I have this Rembrandt print, “Return of the Prodigal Son” hanging in my hallway to remind me of the grace God has given me. I need to look at it often and remember how He has embraced me despite the ways I have hurt Him again and again. Truly, I am not worthy to be called His daughter — but His daughter I am — forever and forever.
Two years ago a woman who was doing some work for me stole the jewelry my late husband Steve had given me, as well as my mother’s ring, selling it all at a truck stop.When she eventually confessed to me and saw my tears, she was broken. Truly, part of me didn’t want to forgive, for the jewelry held precious meaning to me.
At the moment she confessed, the Lord brought a scene to my from Les Miserables (a movie worth renting). In it, Jean Valjean steals candlesticks from a kind priest who had allowed him to sleep in his home — but when he is caught, and dragged back by the police, the priest covers for him. Jean Valjean is so touched by this grace he comes to Christ.
So I forgave (at least to the best of my ability — I know I have had to keep doing it — but I think I truly have) and I asked her to look at the above painting. I used it to share the good news that if she was truly repentant the Lord would forgive her. She has evidenced some true repentance — at least she has been going to church regularly. And I know my husband would tell me that her salvation is of much greater worth than the jewels he gave me.
Icebreaker
1. Share a terrible apology and why it is terrible.
2. Contemplate on Rembrant’s painting above, “The Return of the the Prodigal.” Henry Nouwen spent days in front of it, said it changed his life, and wrote an amazing book by the same title. He saw so much in this painting. See what you can see — and I’ll tell you what he saw by the end of the week.
3. Slowly read the planned apology of the younger son in Luke 15:18-19.
A. I will arise and go to my father (Why is face to face usually best? Why is e-mail TERRIBLE? )
B. When he said, “I’ve sinned against heaven” he meant he had not only sinned against his father, but against God. Explain why, when we injure a person, we also injure God.
C. Then he said, “And against you.” List the reasons he brought great pain to his father.
D. When someone hurts me, it really helps me if they tell me why they know what they did is painful. I also find that when I have to express this, it helps me truly repent. When our dog killed a neighbor’s homing pigeons, I thought about all the ways this had to be painful for him. It wasn’t just money and training — he loved those birds, as did his children. Expressing it really brought me to contrition. Have you had a time when you have done this or had someone do it? Share, please.
4. Write down the principles of effective apology that you see in this parable.
5. Challenge. Pretend you are the woman who stole from me and tell me what an effective apology would be, based upon the above principles. (Or, choose something truer to home — a way you have really hurt someone.) What would you say and do?
6. Is there a wall between you and a friend or relative? Can you own any of the blame? If so, be still before the Lord and ask Him what you could do to promote healing. If you tell us, we will pray for wisdom and favor!
7. Meditate on the Father’s response. Go slowly. If a phrase leaps out at you — that’s the Holy Spirit. Share what you see.
8, How will you apply this lesson?
153 comments
1. Share a terrible apology and why it is terrible.
I think a terrible apology is one in which the person apologizing finds a way to blame the person whom they have wronged instead of taking responsibility for their own behavior and empathizing with the other person’s feelings. “I’m sorry IF I made you feel bad…” “I’m sorry you took what I said wrong…” “You shouldn’t have felt that way about what I did.” One of the worst apologies is the one you have to ask for yourself. “Why did you hurt me?” which is answered with “I don’t know I had. Sorry IF I did.(flippant tone)”
The reason these apologies are terrible is because they are usually not sincere and do not take into account how the other person has been hurt. The wrongdoer does not understand, or care to understand, that they have hurt someone else. They pay no attention either to people’s feelings or how God sees such actions. There is no repentance. There is no true moment in which they sincerely desire to change.
2. Contemplate on Rembrant’s painting above, “The Return of the the Prodigal.” Henry Nouwen spent days in front of it, said it changed his life, and wrote an amazing book by the same title. He saw so much in this painting. See what you can see — and I’ll tell you what he saw by the end of the week.
The son is kneeling before his father, humbly apologizing. It is a total reversal of his arrogant request for his inheritance at the beginning of the story. It also strikes me that the father is wearing red, which reminds me of Christ’s blood. As the father is bending down to his son, the red color approaches the son where he is kneeling… just like Christ’s redeeming blood reaches the repentant sinner.
3. Slowly read the planned apology of the younger son in Luke 15:18-19.
A. I will arise and go to my father (Why is face to face usually best? Why is e-mail TERRIBLE? )
When apologizing, face to face is usually best because it allows you to show your feelings for the other person facially and in your voice. You can see how they are responding and have clear communication all around. A sincere apology is accompanied by true, empathizing emotion.
Email is terrible for all the same reason face to face communicating is good. The written word alone cannot convey emotion in the same way as talking to to someone, and words in writing can also be easily misconstrued. You can’t react in “real time” because you are not present. If you have offended someone, shouldn’t you care enough to be present to try to set it right?
As a young teenager in junior high, I was horrible at face to face apologies because I had a problem with stammering and the nerves of approaching someone I had wronged made me nervous and created more stammering. God spoke to me, though, about how much it meant to the other person to be sincere and put their feelings ahead of my own. Through His grace alone I changed how I handled apologies. I regret that I was ever this selfish to only see how I was feeling.
B. When he said, “I’ve sinned against heaven” he meant he had not only sinned against his father, but against God. Explain why, when we injure a person, we also injure God.
We are made in God’s image. God loves us and values us enough to redeem us through Christ, so He obviously cares about what happens to us. He has also commanded us to love each other, do unto others as we want them to do unto us.
Wrong behavior is sin, which is against God. We hurt Christ because we ruthlessly continue to commit sins which sent Him to the cross. We do not honor God, which is hurtful to Him.
C. Then he said, “And against you.” List the reasons he brought great pain to his father.
Asking for the inheritance early, squandering it, taking no care for his own life as he lived amidst a famine (I am not a parent but I have heard those who are say that when their children cause harm to themselves, it hurts the parent because of their love for their child.)
D. When someone hurts me, it really helps me if they tell me why they know what they did is painful. I also find that when I have to express this, it helps me truly repent. When our dog killed a neighbor’s homing pigeons, I thought about all the ways this had to be painful for him. It wasn’t just money and training — he loved those birds, as did his children. Expressing it really brought me to contrition. Have you had a time when you have done this or had someone do it? Share, please.
When I have made wrong decisions without thinking them through, it has helped me repent to put myself in the other person’s place and realize all of the reasons why I should not have acted as I did. Then I have apologized to the people involved and things have healed completely. Examples include snap decisions I have made on spending money in college about which I really should have consulted my mom – when I told her how sorry I was and why, she understood and we both moved on from the problem.
I have a very brave friend who said some hurtful things to me as a result of some personal problems she was having at the time. I knew nothing about her problems but later found out that they were the source of her behavior. She approached me, without excuse, apologizing sincerely. Somehow when she explained the reason for her action it did not seem like an excuse, but instead a basis for me to understand what was going on with her, which made it easier to forgive.
Tracy — this is so excellent. I see in you a woman who truly desires to please God. I also loved your observations on Rembrandt’s painting. In addition, your explicit examples are helpful to each of us, putting flesh to the principles, helping us live them out. Thank you!
Thanks, Dee. 🙂
I was thinking in regard to what Dee said in the beginning where she gives two examples of how she is the prodigal son and also on the other side where she had to forgive a prodigal like the father had to forgive the prodigal in the parable.
I think she is relating to both the prodigal and the father as far as relationships go. Wow, never thought about relating to the father.
I tend to focus on just the prodigal and relate well with him and also relate well with his brother, but what about the Father?? I have never thought about him as an example of how we are to truly forgive others until I read Dee’s story of the friend who stole her jewelry. WOW! Now that puts a whole new perspective on this to me.
I guess my next question is if someone doesn’t repent do we still forgive or is it more of a forgiving them before God so that we don’t hold on to it and become bitter? Did the Father forgive the older brother even though he didn’t repent?
I could be way off base on all of these thoughts though, just thought I would ask. 🙂
These are really intriguing questions. I guess I always thought God expected us to forgive people even when they don’t repent. So I looked up some verses on the topic.
Luke 6:37-38
37″Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
Matthew 6:14-15
14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Tracy, excellent verses, thanks! I will stew on this some more. I recall thinking as you did a long time ago until a sister told me different and then I got to thinking about it some more. Looks like I need to hear more of what God has to say about it. Thanks again for the verses!! 🙂
This is such a good discussion Tracy and Rebecca — praying more will chime in.
Would like more verses on the subject —
Reasons why it is harder to forgive when the person doesn’t repent
Reasons why we should anyhow…
Here are some verses I found so far, but will continue to look.
Luke 17:3-4 ” Be on Guard! If your brother sins rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent’, forgive him.”
Acts 3:19 “repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord;…
Eph 4:32- “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
Col 3:13- “bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.
WAIT… I just thought of Joseph and his forgiveness of his brothers… I am going to look into that and get back with you all.. I am a little foggy on the details in the area of forgiveness and restoration. I am thinking he forgave them before they repented.
1. Terrible apology
Other person: I’m sorry you were hurt.
Me: I’m sorry I was stupid enough to trust you!
Why it was terrible:
1) Other person didn’t take responsibility for behavior.
2) I tried to MAKE the person take responsibility! I butted in on God’s job.
3) Wasn’t exactly good for the relationship 🙁
2. Rembrandt’s painting. I need to come back to this because I’m kinda brain dead right now (i.e., not too contemplative). But I noticed:
-the father wearing lots of silver
-the son with one shoe off, one on, and the sole worn through
-son’s head & face were shaved; father had long hair/beard (gray)
-the son’s clothes were worn, but looked as if they had been stylish at one time (the trim/style looked “good”)
-Was the person in the background (who was hardest to see) the mother? What about her??
-The people looked white (European)
-the 2 people in the background were sorta foggy/dark or not painted with as much detail. I wonder if they were a memory? Maybe the parents in earlier years before the son left or when he was leaving? (speculation rather than contemplation).
-Father seemed to be consoling the son
Good beginning observations. You can find this painting on google images and blow it up on your desk top to really see it well.
Nouwen spent DAYS in front of it. 🙂
I can see why he spent days looking at it. Each time you look you can see/learn something new!
More Rembrandt. I wanted to see the detail better, so used google images.
Hands and arms: Now I don’t think that the silver stuff was jewelry. I think it was ruffles. (Look at all the tassles) Also, the hands are different (differences in fingers and width of hands). Can also see holes in the son’s clothes.
More Rembrandt: I wanted to see the detail better, so used google images (but if I post all the links, the posting awaits moderation 🙂 ).
Hands and arms: Now I don’t think that the silver stuff was jewelry. I think it was ruffles. (Also, many tassles) Also, the hands are different (differences in fingers and width of hands). Can also see holes in the son’s clothes.
Here’s a lighter version: http://psychohistory2001.com/rembrandt-prodigal-son.jpg
There’s another woman in the upper left hand corner. When I looked at an enlargement of her, I thought her features looked more African. (She was prettier, less “pointy!”)
Enlargement of feet: Hmmm. . . Son’s foot looked relatively clean?
