Whether you are experiencing emotional abuse personally or not, this is relevant, for we are all capable of subtle forms of abuse, and, abuse is rampant, even by those who claim the name of Christ. The gospel can help us recognize our propensity toward it and repent of it. If it is a pattern in a spouse (as our focus these weeks has been on marriage) or one close to you, Scripture gives us wisdom in dealing with it. One of the first scriptural truths we must recognize is that emotional abuse is just as damaging, if not more, than physical abuse. God tells us that rash words can pierce just as much as physical sword thrusts. In marriage, the thrusts go particularly deep, for this is your covenant partner who promised to love you.
This week I will link you to a test that Leslie Vernick designed to help you know if you are in a poor marriage or in an abusive marriage. If you fill out the test, Leslie’s ministry will e-mail back your results. One thing that differentiates a poor marriage from an abusive one is a pattern. We are all capable of rash words, of demeaning one another — but a pattern is evidence of an abusive heart that will keep on producing bad fruit until there is genuine repentance. You will also watch a video from Leslie and her colleague, Chris Moles, discussing abuse. Not only will they help you identify abuse in yourself or another, but give you practical scriptural steps for dealing with it. I know there are active and silent victims of abuse on this blog. May we all pray they will be helped through His Word and His Spirit and that they will, as Leslie puts it, “find their voice and reclaim their hope.” There is hope for we have a God who sees and who cares, just as He saw and cared for the abused Hagar in the wilderness.
Before we begin, I want to share two brief stories of personal testimony. Another who teaches the same scriptural principles and has been of enormous help to me is Jan Silvious. First, it was Jan who helped me recognize my own sneaky form of emotional abuse.
RECOGNIZING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
When I lamented to Jan that my administrative assistants kept quitting, she said, simply, “Seems to be a pattern in your life, Dee.” That was a wake-up call to me, for my sinful heart had been continually blaming my administrative assistants. The tongue of the wise can bring healing. And I knew (partly from Jan’s book, Fool-Proofing your Life) that one characteristic of a fool, according to Proverbs, is that he or she will not listen to counsel, so I wanted to listen. Jan was the first to awaken me to my pattern of manipulation. And then it was sermons on idols of the heart that awakened me to the sin beneath the sin, in my case, control. I saw that I was an idolater. Instead of trusting God to be in control, I was trying to control people. That was the sin beneath the sin.
THE SIN BENEATH THE SIN
My repentance and faith to start turning control over to God has completely changed my relationships. He is turning my heart of stone into a heart of flesh — and that heart is now producing very different fruit. Though this is a daily walk of repentance, I can tell you, and so can those close to me, that my life is so different.
It is important to first look at our own hearts.
It is also vital to recognize abuse in those close to us and to know how to wisely respond.
RECOGNIZING THAT ABUSE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PHYSICAL TO BE ABUSE
Jan is also the one young woman close to me that she was in an abusive relationship. She couldn’t see it at first because the abuse wasn’t physical, and often that has been the only kind of abuse the church recognized. But God her mightily, restored her, and now she is being used to rescue others. I know His long out-stretched arm is capable of rescuing you if you are, indeed, in an emotionally abusive relationship. He is the God who sees and who cares for the broken-hearted. His arm is not too short to rescue.
SECRET FACEBOOK PRAYER PAGE FOR THIS BLOG
Renee has graciously been managing a FACEBOOK SECRET PRAYER PAGE FOR “DEE’S BIBLE STUDY FRIENDS” and Diane has been helping. It is a great place for prayer, keeps it confidential, and helps us keep our focus on Bible study here. That is not to say you can’t ask for prayer here, but it does help to have many of you using this secret place instead.
Two ways to join:
If you have a “Facebook Friend” already in this prayer group, that friend can add you. (Please ask someone other than Dee.)
You can e-mail Renee and ask her to “Friend” you. This is her e-mail address written out so spammers can’t pick it up – but hopefully you can figure it out. She can also help you with questions:
Reneeo at brookings dot net
A big thank you to Renee and Diane!
Sunday Icebreaker
1. What stands out to you from the above and why?
Monday-Wednesday (Test and Bible Study)
2. Here is the link to Leslie’s test if you want to find out about your marriage: http://leslievernick.com/the-
Abuse counselors differentiate between being foolish and being a fool, between an incident of emotional abuse and a pattern of emotional abuse. We are all foolish and we all will have incidents where we are guilty of emotional abuse with unfair and unkind words. So what is it that makes a person a scriptural “fool” or an abuser? Scripture stresses the heart. A heart that is intent on hurting another will also manifest a pattern of abuse. It is the heart, Jesus said, the produces good or bad fruit.
In the video you will watch from Leslie and Chris at the end of the week, they stress the danger of just looking at outward behavior to determine abuse. Chris gives an example of a husband who left cabinet doors open — it so irritated his wife. Was that abuse? You wouldn’t think so — until you learn that he did it on purpose to hurt her. His heart was evil toward her.
3. Read Matthew 15:1-20, asking the Lord to help you really focus.
A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2?
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God.
C. Examine your own heart to see if verse 8 describes you. If so, repent. You can pray here or silently.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20?
Prepare your heart for more study with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5zkOfSJSn4
4. After listening to the above, how is your heart toward God? Toward the people in your daily life? (Our hearts are so deceitful, so ask God to search and to show you.)
Unlike God, we cannot see into the hearts of others. But Proverbs gives us some warning flags for recognizing a fool in our lives. We must recognize them so that we can wisely respond to them. One thing we have already seen is that fools can be religious, but Psalm 14:1 tells us that in their hearts, they say “there is no God.” Let’s consider some other red flags.
5. Read Proverbs 12:15-20
A. Contrast the fool and the wise person in verse 15.
If a person is always right, he has no need to listen to counsel from God or from others, and never needs to repent. It truly is a danger sign if a person never admits sin and never sincerely repents.
B. Contrast the fool and the wise person in verse 16.
A short fuse can also be evidence of a heart far from God. The reason a wise person can overlook an insult is because they can commit their case to God.
C. To what are rash words compared in verse 18? Explain.
D. Can you discern the heart behind the actions in verse 18 for both the fool and also the wise? Explain.
E. What heart motive do you see behind deceit in verse 20? What is the fool devising or planning? What is the wise person planning?
F. On the basis of what you have studied so far, contrast the heart of an abusive fool with a peace-loving wise person.
RESPONDING TO ABUSE
Once you recognize you are in an abusive relationship, you need to know how to respond. Obviously I can only give you starting tools — and I heartily recommend Leslie’s books and website for more information. I often think of the example of David and Saul. Saul was trying to kill David, but David did not immediately back up. It wasn’t until Saul demonstrated a pattern of abuse and would not listen to either David or his son Jonathan that David fled for his life. But even then, David’s heart was for Saul. He forgave him and honored him as king.
Leslie, in the video, gives the example of someone sitting across from you who is kicking you in the shins. Instead of immediately backing up, she says you should first: SPEAK UP. Then: STAND UP. And, as a last resort: BACK UP
What would that look like in a marriage? Here are just a few examples:
SPEAK UP: Speaking the truth in love, saying something like: “It hurts me when you call me names — it hurts me when you belittle me in front of the children — it hurts me when you demean me.”
STAND UP: Reinforce your words. Chris, in the video, suggests writing down the words that hurt you without any punctuation and showing them to the person and say again, simply, “These words you speak devalue and hurt me.” If he or she will not hear, then tell them you cannot live like this and will need to separate until they get help and bear the fruit of a heart change. (I know this is the frightening part to the abused — for they know it may lead to divorce. When my young friend was in her abusive marriage, Jan told her that drawing boundaries was healthy not only for her, but for her husband. It might bring him to his senses. If not, he might leave her because of disliking boundaries. She asked my friend to consider her two hardest possible paths and choose one: 1) Living with abuse, and allowing her future children to live with abuse 2) Losing this marriage, and possibly never re-marrying.
