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THE POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH ARE IN THE TONGUE (PROVERBS AND PARABLES # 8)

SWEET SUMMER DAYS

MY CHILDREN AND MY CHILDREN’S CHILDREN ARE VISITING THE CABIN 

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SADIE AND CLAIRE PAINTING ROCKS IN EPHRAIM
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CLAIRE AT PEBBLY BEACH
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LILY GRACE EATING CUSTARD IN FISH CREEK
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MIABELLE AT THE FARM

BUT I CAN RUIN A PERFECT DAY IN A MOMENT 

WITH A CARELESS WORD TO MY ADULT DAUGHTER:

FORGETTING THE POWER OF THE TONGUE

TO PIERCE THE HEART.

DEATH AND LIFE, PROVERBS TELLS US, IS IN THE POWER OF THE TONGUE

AND WILL AFFECT NOT ONLY OUR HEARER’S HEART, BUT OUR OWN.

LifeandDeathareinthepower of the tongue

THIS WEEK’S LESSON APPLIES TO ALL,

BUT I HAVE BEEN REFLECTING ON THE ADULT MOTHER/DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP.

MY MOTHER HAD THREE DAUGHTERS

Sisters--younger
Bonnie, Dee, and Sally in Ephraim

 

AND I HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS

Annie, Sally, and Beth as "Charlie's Angels"
Annie, Sally, and Beth as “Charlie’s Angels” in Ephraim

SO I SHOULD REMEMBER HOW I LONGED FOR MY MOTHER’S BLESSING,

AND HOW A CARELESS WORD FROM HER COULD CRUSH ME.

SO WHY CAN I NOT CONTROL MY OWN TONGUE

CONSISTENTLY WITH MY OWN DAUGHTERS?

ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS TOLD ME LAST WEEK

HOW SHE LONGED FOR MY BLESSING.

I THOUGHT, DOES SHE NOT KNOW SHE HAS IT? 

AND YET I ALSO KNOW THAT DESPITE ALL THE ENCOURAGEMENT I GIVE

ONE CARELESS WORD

CAN BE LIKE A SWORD THRUST TO HER HEART.

Proverbs-12-18AC06B7DC-BA35-4076-8FC8-5A5F448295F4

THE HURT MAY BE UN-INTENTIONAL,

YET, IF I HAD BEEN SLOWER TO SPEAK, I COULD HAVE AVOIDED IT.

WHEN WORDS ARE MANY, PROVERBS TELLS US, SIN IS NOT ABSENT.

IN THE SHORT VIDEO YOU’LL WATCH TODAY FROM DEBORAH TANNEN,

SHE SAYS THAT MOTHER AND DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLEX.

MOTHERS WANT “TO HELP.”

THEY WANT THEIR DAUGHTERS TO AVOID THE MISTAKES THEY MADE.

SO THEY GIVE UNSOLICITED ADVICE.

DAUGHTERS HEAR “META-MESSAGES” OF DISAPPROVAL.

THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS ARE WITH

MOTHERS WHO BITE THEIR TONGUES.

WE MUST NEVER FORGET THAT OUR HEARTS ARE DARK AND DECEITFUL.

SO THE SECRET TO CONTROLLING OUR TONGUE,

JESUS TELLS US, IS TO BEGIN WITH THE HEART,

FOR OUT OF THE OVERFLOW OF THE HEART, THE MOUTH SPEAKS.

heart_overflow

Deborah Tannen is a linguist, a communication specialist, with informative and intriguing books — her best known being: “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation.” She is a Jewish Professor and I have learned much from her. The following interview is on her book on mothers and daughters. I think there is valuable advice here, though I think the conflict that Christian mothers and daughters would not be, hopefully, over the transitory issues of “hair, clothes, and weight,” but rather, matters of the heart. But the principles are still valid. AND CAN I NOT PRAY INSTEAD OF GIVING UNSOLICITED ADVICE AND BELIEVE GOD WILL WORK?

Watch and I’ll give you a chance to share your thoughts.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFqwwvvorJ0

Sunday Icebreakers

1. Other than Deborah Tannen’s video, what stood out to you from the above and why?

2. What thoughts do you have on Deborah Tannen’s comments?

Monday-Wednesday Bible Study

www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DZcZZuO6oo

overflow3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.

4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?

5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?

We’ll be reading Proverbs 15-16 and looking also at assorted Proverbs about the tongue.

6. Read Proverbs 10:19

A. What does this teach you?

B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”   

C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?

6. According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts?

Have you experienced this? Explain.

7. How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18?

8. Read Proverbs 15-16 and note anything that quickens you.

9. Read Proverbs !5:1 — have you seen this work in your own life? How is Proverbs 15:4a like this?

10. Read Proverbs 16:24 and explain the power of blessing others. How well do you do this and what could help you do this more?

11. What warning does Proverbs 18:13 give? Tim Keller says that it is vital that we listen to the person with whom we disagree so well that we can repeat his argument back to him so well that he absolutely knows he has been heard.

This week my niece is staying with me and I applied the above to the gay marriage debate, for she has had much on Facebook. I told her I simply wanted to hear her out to understand her. She cried as she wept about her gay friends who just want what other people have. I wept too, and I think the tears were healing for both of us — so much better than vitriolic exchanges. I said little and apologized to her for the unkind ways Christians have entered into this discussion. I felt God’s pleasure. She knows I see it differently — but I felt it was a step forward.