I should have read this before I posted the above. You figured out how to make it bigger — of course you would!
1. A terrible apology was one I heard on the radio given by the CEO of an egg company that was involved in the salmonella outbreak this summer. In his testimony before Congress, he said, “We apologize to every one who MAY HAVE been sickened by our eggs”. (emphasis mine)
Couldn’t he have said We apologize to every one who WAS
sickened by our eggs?
The “may have been” didn’t speak of taking responsibility, at least full responsibility.
Rebecca,
I listened to the Sara Groves song on YouTube, and it really fits in with our study! “How is it between us? When did I talk to you last, and what has happened since?”
I know if I talked to the Lord much, much more, there wouldn’t be so much that “happens” since.
Susan, Me too, Amen! The words are so true of all of us whether we have kids or not. With me, I have A LOT going on to distract me and take my mind off Him-four kids and a husband with two full time jobs. That is why I am always on this bible study. God is really moving here and I want to taste what He wants to show us. I need this study and this fellowship so desperately. I am learning and being challenged here.
I have to admit in my pride I thought this study was just about friendships with women, and thought I might not need to participate because I don’t have any issues with women yet, God is showing me something COMPLETELY different and yes I do have an issue. He has dredged up to the surface that I am coveting what some of my women friends have that I don’t. A husband with ONE job, no children with ADHD and Autism, and the real burner-they take vacations a lot. 🙂 We haven’t had a vacation since our oldest was two and he is eleven now.
This is selfish and horrible to have in my heart and I want it rooted out now. It is by no accident that I have plenty of women friends who fall into the category I listed above. God is good and He is faithful in his promise to refine me. 🙂
Oh and so far in this study.. I am really being convicted about how the Father forgave the prodigal as opposed to how I forgive people closest to me. Am I extravagant in my forgiveness?
I think it’s interesting that no matter what the topic is in a Bible study, i.e. The Friendships of Women or whatever, what surfaces is always our own relationship with the Lord.
And you do have alot on your plate, and I think it is wonderful that you are seeing how God is refining you, yet as a mom of four and the ADHD and autism and your husband working two jobs, Jesus does understand your emotions and struggles. He was in every way like us, yet without sin, so he is a High Priest who can truly understand and empathize with you!
Susan, I thought I told you how encouraging you were to me today with this comment, but I haven’t yet! Thanks so much!! I needed it. Tonight was not a good night as far as me really blowing it with my older son. Long story.. God is really challenging me to let go of my children more and more as they get older.
Rebecca, I feel your pain sister…praying for you. I was thinking as I read this that it may be a great opportunity for God to work. I have found apologizing to a child a wonderful thing. They love to forgive. It might help him too if you can explain your own feelings about him growing up and all.
Anne, Thanks!! You are so right! I apologized to him even though my feelings weren’t totally there yet and explained why I was frustrated in detail and that I loved him and I cared. That is why I have been on him in regard to responsibility issues. Thankfully, the issue at hand wasn’t related to his ADD or Aspergers, he is just being a kid who doesn’t like to work and just wants to have fun all the time.
It is amazing how different my boys are. My two youngest are the responsible workers and my two eldest are the polar opposite. 🙂
This is a hot topic, whether we must unconditionally forgive everyone, or only forgive when the offender repents and asks for forgiveness. I know mature, solid Christians who differ strongly in their opinions on this.
Forgiveness is such an extensive topic in itself. It’s not saying, “Oh, that’s okay!” Unforgiveness is when we are brooding about the offense, going over and over it in our minds, perhaps thinking vengeful, hateful thoughts, or even physically acting out revenge. Obviously, that kind of stuff hurts us. Charles Stanley says that forgiveness is when you cancel the debt owed to you by the offender. You don’t act in ways toward them that somehow “make them pay” for what they have done, like the “silent treatment”, or withholding love or affection.
So do you have to forgive someone who doesn’t repent? Is it a one time thing? I think sometimes forgiveness is a process, and you may have to say it over and over again to God.
You might pray about the person and forgive them, releasing them to God, and two hours later find your mind beginning to brood again and go where it shouldn’t, and then you have to talk to God again about it.
I am going to chime in again on this subject, why it’s harder to forgive when the person doesnt repent, and why we should anyhow. We have been studying Luke 6 in church, a sermon series our pastors have called “Life Upside Down”, because it is the total opposite of how the world would do things.
Yesterday we were in Luke 6:27-36. From the Life Application Bible:
But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you.
Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also.
Give what you have to anyone who asks you for it; and when things are
taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. Do for others as you would like them to do for you.
Do you think you deserve credit merely for loving those who love you?
Even the sinners do that! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, is that so wonderful? Even sinners do that much!
And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, what good is that? Even sinners will lend to their own kind for a full return.
Love your enemies! Do good to them! Lend to them! And don’t be concerned that they might not repay. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for He is kind to the unthankful and to those who are wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.
Backing up to verse 20, our pastor made the point that Jesus was specifically talking to His disciples here. That’s us today, as His followers. The pastor made two great points:
Love is always prepared to save the other individual.
Love is always prepared to lose one’s personal rights for the sake of the other person.
It would seem that in this passage, all these people that Jesus is telling us to love, to act toward them with kindness, to pray for them, to pour out your love even when there is no reciprocation, ones he calls “our enemies”, would these not be “unrepentent” people, people who have harmed us in some way and have not asked our forgiveness?
During his sermon, pastor asked us to have a specific person in our mind so we could be applying these truths to a real person in our lives.
And the biggest reason, he said, to do all of this? In verse 35, where it says we will be acting like children of God, God who is kind to the unthankful and the wicked. God who is compassionate. And our pastor reminded us that “While you were dead, Christ died for you”. That was before we repented, when we were unthankful and wicked.
Yet the big question was “How can I do this?” It’s impossible. The answer is “Christ in me”.
Susan,
ALL EXCELLENT references. I think this is the key: And our pastor reminded us that “While you were dead, Christ died for you”. That was before we repented, when we were unthankful and wicked.
I think as you stated earlier it goes both ways. Christ died for us while we were unrepentant and wicked. That is Him extending to us His unconditional grace and mercy. God is even the one who brings us to repentance! 🙂 Yes indeed, we can’t excersize true mercy toward anyone without Christ in us. Great point.
Also, I think while what we just discussed is true, it is also true that in order to restore a relationship repentance needs to come into the picture somehow so there is a place for repentance prior to forgiveness needed to restore a relationship. But, I could be making this harder than it needs to be. :0)
I was also noticing that in most cases in scripture in order for someone to see their need for Jesus they usually come into repentance or being really sorry for their sin first. Jesus was making that point with the Pharisees. If someone doesn’t repent how can they come to Jesus and accept his unconditional forgiveness?
To that last question, I would answer that it is true that “if someone doesn’t repent, how can they come to Jesus…? I had a good friend named Mary, and she would illustrate salvation by drawing a stick figure person lying “dead”, and she always taught that salvation is entirely of God, and not man, because a dead man can do nothing for himself.
So a person cannot come to Jesus on their own.
Jesus said that no one can come to Him unless the
Father draws him. In Romans, Paul writes that there is no one who seeks after God.
So I believe that the conviction of sin, of changing one’s mind about the way they have been living, of seeing their need for a Savior is all the work of God the Holy Spirit.
I agree with you that in our relationships with one another, repentence is needed and then forgiveness in order to restore the relationship.
The more I think about the parable of the prodigal son, I think the father had already forgiven his son long before he came back home. So maybe we make a decision to forgive and to let go of bitterness, anger, hurt, whatever, and then if and when the person comes to us with a genuine apology, we give to them what we already possess.
This is pretty deep stuff, isn’t it?!
Susan, I like the way you said this 🙂
“So maybe we make a decision to forgive and to let go of bitterness, anger, hurt, whatever, and then if and when the person comes to us with a genuine apology, we give to them what we already possess.”
Susan, YES it is pretty deep and it has been a HUGE blessing talking about this with you!
It’s funny, if you read what I wrote then read what you wrote above it looks like we both are pretty much on the same page in regard to God being the one who draws us into repentance, well and pretty much the rest of it. ;0)
I am telling you I haven’t had this much great fellowship in digging deep in a very long time. LOVE IT!!!!
Susan,
Oh and I had another thought in answer to my question about the older prodigal son and whether or not the father would have forgiven him for his prideful arrogant heart. Forgiveness was there for him, he just refused it. His heart was cold and arrogant, not humble like the younger brother. Despite this cold heart, the father pleaded with him yet he refused him-there was no humility found in him-no repentance either, BUT forgiveness was there for him for the taking.
O.K. here is another reference where there was no repentance first from the older son to the father yet the father still said everything he had was his..Well, here it is:
28″The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31″ ‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ ”
I don’t know, just a thought. God has been speaking to me on this all morning..So I will hush and continue to listen to God and let someone else chime in. ;0)
It reminds me of what is written in 2 Peter 3:9 “He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”
Christ offers forgiveness for all but does not force anyone to take it because of giving us free will.
Without repenting we cannot accept Christ. At the same time if we are to be Christlike we must forgive unrepentant people because God doesn’t want us to spoil our walk with Him by keeping bitterness in our hearts, putting it on the throne instead of God Himself. Bitterness is an idol and has no place in our lives.
In my life I’ve had a hard time understanding what person to person forgiveness entails because of how the world has its many interpretations of what forgiveness really means. Some think it excuses the offense, calling it “right” because it’s been forgiven. I disagree with this view because God doesn’t think sin is OK just because He’s forgiven it. Sin is still sin, right is right and wrong is wrong. But His mercy triumphs.
I’ve found myself forgiving yet still having bitterness rise up inside, so I keep praying and asking God to give me the gift of true forgiveness for that person. It seems impossible to truly forgive without God’s Hand of supernatural grace at work in us. Every act of true forgiveness, then, is a miracle of God in our hearts.
Tracy, Excellent, thorough and humbling response. 🙂
Just reading comments in some downtime at work and very interested in looking at painting where I can see up close. What I found was a reproduction. I didn’t realize this at first. There are differences so be careful that you get images of the original.
I saw a reproduction too (didn’t know it at first)— and it was different enough (clearer, but not as good) that I was (jokingly) thinking of it as paint-by-number. Then I was looking for it again because I wanted to see some more detail (I thought maybe it had been digitally enhanced or that someone had cleaned centuries worth of gunk from it!). When I finally found it again, I learned it really was paint-by-number 🙂
That is too funny! I haven’t seen paint-by-number for years! 🙂
Was reading your very intriguing discussion of repentance and forgiveness and thinking about the verses posted (too lazy to look them up myself). Well, my curiosity got the best of me and I looked up the Parable of the Prodigal Son (in a couple versions). So here goes #3 (though I’m not done with #2)
3. Slowly read the planned apology of the younger son in Luke 15:18-19.
A. I will arise and go to my father (Why is face to face usually best? Why is e-mail TERRIBLE? )
I’m going to change the second part of the question because I don’t believe that email is ALWAYS terrible!! Although, in general, I agree that face-to-face is better (for all the reasons posted already), sometimes we hurt someone or are hurt so severely that face to face communication is so painful/frightening that it’s not going to happen. Carefully written apologies initially might be better than face-to-face apologies because they give the recipient time to process the information and because they provide written “evidence” of the wrong-doing (e.g., if someone had betrayed my trust several times — or if I had panic attacks even thinking about the person – been there!, I’d prefer a written apology (to begin to restore the relationship). Both oral and written attempts at apology have the potential to be helpful or harmful.
