I’m off to have some time alone today in prayer (sitter coming!) and am taking these thoughts of yours to journal. SO RICH. Thank you for sharing. What Diane quoted, brought the beginning of tears. I hear your art of writing music in this way you paint the picture~