12.  Our key verse is Proverbs 18:21. What does “will eat its fruits” mean?

13. What does Proverbs 25:15-16 teach is possible? What does this mean?

Thursday-Friday  Sermon: (Not free but excellent)

Words

If the link doesn’t work, please visit this url: http://www.gospelinlife.com/words-5459.html

Saturday

14. What is your take-a-way and why?

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184 comments

  1. Nila – every word you shared in #4&5 is golden!  I hope EVERYONE here reads your response!!!  

    1. I went back to read it.  Jackie is right.  Nila’s post is golden.  SO much there.  

  2. As I was going over my notes from the study I did today, I thought of Jesus and how he spoke in parables. He left things open ended. He was never trapped by his words. I went back to the story of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). He spoke a total of 15 words to the crowd. And before he said anything he was quite and then instead of waiting for a response he stooped down and exited the conversation. What WISDOM, only the creator of wisdom could use should wisdom. HE is so WORTHY!! This man was able to say everything need to be said during a three year ministry. For the last 2000 years humanity has been stand on his words. And they’re short and to the point but very deep and always showing us new things. I believe I can speak like him but I have to be quite long enough to hear and humble enough to listen. GOD help me!! Thank you Dee for another wonderful study this week, I feel closer to God today and feel vision spring up in my heart. Proverbs 28:1, THE WICKED MAN FLEES THOUGH NO ONE PURSUES, BUT THE RIGHTEOUS ARE AS BOLD AS LIONS. I also loved what Tim Keller said on #11

  3. 6.  Read Prov. 10:19.  
    A. What does this teach you?
    That I should let my words be few and that they should be measured.   That wisdom is demonstrated by restraint in my speech.   
     
    B. Why should I bite my tongue with adult children (or other relatives) when I feel prone to “help”?
     
    Because my  “helping” can become an attempt  to control a situation or a person, especially a child who is making potentially life-threatening choices.     Reminds me of the quote:   “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.”   Sometimes all that my anxious words produce from the one I am talking to is this, “alright, already, I agree, now get off my back,”   kind of response.   Better to turn my anxious words to the Lord and allow Him to speak peace to my soul and then see what wise words he might give me out of that heart of rest.    Oh, Lord, you know I need help with this.
     
    C. Does this mean you can do nothing?  What could you do?
     
    Hard question.   Because I want to engage in some kind of authentic, meaningful conversation with this person, maybe it would be a good idea to ask gentle questions, in an attempt to understand what they are thinking and feeling.   To find a way to listen better, rather than a way to be heard better.    And in this way, the opportunity to speak wisdom would hopefully naturally flow and could be received, if that person thought that I cared enough to understand them.     Lord, give me the right non-threatening questions to ask.
     
     

  4. I agree…everyone should go back and read Nila’s post!

  5. 6. Read Proverbs 10:19
     
    A. What does this teach you?
     
    Don’t talk too much! It leads to sin.
     
    B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help”?
     
    When I’ve felt the urge to “help” and offer helpful advice and suggestions, according to my own son, it comes across as nagging. I know when I’m doing it because he’ll start calling me “Mother” instead of “mom”. He’ll say, “Yes, Mother” and I hear it in his tone of voice. I also know he’s not listening to me; it’s going in one ear and out the other.
    It can be hard to wait for your adult child to come to you and ask for advice, but that would indicate that they really do want your input.
     
    C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
     
    You can always pray…why does praying sometimes feel like doing nothing? As in, well, all I can do is pray… But there are times when I do believe you have to take the risk and speak the truth to someone, especially if it is a really serious or harmful situation. I am thinking of my nephew who died 6 years ago tomorrow (July 31st). He was on drugs. I knew so little then about it. When I and my other sister learned that he was using heroin, his mom, my sister, said that we were not to say anything to him because then he wouldn’t trust her. I deeply regret it. I was fooled into thinking he was doing ok. If I had talked to him, confronted him that I knew what he was doing but that I loved him and wanted to help, would he be alive today? I don’t know, but I will always feel that I am, in part, responsible for his death. The Bible says that God holds us accountable for every careless word, but for also failing to do what we know is right. How I wish I could go back and do things differently. I did not love him well. I was more afraid of my sister’s anger at going against what she said. Since his death, I have heard through sermons that keeping silent, in some situations, is not love; the loving response is to speak up. I am convicted every time for my silence.

  6. my husband just emailed this to me this morning and thought it might bless you all too: https://youtu.be/TCunuL58odQ
    “How He Loves”-Dave Crowder
    He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
    When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,  And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me. 
    And oh, how He loves us, oh, Oh, how He loves us, How He loves us all…

    1. Lizzy, one of my favorite songs. 🙂 

      1. r-as soon as I posted it I thought of you for some reason, and pictured you singing it in your beautiful, rich alto voice 😉

  7. 6. According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts? Have you experienced this? Explain.
     
    I looked this up in The Message: “The gossip of bad people gets them in trouble, the conversation of good people keeps them out of it. Well-spoken words bring satisfaction…” and verse 14a in the Complete Jewish Bible: “One can be filled with good as the result of one’s words.” So what I say can affect my life because my words can either bring trouble to me or blessing. My words also reflect the condition of my heart. Dee has said here, and I’m paraphrasing, that if you have a little light, do the things that give you more light. So my words and how they reflect the true condition of my heart can move me into more of His Light or lead me away into more darkness. Even when I sense the anger or resentment (evil) in my heart, I have a choice with my words. I will never forget one of my Bible study teachers telling us that when we choose to sin with our mouth, we are, in essence, saying I will be ‘god’.
     