Just thinking Jesus (the Word became flesh) took on human form — face to face or in the flesh is good! But we also have the Word of God in written form, and God spoke & people wrote — so I think writing CAN be good, too, as long as it’s not used instead of or as an excuse to avoid a personal relationship or avoid humbling ourselves in repentance.
When I read the parable this time, I realized I’m not sure when the youngest son started to repent. Are the following verses indicative of repentance or are they the practical recognition and strategy to get food?
“He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. ‘When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.”
Perhaps the beginning of repentance was the recognition that his Father could meet his needs?
If that’s the case, the Father (the forgiver) is by nature the initiator. Similarly, should I expect someone to come to me and ask for forgiveness if they think that I am unforgiving? We never do find out the motives of the younger son, but the compassion of the father is very evident. Likewise, I can approach the Father, even when my motives may be questionable, and His compassion draws me to Him and ultimately brings about repentance. We often think of forgiveness as a process, but repentance may be a process as well.
And all this leads me to your ongoing discussion (good job, ladies!). Repentance first? Forgiveness first? Hmmm. . .? Certainly, God provided means for forgiveness before people repented; and His love draws people to repentance. Among us humans who are not always trustworthy, forgiveness and repentance seem to go together in rebuilding trust and restoring relationships, as Rebecca already discussed. But I’d be in sad shape if my forgiveness by God were dependent on my perfect demonstrations of repentance — because it takes me awhile for the extent of my wrong-doing to soak in!
Renee, I agree with what you said about a written apology giving the receipient time to process the information. It can also be a good way to collect your thoughts when apologizing. This was why I preferred writing notes when I was so awkward at speaking in junior high. Although a particular friend criticized this manner of communication, I felt it was helpful to give me the time to slow down, think it over and say what I intended to say without the obstacles of my awkward communication.
You’re right, both verbal and written apologies can be good or bad… I think it’s the spirit in which the apology is given that will come through either method. A bad apology can be in any form. So can a good one.
Renee,
I like this: “Likewise, I can approach the Father, even when my motives may be questionable, and His compassion draws me to Him and ultimately brings about repentance. We often think of forgiveness as a process, but repentance may be a process as well.” -SO TRUE! Amen sister.
Repentance being a process was demonstrated in the younger son’s life.
I also liked this: “Perhaps the beginning of repentance was the recognition that his Father could meet his needs?”
Thanks, Rebecca 🙂
Back to Rembrandt again. Why did he paint this? What do all the details in the painting mean? I tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to get “into his head.” I read that he painted religious themes because of the influence of someone under whom he studied — and that wasn’t satisfying enough for me.
Another biography indicated that he spent too much money (i.e., lived beyond his means), declared bankruptcy, and then died in poverty (at age 63). Despite that, he was active as an artist. The Return of the Prodigal Son was painted a year before he died.
Here are 5 of his works (or links to) about the prodigal son. http://www.artbible.info/art/large/369.html I wonder if he ever accepted forgiveness. In late adolescence/early adulthood, I believed that if the Holy Spirit was at work in my life, I would feel miserable, very guilty, always “under conviction.” That idea can turn into self-flagellation — and almost creating my own guilt to “earn” forgiveness. The number of Rembrandt’s works on the prodigal son (and very little additional info about him) are causing me to wonder about his level of desperation/ his search for forgiveness.
The contrast between the textiles and colors in Rembrandt’s paintings are interesting. It seems that he would have had to have some experience with wealth to capture some of the exquisite detail in “The prodigal son wastes his inheritance.” In contrast, the textiles depicted in “the return of the prodigal son” aren’t as over the top, although they do show that the father had some wealth. Whereas the one painting portrays flamboyance, the other portrays more tradition and stability. Rembrandt living in the Jewish quarter of Amsterdam, so was most likely familiar with Jewish tradition (e.g., the tassels).
Another observation. The hands of the guy standing up also seem mismatched, both in size and skin color. And what’s with the hat of the guy sitting down? Does the style mean something? It sorta reminds me of the hat in “the prodigal son wastes his inheritance” minus the feather. Interesting that Rembrandt used himself as a model in the painting of the wild one, but not in the painting of repentant one. (at least they don’t look alike). Enough wondering and speculation 🙂 Perhaps the artistically enlightened can explain?
Happy Monday Everyone!!! it’s day 2 of my birthday week and today’s mail brought me my Friendships of Women book. Thursday is my birthday and I’ve given myself the day off-one of the perks of being self employed. I was able to shift my client to another open time slot.
Before I jump in with my answers to the first two questions, I’m gonna slide into the discussion about forgiveness. Susan shared the verses I have been living out as I interact with my ex husband. Forgiveness has kept me out of the prison of bitterness and although I will never forget I can choose not to continually dwell on what transpired between us. I learned another valuable lesson in forgiveness just last Sunday. A friend took me out for lunch and as we were finishing this guy came in, he who use to work as a handyman for one of my clients. As soon as we got back in the car I told her about an incident that had taken place between me and this guy. He had tried to enter the house where I was working. Instead of knocking on the door he jiggled the door knob to see if it was unlocked. He did that with all the doors of the house and it frightened me. When I left he claimed he just needed to come in to use the bathroom. As soon as I related all that to my friend the Spirit spoke two words to me ‘Forgive him’. It had been two years since the incident and I was still holding on to it and so, I finally let go and forgave.
There are times when I’m tempted to dwell on something that happened years ago. I’ve learned to say out loud ‘I’ve already forgiven so and so. I have family members who have told me they have never hurt me but I know different. One family member even told me they weren’t sorry for anything they have done.
Yes, we must forgive even if there is no true repentance from the offender. We must forgive as we have been forgiven.
1. A terrible apology includes the words ‘You’re so sensitive’. I think these words are used to shift blame on the offended.
2. Wow! Dee, I really enjoyed contemplating this print last night before I went to bed. I too looked at it closer on the web site of an art gallery. What an incredible gift the people of Russia have.
Since Renee pointed out that there is a woman in the painting I’ll start with her.
I believe this is the mother of the prodigal son. She has such a look of tenderness on her face (like that of the father). Although never mentioned in scripture, she is happy her wayward son is home so she can ‘mother’ him. I wonder if Rembrandt painted her in the shadows because of her absence in the story.
Now, I’ll tell you who I think she represents. I see her as a picture of the Holy Spirit who was sent to call attention not to himself but to Christ Jesus.
I’m going to go around the back of the painting and bring us to the servant. That’s who I think he is. He waits to attend to the needs of the prodigal son at the direction of the father. Do you think he could be representative of the unseen angels who are sent to minister to the children of God?
It’s my opinion that the guy seated is a friend (maybe his best friend) of the father who was invited to witness such an intimate moment. Maybe this was the guy who listened to the father’s lamenting the loss of his son and his hopeful expectation that he would return. I think he represents the scribes.
Now we get to the finely dressed older brother. The one who had to do not only his share of the work but had to catch the slack when his younger brother left. Seems to me he is not pleased AT ALL with the actions of the father. He is resting on a staff and when I first noticed it I thought,”he’s holding a ‘rod of correction'”. To me this rod represents the law and we know how meticulous the Pharisees were about keeping the law. In fact, the law stated that a son or daughter who curses-speaks disrespectfully, dishonors- their parents was to be put to death. The elder brother doesn’t think his brother deserves a second chance at life. “Let’s stone him” may have been the thought going through his mind.
Next is the younger son. He represents the tax collectors and sinners. The ones with the soul diseases Jesus came to heal. As I studied the back of his head I saw the effects of his having lived in the world out from under the umbrella of the father’s protection. There is such a look of relief and security on his face as he lays his head on the chest of his father. He’s back where he should have been all along.
Finally, the father. He’s looking down at the child he thought he might not ever see again. He’s so happy his son chose to come home. He gives no indication if he feels the dispproval of the elder son. That’s of no consequence to him right now. ‘Just let me embrace my son’. To me the hands speak of acceptance. Acceptance back into the bonds of family fellowship. We know the father represents God the Father. His red robe is representative of Christ’s atoning blood which cleansed us of our unrighteousness. I think Renee mentioned the silver bracelets. In the OT silver represented atonement.
I’ve just have one more thought. It’s really a question. Do you think the shadow represents our Christ Jesus who is hidden from us until we step into eternity?
Happy Birthday Week, Tammy!
I appreciate your sharing your forgiveness experiences — and like your contemplations about the people in the painting. The scribe friend is interesting. Is he wearing glasses? (Weren’t glasses invented by B. Franklin?). I’m starting to see optical illusions — or get a bigger image or monitor. I’m seeing a couple other things that don’t make much sense. I’m fascinated by the use of light and shadows across the entire painting.
Thanks Renee! Wish all of you could join me Thursday on Jekyll Island. What a time of worship we could have at the beach!
Happy Belated Birthday, Tammy. I thought I’d be online yesterday and was going to wish you a happy birthday then. I hope your day was great and filled with blessings!
I had another thought about the father after I went downstairs. (My comuputer is upstairs) I read last night that the hands of the father are considered to be the center of the painting. I immediately saw the hands of the father representing Christ. I thought of Jesus touching the lepers, the dead, the children-those who were not valued by society. A touch (when used properly) speaks so much louder than words. It shouts ‘I acknowledge you’.
NOUWEN NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE IN THE TWO HANDS…
The hand on the left looks smaller and more feminine, while the hand on the right looks strong and masculine.
Tracy! GREAT observation.. I have been pondering on ‘why’ the hands are different like that. I just thought one hand looked weak and the other strong, but I think your observation is dead on right. It could be symbolizing the two characteristics of God. He is loving, gentle, a nurturer like a female, and He is also our provider, protector like a male.
Wow, great discussions!
I like this: “Likewise, I can approach the Father, even when my motives may be questionable, and His compassion draws me to Him and ultimately brings about repentance. We often think of forgiveness as a process, but repentance may be a process as well.” -SO TRUE! Amen sister.
Repentance being a process was demonstrated in the younger son’s life
I’ve found myself forgiving yet still having bitterness rise up inside, so I keep praying and asking God to give me the gift of true forgiveness for that person. It seems impossible to truly forgive without God’s Hand of supernatural grace at work in us. Every act of true forgiveness, then, is a miracle of God in our hearts.
After reading these 2 comments it made me think of those verses in Philippians that say…”continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” Phil 2:12,13.
I agree wholeheartedly with Tracy – that it is a work of God in our hearts to forgive, and I also agree with Renee – that repentance can be a process, which is also a work of God in a person’s heart.
Your discussions are so rich – thanks ladies!
What I saw in the painting was the humble position of the prodical, kneeling, with his head buried in his father’s chest. The shaved head and beard of the prodical, the loving hands of the father.
Wow — it was a busy stimulating night on the blog!
Forgive me for the poor painting I put in. I must be more careful — making you look at a poor one. I think I now have a better print in there. Thanks for spotting that Anne!