(She prayed and sought the Lord and chose to set boundaries, separating and asking him to go to a Christian counselor and bear fruit of repentance for six months before she returned to him. She stood up to him and then backed up from him when he continued to refuse boundaries and continued to abuse her. Today she is healthy, remarried, and mentoring others in this situation.)
BACK UP: Separate and ask your spouse to go to counseling with you (or alone). When the relationship is healthy again, bearing fruit of lasting change, you will return.
6. Comments on the above?
Thursday-Friday Video
7. Watch and share your notes and comments on this video: Click here to view the video
Saturday:
8. What is your take-a-way and why?
221 comments
1. What stands out to you from the above and why?
Again, Dee’s transparency about her own struggle because I do think while some of us are on the receiving end of emotional abuse some of us also may be the ones who struggle with emotionally abusing others. I am really glad Dee mentioned both.
This brought to mind that men can experience emotional abuse from their wives too. I know of two men who have.
And I SO agree that emotional abuse is worse than physical..although usually if someone is physically abused there is also verbal abuse going on but as Dee points out-God says in Proverbs it is like piercing you with swords.
Thanks, Rebecca. And thanks for alerting me that Leslie’s website is down — checking into it!
1.What stands out to you from the above and why?
Dee’s testimony of her own “sneaky form of emotional abuse” always speaks very directly, convicting-ly!, to my heart. I love her humility and honesty—it takes daily repentance and faith, releasing control to God…but she models that change in her heart, we all witness her balance of mercy and truth—I see that in her and it gives me hope. He is committed to transforming my stoney heart into one that is soft. I do see that emotional abuse can take so many forms, and can be subtle or severe. I was praying before reading this morning, about my own continual struggle with fear and the many manifestations of it—often in forms of control. I went to Psalm 56:4 “In God, Whose Word I praise, in God I trust, I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”
I also ache for those Dee refers to, suffering in abusive relationships, and join her in praying that “they will be helped through His Word and His Spirit and… “find their voice and reclaim their hope.”
You model transparency, Elizabeth — and always point us to the Word.
Dee,
Thank you once again for your own vulnerability here. . . Thank you that you invite us to look at our own sin first. Unfortunately, I understand wanting to control others, whether it be my husband or my children.
Elizabeth,
Thank you for your transparency. Seems like we can have more genuine fellowship with each other when we acknowledge our brokenness. Loved what you said here and can completely identify with this:
” I was praying before reading this morning, about my own continual struggle with fear and the many manifestations of it—often in forms of control. I went to Psalm 56:4 “In God, Whose Word I praise, in God I trust, I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”
This song by Sara Groves puts a voice to the way communication can happen in a marriage, especially when we are seeking control. I think the first verse relects how it might affect our children. The song also speaks to that rooted desire that things be well between us:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tZ1-Oh6Bus
I was drawn to you in ways I can’t explain
We fought like crazy but I couldn’t stay away
Piled on expectations and lots of blame
Like we couldn’t do it any other way.
We’re looking for the music
In the music box
Tearing it to pieces
Trying to find a song.
we’re looking for the music in the music boxtearing it to piecestrying to find a song
So beautifully and piercingly put, Nila.
This is PERRRR-FECT. I read the whole study shortly after 6. I am so looking forward to this — felt a huge sense of relief reading it. When I did get up, I started thinking about it — and decided I’d better not think any more if I wanted to leave the house without red eyes and a puffy face. I definitely can see what I do — but this has been a particularly painful past few days of seeing others being “done to,” as well as remembering things I’d stuffed. On a positive note, this summer, I’ve seen healing in a relationship in which minor miscommunication escalated into mutual manipulation.
Great testimony about healing. Love too your personal application and heart for others being hurt.
I am also expecting to learn a lot this week. Your descriptions of different scenarios and realities are so thought provoking, Dee. I can see that when I am very frustrated over something that happens repeatedly, I can tend toward emotionally abusive words to my husband. Mine is a reaction to particular behaviors that have repeatedly irritated me over many years. In my mind, I feel justified because, on the surface, I feel like I am ‘in the right’ (he shouldn’t keep doing that!) BUT…if my reaction is ‘in the wrong’ and potentially abusive, I can’t possibly be justified. It may seem at times like a ‘little’ problem, but I can see that it can also be much greater. I especially like the picture of the iceberg. That is a perfect illustration of the ‘sin beneath the sin’. And it was an iceberg just like this one that brought down the Titanic.
The Titanic. Yes. Our idols can certainly cut us to pieces. Thanks, Wanda.
Dee, this is such a HUGE area of pain on so many lives. Yet so many do not know how to get out of the cycle. And if out of the physical situation, how to heal from the emotional abuse! Thank you so much for bravely venturing into this territory. I need to hear what God has laid on your heart for this week. I am also praying for many active and silent bloggers who need to be helped by what we discuss this week.
A few weeks back in the summer, there was some discussion on this blog about shame. Something in that discussion struck a chord in my mind and a week ago or so I had the opportunity to get a free Kindle book called “Shame Interrupted” by Edward Welch of CCEF (recommended by Tim Keller). I am only a few chapters in, but I am reading it and rereading it in tears as I see ways that I myself and some I love dearly are being or have been emotionally abused. Welch offers hope but says we must first of all speak the truth about our pain. I very highly recommend this book, what I have read of it so far. I have a feeling it will change my life.
Thank you, Diane. I have not read it but put it on my list.
Great reminder, Diane. I downloaded that book, too. But I’ve downloaded so many free books that I forget to read them. Not sure I’m up for this one yet, though (or maybe I should say that I’m sure I’m not up for it now). The discussion about shame based on one of the Psalms (? was looking for it a couple days ago, but ran into another one and quit looking) was one of many studies that stands out in my mind as SO helpful.
1. What stands out to you from the above and why? This is incredibly painful to read, and I can’t even imagine the horror of regular emotional abuse in marriage. So many things stood out this week:
1)“May we all pray they will be helped through His Word and His Spirit and that they will, as Leslie puts it, ‘find their voice and reclaim their hope.'” I AM praying, and Leslie’s phrase was powerful — it struck a nerve. My first thoughts were “what voice?” and “I’m not sure there is hope.” Having a voice seems like hanging on to the last knot in a fraying rope — after being there for two years. The timing and topic of this morning’s sermon was a wonderful example of the Holy Spirit working through the Word — and the blog primed the pump for me to be very open. The sermon was on being hated/persecuted for Christ’s sake (also pointing out our sin and God’s forgiveness) — and the equipping power of the Holy Spirit to face it.
2) Dee’s example. When Dee has shared her story, I’ve seen my control idol. I’m good at playing the system. Because of my background, I often see the world through a systems lens and recognize dysfunctional systems (and am connected with one now). Until I acknowledged that not only was God in control but that He loves me with NO strings attached, I could recognize my sin but I was stuck there. On Friday, something (good) happened that made it impossible for me to deny or ignore abuse. I used the (mean?) question on myself that I’ve heard & thought before but never had the guts to say to anyone else “Who died and made you God?” The combination of my state of mind, a developing habit of turning to Him more quickly when I am in distress, the topic of the blog this week, and the sermon this morning are leading me right into this study. I am ready.
Something that I’ve been thinking about lately are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (not the ones in Revelation) because I’ve been seeing these horsemen regularly. They are predictors of divorce, identified by John Gottman. Search on YouTube to view couples in action or Gottman. I do think these behaviors often occur as part of emotional abuse.
Welcome, Me. It is so touching to see how God is working in your life through His Word and this blog. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You have me curious about the four horsemen who are the predictors of divorce. I’ll have to do a search.
Welcome “me”, I appreciate your comments.
Thank you for venturing into this challenging territory. As a victim of several types of abuse during my youth, I personally know the devastation it causes in lives. The information you are all sharing here will help many. I look forward to learning new tools this week and also closely examining my own heart!
Welcome, Rose Vining. We are glad to have you with us.
Welcome Rose!!
