THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH ARE IN THE TONGUE (PROVERBS AND PARABLES # 8)

6. Read Proverbs 10:19
 
A. What does this teach you?
 
Don’t talk too much! It leads to sin.
 
B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help”?
 
When I’ve felt the urge to “help” and offer helpful advice and suggestions, according to my own son, it comes across as nagging. I know when I’m doing it because he’ll start calling me “Mother” instead of “mom”. He’ll say, “Yes, Mother” and I hear it in his tone of voice. I also know he’s not listening to me; it’s going in one ear and out the other.
It can be hard to wait for your adult child to come to you and ask for advice, but that would indicate that they really do want your input.
 
C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
 
You can always pray…why does praying sometimes feel like doing nothing? As in, well, all I can do is pray… But there are times when I do believe you have to take the risk and speak the truth to someone, especially if it is a really serious or harmful situation. I am thinking of my nephew who died 6 years ago tomorrow (July 31st). He was on drugs. I knew so little then about it. When I and my other sister learned that he was using heroin, his mom, my sister, said that we were not to say anything to him because then he wouldn’t trust her. I deeply regret it. I was fooled into thinking he was doing ok. If I had talked to him, confronted him that I knew what he was doing but that I loved him and wanted to help, would he be alive today? I don’t know, but I will always feel that I am, in part, responsible for his death. The Bible says that God holds us accountable for every careless word, but for also failing to do what we know is right. How I wish I could go back and do things differently. I did not love him well. I was more afraid of my sister’s anger at going against what she said. Since his death, I have heard through sermons that keeping silent, in some situations, is not love; the loving response is to speak up. I am convicted every time for my silence.

6. According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts? Have you experienced this? Explain.
 
I looked this up in The Message: “The gossip of bad people gets them in trouble, the conversation of good people keeps them out of it. Well-spoken words bring satisfaction…” and verse 14a in the Complete Jewish Bible: “One can be filled with good as the result of one’s words.” So what I say can affect my life because my words can either bring trouble to me or blessing. My words also reflect the condition of my heart. Dee has said here, and I’m paraphrasing, that if you have a little light, do the things that give you more light. So my words and how they reflect the true condition of my heart can move me into more of His Light or lead me away into more darkness. Even when I sense the anger or resentment (evil) in my heart, I have a choice with my words. I will never forget one of my Bible study teachers telling us that when we choose to sin with our mouth, we are, in essence, saying I will be ‘god’.
 
A personal experience that was embarrassing to me and demonstrates this: We used to have one of those big video cameras when our children were small. It was always taken along to Christmas Day at my parents’ home. A couple of years ago we got some of those old videos out to watch. The scene: me, my mom, and two sisters in the kitchen before dinner. I don’t know who was filming us…but there was a little gossip going on and I said something about a family member of my brother-in-law…there it was, caught on tape:))When my kids and I were watching this and they heard me say that, it was like “Wow, Mom…”  It brought me trouble as I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had said that.

6. According to Proverbs 12:13,14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts?  Have you experienced this?  Explain.
The negative, defeating, disparaging words that I say to myself or others, are toxic.   They dry up hope.   The Psalms teach us to acknowledge where we are at emotionally.  There is value in the darkness, in the sorrows, in the disappointments.   Something to be learned.   Something to experience about the Lord’s presence through all of life.    But to only declare the negative to ourselves, is to continue to spiral down.   When I say out loud, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,”  I am declaring a sovereign truth that supersedes my current state of emotion or circumstances.   There is enough natural negative self-talk in my head, that I am learning the absolute essential need to combat with declaring out loud what is the hopeful truth.   For me, it often comes in singing that song to the Lord that becomes the prayer to rescue me from myself, or better yet, to declare who He is.   To make that momentary choice to forgive someone – again.   To fill my cup with more of Him and less of me.
 
Dr. Carolyn Leaf is a Christian doctor who has done years of study on the human brain.   She has wonderful information about how modern brain imaging actually, physiologically is affected by our toxic thoughts and then how amazingly, physiologically transformed that brain can become when it is washed by the water of the word.      http://drleaf.com/about/
 
7. How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18?
A rash word, here, is compared to the thrust of a sword.   That could be fatal.
Matthew Henry’s commentary puts it this way:   Whisperings and evil surmises, like a sword, separate those that have been dear to each other. The tongue of the wise is health, making all whole.
And one troubling thing about rash words spoken is that they can become like a tape recording and those words can be re-played for a long, long time.     And so I need for the Lord to renew my mind .   To even erase those messages so that I don’t use them to fill my cup with bitterness.   
 
Thirty years ago, in the little town I was raised in, we lived next door to a Christian doctor and his wife.    His daughter had been my good friend in high school.   He delivered our first baby.  He served as an elder in our church.    We spent much time in their home.    Some rash and quite untrue words about this good doctor, began to spread.    I went to high school with the women who spread these terrible lies and I knew them to be women of ill repute.   The lies took off like wild fire and it was out of control   The good doctor and his wife hired a lawyer.    Many prayed and stood in support of them, testified in court for them.    He was unjustly convicted and sentenced to over 20 years in prison for crimes he did not commit.   The television program 20/20 did a segment on this case.   Many who watched it, could see that he was an innocent man and more people joined our effort to get a second trial.    That didn’t happen.
 
This good doctor has now served his time and is back at home with his wife, living right next door to my dad.    I cannot detect a shread of unforgiveness in either he or his wife.     While he was in prison, I was putting together a book of wisdom for my daughter’s high school graduation, where I invited adults in her life, to submit letters of wisdom on specific topics.   I asked this good doctor and his wife to write letters to Erin about the topic of forgiveness.     Doc’s letter was pages long and I really don’t remember much of what he said.   But his wife’s brief message is one I shall never forget:   She simply said,   “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”   
And this elderly couple, robbed of 20 years together, stripped of his medical license, missed both of his daughter’s weddings……have that beautiful aroma of forgiveness all about them.
Rash words spoken.   Forgiveness chosen.
 