    A personal experience that was embarrassing to me and demonstrates this: We used to have one of those big video cameras when our children were small. It was always taken along to Christmas Day at my parents’ home. A couple of years ago we got some of those old videos out to watch. The scene: me, my mom, and two sisters in the kitchen before dinner. I don’t know who was filming us…but there was a little gossip going on and I said something about a family member of my brother-in-law…there it was, caught on tape:))When my kids and I were watching this and they heard me say that, it was like “Wow, Mom…”  It brought me trouble as I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had said that.

    1. oh Susan–so much here. I love this from Dee you reminded us of “if you have a little light, do the things that give you more light”…I can apply that in many different ways, and it is good..following deeper into the things He has brought me to that bring His peace. I never regret the time in His Word or journaling– when I finally decide to do it! And I relate to the heavy conviction of words said–your video tape is a classic example. It is horrifying to think if someone had a tape of all my words, and thoughts–and of course He does. But yesterday in prayer time He so graciously poured on me His truths of Psalm 25-“Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love…” SO thankful that it is because of who HE is that He “erases” my video tape! 

  8. 6. Read Proverbs 10:19
    A. What does this teach you?
    When I talk too much I am more at risk for hurting someone with my tongue (sinning against them basically). For me it is both: going on a diatribe with my tongue about something, and giving unsolicited advice to someone. 
     
    B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?” 
      If we don’t bit our tongue then we could actually do damage-even if what we say is biblical- instead of helping them. Maybe God’s plan is totally different for them than the way we see it. Maybe they have to walk this path in order to be broken enough to truly turn their face to Him? Who knows? That is God’s mystery. His deal, and it is so easy for me to think I can help God with his timing. 🙂 controlling my tongue in times where it seems so necessary to say something is like an itch that SO NEEDS to be scratched-  it’s hard, but He can help me not scratch the itch.
     
    C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do? 
    I can pray for her, and I can ask God for Wisdom with timing and words, OR I could never say anything at all and just trust God with this person. It depends on the situation, and if the person is open to hearing or not. But I messed up just the other day with a friend and took it upon myself to straighten her thinking out. 🙁
     
     

  9. 6. According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts? the transgression of our lips will ensnare us and we just learned that too many words will include transgression. So by deduction too many words will ensnare me (life and heart), sounds about right. From the fruit of his mouth a man is satisfied with good… The fruit of the mouth = what they say. I can’t help but go back to the overflow of the heart concept  the words from my mouth are direct reflection of what is in my heart. What I say will reflect that I am satisfied with good ( or not).
     
    However, what I say can be a severe rudder that turns my heart toward being satisfied with good (God’s sovereignty and hand) or toward the path still seeking what I want. 
     
    Have you you experienced this? Explain. Yes! Practicing thankfulness out loud has turned my rudder many times. Our family will even start to “play the thankfulness game” when we are having a frustrating day, or bad traffic, or boys fighting in back seat. I have even come to learn that even just making my mouth smile will lighten my heart and turn the rudder to what He has for me instead of what I am seeking for myself. However. These actions must have the right heart behind them, a heart that really does admit thankfulness and trust in His path, otherwise I am just giving in to an imposter/fake facade and putting a wall around my frustration.
     
    I have also seen this in how I speak of people. It is easy to speak freely with my husband about people who hurt me or who are frustrating, but my emotions follow and are convinced by my words. So now I rephrase if it must be said, or I do not say it at all. Rephrasing is much easier when thinking of these people (believer or not) as fellow struggling idolaters, many of them unaware of being devoured by their idols. This brings compassion instead of annoyance or hatred. I have always refused to use certain words about my children for this very reason: I do not want to label them or have them be labeled by their difficulties. even though the terms are common.
     
    7. How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18? Sword stabs would take along time to heal, if they were survivable, but in those days a sword stab to the heart would have been associated with probable, if not imminent, death. I have had some very hurtful words spoken to me and I cannot forget them, even though I have worked with the Lord to forgive them. I pray for amnesia from these things. This makes me shudder to think of words of mine that are being carried by some, some I can remember, and some I probably never knew I said something hurtful! This especially concerns me with my children, what will they remember? What has been a sword thrust to them from my mouth? I pray for healing and amnesia for them as well.
     
    I am struck by careless vs wise. Careless would indicate no thought given, still trying to get what I want, wise would indicate time taken in choosing words and aligning with God, not trying to get what I want but trying to glorify Him instead. The wise would want healing in their encounters with others. The careless care less, have no care for others.

  10. 6. According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts? 
     
    When we speak good words we are blessed (and so is the other guy). It seems like when we speak evil, it spirals into a worse situation than it really was to begin with.
     
    Have you experienced this? Explain. 
     
    Yes! Once something is said, if negative, I have dug a deeper hole by continuing down the same path. It is a natural human instinct to defend what you believe in. It may not always be what the other guy believes in. Asking questions or taking an action puts both parties on a level playing field and the whole defensiveness thing goes away. So, if I don’t like what my daughter is wearing, because I think it’s unflattering to her, I might tell her I would be willing to buy her a new outfit as long as it isn’t “x”….my daughter tends to wear pants when she looks so much better in dresses. So I would offer to buy (take an action) a dress for her if she found one she likes. I don’t have to tell her that I don’t like her in pants.
     