Not sure if this is on/off topic–but thought I’d share it anyway! Paul Tripp has a great questionnaire called “Building Trust in Your Marriage” : http://paultripp.com/assets/1804/building_trust_in_your_marriage_1.pdf
It’s great this topic is following on from last week. Too often the Bible’s teaching on submission has been used in abusive way, that turns around God’s purpose for marriage. Marriage is meant to build each person up, but too often it tears people down. I’m grateful that my husband lived sacrificial love, and wanted the best for me and his family. Our marriage was not deliberately complementarian or egalitarian. I didn’t know either term, but where there is sacrificial love I wonder if there is really much difference anyway.
Now I have women confiding in me who are in or have been in abusive relationships. What does Biblical submission look like in that situation? One caricature of the complementarian view takes the approach of 1Peter 3, teaching that it means staying in that situation in the hope that submission will lead to change. I look forward to discovering a more nuanced complementarian response to abusive relationships.
1 Peter 3 is next week. Leslie has a great article addressing that too — praying her website is up soon!
Strange….I ordered Leslie Vernicks book ..”The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” and am reading it now! Thanks Jackie for mentioning it. Thank you Dee for blogging about it. I know Leslie is a friend of yours and even thanks you in the introduction.
A couple of weeks ago I said I think it’s me…I bring out the worst in my husband and he brings out the worst in me., We both have said things that are hurtful and can never be taken back. I’m hoping the Lord will change me ….it will take a miracle. The tongue can be so vile….it’s as tho my husband pushes me to my very edge intil its my only defence to save myself…..and the sinful ugliness comes out….things I will always regret. Things I didn’t know I could ever say to anybody. Lord, please forgive me! Thank you Leslie and Dee!
I love the “sin beneath the sin” iceberg image.
I have recently realized that I am being abused by my daughter Sarah. I had just decided I didn’t want to be, and began to make the changes necessary to stop the madness. I can’t wait to study and see if I am making the right changes.
I love the “play-dough” hearts in this group.
Laura — good to see with Sarah.
3. Read Matthew 15:1-20, asking the Lord to help you really focus.
Can anyone explain this to me? Not getting the point….
“But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is ‘devoted to God,’ they are not to ‘honor their father or mother’ with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. “(Matthew 15:5-6 NIV)
Good morning, Laura. My understanding is that some would give money to the temple for appearances sake that could/should have been used to support/help their parents. Their parents were in need of their assistance, but rather than helping their parents, they would give this money to the temple as an offering. In their heart they weren’t really honoring God with their donation because it wasn’t for the right heart motivation. To “honor their Father and Mother” by helping them in their need would have truly been generous; their temple offerings were only “appearances” of being generous, in their heart there was a different motivation that negated the generosity.
Thanks Nanci! I had no idea about the money/parents issue. did you learn about it from a commentary? I looked at several versions (Msg, NSV, etc.) and couldn’t get it.
I don’t recall…could have been. Otherwise, I think it may have been in my daughters’ confirmation class (parents attended with their kids…for part of the class he kids would break off into small groups with adult leaders and the adults would be together alone with the pastors and have the opportunity to ask questions and/or discuss different topics.)
Laura – it’s really important to see here that Jesus is speaking to the Scribes and Pharisees. I think if you read Mark 7:8-12, this may clarify a little bit. Jesus here is telling the Pharisees that they are rejecting God’s commandments (to honor your father and mother in this case) and making up their own traditions, such as “Corban”. They were telling the people that they could take the money they were perhaps intending to use to help their parents and dedicate it as “Corban” and give it to the temple. When the people gave this money to the temple, they were in essence giving more money directly to the leaders of the temple – the Pharisees as well as others!! Greed, pure and simple. And heartlessness as well…..no caring whatsoever about “the least of these” (the elderly who desperately needed their children’s help).
Very helpful, Nanci and Jackie. Thanks for the extra reference, Jackie.
Thank you Jackie! That helps a lot. I am not so good with correlating verses. I suppose I should be using my study bible to do the questions, but it’s more convenient on my phone in bed! I think I have it now!
Laura — I love it that you ask questions. And I think it is wise to study it yourself instead of quickly running to a study Bible!
And you sure are getting good answers from the women in this wonderful group!
3. A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2?
Jesus’ disciples were not following the tradition of washing their hands prior to eating…disobedience to an accepted tradition.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God.
The pharisees were looking to be “one up”…they were looking to appear more holy and righteous than others. Their judgments were in an effort to appear superior in their obedience to God, but this was only a facade. Their interest was not in God, but in how they were being perceived. In their pointing out that the disciples were not upholding the tradition of washing their hands prior to eating, they were looking to emphasize their obedience and the disciples disobedience, making them appear more holy and righteous because of their observance of tradition. The pharisees didn’t care the least for the meaning and purposes in following the tradition, only in their appearance.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20?
One’s words and actions are a reflection of the heart. Jesus is emphasizing the importance of a genuine and authentic heart of love; living authentically rather than pretentiously. I have a stitched picture hanging on my wall that sums it up pretty well…”Thoughts become words, Words become Actions, Actions become Habits, Habits become Character…Character is everything.”
That really cuts to the chase. Challenging.
3. Read Matthew 15:1-20, asking the Lord to help you really focus.
A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2?
They didn’t wash their hands before they ate bread.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God.
Washing hands before eating bread was a ‘doctrine’ of theirs-a tradition. Something they set up and turned into an idol. Their traditions violated God’s doctrine-yet they acted as if these traditions validated God’s doctrine. This made them appear to honor Him but in truth their hearts were far from Him. They could care less about their wicked hearts which is the real problem of man.
C. Examine your own heart to see if verse 8 describes you. If so, repent. You can pray here or silently.
Ouch! Yes-verse 8 describes me. I was thinking the other day while doing dishes how wicked our/my hearts really are. How selfish I can be and if I could actually see the condition of my heart..oh.. I am glad I can’t for it might overwhelm me with depression-so glad He has covered me in His blood. I am glad He can see it and draw this heart that can be far away from him out..that He still loves me and His blood covers my wicked heart.
Lord I often am like the Pharisees and there is a wicked place in my heart where I am impressing my ‘law’ onto my boys in doing their best in school and getting good grades. Where is my heart in this? I am not sure but know it isn’t right before You..search my heart in this and draw out what you see that I can’t. There is also three more areas that you know intimately about that I can’t type out publicly. I confess I am not honoring you with my heart in these. There are so many dark areas in my heart that only you can sort through and help me see. Help me see and help me turn. May this bring you glory alone Jesus..amen.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20?
That our religious practices whether we do them or not doesn’t purify us or defile us..they are as worthy to God as dirt. It is what comes out of the mouth-the wellspring of our hearts that defiles us..Our hearts are wicked-wicked things come from the heart and then out of the mouth.
1. I love the photo of the iceberg…..I spent my 16th summer in Alaska and the icebergs were so fascinating to me. They were achingly beautiful (a rather brilliant shade of blue)…..but what mesmerized me was thinking about how MUCH of the icebergs were lurking there underwater! Surely there is application to our lives……sin can lure us in to where we’ve lost all ability to discern the danger “underneath the waterline”. What I’m especially loving about this is the reminder this week to truly come before the Lord. As the Psalmist cried out “Search me o God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23&24.
I love the word picture of an ‘achingly beautiful’ brilliantly blue iceberg, Jackie!
1. continued……It is no stretch to say that Leslie Vernick’s book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” has changed my life significantly! I thank God often over these past weeks for her caring, compassion, Christ centered ministry to those who are hurting so badly. Leslie had a way of taking the Scriptures, her life experiences as a counselor for 35+ years…..and my life story…….and bringing a season of refreshment to my soul, such as I had feared would never happen. God has really been showing me that the wrong that has been done to me does not need to be excused or explained…..it just is what it is!! But I don’t have to stay STUCK in my unproductive – and yes, even SINFUL – responses!! I am learning new ways to fly so free……and I actually love my husband more deeply today than I did even just a couple of months ago – THAT is a gift from God!! Obviously, this week’s study is going to hit me right where I’m living! I’m looking forward to it!
Thanks for this, Jackie: “God has really been showing me that the wrong that has been done to me does not need to be excused or explained…..it just is what it is!! But I don’t have to stay STUCK in my unproductive – and yes, even SINFUL – responses!!”