I love that you are challenging me too — like “I don’t think e-mail is always terrible.” (I still think it has a propensity for making things worse — I do think there are times for a written note as an apology. But I think the kind you write, seal, and have to take to a mailbox to mail — shows care, and makes you slow down is safer. What do you think?)
Loved the illustration of the dead person. God alone brings life, forgiveness — and such astute observations about the Father in the parable. It began with him. Forgiveness was waiting for the older son even when there no repentance…but he refused.
Such a good group. Thank You, Lord for quickening each woman and making the fire blaze!
I agree about mailing a note of apology as opposed to emailing. The written word is a process of thought and thoughtfulness, so I can see where a note would be better. It is also tangible, which can serve as a reminder of our contrition to the other person.
I’m not sure why my junior high friend criticized note writing… it was before the days of email. I think she just saw it her way and didn’t take another person’s point of view into account. (Ironically I am speaking of the friend I have recently forgiven, whom I wrote about last week in this study. Forgiveness really makes me feel lighter about the whole situation even as I recall things that occured in the distant past. God is great!)
From a sender’s point of view, I agree that “regular” mail causes me to slow down — which is VERY good (but I’m learning to slow down on email too — learned the hard way)! I also know that I haven’t sent some things because they require an envelope and a stamp (which might mean a trip to the post office!).
From a recipient’s perspective: “it depends!” I’ve had the experience that when someone else gets (i.e., misplaces) the mail, I hadn’t seen some things I received for 2 years (and lost touch with a friend who thought I was ignoring her). Even now, although I usually SEE my mail, if I’m too busy, it ends up in a pile and I forget to open it (unless it is very well labeled or I am expecting it). Under ideal circumstances, I’d prefer “real” mail — but I also know that much of what was sent to me never arrived, even though I hadn’t moved for 10 years (long story). The worst case scenario is when something that is important personally goes to my (snail) mailbox at work — simply because 99% of our written communication is electronic, I almost don’t see that paper mail is there! I guess my opinions have changed as time as changed (but I still can’t make myself write emails using texting language — lol or whatever 🙂 )
I do wonder about generational differences in perceptions due to technological changes. I’m semi-okay with email apologies in a few situations — especially as preliminary to a phone call, but cringe when I hear of some types of info being conveyed by text message or Facebook. Recently, I made an attempt to call several people because I was concerned they’d read some bad news on Facebook. But Facebook was an ok way for others to relay/receive the message. So. . .I don’t know.
Perhaps the most effective method of apology is made when the person apologizing seeks to use the method that is most effective in reaching the recipient — and that will vary from person to person and severity of the offense ?????? And flowers would be nice 🙂
Just thinking some more 🙂 My “trouble” with snail mail is not primarily a time issue – or money, or even going to the post office. I spend time preparing and sending packages 🙂 and a ton of time figuring out what gifts people might like. But I’ve been known to drive 15 miles to pay a bill (more than once!) because I don’t want to mail it (and it can’t be paid electronically). My life has become so computerized, especially through work, that the best way for me to keep up with everything else is to focus on what I do most. I don’t hand write very much anymore — and this is from someone who used to do painstaking calligraphy. Makes me think it’s time to step back and evaluate, not just the apology issue (I usually apologize quickly, before things escalate, and therefore it occurs face to face. I think I’m more likely to hurt someone by talking than by writing — in any form), but whether I’ve become too isolated from friends because of the computer. . .
Last week the computers were down for a day at work; I worked from home in the morning because I had internet access at home. When I went in to work in the afternoon, many had left because they couldn’t do anything. I even look up phone numbers for people at work online. I enjoyed walking to offices to interrupt people. This study on friendship might help me interrupt people more frequently 🙂
I was thinking in regard to the painting of who that faint person is in the background.
First thought was that perhaps it was an angel rejoicing at the younger son’s repentance and restoration to the Father or perhaps it is Jesus, and I was looking for the trinity there..The Father embracing the younger son and Jesus behind him? The three men on the side have significance too. Not sure yet what that is.
Then I thought that the faint person in the background could be the older brother who is watching in the shadow from afar-still accepted by the father but not in the Father’s embrace. Still pondering this. 🙂
I think the figure in the background looks like a woman, could it be his mother?
To make this short..God just answered that prayer request I had last week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He did so in HIS way and in HIS timing! My husband made a wise decision on his own without me being his Holy Spirit. ;P
God spoke to his heart because he came and told me IN DETAIL why he made the decision he did and while he took my ‘red flags’ into consideration that wasn’t the primary reason he made the choice he made. His decision was based on the Lord giving him clarity helping him think through everything and really examine it. God showed him the truth about it. I have never seen my husband so confident about a decision. :0) To GOD BE THE GLORY.
I’ve been catching up on all the blogging going and there are so many in depth discusions going on here! Kendra and I are sitting with my sister-in-law (that is more like a sister to me) at the hospital this week, giving my brother a break to go home and rest, eat and take care of things at their place. She had a total hip, but has had a very bad reaction to the pain medication they had her on. She was really out of her head. I’ll be helping as much as I can at the hospital untill friday and then at their house all week end, so I won’t get time to blog here probly. I’m reading the friendships of women as I sit with her.
I printed out a copy of this picture from google that everyone is commenting about so I could look at it closer. The man standing with a turban on his head has one dark hand and one lighter colored hand. I see the lady way in the background in the left upper corner and the older lady behind the father and son towards the middle. Why is the son’s head shaved? The man sitting with one leg over the other leg is holding the crossed leg with his left hand. His right,lower arm and hand is there across his chest, but he has no shoulder or upper arm on his right side there. That looks strange, the way that arm is. Maybe that is just an illusion as the background is like a watercolor painting all run together and “muddeled” (new word!) Matter of fact there could be all kinds of faces muddeled together in the background. Also the son kneeling has one shoe off and one shoe on and is carrying a knife on his side. The fathers hands seem like one is bigger than the other? Don’t have a clue as to what all this means! Gotta go!
Joyce, Good comments and questions! Wonderful you and Kendra are spending time at hospital. What a gift you are to your brother and sister-in-law.
I saw the knife this afternoon, too (or something that looks like it). Wasn’t shaving the head a sign of sorrow or repentance or grief or something like that??? I was wondering how many people were in the shadows that I couldn’t see, too!
You mentioned the man who is sitting — I wonder why one person gets to sit? (In the first picture, for some reason, I thought he looked like Spanish bullfighters I used to see on TV!). His mustache is quite different from the facial hair of the others.
Maybe Rembrandt had the artistic freedom to paint some things the way he did “just because” —no doubt, a lot of the painting has symbolic meaning. But I’m wondering if I’m looking for too much!
Joyce, miss you! Praying for your sister in law and that situation. Great observations on the painting!
This picture is great! I have been able to zero in to great detail. I can see the specks of dust or age whatever it is. I have never been able to see the figure in the upper left at all. Now that I can it looks like one of those wraiths from Lord of the Rings! Do I watch too many movies or what!
Anne, go back to Renee’s 3rd post and she gave a link to the picture that you can see the person way towards the back.
I don’t think the woman in the background is the mother. Her face, while engaged is too passionless.
That’s true. I would expect there to be more expression if she is the mother, too. I wonder who she is?
Is it my eyes or is there a beard on that person? Not sure if it is a woman or not. :~)
I have been reading about the email apology vs. a letter of apology. The thing I don’t like about email is that you can compose and send in a snap. I find that I need to wait and come back to a composition when I am in a different mood so I can see how it will sound to another. But there is nothing as difficult as eating humble pie and apologizing face to face. While email and snail mail may be the only option at times, in person is far better in my opinion.
Another thing I don’t like about email (or other online forms of writing) is that I have lost what I’ve written after spending a lot of time. I’m starting to learn to save emails in the “draft” folder (and some change quite a bit before they are sent). For me, it’s usually easier to apologize in person than through any kind of writing — because I end up imagining all kinds of inaccurate scenarios if I take too much time to write something. When I’m talking with someone face to face, we both get immediate feedback. And if I’m not VERY hurt, I’d rather receive an apology face to face.
In contrast, if someone has betrayed my trust to the point I’m frightened of him/her, I’d hide if I saw that person approaching, not so much because I would be unwilling to accept an apology/forgive but I’d be either terrified of being hurt again or desperate to avoid the hassle. This discussion is helping me think about the importance of restitution and restoration for the “victim.” I’m seeing that repentance involves much more than apologizing and receiving forgiveness; it means willingness to do what it takes to restore the situation I messed up. I’m thinking about what it cost Jesus to redeem and restore me . . . and about what Dee said about recognizing the impact of my offense on the person(s) I hurt. Understanding the nature and extent of the offense may provide insight into the “best” approach/steps to apologizing and providing restitution (when/if it is even possible).
Summary of my rambling: I can’t be pinned down on what I think is the best method of apology. But I can be pinned down on what NOT to say!
Anne, I agree. I think there are times to use e-mail, letter etc.. and times NOT to depending on the situation AND depending on the person’s ability to communicate without feelings taking the lead.
If you write, or communicate face to face it might be wise to do the sandwich effect validating/recognizing their feelings first, then get to the meat of the matter but be wise in how you express it, then end with encouragement. IT IS HARD especially when you feel they are wrong. We still have to have compassion, and validate their feelings. Jesus is the one who gives us the compassion and strength to step outside ourselves and do this.
Never, ever write an e-mail when angry or emotional, and even if you aren’t angry or emotional, sit on it for a day.. Compose it on word and sit on it for a while and go back to it, then send it via e-mail, and include smiley faces during the encouragement part and maybe during the validating part!! ;P
Sometimes it isn’t possible to communicate face to face so a letter or e-mail has to be considered but you have to be very careful and wise with your words.
I would prefer face to face or over the phone even if necessary before writing though.
One more observation on this topic- Recently, I have seen the destruction within the board of an organization i am part of due to someone on the board who was hurt by someone else on the board and chose the e-mail route as a way to express her hurt and she wrote it while angry.
The woman it was directed at was hurt but also chose not to deal with it via e-mail. She had no clue she hurt this woman, there were no signs and it was unintentional. She wisely chose to hold an emergency meeting so it could be worked out. The woman who was hurt preferred the e-mail method and she chose not to meet face to face to work it out and resigned her position. It was sad, but a good example of how dangerous doing it via e-mail can be depending on the person. Nothing wrong with e-mail though, but just thought I would give this example.
Rebecca,
Sandwich approach — very wise!
Very good example. Oh dear. . .definitely not good to avoid someone else’s attempts at reconciliation. Now I’m wondering. . . I’m thinking of a work situation with a group of people (most haven’t met face to face because of the distance). One person has “screamed” at us by phone and email, probably to get control, but his work quality hasn’t put him in a “control” position. I have been intimidated by the email “screaming” and am thankful this group is not often thrown together. If he initiated a meeting, I’d prefer to avoid it, but would attend if it were a work expectation. How would I know if his intent was “more of the same” or to “work things out?” I’d expect “more of the same.” “Work things out” would require some major repentance; and yet, that’s what God is in the business of doing — and He commands me to forgive. SO (and I think this is the same question that has been raised before, but different setting — but hard to see clearly when in the midst of it), am I commanded to continue to subject myself to the intimidation in case one of the mtgs might be initiated for repentance? (My gut reaction: The repentance ain’t gonna happen — and THAT reaction is limiting God!). We’re being “thrown together” again in a few weeks 🙂 Grr. ..