  11. 6. According to Proverbs 12:13,14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts?  Have you experienced this?  Explain.
    The negative, defeating, disparaging words that I say to myself or others, are toxic.   They dry up hope.   The Psalms teach us to acknowledge where we are at emotionally.  There is value in the darkness, in the sorrows, in the disappointments.   Something to be learned.   Something to experience about the Lord’s presence through all of life.    But to only declare the negative to ourselves, is to continue to spiral down.   When I say out loud, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,”  I am declaring a sovereign truth that supersedes my current state of emotion or circumstances.   There is enough natural negative self-talk in my head, that I am learning the absolute essential need to combat with declaring out loud what is the hopeful truth.   For me, it often comes in singing that song to the Lord that becomes the prayer to rescue me from myself, or better yet, to declare who He is.   To make that momentary choice to forgive someone – again.   To fill my cup with more of Him and less of me.
     
    Dr. Carolyn Leaf is a Christian doctor who has done years of study on the human brain.   She has wonderful information about how modern brain imaging actually, physiologically is affected by our toxic thoughts and then how amazingly, physiologically transformed that brain can become when it is washed by the water of the word.      http://drleaf.com/about/
     
    7. How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18?
    A rash word, here, is compared to the thrust of a sword.   That could be fatal.
    Matthew Henry’s commentary puts it this way:   Whisperings and evil surmises, like a sword, separate those that have been dear to each other. The tongue of the wise is health, making all whole.
    And one troubling thing about rash words spoken is that they can become like a tape recording and those words can be re-played for a long, long time.     And so I need for the Lord to renew my mind .   To even erase those messages so that I don’t use them to fill my cup with bitterness.   
     
    Thirty years ago, in the little town I was raised in, we lived next door to a Christian doctor and his wife.    His daughter had been my good friend in high school.   He delivered our first baby.  He served as an elder in our church.    We spent much time in their home.    Some rash and quite untrue words about this good doctor, began to spread.    I went to high school with the women who spread these terrible lies and I knew them to be women of ill repute.   The lies took off like wild fire and it was out of control   The good doctor and his wife hired a lawyer.    Many prayed and stood in support of them, testified in court for them.    He was unjustly convicted and sentenced to over 20 years in prison for crimes he did not commit.   The television program 20/20 did a segment on this case.   Many who watched it, could see that he was an innocent man and more people joined our effort to get a second trial.    That didn’t happen.
     
    This good doctor has now served his time and is back at home with his wife, living right next door to my dad.    I cannot detect a shread of unforgiveness in either he or his wife.     While he was in prison, I was putting together a book of wisdom for my daughter’s high school graduation, where I invited adults in her life, to submit letters of wisdom on specific topics.   I asked this good doctor and his wife to write letters to Erin about the topic of forgiveness.     Doc’s letter was pages long and I really don’t remember much of what he said.   But his wife’s brief message is one I shall never forget:   She simply said,   “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”   
    And this elderly couple, robbed of 20 years together, stripped of his medical license, missed both of his daughter’s weddings……have that beautiful aroma of forgiveness all about them.
    Rash words spoken.   Forgiveness chosen.
     
     

      1. Yes, Dee, many of us were angered over this terrible injustice.    Hardly anyone in our little town of 2500 people were unaffected.   It is amazing to me that the doctor and his wife chose to continue to live here after this whole ordeal.    The court would not allow any kind of incriminating evidence  about the women’s reputations who were testifying against him.    So much and so many to forgive.    His daughter and I are still friends, and she, like her parents, never speaks an ill word about any of the accusers.   She came to her 40th class reunion two years ago (one of her classmates was one of the accusers) and even in that way, peacefully walked out forgiveness.  

        1. Nila – this true story stuns.  When Jesus asks us to take up our cross and follow Him, NONE of us picture something so horrifying and destructive.  It certainly shatters any illusions about the health and wealth gospel.  But it is the GOSPEL that shines in this story.  Only our beautiful Christ could possibly walk out forgiveness in such a lavish way.  Talk about living for eternity and letting go of the things of this earth – this Dr. and his family have surely learned to do so in a deep way.  Heaven will be PRECIOUS to his family!!  I have just now added him and his family to my prayer journal…..for such a brother in Christ and his family surely need our prayers.  And it is a privelege to pray for them.  

    1. * correction to my number 6.      Dr. Carolyn Leaf has wonderful information about how modern brain imaging shows the  actual, physiologial affect that our toxic thoughts have on the brain and then how amazingly, physiologically transformed that brain can become when it is washed by the water of the word.      http://drleaf.com/about/
       

      1. Nila, Thank you for the link to Dr. Leaf. I am interested in her research on the brain especially as she is a Christian. Just had a speaker at our conference who is interested in the same topic and I forwarded the link to her also.

    2. That is an unforgettable testimony, Nila.  I stand amazed.  The one sentence the doctor’s wife wrote is definitely something to keep at hand.  Thanks for sharing.  How blessed this couple will be when they have their heavenly reward in full.  