Renee – 🙂
Jackie ~
Thank you for these words: But I don’t have to stay STUCK in my unproductive – and yes, even SINFUL – responses!! I am learning new ways to fly so free…… My responses to my husband have, at times, certainly only made things worse. Needing the Lord to give me the heart and the freedom to respond in love….. whatever form that needs to take.
Such wisdom — may we all learn from you.
3A. The Pharisees were criticizing the fact that Jesus’ disciples did not do the ceremonial hand washing( that was a tradition of the Pharisees) before they ate.
3. Read Matthew 15:1-20, asking the Lord to help you really focus.
A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2? They weren’t washing their hands before they ate; which was a tradition of the elders. Or who knows? Maybe one of them was once seen not washing hands. My impression of the Pharisees is that they were on the look-out to find infractions of their made up rules, and chastise the offender.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God. This portion shows the depth of Jesus’ wisdom and insight into a person’s heart. He answers a question with a question. The Pharisees say ‘Why don’t your disciples wash hands before they eat (which was a tradition of the elders).?” and Jesus answers back, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?” He takes it right to the heart. God’s command to ‘Honor your father and mother’ is not about outward, visible things. The honoring will be visible, but the evidence is in one’s heart. Here, specifically, he addresses the withholding of money that should be used to help one’s parent (aging, unable to work perhaps) and ‘devoting’ it to God. The Pharisees devotion is twisted. They are often described as showing their spirituality outwardly (phylactories (sp) on their foreheads, longer prayer garments etc, making a show of their prayers and their offerings)…..but their hearts, their motives are only toward themselves. Even to the point of neglecting their parents. I am stirred by Jesus words to them because they provide a filter for us to examine our own hearts and see if we are responding through tradition or man made rules or in complete submission to God’s commands.
3B. Jesus began to tell the Pharisees that they were taking the commandments of God and trying to make them fit into the box of their traditions! Their traditions laid heavy burdens on the people…..and Jesus told them that they were “breaking the commandment of God” in trying to add something to it and twist it so as to profit themselves. The Pharisees’ traditions brought them power and money. But Jesus’ words to them cut to the chase: “for the sake of your tradition you have ‘made void the word’ of God”. (v. 6) This is definitely starting to pierce my heart – how many times a day do I lay heavy burdens on others and expect of them what my own “traditions” require rather than seeking that “He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30.
3D. Jesus is telling us to guard our hearts and filter EVERYTHING we say and do through an acknowledgement of the natural condition of our hearts – evil. Repentance of our sin and seeking to be filled with the Holy Spirit are crucial as we go about our days. Our words MATTER and indicate our hearts’ condition. As Nanci so aptly pointed out, our thoughts will lead to words and then to actions.
“Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay.” I’m not sure if I quoted that correctly and I don’t know who to indicate as the author……but we’re probably all pretty familiar with the thought. I shared that thought with all three of my children at one of the most tragic junctions of my life – the day I got the call that my beloved nephew Cliff was being arrested for the murder of his wife. As my kids had just witnessed their mom crawling around the yard on my hands and knees and wailing my heart out, they were listening when I finally spoke……sadly, 2 of the 3 would become prodigals themselves, nonetheless…….what had begun for Cliff as “dabbling” with pot, quickly escalated to hard core drug addiction – and then marriage to another hard core addict…….and tragedy was the end result.
It’s been nearly 10 years since that day…..and the reverberations will go on long after all of our lifetimes, should the Lord not return…..He HAS brought life from death….and yet…..the reaping from that sowing is still causing staggering hearbreak. My involvement with jail ministry began through this horrible season in our family’s lives…..I remember saying “If this can happen in OUR family, it can happen in ANY family”! Getting to know the women in our local jail has only verified that observation….and yet….we all can tend to feel that our own “traditions” are keeping us and our families safe from the consequences of sin. In essence, our own “goodness”…….danger, danger!!!! We must never forget Jesus’ words to us…..ALL of our hearts are evil and bent to do evil. The grace of God, the blood of Christ and the indwelling Holy Spirit are our only hope!!
Jackie....thank you for sharing this heart rending story and truth. This reminds me so much of what I heard on Moody Radio a couple weeks ago, when Susan told us of a program she’d heard there. The couple, very well known in Christian radio, had lost a son to drug addictions and had another who had moved into it. In speaking to parents who had prodigal children, they said something like, “If we think that when we do everything ‘right’ as parents, our children are guaranteed to follow Christ, we have left out the gospel. It is not what we do. We can not do enough. It is all by grace.” That’s a rough paraphrase, but it drove home the point to me, that our children’s straying from God is not because of us nor is their following Him because of us. We are all ‘beggars at the door of God’s mercy’.
Wanda – was that by any chance Charles and Janet Morris? I read their recent book “Saving a Life” that chronicles much of this story……oh my. So honest and heartwrenching and hopeful.
Yes, Jackie. I’m sure it was them. I wasn’t familiar with them, but their names ring a bell, when you say it.
Jackie, I read that book after my own nephew died of an overdose…it put words to feelings I had that I was unable to express…I read it over and over.
Wow. Leaving out the gospel. So true.
This is very important to ponder. There are passages in the OT that tend to say that if we follow the Lord our children will be blessed. Cause and effect is a widely believed concept in faith circles. There is some truth to the concept, but each person must choose for themselves whether they will follow the Lord. There are no second-generation Christians. It also seems that the devil takes great delight in leading the children of strong believers astray.
C. Examine your own heart to see if verse 8 describes you. If so, repent. You can pray here or silently.
Merciful Lord, You see it all. You know it all. My heart is not hidden from you. You know when my actions reflect a desire to be seen doing good and when they are the fruit of a heart truly devoted to you. And many times, I am guilty of ‘being in the right place’, ‘reading the right books’, ‘meeting the right needs of others’, ‘saying the right things’…..when my heart has not been right at all. My heart has sought the approval of others. Forgive me, O Lord. “Teach me your ways, O Lord. Search me, O God. See if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” Remove my stony heart and replace it with a heart of flesh. Let my words and my actions be honoring toward you when there is no one there but you, to hear and see them. Amen
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20? God knows our hearts. If we live to please or impress others and/or act because of guilt or self imposed rules, we missed the point completely. It’s our hearts that govern our actions and words. Our hearts are transformed only by Jesus. Our actions and words spring from the overflow of our hearts.
Wanda – “remove my stony heart and replace it with a heart of flesh.” Yes, yes. I love that scripture from Ezekiel…..I pray it often for others, but you reminded me how much I need to pray it for myself – today.
Wanda,
Amen ~ Let my words and my actions be honoring toward you when there is no one there but you, to hear and see them.
When I read the words, Remove my stony heart and replace it with a heart of flesh, I was thinking that that prayer is asking to have a heart that feels the pain and joy, that takes the risk to love…..
Here is another link to the questionnaire http://www.focusministries1.org/articles/RelationshipTest.pdf
Thank you ro elliot, for posting this link to the questionnaire.
Welcome Ro — and thanks!
Welcome ro elliott!
1. What stands out to you from the above and why?
If I had not heard Dee’s testimony in a prior session, I would have been grabbed by its honesty and transparency — very important testimony. However, since I was familiar with it, I was quite taken by the photo of the iceberg and what it demonstrated. I am aware in myself that I try to keep the apparent sin pretty small that sticks out on the outside of my persona, but underneath hides a lot more that I struggle with on a daily basis. That is the dangerous part — if I recall correctly, the Titanic sunk when it hit the underlying base of an iceberg which was not visible on the surface.
3. Read Matthew 15:1-20, asking the Lord to help you really focus.
A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2?
“Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don’t wash their hands before they eat!” In the centuries since the Jews returned from the Babylonian captivity, hundreds of religious traditions had been added to God’s laws. The problem was that the Pharisees considered the traditions and the laws all as equally important. Traditions can be good. They can add richness to our spiritual life, but traditions should never be considered sacred or laws themselves.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God.