Rebecca, that’s why I like the sandwich idea. If someone were to attempt a meeting to work things out — and gave me a hint that reconciliation was the purpose, I’d be more likely to willingly participate. If I didn’t have that “hint,” I’d want to bolt, but would attend due to work expectations. Yet my protective walls likely would be up. Shows me the importance of having my security/safety in Christ so that I can forgive. It’s easier to forgive someone I love (especially if I understand the circumstances) — so that also means praying that God would help me love the “screamer” as He loves him.
Wow Renee, I am with you, I wouldn’t attend that meeting unless I knew the purpose was to work things out, OR it was a requirement for my job. There is no need to subject oneself to an explosive or oppressive situation unless it is a situation where you could be light in darkness with your attitude and responses. I wouldn’t do e-mail at all on this one. I would just pray for the guy and ask God to make you aware of opportunities and give you wisdom when there are opportunities to gossip about him at work. Sometimes the gossip can be deceptive and easy to engage in. I know I have done it before at the place I worked in and got majorly convicted. ;P
I found a song about the prodigal son on youtube that is beautiful. I don’t know how to get the link on here, but just look up “Welcome home” by Brice Mercer on youtube. This song made me think about something in the picture. Could the father represent Jesus and we were the sinner coming home,repenting as the son? Or not repenting as the older son? Just a thought. Also the hands of the father look like one is a mother’s hand (or of a women’s hand)and the other one looks like the father’s hand (or like a man’s hand). Maybe it is representing God forgiving a man or a women. My sister-in-law is doing much better. Goodnight
Dear Rebecca,
Just want to let you know I prayed for you this morning, for lots of encouragement and support from the Lord as you go about your day today. (Thanks to Anne in her reply to you above and she said she was praying for you – a good reminder to me to not just offer “advice” but always a call to prayer!)
Exciting to hear also about how God answered your prayer in the decision your husband had to make. That always gives us encouragement to see answers to prayer!
I also agree with Anne about how our children love to forgive; yes, I blow it too with my kids, and I think it is a great example to them when we, as moms, model saying we are sorry and ask for forgiveness when we are wrong. I know, because I once talked to a young woman who told me about her problems with her mother, and one thing that stood out to me was she said that when her mom did something wrong, she never apologized or admitted she was wrong. You are modeling humility before your children when you do that!
Susan, YOU DON’T KNOW how you just encouraged me!!! Thanks so much for praying! It is a struggle in the morning before school and God is teaching me a lot. School only lasts 12 years. It is a short time in their life and it isn’t worth having blowing out of proportion like I do sometimes. My husband has shown more compassion than I have and he reminds me too. God spoke to me this morning this way. He put the Rembrandt picture in my head and put me in the Fathers place and my son in the younger son’s place. That is how he wants me and my husband to handle my son. The feminine and the masculine hand really spoke to me.
Tammy,
I prayed for a sunny and warm day on Jekyll Island for your birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day off work.
I wanted to tell you how I admire your not just being a hearer of the Word, but a doer! I had read on the last post how you made a special cake for your ex husband on his birthday. Wow. You are really striving to live out with very real practical things what God asks us to do. I’m sure it’s not always easy for you, either! But to hear your testimony is very encouraging to me!
Have a very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY, thursday, Tammy!!!!
Oh and Tammy, you had some AWESOME observations about that painting!
I am learning from everyone else’s observations. I looked at it enlarged this morning. I was wondering if the shadowy person in the background was perhaps the older brother, hanging back and not at all welcoming the return of his younger brother?
Someone asked, I think Joyce, why the head was shaved on the younger son. Could that be a sign of sorrow or repentance? Like when Job lost all he had, didn’t he tear his clothes and shave his head?
Susan
Thank you for the prayers and encouraging words. I had a friend tell me after choir practice that she doesn’t understand why I still do activities with my ex. I told her Jesus tells us to be kind to those who hurt us. I think actually living out his words of truth is a foreign concept to many Christians.
I found a site called rembrandtpainting.net which has a high resolution image of the painting. The woman in the background looks to be like a painting on the wall and there is a column behind the men on the right. It looks like the group is meeting in a room.
Hello, Ladies! It’s been forever since I’ve been on here, I know. School has been a little bit crazy, but I decided to grab ten minutes before I leave for class this morning and see what you’ve been up to! I am going to answer question 2, I will (hopefully) be back later to answer more!
2. Contemplate on Rembrant’s painting above, “The Return of the the Prodigal.” Henry Nouwen spent days in front of it, said it changed his life, and wrote an amazing book by the same title. He saw so much in this painting. See what you can see — and I’ll tell you what he saw by the end of the week.
The father is obviously well to do, and the son is obviously homeless. Which, let’s face it, means he proooobably hasn’t showered in a VERY long time. So he would smell. And be filthy. And the father in his fancy clothes embraces him and lets him touch him even covered in filth. I also love that the father has rich friends in the background. These are people are probably used to being the focus of everything, but they aren’t important in this picture. They are background noise which the spot light being on the father and son. Also, when surrounded by peers, it’s easy to take cues from them on how to treat people. They would have walked past a guy who looked like the son without a second glance. If they did glance twice it would be to complain about the refuse in the street. And the father openly embraces his son in front of these men, touching what they would find untouchable, possibly ruining his standing with them. That is love. That is the main thing I see in this picture, love. And forgiveness. It’s beautiful!
And now I need to run and brush my hair before Theory class! I love you guys and am praying for you all!! Hopefully I’ll be back, soon. 😀
Liz, good to “see” you again!
GREAT observations: “I also love that the father has rich friends in the background. These are people are probably used to being the focus of everything, but they aren’t important in this picture. They are background noise which the spot light being on the father and son. Also, when surrounded by peers, it’s easy to take cues from them on how to treat people. . .”
I think you “hit the nail on the head” with the insight about people in the background vs those in the spot light.
The “smell” part made me smile (and grimace). Bad smells are something I have a hard time ignoring — strong gag reflex! And after I’ve been in a stinky situation, the stink stays in (and on!) my head until I wash my hair (both body odor and greasy restaurants have that effect on me). What I’m learning now is the impact of love. As a caregiver who loves someone very much, I’m finding I can live with worse smells longer (partly with the help of stuff to spray in the air!).
Something I’ve often wondered about is the smell — both in the time of Rembrandt and Biblical times; no daily showers! I frequently hear that Americans are obsessed with our version of cleanliness. Certainly the son stunk worse than others; but I wonder if the general stink of everyone (or use of fancy perfumes) helped cope with the stink of the son??
I can’t take my mind off the feminine and the masculine hands in the painting. God is trying to teach me something. I have the rembrandt picture in my mind and I refer to it throughout the day and the hands are what is sticking out right now.
God is male- He is HE definitely. I am not challenging that truth. I also can’t get out of my mind that He made BOTH man and woman in his image. If I say that God has a feminine side it would ruffle the feathers of a lot of people. Yikes!
I have to confess though that I believe he does. He is showing me this side of him and how important it is which causes me to place a higher value on womanhood. In our culture, in the world and in some of our churches we de-value women. It is wrong and can be oppressive, but we do it. The way women are made was done so by a God who loves and values women as well as men. He just gave us different roles. ;0)
Ladies, please correct me if I am wrong.. I am ALWAYS open to correction from you all as you all are very godly ladies who are teachable and humble, and GREAT communicators via writing. :0)
He does have a feminine side. Male and female are made in His image. Jesus said, “Oh Jerusalem, Jerusalem — would that I could gather you like a mother hen under my wings.”
God said, “Can a mother forget her baby? She may forget, but I will not forget you.”
I praise Him for being masculine and sovereign and omnipotent, yet also tender and caring and so relational.
I think this group is amazing in figuring out the hands.
I also praise Him for having both feminine and masculine traits… He is the completion where we are only the halves, incomplete and imperfect, but He is our all!
This means He knows every part of us since He is All in All. He knows what we feel and we are never alone because of this. It’s so great to know we’re protected by His strength AND nurtured by His Love!
Did Nouwen do any specific writings about his observations of this painting? I have only read 1 of his books… can’t recall the title but I think it was something about lifesigns?? Anyway, after this fascinating discussion I would enjoy reading more about his thoughts on it.
He wrote a book with the same title as the painting The Return of the Prodigal Son.
Thought I’d try to find a “Cliff Notes”-type version of the book online. Not done looking, but I found a review that included a quote from the prologue
from http://www.christianodyssey.com/books/nouwen.htm
In the prologue, Nouwen relates:
Each little step toward the center seemed like an impossible demand, a demand requiring me to let go one more time from wanting to be in control, to give up one more time the desire to predict life, to die one more time to the fear of not knowing where it all will lead, and to surrender one more time to a love that knows no limits…. I would never be able to live the great commandment to love without allowing myself to be loved without conditions or prerequisites.
Herein lays the essence of the gospel: God is for us! It confronts us with the fact that … “truly accepting love, forgiveness and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and complete trust.”
Aaaagh. . . See the second paragraph: I was focusing on forgiving or seeking forgiveness. I totally missed the part about accepting love, forgiveness and healing . . “beyond earning, deserving and rewarding” It seems that both forgiving and accepting forgiveness require giving up demand to be in control.
Beautiful 2nd paragraph!
A study guide of the book I haven’t read 🙂
http://www.cokesbury.com/Pdf/TeachableBooks/57_returnoftheprodigalso.pdf
Thanks for posting the link! I will check it out tomorrow when I’m next online.
At art.com I found the picture and they have a blow up part in there that let’s you look really closly at it. The younger son that is knealing has sores on his foot. Also that may be a picture of a women behind on the left.
A terrible apology would be “I’m sorry if you think I done something wrong”. or “I’m sorry even tho I didn’t do anything bad to you”.
I agree with Anne and Rebecca about e-mail and letters. I would rather write a hand written letter to apologize to someone so I could go over it and get it just right and think about it a day or two first.
When we injure a person we also injure God because God wants us to love our neighbors and enemies and to treat them as we would want to be treated.
I will pretend I am the lady who stole your jewelry, Dee and try an effective apology. “Dee, I want you to know how sorry I am for taking your things. When I look into your eye’s I can see how I have hurt you and how much those things meant to you because your late husband gave them to you. I don’t blame you if you hate me as I hate myself for doing that. I have asked God to forgive me and I can only hope that you can also forgive me in time. I’m so sorry I caused you so much pain.”
Dee, I see you will be speaking in MI soon. I’m prayinjg for your safe trip and that many would be blessed by your being there.
thanks for your prayers — I’m planning to take the ferry across the lake and the waves are so high today …. so thanks for praying.
Also –I’m on Family Talk if it is in your area today and tomorrow with Dobson. Even if you can’t listen live or online, I would love your prayers! Joyce and all!