    3. Wow, Nila! What a testimony of gracious forgiveness. The doctor and his wife are examples of Jesus in the flesh. Thanks for sharing.

    4. Nila–I just re-read your story here about the doctor and his wife, wanted to share it with my husband, and it still makes my eyes tear up– this is so beautiful “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”   

  12. 7. How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18?
     
    “Reckless words pierce like a sword”, and a sword does major damage; it’s not a little cut or a scratch. So rash words can leave deep, painful wounds. A thrust from a sword can kill you; our words can kill or crush a person’s spirit. The damaging things said to us can be remembered for a lifetime, causing pain every time they are remembered.

  13. 8. Read Proverbs 15 – 16 and note anything that quickens you.
     
    Proverbs 15:16-17 reminds me that wealth or material possessions do not bring happiness, “Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil”, “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.”
     
    Proverbs 16:2, “All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.” This is sobering. Even when I may think I’m being truly selfless in serving, God sees if there is any selfish motivation in my heart.
     
    Proverbs 16:6, “Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for…” this is an interesting Proverbs since Solomon lived in the days of all the required sacrifices to atone for sin. Here is a shadowy picture of the good news; Jesus loved His Father and was faithful to accomplish what He was sent for-to pay for our sins. Jesus also died for us out of His love and faithfulness to us. (He remains faithful even when we are unfaithful)
     
    Proverbs 16:24, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” It’s refreshing just to read that!
     
    Proverbs 16:25, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” This is a call to examine my thoughts, attitudes, and actions; do they line up with God’s way or am I headed down the wrong path? It shows that I can be deceived into thinking I’m making the right decision.

  14. 8. Read Proverbs 15-16 and note anything that quickens you. 
    15:1 a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. V.4 a gentle tongue is a tree of life. How often I forget this with those I live with. Sitting here in the quiet of the morning with no challenges, I so desire for those I love to hear only soft words and life from my mouth but then the day gets noisey and they get in the way of what I want and my words reflect that irritation. 
     
    V. 15… But the cheerful of heart has a continual feast. Not because they always have an abundance but because they always see abundance. A thankful heart is happy heart, always seeing something to “feast” on.
     
    16:9 The heart of man plans his way but the Lord establishes his steps. And 16:33 The lot is cast into the lap but it’s every decision is from the Lord. We are in God’s sovereign hands, He guides our steps, we are where we are on purpose, His purpose.
     
    9. Read Proverbs 15:1 – have you seen this work in your own life? These are verses that stood out to me in the previous question. I have seen this in my life with my oldest son. He is so like me and challenges me…my words to him are often quick and stern, and surprise, surprise, we clash. In my own life I always remember my mom having a soft word for us kids, even in discipline, and I do think it turned away wrath. She would teach 35+ kids in children’s church with no helper and all would be still and silent listening to her story. Her gentle tongue was a tree of life to them, they wanted to hear what she said. And how they loved her, too.
     
    10. Read Proverbs 16:24 and explain the power of blessing others. How well do you do this and what could help you do this more? Blessing others with words can be tricky…I personally try to compliment people every time I talk with them, however, I do try to do it with as few ears listening as possible, ideally jut the individual I am talking to, because of jealousy and expectations to then compliment others, or the assumption that if you do not compliment the others then there must not be anything to compliment. But I do believe that our positive words can help against others’ battles of lies from the evil one. I think seeking Christ and seeing others as He sees them helps loosen your tongue positively.
     
    11. What warning does Proverbs 18:13 give? To not give an answer before hearing.

  15. I hate to do this in the middle of Bible study but thought this could reach more of you. 🙂 Are any of you planning to go on Dee’s Cruise in February? It is February 28th-March 5th 2016 and VERY affordable. I am going and would love to see you all there! 

    You can register here or just check it out to see how much you will be paying total-it is sweet just $200 down to hold your spot and then pay the rest by October 31st. Just pick the room you want and there is a column that tells you how much it will be with taxes and program fee:  http://www.eo.travelwithus.com/tours/matters-of-the-heart-cruise-2016#eotours
    Okay, end of advertisement. :))

    1. Rebecca – it does sound wonderful – but next February, if I go anywhere it will be to Guatemala with my church group!  That’s where my heart is headed anyway!  🙂  I think it’s great that you are reminding everyone here though…..who knows how many may be able to attend and have wonderful fellowship and rich teaching together!  

    2. Oh this sounds nice…unfortunately the dates fall in the midst of second semester and I wouldn’t be able to get away.  Hopefully some of the bible study blog sisters will be able to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to gather.

  16. 6. According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts?
    What is said affirms/reinforces what is in our heart…if we are prideful and voice prideful things, pride will be reinforced; if loving-kindness is voiced, loving-kindness will be affirmed. 
     
    Have you experienced this? Explain.
    Yes…when I get on my “high horse” judging another without even thinking about what might be at root in experience or circumstance, I end up feeling judgmental and alienating the other.  When I am loving and kind, my ears open to listening and understanding, and peaceful union. 
     
    7. How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18?
    Proverbs 12:18 says that a rash word is “like the piercing of a sword;” rash words hurt and cause injury to both those receiving and those speaking the rash word. 