The tradition of “Corban” was man-made. God had included in the Ten Commandments that one should “honor your father and mother.” That commandment trumped the observance of Corban which allowed a person to take the amount they would use to help their elderly parents and donate it instead to the Temple — in other words, it went to the Pharisees. This allowed the person to neglect caring for their parents, which might have required more than what was donated to the Temple. Jesus’ point was that the Pharisees were serving themselves with this tradition, not God. God would have preferred that they show compassion and care for their elderly parents. Also there was the element of “display” when the money was donated, which may have gained the person donating some praise from the Pharisees, but their hearts were far from the spirit of God’s desire.
C. Examine your own heart to see if verse 8 describes you. If so, repent. You can pray here or silently.
O dear Lord, forgive me for promising with my lips to serve you by being an elder, and then I groan and grumble while I am doing my service. I dislike the meetings required, and I look for ways to short-cut the amount of work required. Instead of focusing on whether I am serving completely, I am looking around to see if others are putting out as much effort as I am. I am sorry, Lord, and I ask your forgiveness. Help me focus instead on you, dear Jesus and all you have sacrificed for me. Help me to change on the inside, underneath the surface that everyone else sees. Amen.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20?
His point was that we need to check out our hearts, for it is what is in our hearts that is important to God. From evil hearts come evil words and deeds. It is not important whether we are eating non-kosher foods, for our food just passes through us; but the thoughts lodged in our hearts determine what we say and do.
So good to have you back, Deanna.
Deanna – I’m so thankful to see you back and hope that means your husband is well on his recovery road. Your prayer really moved my heart. I can identify completely with “Promising with my lips to serve you _________, and then I groan and grumble while I am doing my service.” With jail ministry, for example…..we go in in teams of two – and we meet beforehand for a light dinner and time to prepare our hearts…..so consequently, between the dinner time and the “wait time” at the jail to get into “4T”, where we minister, it can get to be a LONG evening! I’m SUCH an introvert that just the very act of breaking off what I’m doing here on the farm to go in early for a meal, etc can get my heart “grumbling”! And yet……I really do love my teammates and the ladies we are able to bring the Word to inside the jail! Go figure. As the song says “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it….Prone to leave the God I love….” You really ministered to me through your prayer! Thanks.
Thank you, Dee and Jackie! My husband seems to be improving some each day. He still isn’t back to full strength. Yesterday we walked on our streeet — just about a block each way, and he could really tell he had done something. He was ready to sit down on the glider on our porch and rest awhile. Prior to his TIA, he could walk the entire development (probably about 12 blocks). So he has a ways to go yet. Thanks to all who prayed for him! He was unable to tolerate his statin drug, so he is off of that. He takes a baby aspirin each day. I am trusting that a baby aspirin and a heap of prayer will see him through.
Deanna, thanks for the report on your dear husband…glad he is able to walk some and will pray for his recovery! And, thank you for your transparency in answering “C” above…I think we can all see ourselves in this…the hidden motives when we are serving and the grumbling.
Deanna, I’m so glad your back on here too! I’m praying for John….it will be slow, but he can do it!
3. A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2?
For breaking the tradition of the elders by not washing their hands before they ate.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God.
The Pharisees were more concerned with following the traditions, an outward display of piety, than they were with following God’s Law. They missed the hart of obedience.
C. Examine your own heart to see if verse 8 describes you. If so, repent. You can pray here or silently.
Father, You created me to worship You. Simple, and yet I am convicted by how I fail to really live with that as my ultimate purpose. You have my heart, I love You more than I can express. But I let so many distractions come between us, I fill my time, mind, desires with other things, things of this world, temporal things. Forgive me Lord. Thank You that You have redeemed me and You are re-creating me, to one Day, stand in Your presence, face to face—and I will have Your Name on my forehead. Thank You for Your commitment to working in me until that Day.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20?
Man looks at the outside, but God sees the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7) The Pharisees were concerned with outward appearance and works righteousness. Jesus looks beyond the fascade, to the heart. Our heart is the core of who we are, what we believe, holds our theology. And the heart supplies the words to the mouth.
4. After listening to the above, how is your heart toward God?
My heart so often feels rushed. She sings, and I relate: “I have learned this lesson a thousand times, I am the branch, and you are the vine.” I talk with Him, often, first in the morning and all throughout the day—but I talk SO MUCH MORE than I listen. And when I do listen, it is so often because I am looking for Him to tell me something about what I want to hear…how little do I listen when it is He who has something He wants me to hear. Lord, forgive me—help me hear You. Help me be quiet enough, close enough, that I will hear what You want to tell me—and never miss it.
Elizabeth – oh, how I relate to what you have shared! I too talk so much more than I listen…..and I listen so often out of my selfish desire to hear Him vindicate me and to smooth my path- it’s embarrassing to even admit to that, but there you have it. Your words were ever so timely.
A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2?
Not washing their hands before eating.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God.
They were appearing to be righteous when in reality they were not; they we’re giving money to the temple and not taking care of their parents, as Nanci and Jackie both stated above (thank you Ladies for helping me understand). They justified their actions by saying their gifts were in the name of the parent (I think), making it seem like they were taking care of them when they really weren’t.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20?
I i think He is saying that what our hearts desire and truly believe will be shown through our actions. Rituals don’t prove we are believers, they are just rituals. Looking good is one thing; being good another.
A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2?
Not washing their hands before eating.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God.
They were appearing to be righteous when in reality they were not; they we’re giving money to the temple and not taking care of their parents, as Nanci and Jackie both stated above (thank you Ladies for helping me understand). They justified their actions by saying their gifts were in the name of the parent (I think), making it seem like they were taking care of them when they really weren’t.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20?
I think He is saying that what our hearts desire and truly believe will be shown through our actions. Rituals don’t prove we are believers, they are just rituals. Looking good is one thing; being good another.
Whoops! Posted twice. Sorry….usually the site catches me double posting and says “it looks like you already posted that.” It didn’t do that this time!
Laura, I needed to read your comment again anyway, as it was so filled with wisdom….as all of the comments have been all day and evening here! Your prayers humble me and help me to see my OWN wicked sinful heart….and Oh how it grieves me so.
Between lesson’s learned here and reading Leslie Vernick’s book on “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage”, I’m feeling so hopeless…in my sinful, retched self. It’s nothing anyone said here today or anything like that…it’s just my human, sinful, idolizing heart and horrible ways I’ve handled things for the 27 years .
I took the test today in Leslie’s book, titled….”Are you in a emotionally destructive marriage?”….and I am….most definitly:( It makes me really sad and I own up to all of my own mistakes and sinfulness and pain I’ve caused.
I only pray it’s not too late for our marriage. I know God can turn things around…if only we are both willing to change.
I have alot of praying to do tonight by myself. God knows my heart better than I do and I am begging to just be able to touch a thread of his robe, as I crawl in the ground to reach him. I humble myself in honor of him who suffered and died for me. Please Father, forgive me! Thank you so much for your grace!
Oh, dear Joyce…take heart, at the end of the questionnaire, Leslie writes,
“Right now you may feel overwhelmed and frightened. These feelings are normal for anyone facing difficult truths. If you want to become healthier and have better relationships, I want to assure you that you can begin working on your part.
I don’t want to scare you, but it’s important that you understand the serious consequences of destructive relationships so that you will do all you can to change these patterns. I know, it feels easier to simply close your eyes or try to get by, hoping that the damage won’t be too bad, but trust me: ignoring destruction doesn’t eve make it better or even neutral. The damage only grows.”
Dear, dear Joyce – I just read Nanci’s response to you and what she has reminded you of (from Leslie’s book) is so crucial. Remember in Leslie’s book when she talks about “strengthening your core”? This is not just psychobabble! Recognizing you are in an abusive marriage certainly does not HAVE to mean the marriage is over – indeed, even a short term separation is for the GOAL of rebuilding the marriage from the ashes. There IS an abundance of hope to be found in moving forward with our Lord……but, as Nanci, reminded you “ignoring destruction doesn’t ever make it better or even neutral. The damage only grows.” One of my big takaways from Leslie has been the thought that “if you leave, leave well. if you stay, stay well.”