I’m praying, Dee
This from Henry Nouwen himself:
“Often I have asked friends to give me their first impression of Rembrandt’s Prodigal Son. Inevitably, they point to the wise old man who forgives his son: the benevolent patriarch.
“The longer I look at ‘the patriarch’, the clearer it becomes to me that Rembrandt has done something quite different from letting God pose as the wise old head of a family. It all began with the hands. The two are quite different. The father’s left hand touching the son’s shoulder is strong and muscular. The fingers are spread out and cover a large part of the prodigal son’s shoulder and back. I can see a certain pressure, especially in the thumb. That hand seems not only to touch, but, with its strength, also to hold. Even though there is a gentleness in the way the father’s left hand touches his son, it is not without a firm grip.
“How different is the father’s right hand! This hand does not hold or grasp. It is refined, soft, and very tender. The fingers are close to each other and they have an elegant quality. It lies gently upon the son’s shoulder. It wants to caress, to stroke, and to offer consolation and comfort. It is a mother’s hand….
“As soon as I recognized the difference between the two hands of the father, a new world of meaning opened up for me. The Father is not simply a great patriarch. He is mother as well as father. He touches the son with a masculine hand and a feminine hand. He holds, and she caresses. He confirms and she consoles. He is , indeed, God, in whom both manhood and womanhood, fatherhood and motherhood, are fully present. That gentle and caressing right hand echoes for me the words of the prophet Isaiah: “Can a woman forget her baby at the breast, feel no pity for the chile she has borne? Even if these were to forget, I shall not forget
Wow, Dee that is so confirming as to what God is showing me as I wrote above, but I couldn’t put it into words as well as Nouwen did.
Here is what Nouwen said that God stirred in my heart this past week:
“As soon as I recognized the difference between the two hands of the father, a new world of meaning opened up for me. The Father is not simply a great patriarch. He is mother as well as father. He touches the son with a masculine hand and a feminine hand. He holds, and she caresses. He confirms and she consoles. He is , indeed, God, in whom both manhood and womanhood, fatherhood and motherhood, are fully present.”
This has made a HUGE impact in my intimacy with God.
Dee,
I caught you on Family Talk with Dr Dobson this morning on the radio while I was driving – I didn’t know about it so it was a pleasant surprise! Wonderful program – it took me back to our study through your book, The God of All Comfort! Appreciate your vulnerability on the radio.
I am working on a song to sing next Sunday at church. It is simple and beautiful.. I couldn’t help but think of the Rembrandt painting and the hands as I was rehearsing today. So tender and merciful and strongly held in God’s grip.. I am thinking about having them put the Rembrandt painting on the screen along with the words to this song. It may not totally relate to the painting, but the beauty and the depth of the love the Father pours out to the younger son in this painting should make anyone want to give their lives to him, or if one is a prodigal to come back into His loving arms.
I am sure you all have heard this before.. It is called, “All I Wanna Do” by Ginny Owens:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q2n-9I0U1c
Rebecca, that song is beautiful and I know you will sing it just as beautiful!
Go to …myfamilytalk.com…I found Dobson and Dee talking on line and got to listen to it today as I missed it earlier. It was heart wrenching as Dee talks about losing Steve.
Joyce, Thanks! Will do!
Hey, I just found it. It is easy to find via your link, thanks Joyce!! 🙂
The song is beautiful Rebecca. If I could visit your church Sunday I would 🙂 It promises to be very special music.
Perhaps the 2 women in the background might represent members of Rembrandt’s family. One could have been the younger son’s nursemaid and perhaps a sister. I wonder if Rembrandt saw in himself only the younger son.
Also, does the light seem to radiate from the father’s hands. The most light I can see seems to be the feminine hand. This painting is fascinating.
Earlier, I posted that I don’t like the idea of text message apologies. Well, I’ve had my first experience texting an apology —- and it was only the 3rd text message I’ve sent! Today I got a new cell phone. I sent text messages to my nieces, warning them that I could text now. I (thought) I called one of them “dearie” BUT must have typed “drearie” — and since that was spelled wrong, the little computer in the phone finished the word for me: “dreariest!” I started text message #2 (of my whole life) “Hey dreariest.” (and followed up with a 3rd text — “oops. . . “). In light of what we’ve been discussing, probably not the best apology! It will be some time before I will try to type an email on a cell phone 🙂
I’m going to sleep laughing. Good night Dreariest, good night.
That’s so funny! I don’t even know how to text, maybe it’s for the best!
Renee, haha! That made me laugh! :0)
Joyce, :~) Communication by text would be a dangerous thing for me too!
While looking for different links for the picture, I found this article, thought it was very interesting.
PRODIGAL SON: A STORY OF HOMECOMING
Author: Henri J. M. Nouwen
Publication details: Darton, Longman and Todd, London, 1994.
Written in his more mature years, Nouwen’s The Return of the Prodigal Son is a reflection of his spiritual search for identity and belonging. He subtitles it, “A Story of Homecoming,” and so it proves to be. Nouwen first encountered Rembrandt’s painting, the Prodigal Son, when he saw a poster print reproduction hanging on a friend’s door at Trosly, France. His fascination with Rembrandt’s depiction of the Gospel parable, a painting which foregrounded the remorse of the prodigal, the compassionate love of the father, and the stern disapproval of the elder son, did not peter out over the next few years. Instead, the image of the compassionate near-blind father, in Rembrandt’s interpretation, inspired and drew Nouwen to embark on a spiritual pilgrimage of homecoming that lasted years: “… the tender embrace of father and son expressed everything I desired at that moment. I was, indeed, the son exhausted from long travels; I wanted to be embraced; I was looking for a home where I could feel safe.” When he was finally given the opportunity to actually view the painting at the Hermitage in Saint Petersburg, he spent extensive time meditating on the painting that had intrigued him for so long.
Nouwen’s reflections center on the different characters of Rembrandt’s painting, while paying close attention too to the biblical parable from which Rembrandt drew his inspiration. The book is divided, thematically, into three parts or movements: The Younger Son, The Elder Son, and The Father. In fact, Nouwen says that after seeing the Prodigal Son, he recognized that his spiritual journey was marked by “three phases” represented by each of the three family members. We are, as the readers, also invited to identify ourselves with each of the characters in our meditation and thoughts; we are, in turn, the prodigal son, the elder brother, and finally, the father. Inserted into the book is a postcard-sized reproduction of the painting for the reader’s use in meditation and reflection. (The original is more than life size.) It would thus be useful to start with a description of the picture, which interprets the well-known and well-loved parable of Jesus’ storytelling days.
Rembrandt chose to paint his picture by placing the family of three, father, elder son, and prodigal son in the foreground of this homecoming scene. Rembrandt departed from the way Jesus told the parable. He deliberately brought all the characters involved together in just one scene. Rembrandt held on “not to the letter, but to the spirit of the biblical text.” In his painting, the prodigal son kneels at his father’s feet; his back is turned to us, and we see only the beggarly clothes he wears, the shorn head, the repentant pose. The father is old and half-blind; his hands are held out over the lost son in an embrace of forgiveness and love. The elder brother stands a little way away to the right, dressed in the same finery and richly-colored clothes as the father, but his posture is rigid, stern and disapproving. The family is foregrounded by the artist’s use of light to throw them in sharp relief. Behind them, however, are three other characters who form not the main tableau, but the dark and shadowy background. Behind the elder son a man, looking like the family steward, sits, with one hand partly raised, as if beating his breast at the scene he views. Yet his expression is puzzling—it could be indifference. Behind him, shrouded even more by the shadows, is a female servant standing behind a pillar and looking passively on. Yet farther back, in the dark, another shadowy female figure stands, also looking. These three figures bear the same pensive, indifferent demeanor and gaze of the outsider or bystander.
The prodigal son’s departure is occasioned by, firstly, his rejection of his father’s house and ways. Nouwen’s reflection on the son’s leaving and what it meant in eastern culture strikes a deep note about God’s forgiving compassion. In effect, when the prodigal told his father to divide his goods and give him his inheritance, he was telling his father that he wished he were dead. The tragedy of our early human rebellion is nowhere as clearly played out as here in Jesus’ simple parable about an old father with two sons. Luke’s matter of fact style does not bring out the emotional import of those words, “Father, let me have the share of the estate that will come to me,” but every Asian will appreciate their damning effect. The son’s leaving was, therefore, “a much more offensive act than it seems at first reading.” Yet it is only in the safety and sanctum of “home” with his father that the prodigal will truly come to an understanding of himself. Nouwen reaches this understanding in his own journey—“[home] is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says: ‘You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.’”
While never really leaving in the way the biblical prodigal left his father’s house, Nouwen recognizes in himself (and all of us) that impenetrable stubbornness against what we all know intuitively, that humans were made in the image of God, and to bear that image well means entering into the most basic and fundamental of all relationships with the Father as his sons. This was the first mysterious impulse that drew and inspired Nouwen in his personal longing to understand Rembrandt’s painting: “For years I had instructed students on the different aspects of the spiritual life . . . But had I, myself, really ever dared to step into the center, kneel down, and let myself be held by a forgiving God?” For Nouwen, the search for personal insight and identity which provided the strength for his long journey “home” revolves around answering this question. Looking for success and unconditional love in all the wrong places brought him to a point of emptiness and emotional bankruptcy, like the erring son. The Prodigal Son allowed him freedom and lease to consider the wonder and unchanging assurance of the Father’s unconditional love. To collapse, as the prodigal did, before his half-blind and aged father, and to admit his utter bankruptcy and uselessness, was the humbling step to restoration. Not everyone chooses to take this step; only those who know their father’s character are moved to abandon themselves to his mercy alone. In the Prodigal Son, the younger son wears bedraggled clothes, but has, significantly, kept his short dagger at his side. A sign of sonship, the dagger reminds him of his generous father in a way that nothing else did. The dagger also speaks of the inherent dignity the prodigal remembered in his relationship with his father: he was still a son.
All other relationships arise from this one fundamental one; hence, in Rembrandt’s painting, the father is central to both the prodigal and his elder brother. As the father reaches out in unconditional love and forgiveness to his prodigal, he also reaches out to the one who is not the prodigal. In his meditation, Nouwen saw himself first as the prodigal who wandered to a distant country, far from the father’s home and love. As he deliberated on his waywardness, however, he began to see how he also reflected the attitude of the elder brother, the good son who stayed home and did his father’s will. In Jesus’ story, the elder son was so angry with his father’s extravagant treatment of his useless younger brother that he refused to come into the house to join the celebration. Jesus says that the father went out and persuaded his son. The elder son needed to come home, too, and rest in his father’s forgiving embrace. In Rembrandt’s painting, the resentment of the elder son is marked on his face, stern and disapproving of the father’s excessive kindness. The parable that Jesus told and Rembrandt painted might have been better called, “The Parable of the Lost Sons,” for the elder son, in not understanding either his father’s character or his own privileged status as the obedient son, is in many ways more lost than the erring prodigal. The favour that comes to the prodigal comes as a result of his remembering what his father was like. The elder son could not see the point at all.