  17. 9. Read Proverbs 15:1 — have you seen this work in your own life?
    Yes…when I am calm, attentive, seeking to understand (and not giving unsolicited advice) conversations flow as such.  In contrast, when I am “fired up,” being an “I’m right” fighter, that is exactly how the conversation flows…defensive and adversarial.
    How is Proverbs 15:4a like this?
    Proverbs 15:4a speaks to gentleness being life giving.  If we are gentle in our words coming from a genuine heart, we give life to those we are with as well as to our self. 
    10. Read Proverbs 16:24 and explain the power of blessing others. 
    Oh my goodness, I have a print of this posted in my office as a reminder to myself…:)
    We all want to be treated with respect and loving-kindness.  When treated with respect and loving-kindness, we strive to do our best and be our best in an authentic, genuine manner; we feel united and at peace.  When we are not treated in this manner, we look to the other as a tyrant, we are likely to be “on guard” around this person, not trusting what might be “around the corner,” we tend toward facade and superficiality to try to “fit the mold” being dictated.
    How well do you do this and what could help you do this more?
    How well am I doing?…I am progressing, but still a work in process.  I need to keep in mind to be gentle and kind, I do not know what is going on in the heart of another, what “battles” s/he may be fighting.  I wrote in my date book yesterday in the notes area for August the Ian McLaren quote: “Let us be kind, one to another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle.”  
    11. What warning does Proverbs 18:13 give?
    The warning Proverb 18:13 gives is to not jump to conclusions or assumptions…we must listen and become knowledgeable of the facts and circumstances related to an issue prior to being in any way able to provide direction or opinion.

  18. Trying to catch up. Such great lessons on the power of words!
    6. Read Proverbs 10:19
    A. What does this teach you?
    Not to talk too much.
    B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”
    It is unsolicited and the other person could easily have their defenses up.  I am not sure where I have read and learned this (I thought it might have been Dee).   She said that if somebody is wanting to share a struggle with you which can be kind of like a gripe session, before the other person starts sharing you can ask him/her, “do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen?” Or something to that effect.
    C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
    I should really LISTEN and hear the person. I could also VALIDATE their feelings. I could also pray right then and there. Just like the example of Nehemiah when he prayed a quick prayer before he responded to the question of the king.
    1.   According to Proverbs 12:13-14, how does what we say affect our own lives and hearts?
    It keeps us from trouble and brings benefits to our lives.
    Have you experienced this? Explain.
    Just had a recent experience of this with my husband. He was driving us home after a 4 hectic day for me. He wanted to talk and I just wanted quiet. I said something in reply to what he was talking about and he thought I was being negative. My defenses went up and after an exchange or two, I was ready to give him the cold shoulder. It was good we stopped for a quick bite and I was able to cool off. Between using the rest room and making a food order, I realized what was going on. The enemy was at work again in our lives! I realized my husband just needed a listening ear and as we talked some more, my mind got clearer about what he was saying and we finished our journey with me in a better frame of mind and out of trouble and benefitting with a new level of respect for my husband. And the power of words!
    2.   How damaging and lasting can a rash word be according to Proverbs 12:18?
     It can cut (NLT). As a nurse, I have treated cuts and have seen my patients in much pain. So like my words-they can cause much pain.
     3.   Read Proverbs 15-16 and note anything that quickens you.
    v.1 A gentle answer deflects anger.v. 4b A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit v.7 the lips of the wise bring good advicev. 13 A glad heart makes a happy face. v.23 Everyone enjoys a fitting reply v.28 The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking v.31 listen to constructive criticism C. 16 v. 21 pleasant words are persuasive v. 23 wise words are persuasiven v. 26 gossip separates the best of friends v.32 better to have self control than to conquer a city My words are powerful-they can make a significant impact in my life and other people’s lives!
    4.   Read Proverbs !5:1 — have you seen this work in your own life? How is Proverbs 15:4a like this?
     Yes. I have seen this the last three weeks as I related to many people at the conference and teachers training. An attendee brought to my attention 2 major concerns in relation to the hotel we were staying at (I was leading this conference). I tried to be attentive to her complaints and I felt like we ended in friendly terms. The next day, she told me it was taken care of.
    Gentle words are like a tree of life. It nourishes the other person and keeps them growing.
    5.   Read Proverbs 16:24 and explain the power of blessing others. How well do you do this and what could help you do this more?
    Kind words are like honey- sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.
    I can do better at this by:
    a.     keeping in touch with others through a phone call or a card in the mail. b.    Being available to listen c.     Remembering people on their special days d.    Intentionally blessing one person each day
    6.   What warning does Proverbs 18:13 give? Tim Keller says that it is vital that we listen to the person with whom we disagree so well that we can repeat his argument back to him so well that he absolutely knows he has been heard.
    It is shameful and foolish to spout off before listening to facts.  I need to work on listening skills and to lay aside my preconceived ideas about a certain matter before I reply. I need to be able to say, “Did I hear you right when you said…? Clarifying takes time and I often am impatient so I fail to listen well.
    7.   Our key verse is Proverbs 18:21. What does “will eat its fruits” mean?
    Will eat its fruit means will reap the consequences as the NLT Bible says.
    8.   What does Proverbs 25:15-16 teach is possible? What does this mean?
    We can persuade an authority figure;  No matter how hard headed or opinionated the other person maybe, it is possible for them to change his/her mind in your behalf. Do not be too patronizing, though.This means that with our words we can persuade somebody to be on our side or at the least, have that person see our point of view. We can, with our words, change the course of action of somebody in authority and bring about what we hope to accomplish.
     