Joyce, your prayer is so very humble and beautiful. You are drawing near to the One who loves you above all others. He will not fail you!! He WILL give you hope! He will guide your steps and give you the power to walk out those steps…..and He will walk them with you. Jesus, the lover of our souls, has surely not promised us a pain free life…..what He HAS promised us is an ABUNDANT LIFE. We’re all in this together – and without Him we have no hope. BUT……we are not without Him! He has promised us that He will never leave us. Amen.
Oh Joyce, my heart aches for your painful marriage. You deserve to be loved and cherished, and, thank God, that He does love and cherish you, even if your husband isn’t right now. This world can be filled with such pain. Amen to Leslie’s reassurancing words to you via Nanci. Pleading to the Lord for you. Hugs!
You’re on my heart, Joyce. As you cry out to Him, speak to your soul the truth of His love. Praying for you dear sister.
Joyce, I know it took such courage to use the questionaire, and your transparency about what you learned from it is inspiring. I liked so much that you said “I know God can turn things around…if only we are both willing to change.” Hold that thought, sister! I am praying for mercy and healing for you and your husband.
Sometimes I get my guitar out and do this song by Jill Phillips entitled I Am.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e46HsGMzToY
Listening to it here tonight. Some of the lyrics:
Oh gently lay your head
Upon my chest
And I will comfort you
Like a mother while you rest
The tide can change so fast,
But I will stay
The same through the past,
The same in future,
same today
CHORUS: I am constant;
I am near
I am peace that shatters
all your secret fears
I am holy;
I am wise
I’m the only one who knows
your heart’s desires
Your heart’s desires
Oh weary, tired and worn,
Let out your sighs
And drop that heavy load you hold
Cause Mine is light
I know you through and through;
There’s no need to hide
I want to show you love
That is deep and high and wide
Nice song, Nila. I had never heard it before.
4. After listening to the above, how is your heart toward God? Toward the people in your daily life? (Our hearts are so deceitful, so ask God to search and to show you.)
Love this song! It says exactly how I have been feeling lately…..kind of blah. Then I realize, I haven’t had much time with Him. Things in my life are always rushed when school is in session and other things go to the back burner; including my Lord 🙁 sad to say that. I realized that yesterday and am making sure to modify.
My heart toward Sarah is hateful. She makes me so angry. She is like an F5 tornado. She can’t use one bathroom she has to use three, and mess all of them up! She seriously is like a five-year-old. She was visiting here all last week, and before she ever went into her room I told her that my mother’s Japanese doll collection was on her dresser and to be very careful to not break any one of the dolls. I went into clean up the room on Saturday when she left and wouldn’t you know she broke one of the dolls; my favorite one. She also took great pleasure in telling me that come March she was going to move and not tell me where she was. That one made me cry. How could she be so mean to me when all her dad and I have done this past year was try to help her? Surely the devil is taking charge here. I’m not feeling the love…….
I’ve also had a rushed feeling when it comes towards my husband. My guilty heart knows we need to spend time together, yet he works all the time and sleeps when he isn’t working. He still won’t quit the second job and it makes me sad that we don’t talk much any more. I’m kinda of lonely in that area.
A. Contrast the fool and the wise person in verse 15.
The fool doesn’t listen to counsel whereas a wise person does. Criticism is hard to take some times, but we need self reflection.
B. Contrast the fool and the wise person in verse 16.
A fool will get annoyed and show it, where a wise person takes things in and ponders.
Laura,
Saddened by your pain over Sarah….. It is so hard to be disregarded as a parent. I understand. Asking the Lord to comfort your hurting heart.
My husband also works a lot, most evenings and often out of town for long periods of time. I too have taken on a new teaching position this fall in order to help with finances, and I understand that rushed feeling you described between you and your husband. Lord, we ask for your tender mercies here.
Laura and Nila…you both have your own problems. Praying for you and your jobs and families and especially Sarah, Laura. My heart weeps for her.
Oh, Laura. So sorry that Sarah is giving you such pain. She is hurting and lashing out, when what she needs to do is run into your (and the Savior’s) arms. And your husband … sorry for the pain there too. Praying for you and your family!
Laura, it seems that our own children have the ability to wound us more deeply than anyone else can. It feels like such betrayal and rejection. I would say the “hateful” feelings you have are there because of how much you love your daughter; I’ve read that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. And then, on top of this, you feel lonely in your marriage because the two of you are so busy and rushed with work and just being tired. I will be praying, Laura…
Susan, your so right…..” it seems that our own children have the ability to wound us more deeply than anyone else can. It feels like such betrayal and rejection.” Kendra is learning her independence from me with the help of two caregivers, that she loves….but she’s so hateful to me when one of the girls are here, to help her. All of a sudden I’m chopped liver with dog doo doo on top. She say’s “I’m sick of you” and makes a horrible face at me sticking out her tongue. The girls says thats nice nice Kendra, but I feel about 1 ” high about then and slowly leave the room. I cry inside myself but don’t allow her to see she hurts me. I know it’s all in
God’s plan that she become independent of me and my care, so I just give them space. I realize I’m the one thats going to hurt the most here…but I’m the adult and I must understand it’s for her good. They are teaching her daily living skills….things she just expects me to do for her and if I don’t she’s mad….so I need to be out of the picture.It’s so hard….then after almost all night praying for our marriage…and for me to only say positive things to him and to lift him up….no negatives or nagging. I’m being pleasent and he comes in and starts yelling at me over medicines he picked up for me….all messsed up. My fault again…I called them in wrong evidently. I’t all I can handle and start weeping where no one can see me. I want to run away and hide! If only I could run…..but can bearly walk…so I walk outside or upstarirs to get muself together again….after pleading with God to help. I just want to be able to do the things other women of 65 years old do…like reading , long baths, shopping, taking walks, having friends, going to lunch or places to visit. Then I’m right back where I was to begin with….feeling sorry for myself again….which never helps.And it starts all over again the next day:(So sorry I carryed on so here. Please forgive me….I just need to get it out I guess.
God Please forgive me and fill me with our spirit and search my wicked heart…..cleans me from all unrightiousness.
Praise God my fall bible studies start thursday….so I will use my car and walker to get there no matter what….as I need to be with other women of my age. But it seems no one has the problems I do:( An emotionally abusive husband and a special needs daughter to care for, with cronic pain everyday. I’m still feeling really down and need to go cry myself to sleep again tonight as I pray and pray and pray. But he seems so distant from me now:(Thank you sisters for listening to me carry on…I’m so sorry.
Joyce, things do look bleak sometimes in our lives; oh how I know that! At one point, I had 2 children running around where I didn’t know where they were (they were 16-17 years old). It was an awful time of my life and I wouldn’t want to go back to that time no matter what. It’s the devil lurking and trying to “get us.” We can’t allow that. You are right, Kendra needs to learn, and Sarah needs to learn as well. Sarah will call me when she needs something (mostly money). we are not giving her any more. This is killer for me because she will lie and tell me she needs to see a doctor or something like that and I can’t bear to think she is suffering. She asks for the money and if I won’t give it she starts to harass me. Sometimes it goes on for hours. I need to say no and then if she continues to tell her I will turn off her phone (we still pay for her to have one for my well being; so I can get in touch with her). I am going to do this because she must learn. The only way I have gotten through all of this is to keep in close contact with God. Praying, bible study, blog sisters, listening to Nancy Leigh Demoss, etc. You are right! Run to that bible study girlfriend!!!! He is might and strong and can take care of ALL. Love you sister!
Joyce, my heart aches for you…I wish I could come and give you a hug of encouragement and support. I am sorry for all the difficulties you are experiencing. Laura provides wise counsel…the evil one does lurk and longs for us to “give in” to his taunts…he tries so hard to wear us down with his continual hounding. I will pray for the Lord to either remove the obstacles in your life or to provide you with extra strength to deal with them. Praying for you, dear Joyce…
Joyce – amen to every word that Laura and Nanci shared with you. Praying even as I write this for God’s peace to descend upon your heart. You are crying out to Him and opening your heart to Him in your pain……repenting of your sin and desiring to follow in His ways and speak His words in difficult (night impossible) situations. So thankful you are intent upon participating in your Thursday study……just as much as you need to be there, the other women in the study need for YOU to be there! You have so much to offer to the other women. Praying too that He will use you powerfully as you join the other women for study of His Word.