Nouwen reminds his readers that resentment and gratitude are mutually exclusive and “cannot coexist.” The elder son has to learn that “all of life is a pure gift,” and that truly, nothing we are given is deserved. The father’s spontaneous forgiveness tells us that; his persuading the elder brother also tells us that. In Jesus’ words, the father tells his elder son that everything he had already belonged to him: “You are with me always, and all I have is yours.” In effect, he did not even have to ask to be given a party. He could just have done it—it was his by the gift of sonship already bestowed on him. This was the major difficulty in the elder son’s resentment, and Rembrandt captures his attitude wonderfully. In the Prodigal Son, the elder brother is dressed in clothes that mirror the father’s fine clothes. In fact, they are bound by similar deep red cloaks that stand out in the foreground. The elder son and the father are one. In contrast is the misery of the returning prodigal son. But all this is lost on the elder son, who sees only his father’s extravagant gesture, and who does not yet grasp that he is the father’s son, and “all I have is yours.” Rather, Nouwen tells us, we must look to an infinitely worthier Elder Son for our example, whose relationship with his Father is unspeakably precious and cemented in an eternal give-and-take: “…Jesus is the elder Son of the Father. He is sent by the Father to reveal God’s unremitting love for all his resentful children and to offer himself as the way home. Jesus is God’s way of making the impossible possible—of allowing light to conquer darkness. Resentments and complaints … can vanish in the face of him in whom the full light of Sonship is visible.”
To remain in the positions of the returning prodigal or the elder brother is not enough in our spiritual homecoming. Basking in the Father’s forgiveness, or realizing at last our privileged status as true sons, is liberating and freeing, but only because they push us toward our ultimate end: like Jesus, our Elder Brother, we are called to be like our Father. Thus the final part of Nouwen’s meditation involves our rising to meet the demands of our true vocation—becoming the father whose inviting hands reach out to his erring children in a benevolent gesture of forgiveness and welcome. After all, “a child does not remain a child. A child becomes an adult. An adult becomes father and mother.” The maturity expected of us requires that we first understand what it means to have the Father’s blessing: “You are my Beloved; on you my favor rests.” It also requires that we transcend the ways of children, and do as the Father does: “I now see that the hands that forgive, console, heal, and offer a festive meal must become my own.”
Few people claim such a role for themselves because it is too difficult: “The pains are too obvious, the joys too hidden.” Many do not even go so far as to return to the Father, or remain with the Father. They are the ones shrouded in the shadow and darkness of Rembrandt’s background, the servants who play the role of observing bystanders. Part of the picture, they are nevertheless too hidden in the background for involvement in the touching scene before them. The degree of indifference and separation is indicated by the servants’ distance from the father and the lighted foreground. These passive onlookers are uninvolved; they are hirelings, who can afford to be indifferent bystanders. But sons cannot.
Nouwen’s meditation thus draws to a natural close with his gradual acceptance of his sonship and his maturing vocation to be the welcoming father to others in need. It is not enough to view the painting as an observer; one must also live the painting. Bearing the courage to reach out aging hands in a gesture of benediction and forgiveness means remaining open to both the repentance and rejection of wayward sons. But to not enter into that final maturity is to “shirk … responsibility as a spiritually adult person.” Claiming fatherhood is the final passage of life that he sees God calling him to enter into. As Nouwen views his advancing years, and his own aging hands, he realizes that they were given “to stretch out toward all who suffer, to rest upon the shoulders of all who come, and to offer the blessing that emerges from the immensity of God’s love.”
What a neat article! Thanks for sharing it with us. I will have to put this book on my list of things to read. God Bless!
Fellowsojourner,
Thankyou for sharing this! This alone could be a study all by itself.
Several things struck me as I slowly read the above.
That the text in Luke doesn’t bring out the import of what the younger son said, essentially, that he wished his father dead. We would shudder to think we would ever say or think anything like that about God, but when, I’ll say I here, when I want His blessings more than I want to spend time with Him, when I live independently and go days without talking to Him, as if He didn’t matter or exist….. oh.
“But had I myself really ever dared to step into the center, kneel down, and let myself be held by a forgiving God?” “Not everyone chooses to take this step, only those who know their father’s character are moved to abandon themselves to his mercy alone.”
After all these years of being a Christian, I still struggle with really feeling God’s forgiveness. So many times I play the “avoidance” game, avoiding God because I think He must not want to listen to me, or asking for forgiveness but somewhere deep inside feeling that God has left me or is not happy with me. The key here was written in what Nouwen said you must know the Father’s character.
Resentment and gratitude cannot co-exist. How can I be grateful that I am forgiven and then resent it when a person who I may see as unworthy or judge them as really insincere is included in God’s grace, too?
And finally, that I cannot remain in the position of either of the sons. It’s great to bask in God’s forgiveness, but I am called to maturity and to become like my Father, and offer the same to others. Yes, it is difficult. “A child does not remain a child”.
Surely alot to ponder, and ponder,….
Susan, I felt the same! So much to ponder!
I had another thought…. Just imagine if there had been even a hint of not total forgiveness on the father’s part….If the returning younger son, deep down, didn’t really feel secure in his relationship with his father; if he felt that in some way he was in a “trial” period in which his father was waiting to see if he was going to mess-up again; if the father kept one little part of himself reserved from his son, demonstrating that he still held onto the offense…
I dont know why I’m thinking these thoughts, perhaps I’m examining why I don’t feel totally secure in my relationship with God; intellectually I know that God is not this way with us when He forgives. Also, must examine how I forgive – is there some holding back on my part?
But if the above were true, then the younger son could never reach his full potential as his father’s son; he would remain unsure, insecure, trying to please his father to earn his love. That would be an unhappy existence.
I was just thinking about what you said Susan, and the thought that comes to me, is that we”humans” all have this in common – we are sinners. And perhaps, we forgive one another, because we see in each other our own sinfulness. But God is not like us, He is without sin, He has never sinned! And that is what makes his grace, his love, and his forgiveness all the more wonderful! Because He is the perfect one, the one like no other! He is the perfect friend that we all wish for! The loving father and tender mother our hearts yearn to know. We are but shadows of the real thing. This is why I think in the Bible it says , He has set eternity in our hearts. He is all that our hearts yearn for.
B. When he said, “I’ve sinned against heaven” he meant he had not only sinned against his father, but against God. Explain why, when we injure a person, we also injure God.
I think ultimately this question is answered by our relationship with God. We are His creation, His children. So, when we sin, we are disobeying our Father’s commands, and the result of our sin against God affects others. God has and wants to teach us how to live and when we don’t listen, the result is sinning against God, hurting others and hurting ourselves.
* I think the only way we can truly have the right heart when we approach someone we have wronged is first recognizing and admitting to God that we have sinned against HIM. I really think that is crucial, without it I think the apology is in vain even if we do all the steps the right way. I strongly believe that if our heart is truly repentant before God He will greatly bless our efforts at reconciliation with the person in many ways, whether the person accepts or rejects our apology.
Also, we need to confess to the person we have wronged that we have sinned against God and also sinned against them as the younger son did to his Father.
You are so right, Rebecca, we can’t leave God out of the picture.
Absolutely. I need to remember this when working with apologies on either end, giving or receiving. In the same way that we need to confess our sin to God before apologizing to another person, I think we should include God in receiving an apology, forgive as He does for that reason. I’m sure I’d experience less of that after-the-fact bitterness if I purposely meant to forgive as God forgives, because He forgives.
I totally agree.
7. Meditate on the Father’s response. Go slowly. If a phrase leaps out at you — that’s the Holy Spirit. Share what you see.
* What spoke out to me was this:
“BUT WHILE HE WAS STILL A LONG WAY OFF, HIS FATHER SAW HIM AND WAS FILLED WITH COMPASSION FOR HIM; HE RAN TO HIS SON, THREW HIS ARMS AROUND HIM AND KISSED HIM.
21″The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.
** This stuck out to me a while ago, but God is really speaking to me now again and especially so after looking at the Rembrandt picture and the hands. What a beautiful maternal picture! His father saw him all torn up and ragged looking. He couldn’t help himself he was filled with compassion, ran to him, THREW his arms around him and kissed him. It is very strong emotionally here and something I would see a mother do to her son who had ran off and came back. The Father did this via his actions. He didn’t say, “Son I forgive you”-We know He did via His actions before the younger son verbally repented and then after when he celebrated. 🙂
On top of this the Father ‘PLEADED’ with the elder son to join in celebration. The one who was arrogant. Forgiveness was there even for him.
Could one have compassion and forgiveness toward a son or a friend when they basically left wishing you were dead, or were arrogant toward you? (The two worse kinds of slaps in the face).
The answer is yes.
8. Wow, that is something I am meditating on this week and something I am taking from this study this week.
3. Slowly read the planned apology of the younger son in Luke 15:18-19.
A. I will arise and go to my father. (Why is face to face usually best?)
I think there was plenty said about the email thing; I personally feel that if I am going to apologize to someone, if they live close enough that I can physically go to them, it is best, because I feel you should look the person in the eyes and say it in person. I think it also says you thought it important enough to take the time to come to them in person.
B. When he said I’ve sinned against heaven, he meant that he had not only sinned against his father, but against God. Explain why, when we injure a person, we also injure God?
When we sin against another, it involves not living the way God tells us to in Scripture. For example, we are to “rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Col 3:8) So if I have a fit of rage directed toward my husband and even curse at him, I have sinned against the Lord, too, and I need to ask Him to forgive me. Scripture also says that we can grieve the Holy Spirit with our behavior.
When Saul was on the road to Damascus and Jesus appeared and spoke to Him, He asked Saul, not why was he persecuting the Christians, but why was He persecuting Him.
C. Then he said, “and against you.” List the reasons he brought great pain to his father.
As we’ve said, the meaning of his request was like wishing that his father was already dead so he could get his hands on his inheritance. The feeling of having a child turn on you like that would be devastating. Having your love for your child utterly rejected and thrown back at you, unwanted.
He brought pain by leaving his father. I’m sure the father spent countless sleepless nights wondering if his son was okay, where he was, was he even still alive. I think of parents whose child runs away from home and how awful it would be to not know where they are.
D. When someone hurts me, it really helps me if they tell me why they know what they did is painful. Share an example.
What came to mind was my older sister. When I got married, she was married but then divorced. My sister was unable to have children. So she was single and working a 3-11pm shift, and I was married and began having a family. I became a Christian, and would at times try to “plant seeds”. I remember her saying to me once that she was lonely, and that “it’s not like Jesus comes and sits at the dinner table with me”. I didn’t really have an answer for that.
She eventually remarried, and is now married to a wonderful man, and is happy and she also is a Christian now. But several years ago, as she and her husband came over for dinner one night, I took her aside and told her that I was sorry that I didn’t do anything about her loneliness during those years when she was single. I had always thought that our lives and schedules were so different, it was hard to get together…..well, I didn’t really have an excuse. I admitted that, and was truly sorry that I didn’t make an effort to see her more often or invite her over, and that it must have hurt her that I didn’t.
Great model of apology, Susan. How did your sister respond?
Susan, what a story. You truly are a humble sister who desires so to please God! You encourage me. 🙂
Due to your story, the Holy Spirit just brought to mind something I need to really apologize to another sister for. I apologized a long time ago, but I am not sure she was satisfied with my ‘I’m sorry’. I didn’t really acknowledge her hurt.