  19. 9. Read Proverbs 15:1 – have you seen this work in your own life? How is Proverbs 15:4a like this?
     
    This verse says that gentle words turn away wrath, while harsh words stir up anger. There have been time when I’ve been on the receiving end of wrath, and it is so hard to not “give it back”. But I know that adds fuel to the fire already burning. I have found that sometimes only silence on my part stops the tirade; sometimes any words I speak are simply not listened to, or even if my words are mild, the person continues on in their anger.
    The verse in 14a says that the tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, just like gentle words in an angry situation are an attempt to bring healing to the situation.
     
    10. Read Proverbs 16:24 and explain the power of blessing others. How well do you do this and what could help you do this more?
     
    Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Words of blessing – encouragement, sincere praise, pointing out the good qualities in a person that you admire, telling them that you’re proud of them, that you have noticed their accomplishments, that you believe in them – I have tried to do these things with my children over their years at home, but I know I have failed often to speak the words to them that I’m feeling. With my two young adult sons, they can get a little uncomfortable if mom gets “mushy”. What I like to do with them is write them a letter; I did this with my oldest son this summer while he was away with the Navy, writing him and telling him the qualities that I admire in him and how proud I was of him. (I actually tucked one letter in a towel he packed in his suitcase before he left…when I saw him 5 weeks later, I asked him if he’d read my letter; he said “what letter?” Here he never used that particular towel so he didn’t find it:))
     
    What I see in this passage, though, is that I need to be more intentional…not just the “I’m so proud of you”. I need to be more intentional with my daughter, who often lacks confidence in herself. I think this teaches me to be a more careful observer of others so that I can tell them words of blessing for the good things I see in them.

  20. 11. What warning does Proverbs 18:13 give?
     
    This verse warns us not to give an answer before listening. I can have a hard time with not wanting to jump in with an answer or advice. It shows the difference between “talking at” someone, and “talking with”-which means I must listen first.
     
    12. Our key verse is Proverbs 18:21. What does “will eat its fruits” mean?
     
    The tongue has power over life and death; those who indulge it must eat its fruit. I get the idea that indulging the tongue, or loving to talk, is letting my mouth run loose and saying whatever I want; it’s reckless speech and eating its fruits would mean I will suffer the consequences of my words; things like strained or broken relationships, people not wanting to be around me and the resulting loneliness and isolation.
     
    13. What does Proverbs 25:15-16 teach is possible? What does this mean?
     
    It is possible to speak to someone in a patient, gentle way and get through to them. You don’t have to get all fired-up and start raising your voice and trying to convince with arguments. I think we often think that in order to persuade someone, we have to keep battering away at them to make them see that we’re right and they’re wrong. If a ‘gentle tongue can break a bone”, it can only carry such power if the other is convinced, deep down, that you love them no matter what.

  21. Just pondering a little more… I need to be more intentional about speaking words of blessing to my husband. It comes so easily and naturally to bless my children, but not my husband. An example…a couple weeks ago, I had visited my parents one Friday afternoon with my daughter. My daughter had then gone to spend the night at a friend’s house, and after my husband came home from work, he suggested that we go visit my parents. I said, “I already saw them today, we don’t have to go tonight.” But he said, oh come on let’s go over. So we did. We spent a couple of hours sitting outside on their patio with them. When we went inside, my mom said to Jeff, Come on in, I’ll show you around. Now they have lived in this condo for two years now and Jeff has been there several times, but my mom doesn’t remember because of her memory loss. Jeff was a good sport and said, Okay, show me around, and my mom took him room to room and he exclaimed things like, Wow – look at the size of that bathtub; you could go swimming in there and commenting about how nice everything looked. I went to bed that night talking to God about how that was a really nice thing my husband did for my mom, and how much they both enjoyed our visit. So the next mornng I made it a point to thank my husband and tell him that I appreciated how kind and patient he was to my mom; her face just lit up showing him around. He replied that it was nice to hear that he had done something right, as one of his co-workers had been giving him a hard time that week.
     
    And then, how a gentle tongue can break a bone. Isn’t this how the Lord brings us to an awareness of our sin and leads us to repent and turn back to Him? It’s His great love behind it…His desire not to hurt us but to restore us. I love to think about Jesus and Zaccheus conversing over dinner and by the end of the night, Zacceus was changed.

  22. im just a little behind here..been mulling over a few passages n thoughts throughout the week…and reflecting on where I’m at..  I’ve been so blessed by everyone else’s insights n real conversations here. How rich and alive is His Word that we can all read the same Scripture and apply it to our own unique journey! I’m encouraged!
    3. Read Matthew 12:33-37 and explain the main point of the parable.
    My words and actions reveal who is in control of my heart, the “wellspring of life”. Is it me, or am I allowing the Holy Spirit to live through me? It’s somewhat overwhelming when I realize that no words or actions from me can be excused as “accidental” but actually mirror the condition of my heart. 