Joyce,
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes it helps to stop and realize that you just need to take life one moment at a time, because if we wonder how we are going to get through these painful times, it can seem overwhelming. The Lord knows we are fragile and His mercies are tender.
Joyce, I’m so sorry for all the pain you are enduring…Kendra lashing out at you…yet you are right, she needs to learn these important self-care skills. But I know the horrible faces at you and the words hurt. And being yelled at by your husband. Joyce, I say to you again, that all these things are not somehow your fault. Everyone makes mistakes, like calling in your order wrong at the pharmacy. Please do not look inward to see where there is wickedness in you that is causing others to mistreat you. The truth of how God sees you is in His Word, like “His banner over me is love”, and you are His beloved whom He calls “My darling, my beautiful one…” I’ll be continuing to pray for you and especially for your time at Bible study on Thursday…so thankful you have that fellowship to look forward to.
Such a struggle for you now, Joyce. You are on my heart often. I prayed for you, Maurice and Kendra this morning and will keep praying when I drive to my afternoon job. When you talked about unanswered prayer, it took me right back to the chapter I just read in Philip Yancey’s book PRAYER. It’s the best, most practical book on prayer I have ever read. I know you have many books to read now, but if you ever have a chance to read this one, he deals honestly with the topic of unanswered prayer and brings hope even when we don’t see answers. He tells the story of his friend who was paralyzed and living life in a wheel chair. He was a chaplain and ministering to others in a nursing home (he found that the residents accepted him and knew immediately that he could relate to their health and mobility issues because of his own paralysis) and yet, for years, many of his own prayers went unanswered. Through all of his pain, he said that he was sustained by the prayers of others and that he leaned on them for strength when his own strength gave out. I can so relate to that. When my daughter has been the sickest and in the worst crises, I find it so difficult to focus in prayer. But I am comforted to know that others are praying. I hope that you feel that too, Joyce. You are loved.
Leslie’s site is up now! 🙂
4. After listening to the above, how is your heart toward God? Toward the people in your daily life? (Our hearts are so deceitful, so ask God to search and to show you.)
My heart-oh.. There are times when the truth just pierces me like a sword-those times are when I realize how deceived I am about my heart. I was doing dishes the other night and it was one of those times. I was awakened to the cruel reality of my heart and to broaden that out-man’s heart in general. I told my husband, do you realize how selfish I am? How selfish we all are? The darkness of our hearts? How things that should literally break my heart don’t because I am so self centered? I have to admit if I honestly assessed the condition of my heart..it is mostly stony..The pieces HE has chipped away have taken years! BUT HE HAS CHIPPED THEM AWAY WHICH IS HUGE! My most recent awakening about my heart: I am very task and goal oriented and can put those things above Him and people. I can be cold toward people and I hate that about my sin nature. I want to love God more and love others like He does putting their needs above mine and not just in accomplishing tasks for them, but truly loving and being there for my friends, family and people God brings into my life. I have felt Him pressing into me to spend more time in memorizing His Word and that is where I want to start.
Rebecca, piercing honesty here…I can relate as I most often feel my most besetting sin is selfishness, self-centeredness, SELF. But your heart is always bent on pursuing Him.
Susan, I know-it is sweet we can relate in this..I guess I am painfully aware of how much I don’t love God yet at the same time I do but only because He lives inside me. My heart is more deceitful and wicked than I can ever know and honestly I am glad I need to ask him to draw things out of it piece by piece for if I saw it all at once I might faint! Yet He sees it all and covers it with His blood and loves me to the sky. His Love still amazes me!! May that wonder not wane-because I know it will ebb and flow. :/
We are incapable of loving Him without Him living in us and loving us first. This is perhaps why I love that song..”I don’t know why Jesus loves me, I don’t know why He cares…where would I be if Jesus didn’t love me, where would I be if He didn’t care?” :)))
4. After listening to the above, how is your heart toward God? Toward the people in your daily life?
My heart is turned toward the Lord; I love our intimate time each morning. I work to be mindful and aware of the blessings that surround me, giving thanks to the Lord for providing, but how easily the busyness, stress, demands of the day can put me on “auto pilot” where my focus shifts to the busyness, stress, and demands…I lose sight…:( Thankfully, it is I who have drifted…our Lord is ever faithful and never drifts from me; He is waiting for me to come to my senses and return to Him.
My husband and I are empty-nesters…we are loving, thoughtful, and respectful of each other. As a family, we work to have “family” nights to connect. As family members, we are each others support…we may not always like the decisions that are made, but we love each other and are respectful.
Such good thoughtful responses. I’m still recovering from Door County’s flood, but am back!
3. Read Matthew 15:1-20, asking the Lord to help you really focus.
A. What behavior of the disciples did the Pharisees criticize in verse 2? They weren’t living up to expectations imposed by the Pharisees.
B. Explain, on the basis of Jesus answer to them in verses 3-6, how the Pharisees were trying to appear to be righteous, but in fact, had hearts far from God. Crazy! They were asking people to tell their parents that instead of taking care of them, they were giving to God. But when I think about it more, this doesn’t sound so far-fetched. I see similar things on angry face-book pages. (e.g., “I don’t want poor people to have this because they need to work. I get to choose where I give.”) This is what points to the seriousness of the evil in my own heart: “So for the sake of your tradition you have made void the word of God.”
C. Examine your own heart to see if verse 8 describes you. If so, repent. You can pray here or silently. Holy God, My heart is so far from you — and when my heart is far from you I don’t honor you with my lips either. Forgive me, and remove the scales from my eyes so that I see you. It’s such a minute by minute or hour by hour battle, and I get distracted so easily. One minute I’m experiencing your strength, your blessings — and then I see the evil around me and want to fix it, piling sin upon sin. Only in your power, by focusing on you, can I obey you. Otherwise, I end up making up my own rules…or pulling in specific outside rules that appear to justify me and put others at a disadvantage.
God, I don’t want to make your word void. I love you because you loved me first. Forgive me for wandering from you. Hold me tight, comfort me, and grant me wisdom about when, if, how to get out — or if I should stay and support others. Show me my sin as soon as my thoughts wander to fixing the world, for rationalizing that it’s okay to do unto others as they’ve done unto me — if the magnitude is less. These situations are SO MUCH bigger than I am. Lord Jesus, you loved your enemies. While we were your enemies, you died for us. Grant me courage and clarity to know how you want me to respond to my enemies — and yours — and do it, despite the cost. My hope is in you; current situations have been going on so long that they seem hopeless. Thanks for wooing me to you when I pulled the blankets over my head for an hour this morning, wishing the world would go away this morning. When I look at the day, week, or month ahead, I am overwhelmed. Thank you for being the lifter of my head, for looking into my eyes and showing me your love. Slow my thoughts and show me the next step. Saturate my thoughts with you and remind me that you are my hope.
D. What is the main point of Jesus’ teaching in verses 10-20? Well, the main point to me is that my heart is evil. I am righteous because Jesus has made me righteous. Because my heart does produce evil, abiding in Him is crucial — He gives the power to overcome evil. Side note: I’ve been reading comments, as well as a couple Psalms during the past week. Reading comments and scanning Scripture definitely does not have the same power as digging into the study. Dee, thanks for the instructions to ask the Lord to help us focus. He answered 🙂 My thoughts have been spinning, a downward spiral into futile fix-it mode. Coming back to the Gospel, through his power, is giving me peace.
Blessed by your honest prayer this morning and by your honesty that you are spiralling close to despair. Me too. Praying for you. And thanks for the gentle reminder that “digging into the study” is better than just reading comments and scanning Scripture. 🙂
Renee – not only is the Lord giving you His peace (amen to that!), but we are the blessed beneficiaries of your thoughtful study and pondering! So grateful for the way you always stimulate my thinking!!