Recently I asked her to come on here and do our study. She has forgiven me I know, but I don’t like the way I apologized-I have always felt convicted about it. This was around 15 years ago.
Here is what happened: God gave me the privilege of witnessing to her, and then after she came to know the Lord, He had me help her get grounded. When it was time, God gave her women to minister too and that she did! God REALLY gave her a strong ministry with women-He put her on fire. She called me up one morning and told me she led a girl to Jesus and has been doing the growing in Christ study with her. She was thrilled. I used to be really thrilled when she would update me, but this time I wasn’t. I can’t recall why-but I was selfish that morning when she called. I was probably in a bad mood and I said it was great but she detected the lack of enthusiasm. SHe was hurt.
She called me back and told me it hurt that I didn’t sound so excited. She thought it wasn’t right. I responded with something like, “I am excited! I am sorry I sounded so off.” That was it. I think it shocked her that I was so drearie with her..;-) (had to say ‘drearie’..haha!)
Anyway, I think she was still hurt and shocked at my response. To this day I haven’t called her back to apologize the right way. I need to do that today. She lives far away so I will call her. I thought about doing it via F.B. but not sure how that would go over after we talked about doing it via e-mail! I am sure I would type in something wrong.
Love you guys!
I also think she felt like a ‘project’ rather than a friend due to my lack of reciprocation in desiring to spend time with her as a friend after we stopped meeting for bible study.
You are a dream group — I hardly have to facilitate. The Holy Spirit is the teacher, and you are listening, responding, sharpening one another.
Love what you are seeing and bringing about the painting and Nouwen. If you know anything about Nouwen’s life and how he was transformed, living celibate despite homosexual urges, and spending his later life working with the severely retarded and handicapped — you cannot help but be impressed. He was Catholic.
Thank you for your prayers — and comments on the program. On again today. And I’m speaking in Michigan — got across the rough lake just fine with a little dramamine! 🙂
Keep it up, dream group.
Careful with your texting apologies. 🙂
Fellowsojourner, the article is very good. Thank you for posting it. Something that really stood out to me was that the older son did not really understand his position as a son. ALL that the father had was his. He could have had a party with his friends any time. I think that many times we work and work to EARN our blessing not realizing it is ours all along.
Another thing that stood out is the mention of the utter uselessness of the younger son and yet he is loved so dearly. I remember mention somewhere about the shape of his head and that it is not the head of an adult or even child but of a preborn infant, a fetus. Now that is helpless. That is a thing about ourselves that we try to deny so often.
Anne, I think it’s only in our surrender that we experience the fullness of the love of God. My “being sick” has really worked out a wonderful thing for me. I, too, like Susan has struggled with feeling forgiven by God, not someone really worth listening to! But when I became “sick” it’s like I had to surrender, and in the surrendering found the loving embrace of the Father. Undeserving as I am, it’s not about me, but it’s about who He is!
Fellowsojourner,
Thanks for the encouragement, that was beautiful.
Fellowsojourner, have you read The Sacred Romance? If not I highly recommend it. It is the most life changing book I have ever read.
Anne, Such wise words. For me I probably haven’t grown to be like the Father yet. I can identify with the younger and older son. I thought maybe I could really love like the Father does a while ago but God has shown me differently via this study and that I am barely scratching the surface in a lot of areas. My pride and my sin are always there and it drives me nuts-I hate it. I can be stubborn.
Can I love like Him-those who hurt me or those who are hurting who put themselves in the position they are in? I guess we could call them “the fools”. Do I observe and say, “She is a big girl, she did this to herself.” or do I have compassion toward her. Does it hurt me to see her falling headlong into trouble or being deceived and will I be there for her or just disconnect from her totally because it is her own doing, she deserves it.
When I see how God loves me it convicts me and reminds me that HE loved me in my foolishness, but at the same time it reveals how in and of myself I fall terribly short. Will I listen to the Holy Spirit’s leanings of pouring ‘excessive’ compassion on someone the world thinks doesn’t deserve it? There are a few gals I have in mind whom the people in our neighborhood don’t like. One hasn’t been kind to me either so I just stay away, but I don’t think that is how God wants me to respond.
Beautiful! You guys blow me away with your vulnerability, openess and desire to do the right thing! You bless me, I could sit here all day and think about all the good thoughts you bring to mind!
Thanks for your encouragement and thanks Anne, I will look that book up!
Keep on keeping on sisters! Have to run now!
Thank you again!
Fellowsojourner.
Rebecca, the important thing is that you WANT to respond in a Christlike manner. That is the beginning, God will lead in the rest. It is painful to love a prodigal. This God has been showing me in this and the Isaiah study. He has shown me that I cope with this pain by disengaging and trying not to care. It seems to me right now that the beginning of breaking out of this cycle is to begin to pray for that person. Many times they also distance themselves from us so trying to initiate contact can make it worse.
I have done some of the questions and would like to post what I have so far.
4. Principles of an effective apology: 1) He went to his father and faced him. 2) He acknowledged his sin and the fact that he had hurt his father and also God. 3) He did not expect to receive anything from his father, such as a return to their former relationship. By having no expectations I think we give the other person time and space.
5. What would I say and do if I were the woman who stole the jewelry from Dee? I would come to you and speak face to face. I would admit that I did indeed steal the jewelry and acknowledge that it was a terrible thing to do. I would say that while they seemed like monetarily valuable things to me, I can see that they were much more than that to you. I realize that in taking them I didn’t just take things, I took a part of loved ones that you have lost. I am in pain because I realize there is no way I can undo this thing that has hurt you so deeply.
After reading the current comments I feel like I’m running a race and am in last place-way behind the pack! This has got to be one of the most interesting bible studies I have ever participated in.
I had a wonderful birthday on Jekyll Island. Google it sometime and read the history behind this unique Georgia State Park. It’s a wonderful place to visit.
3.A. I also like to write out my apologies. Not email but a card or a letter. I have gone face to face, when strongly convicted, and confessed wrong attitude toward the person.
B. When we injure a person we injure God because we deface his image.
C. When I was a resident at our local battered women’s shelter I had a run in with another resident. It was totally my fault. The only place I had to run to afterwards for privacy was my car. I turned on the radio and heard Dr. Chuck Swindoll ask the question “Are you having a pity party right now?” He then went to talk about turning your problem over to God. The Spirit told me to humble myself and tell the offended party I was wrong. Walking over to her car and telling her I was wrong was hard. What was harder still was having her six year old son ask me “Why was you mean to my Mama?”. I couldn’t answer that question.
4.I see the son admitting his fault and expressing regret for his actions.
5. If I were the woman who stole from Dee I would confess my sin, ask for forgiveness and accept the consequences of my actions.
6. There is a wall between me and my sister. We’ve had no contact with each other for a few years now and yes I can share some of the blame. I’ve been wanting to write her for some time but to be honest I keep putting it off. Pray that the right words will be penned.
7. I’ve been thinking about the Father’s response all week. His giving the robe, the ring, and the shoes bring to mind what God does for each one who trusts Christ as Lord and Savior. He puts on us the robe of righteousness, praying in Christ’s name is our ring of authority and the shoes remind me of what Paul wrote in Eph. 6:15 ‘shod your feet with the gospel of peace’.
Very Good Tammy!!
Tammy,
Excellent insight!
I liked: “When we injure a person we injure God because we deface his image.”
and this: “He puts on us the robe of righteousness, praying in Christ’s name is our ring of authority and the shoes remind me of what Paul wrote in Eph. 6:15 ’shod your feet with the gospel of peace’.”
Glad you had a good b-day, Tammy! And I appreciated your reminder of Eph 6:15 “shod your feet with the gospel of peace.” Very much on target for this discussion — and convicting for me. Sometimes I shod my feet with cleats instead!
Renee and Tammy,
My feet were shod with HUGE cleats this morning. Long story, but pray for me.
praying right now
praying too.
I have just said a prayer for you too, Rebecca.
Dee, in answer to your question, my sister accepted my apology. She had never expressed any hurt towards me, but I felt convicted for not reaching out to her during those years she was alone, so I brought it up and apologized. I don’t remember everything we said, it was so many years ago, but it ended well!
I really stopped to think on a comment by Rebecca – that we can sometimes view people as a “project”, as in leading them to the Lord and then maybe always centering our time with them on Bible study, etc… (which is good, but…) But forgetting to spend time with them just to be with them, for friendship, and not having an “agenda”.
Susan, I had it done to me. I felt like a project and this dear, godly older woman kind of unintentionally passed that on to me. The good she passed on usurped this bad thing.
She was VERY RARE, just as Dee is rare.. Just think if you had a chance to do a one on one,life on life, study in scripture with Dee for a few years where you met each week and dug into the word with her. That is what it was like.
This woman was like sitting at the feet of Jesus. Her questions were penetrating and life changing and to this day the Holy Spirit brings things to mind that she taught me. I have to be careful with my words because the lives God touched through her were many. He brought many to know Him through her and the good outweighed the bad.
That said, I passed on the ‘project’ kind of thing toward my friend and I am sure some other things that weren’t exactly great in regard to the lack of grace with spiritual disciplines. 🙁
Long story short, although God enriched my life with the woman who discipled me, i was also unintentionally damaged as well spiritually in some areas. For example, verse memory is important and making sure you do your study and spend time with the Lord, but if there is no grace given to the one being taught then that can really hurt them spiritually in how they view God. We aren’t ‘cookie cutter’ Christians.
It took me ten years to get over this.. I really went into the desert for a while until God corrected my thinking. He gave me mercy and grace toward her during the time I was struggling, and while she lay dying in the hospital I went and read scripture to her. It was a beautiful time we spent together. She still kind of had that control thing going on but God helped me to see through it, that her intentions were good. She wasn’t trying to hurt me but trying to please God and SHE IS HUMAN. 🙂
Rebecca,
Thinking about what you said about a “project” and a para-church ministry. The project mentality seems to be a particular danger of campus para-church ministries that train students in evangelism and discipleship (or other current buzzwords), and I know I had a couple of projects — and have been a project, too! The situations when I was a project or looking for a project occurred when the “project-hunter” was obtaining some kind of training. College students frequently are doing “projects,” but even self-help books, church classes or outreach programs (as well as encouragement from others to invite people to church) can lead to a project approach to relationships. I’m thankful God can work despite me 🙂 . Yet it shouldn’t take a project mentality to light a fire under me or within me 🙁
Renee, I liked this: “I’m thankful God can work despite me 🙂 . Yet it shouldn’t take a project mentality to light a fire under me or within me :(”
SO TRUE! I can’t blame her or anyone else.. It isn’t US, it is the work of Christ in us and he works through us despite ourselves-despite our ‘methodology’ Even when we mess up, and we do…and we will. 🙂
Thanks so much for praying for me this morning. God has once again worked it out for His glory.
First off I think the points you made are great observations in regard to para-churches! I think there are some AWESOME para-church ministries that God has and is using in a mighty way. Even despite some of the issues that may come with it, it is like any church body we are a part of too, they have their weak points as well as strengths.
I agree wholeheartedly, I’ve been on both giving and receiving ends of the project thing and it’s no way to handle a relationship.