  23. 4. Think about times when you have hidden hatred or anger or a lack of forgiveness toward someone with whom you spend a fair amount of time. How has what is in your heart come out in direct or passive aggressive ways?
    I tend to withdraw but eventually I’m faced with the decision to either deal with what happened and forgive, or else the relationship will no longer grow.. And honestly, my hurts rarely come from words and actions of others toward me. More often than not, its an issue of wanting something that they have and I don’t. Jealousy? Probably. What struck me hardest about this question though, is realizing how in the last months I’ve withdrawn from God. I respond no different to Him than I do in relationships with friends and family; except that He Is always right! 🙂 My time with Him has become less, and in some ways I’ve been trying to avoid Him. Sounds foolish but He knows.. I had never before thought to see this as feeling hurt or offended by God. N then I read Matthew 11, just one chapter back. John, the very man who prepared the way for his cousin Jesus.. Here he is, sitting in prison while Jesus is out performing miracles. I can understand why John would begin to question whether Jesus was really the One, or whether he should be looking for another. Jesus n John were close and this seems like a hurtful and unfair situation. Jesus’ response to John is that “…blessed is He who takes no offence to me” Just shows me again that God is sovereign and in control.. How I choose to respond to Him will reveal the fruit my life will(or will not) bear. 
     
     

  24. 5. What, therefore, would improve your words and your relationship with this person?
    First n foremost, deal with my pride issue. I have no right to carry the hurt or react to it. I’m not one to get angry or become outspoken if I’ve been hurt. But I do sometimes act like a poor victim, which isnt good either. Honesty and communication is always good, whether it’s with a human or with God. 
    It is much more difficult when I’m the one that has hurt and offended someone. Several months ago I received a text from a friend explaining how I had really hurt her, and what made it so much worse was that I didn’t even know it. So we got together and talked about it. I won’t go into details but after much talk and many tears, I believe what needed to be confessed was done. But that friendship has never been the same, and I’m not sure it really even exists anymore. What would improve (or prevent) a situation like this is to put away pride and think of and be sensitive to others first. 
     

  25. So much to take-away from this week, but two on my list are from Nila’s posts. The first, how the tree cast into the bitter waters can make them sweet. Such a powerful word picture to remind me that only by gazing at Jesus can my heart be melted and changed. Secondly, the story she shared about the town doctor and his wife’s simple but profound words, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
    Also, that I need to be more intentional to give a blessing to those I love; it requires being more other-focused rather than self-focused, to be a student/observer of others, to be a good listener. I want to be a woman known for giving life-giving words and encouragement to others. If gentle words are a tree of life, then may my words provide shelter from the heat of the harsh world we live in.
    That Dee has read Deborah Tannen’s books shows that Dee is a “life-long learner” – and that’s a good thing to take-away, too!

  26. 6. Read Proverbs 10:19
    A. What does this teach you?
    This teaches me to keep seeking after wisdom! And wisdom won’t be found in the words I say, but rather in listening…and heeding to the One who is the answer!
    B. Why should you bite your tongue with your adult children (or other relatives) when you feel prone to “help?”   
    So this makes me feel too young for the study 😉 I don’t have children, but I have found myself in situations where I’m too haste in giving answers. I used to work in camp ministry where kids from all kinds of terrible situations came to find safety..and love ultimately. I used to get so nervous when a child/teen would disclose raw and painful stuff going on in their life, thinking that I needed to do or say something to make it better. In panicking over whether I would have the right words to say or not, I slowly took the situation into my own hands rather than let God the only true Healer, use me as a tool to bring hope to a hurting person. In such vulnerable moments, biting my tongue and just loving them has been by far the best answer I have ever been able to give.
    C. Does this mean you can do nothing? What could you do?
    Pray. We are called to be disciples, so we can always walk the journey with them; asking questions and searching for answers with them, just be available. 
     
     

  27. Wow what a week I have missed. I will have to go back thru this one. I have done bits and pieces but I NEED it all. Needing to go to Him so often for the wounds of words and not wanting to wound with my own or harbor bitterness in my heart.

  28. My take away:
     Life and death are in the power of the tongue. My speech reveals what is inside my heart. Tim Keller said “Words clothe our thoughts”. I take it to mean I provide tangible substance to what is on going on in my heart (where my thoughts simmer) through my words. Powerful! Therefore I need to be watchful and to nurture what is good and godly in my heart for “out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Oh, Lord have mercy on me-I submit to you my tongue.  May from it flow life giving words. Bring to mind what is true, noble, right, pure, excellent, admirable, and praiseworthy. (Philippians 4:8) Help me use it to honor you.

  29. My answers are long winded.. I will skip writing it all on here this week as there is so much good stuff to take away from here as is. I’ve been enriched, encouraged, and spurred on to search deeper, through all the stuff that has been shared here. So much brokenness and loss and yet the way everyone shares in it together is just so beautiful to me, a great example of what the love of Christ and His children in unity can do. I’ve found strength in continuing the journey I’m on through digging deeper into Gods Word, and gleaning from whats shared here. The example of honesty and vulnerability that Dee displays for us seems to have created this to be a safe place for all to share and learn and grow. I’m struck by that over and over and over again. Apparently I’m not used to that coming from a leader. I know for a fact that I would be holding back much more if it wasn’t for that. I think my biggest take away from this week is to further improve the skill of listening. To God. To others around me. And when my words and actions are hurtful, what is my heart telling me? 

    1. dear Susie, I’m with you sister…”… what is my heart telling me?”

  30. I think this is the best Keller sermon and most applicable I have heard to date.  Pondering and Processing……

  31. This has been an incredible week of learning…the Keller sermon was one of the best, the proverbs thought-provoking and convicting.  The timing of this subject matter was perfect.  There is so much work to be done in my heart…