 

8. Read Proverbs 15 – 16 and note anything that quickens you.
 
Proverbs 15:16-17 reminds me that wealth or material possessions do not bring happiness, “Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil”, “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.”
 
Proverbs 16:2, “All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.” This is sobering. Even when I may think I’m being truly selfless in serving, God sees if there is any selfish motivation in my heart.
 
Proverbs 16:6, “Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for…” this is an interesting Proverbs since Solomon lived in the days of all the required sacrifices to atone for sin. Here is a shadowy picture of the good news; Jesus loved His Father and was faithful to accomplish what He was sent for-to pay for our sins. Jesus also died for us out of His love and faithfulness to us. (He remains faithful even when we are unfaithful)
 
Proverbs 16:24, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” It’s refreshing just to read that!
 
Proverbs 16:25, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” This is a call to examine my thoughts, attitudes, and actions; do they line up with God’s way or am I headed down the wrong path? It shows that I can be deceived into thinking I’m making the right decision.

I hate to do this in the middle of Bible study but thought this could reach more of you. 🙂 Are any of you planning to go on Dee’s Cruise in February? It is February 28th-March 5th 2016 and VERY affordable. I am going and would love to see you all there! 

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Just pondering a little more… I need to be more intentional about speaking words of blessing to my husband. It comes so easily and naturally to bless my children, but not my husband. An example…a couple weeks ago, I had visited my parents one Friday afternoon with my daughter. My daughter had then gone to spend the night at a friend’s house, and after my husband came home from work, he suggested that we go visit my parents. I said, “I already saw them today, we don’t have to go tonight.” But he said, oh come on let’s go over. So we did. We spent a couple of hours sitting outside on their patio with them. When we went inside, my mom said to Jeff, Come on in, I’ll show you around. Now they have lived in this condo for two years now and Jeff has been there several times, but my mom doesn’t remember because of her memory loss. Jeff was a good sport and said, Okay, show me around, and my mom took him room to room and he exclaimed things like, Wow – look at the size of that bathtub; you could go swimming in there and commenting about how nice everything looked. I went to bed that night talking to God about how that was a really nice thing my husband did for my mom, and how much they both enjoyed our visit. So the next mornng I made it a point to thank my husband and tell him that I appreciated how kind and patient he was to my mom; her face just lit up showing him around. He replied that it was nice to hear that he had done something right, as one of his co-workers had been giving him a hard time that week.
 
And then, how a gentle tongue can break a bone. Isn’t this how the Lord brings us to an awareness of our sin and leads us to repent and turn back to Him? It’s His great love behind it…His desire not to hurt us but to restore us. I love to think about Jesus and Zaccheus conversing over dinner and by the end of the night, Zacceus was changed.

4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
I tend to withdraw but eventually I’m faced with the decision to either deal with what happened and forgive, or else the relationship will no longer grow.. And honestly, my hurts rarely come from words and actions of others toward me. More often than not, its an issue of wanting something that they have and I don’t. Jealousy? Probably. What struck me hardest about this question though, is realizing how in the last months I’ve withdrawn from God. I respond no different to Him than I do in relationships with friends and family; except that He Is always right! 🙂 My time with Him has become less, and in some ways I’ve been trying to avoid Him. Sounds foolish but He knows.. I had never before thought to see this as feeling hurt or offended by God. N then I read Matthew 11, just one chapter back. John, the very man who prepared the way for his cousin Jesus.. Here he is, sitting in prison while Jesus is out performing miracles. I can understand why John would begin to question whether Jesus was really the One, or whether he should be looking for another. Jesus n John were close and this seems like a hurtful and unfair situation. Jesus’ response to John is that “…blessed is He who takes no offence to me” Just shows me again that God is sovereign and in control.. How I choose to respond to Him will reveal the fruit my life will(or will not) bear. 
 
 

So much to take-away from this week, but two on my list are from Nila’s posts. The first, how the tree cast into the bitter waters can make them sweet. Such a powerful word picture to remind me that only by gazing at Jesus can my heart be melted and changed. Secondly, the story she shared about the town doctor and his wife’s simple but profound words, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
Also, that I need to be more intentional to give a blessing to those I love; it requires being more other-focused rather than self-focused, to be a student/observer of others, to be a good listener. I want to be a woman known for giving life-giving words and encouragement to others. If gentle words are a tree of life, then may my words provide shelter from the heat of the harsh world we live in.
That Dee has read Deborah Tannen’s books shows that Dee is a “life-long learner” – and that’s a good thing to take-away, too!

Wow what a week I have missed. I will have to go back thru this one. I have done bits and pieces but I NEED it all. Needing to go to Him so often for the wounds of words and not wanting to wound with my own or harbor bitterness in my heart.

My answers are long winded.. I will skip writing it all on here this week as there is so much good stuff to take away from here as is. I’ve been enriched, encouraged, and spurred on to search deeper, through all the stuff that has been shared here. So much brokenness and loss and yet the way everyone shares in it together is just so beautiful to me, a great example of what the love of Christ and His children in unity can do. I’ve found strength in continuing the journey I’m on through digging deeper into Gods Word, and gleaning from whats shared here. The example of honesty and vulnerability that Dee displays for us seems to have created this to be a safe place for all to share and learn and grow. I’m struck by that over and over and over again. Apparently I’m not used to that coming from a leader. I know for a fact that I would be holding back much more if it wasn’t for that. I think my biggest take away from this week is to further improve the skill of listening. To God. To others around me. And when my words and actions are hurtful, what is my heart telling me?