Sara Groves song Conversations got right to the point. When there isn’t any reason for our mood or attitude, and yet we are feeling grossly uncomfortable in our own skin, then it is time to ask “How is it between you and me, Lord?” Such a good question! And just because I spend time venting about my issues to God does not mean we are having meaningful dialogue. If I don’t stop to ask how my behavior makes God feel, or if I don’t take time to listen for Him to speak — then it is a monologue, not a dialogue. Monologues are not what God desires! Relationships are built on dialogues.
This is so good, Deanna, “And just because I spend time venting about my issues to God does not mean we are having meaningful dialogue.”
4. Like others have shared…..I’ve been a bit on auto pilot….and I feel I’ve spoken to Him far more than I’ve quietly listened. I’ve lost some of the anticipation of what He wants to say to me, how He wants to direct my footsteps. These past couple of weeks I’ve been so “busy” with the business that HE brought about in my life that I’ve neglected the memorization of His Word which has in the past so spoken to my heart. I’ve had “rushed” prayers and “rushed” study time….no memorization time whatsoever. Ironically, it was Scripture memorization that was so helpful in pulling me from the pit of last year’s grief and sorrow and self-pity. Scripture memory work can sound so very legalistic – but it wasn’t with that spirit at all in my life of late….it was a beautiful time of meditating on HIS VOICE……how could I have let anything come between me and His precious voice??? Well…..I’m appreciating the wake up call today to spend some time again with Him…..NOT just bringing Him my desperation (though I know He cares), but bathing in His Word.
As an introvert, at times it’s naturally a lot of WORK for me to be with people! I notice when I’m walking closely with the Lord though….that being with others is a beautiful thing…..I’m incredibly curious about their lives and interested in what their delights and sorrows are. Looking over this past weekend, I’m remembering how DRAINING my “people time” has been……time with family members, friends and clients – all seemed to take an enormous amount of energy!! Even as I was in the midst of conversations, I found that I was continually thinking “Are we done yet”? My heart has been cold and superficial. Again, I’m finding myself grateful to remember that it doesn’t HAVE to be that way……but unless it’s good between the Lord and I, it inevitably will be!
Lord, I need you. Oh I need you. I confess my cold and hard heart. I don’t want to stay here in my sin. Please forgive my failure to put You first in my life, in my thoughts, in my moments. I dedicate the rest of this day to You. Every moment of this day. Slow me down. Let me rest in You. Shine through my life and be glorified in my life this day. To You alone belongs all praise forever. Amen
Jackie–(from one introvert to another), this is really insightful & helpful : “I notice when I’m walking closely with the Lord though….that being with others is a beautiful thing…..I’m incredibly curious about their lives and interested in what their delights and sorrows are.”
1. What stands out to you from the above and why?
The title shot a dagger through my heart as I have a loved one that is in a very destructive marriage and my heart aches for her daily. I am struggling with wether or not to share this with her. We have discussed her situation before but I do not believe she would believe that there is hope.
And then as I read I was quickened to open my eyes to my own form of “subtle” emotional abuse. It is so easy to dismiss actions, even patterns of actions, with justifications of tiredness, weariness, ignorance, etc. but it is there and I cannot deny it. I pray the Lord will be gentle and and the Holy Spirit guiding my heart in looking at this and ripping its roots from my heart.
Jill, any news regarding your housing/move…Monday was the day you thought you might hear something, right?
Wondering the same, Jill. Praying for your move and peace through all those adjustments.
One more thing that struck me was the iceberg. While the visual was awe-fully convicting, I also though that as the Lord chips away pieces from above the water the whole iceberg would just keep rising, sometimes causing me to be discouraged that there is no improvement because it “looks the same” but in reality my heart is lighter because He has indeed begun the good work of ridding me of the sin beneath the sin….slowly, but surely.
Jill – I love your unique take on the iceberg!
Me too, Jill! Your comment made me think about what gets chipped away and what takes its’ place….but overall, there can be a renewing.
Jill,
Thank you for your insightful words on the iceburg. Hopeful.
4. After listening to the above, how is your heart toward God? Toward the people in your daily life? (Our hearts are so deceitful, so ask God to search and to show you.)
My heart truly is filled with love for God. And yet I stray. I wander. Someone, this week, used the words from ‘Come Thou Fount’ ….‘prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.’ My name, Wanda, literally means ‘wanderer’ and when I first heard that, I didn’t think it fit at all. I’m mostly a home body…..not a real adventurer on my own. But then I thought about this hymn and yes….that’s me. My heart wanders toward other affections….it wanders toward idols. I’ve been asking the Lord to keep revealing them to me. I know that I find temporary (but immediate) reassurance, affirmation and sometimes self esteem when I have the favorable attention of someone I admire….sometimes, whether or not that person reflects God’s heart. I’ve been thinking about how much of this reflects my own pride and feeding of my self and my ego. But I need to feed my soul instead. “Here’s my heart. Oh, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above”. Ever since we finished Psalm 41 as a group, I’ve been meditating on and memorizing Psalm 42. How my soul needs to thirst for the living God.
I didn’t know that about the name “Wanda.” Such a good way to apply it and pray, Wanda.
Well said Wanda!
5. Read Proverbs 12:15-20
A. Contrast the fool and the wise person in verse 15. The fool goes his own way because it ‘seems right to him’. Not listening to advice is inferred. Sounds like a ‘know it all’ and when someone like that makes a mistake even though he insisted on his own way, he looks extremely foolish. A wise person listens to the counsel of others. Has a teachable heart. Listens and doesn’t do all the talking.
B. Contrast the fool and the wise person in verse 16. A fool, when annoyed has an immediate reaction. No filters. No patience. No insight into his own behavior and flaws. This makes me think of a parent who flies off the handle when their child misbehaves in public. The lack of courtesy and often abusive behavior that comes from the foolish parent makes everyone in the room, at best, very uncomfortable. I doubt that anyone watching ‘sides’ with the parent. It becomes very unpleasant and the parent’s drama far outweighs the initial misbehavior or insult of the child. But a prudent person overlooks the insult. He doesn’t jump to his own defense. He allows for mistakes and/or criticism. He may evaluate the insult for validity….’considering the source’ to see if it’s worth the fight. He chooses his battles wisely.
C. To what are rash words compared in verse 18? Explain. Reckless words=a piercing sword. Cutting, injuring another. Making a wound that can remain for a very long time and/or surface again and again. This is life-taking. In contrast, a wise tongue brings healing and is life-giving.
D. Can you discern the heart behind the actions in verse 18 for both the fool and also the wise? Explain. When you speak recklessly, you don’t consider others. You only look after yourself or maybe ‘your own’ but not the good of all. It’s an immature response which closes doors and builds walls. It inhibits further relationship and growth; cutting, injuring….making a wound that can be re-opened more easily the next time. Trust is destroyed. The tongue of the wise is life giving, healing, gracious and patient speech that looks to the needs of others. It looks to build up and not tear down.
E. What heart motive do you see behind deceit in verse 20? What is the fool devising or planning? What is the wise person planning? The fool plots evil. The wise promotes peace which = joy.
F. On the basis of what you have studied so far, contrast the heart of an abusive fool with a peace-loving wise person. An abusive, foolish person acts from the selfishness and greed in his own heart. He looks out only for number 1, even if that means cutting down others to do so. He acts without the counsel of others, but only his own unfiltered impulses to watch out for himself at the expense of others. The wise peace-loving person looks for the common good. He sets aside his own needs because he knows that peace will restore the hearts of all. Jesus led the way. Philippians 2: He didn’t look out for His own interests. He made Himself nothing. He humbled Himself. He gave up His own glory and status to become an obedient servant. In doing this, He accomplished peace for all. The ultimate common good.
Wanda, so well said “He acts without the counsel of others, but only his own unfiltered impulses to watch out for himself at the expense of others. “
Hello sisters! Can one of you add me to the Facebook private page? Please. My Facebook name is Roshanda Smith. Thanks! Xoxo
Just messaged you (I think it was you, anyway!) on FB. It went to your “other” folder because I’m not connected to you on FB. Please check that. Thanks!