Next week we will start a study on women and friendship. Would you pray about who the Lord might have you invite to do this? You could:
Invite an old friend
Do it with a few friends at work
Do it with a small group
This week I promised you a contest. There are two chances to win — and a first and second prize for each. The contest deadline is Saturday, September 18th at Noon.
The first prize for each is a $25 certificate for a restaurant (you can let us know where) and 2 copies of the Friendships of Women. The second prize is any book you want from my website.
Contest 1: The best caption for the picture on the right of my new grand-daughter Mia screaming at my grand-daughter Sadie. (The caption I have right now is LISTEN GIRLFRIEND!!!!) You can look at it from Mia or Sadie’s perspective and you can submit more than one caption.
Contest 2: Describe an effective apology — what is needed to really lead to healing. We’ve all been victims of terrible apologies such as “I’m sorry if you were offended.” (That’s my favorite worst apology — translation: “I’m sorry you are so sensitive, but I didn’t really do anything wrong.”) What should you do if you have wronged a friend that will be likely to lead to healing?
Eager to hear your answers! And please pray about someone to invite to discuss friendship with you — beginning next week. I’m praying for each of you to hear from the Lord and act on it!
I’ll announce the winners next Saturday afternoon. Then I’ll post the new study topic Sunday night. Please invite your friends to the contest and maybe they’ll stay for the real ride!
122 comments
How fun! I love that picture. How about ‘Can you feel my pain sister?’ or ‘Do you know what I mean?’
I’m not sure I understand #2. Do you mean how I would apologize to someone I had wronged?
That’s what I mean! Good start on captions!
haha!! Great idea. Let’s see, I’m not good with captions but I will try: “Just deal with it sister!”
Or, “Can’t you understand? I’m devastated, my binky is gone!”
OH Wait, I like this one better: “But your MY best friend!!”
How many entries do we get?!? ;p
#2. I am guessing it would be something like this? First of all go to God and confess that you sinned against the other person and ask Him to ready their heart to be receptive to restoration.
Go to the offended: Make sure to state exactly what you did that was wrong, take responsibility for it that you caused their suffering-that you sinned against them and God. Then let them express how it hurt them and then acknowledge their suffering. Ask for forgiveness without anything in return-no expectations put on them. If they need time away from you to think through it before they accept your apology, you need to give them this time freely. Last, but not least, pray for their healing and that your heart wouldn’t come into condemnation if that person doesn’t respond with forgiveness.
Excellent response — and humbling to do.
Contest 1
I’M TELLING MY MOMMY IF YOU DON’T QUIT PULLING MY HAIR!!
Joyce, hahaha!!! Good one. 🙂
I like your new picture, Joyce!
Thanks! My husband is actually taller than Kendra and I but he was trying to get in one of those little booths with us! It was very tight in there for all three of us!
Love those booths. They are REALLY fun for kiddo’s but us adults find them a bit stressful when trying to get in and make sure our face is in the camera line. ;0) The picture looks awesome Joyce!
That is Mia’s reaction above. This is Sadie’s.. MOMMY…GET ME OTTA HERE!
I clarified a few things above for the contest — so look at the post again please. Anne wanted clarification on the apology question. Rebecca wondered how many answers you can submit.
And I should have told you the cut-off for answers: Noon Saturday!
Please encourage your friends to participate in the contest — for it may help them get intrigued by our study!
Dee and all, Thanks for the study on Rachel! I was following along, but too wiped out to post (going through a couple of “Rachel” situations). The study was timely.
Anne, I did check into how to search for someone. . . not very helpful. I learned that a good investigator should be able to find someone if you give him/her the person’s social security number, birthday, and/or state where they live. In rural areas, I’ve been successful calling someone with the same last name (or maiden name) in the phone book (and the communities were small enough that I could find people within a 60 mile radius). Sorry I’m not more help.
Cute pic!!!
Contest 1
From Mia: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. . . ”
From Sadie’s perspective: (to self) “Oh my! (deep breath) Let’s fold our hands and pray for her”
Contest 2
Rebecca’s answer is great. I don’t have anything to add 🙂 (not right now, anyway)
Thanks for looking into that for me. I have been in touch with a friend from high school and she has found someone, not the one I was looking for but the news was not good. I will keep trying and I’m sure she will too.
Dear Ladies,
I am asking for your prayers for my dad, please. It’s too lengthy and detailed to go into with much depth, but just to say that as a new Christian, he is facing alot of opposition. I really believe he is being spiritually attacked and even some in the family are making things hard for him. I mean someone has said to me that she believes his faith “is not real”.
I have encouraged him to start to go to church, and have taken him to my friend’s church for prayer and people there have met him and he would be so welcomed there. He needs to be part of the Body of Christ in a church to be encouraged and to grow. Am just praying for Jesus to protect him and to intercede for him. And to foil the enemy’s plans.
Susan, I am so sorry. I will be praying for your dad.
Susan, wow so sorry to hear that!
Lord, I just ask that you would protect Susan’s dad’s heart from the arrows of Satan. Give him assurance of his salvation and nudge him to go to the church you have chosen for him. God place around him strong male believers who will come along side him and get him going in the word with a daily study and help whomever you put in his path to be wise in encouragement toward him and in where to direct him as far as studying your word. We know God that it is your desire for him to grow and to go out and share with others the good news of Jesus Christ and to bring others into restoration with you. Lord, give him the strength to overcome these arrows being shot at him and help keep him focused on you. Thank you Lord that you have given him Susan in his life to encourage and to help him to keep his face on you.
Amen
Thank you, Rebecca…..Amen
I will pray for him. You are right — the enemy goes after new Christians. Love to you
Susan, Your Dad is on my prayer list.
“I said NOT TODAY, HONEY!”
I think the caption should read….”please, would you get a grip!!..
Contest 2 answer: Please forgive me..I was wrong..I have hurt you..your friendship is more important to me than you can understand right now, but I hope you can find it in your heart to “forgive” me.
Hi Dee here’s an off the cuff caption “that wasn’t my foot you stood on, it was heart honey”…..” What did I Miss….”
As for the apology…”I apologise for hurting you, please forgive me…you don’t have to respond straight away but please get back to me soon.I’ve asked God to forgive me before coming to you & I’ll praying about my heart, please pray also..thanks….(by this time I’d be crying)
bless you all:)
From Sadie’s perspective:
“Somebody, get me out of this nuthouse!”
SHE MAY HAVE REALLY FELT THAT WAY! 🙂
IT’S BEEN INTERESTING TO THINK WHAT BABIES THINK ABOUT…
THANKS,SANDY!
Sadie: “SOMEBODY, rescue me!”
Contest #1. Sadie: “All I said was hello.”
🙂
🙂 – good one Rebecca!
Great to hear from both old friends and new friends on both the captions and the apology thoughts. You are doing great.
I discuss apology in some length in the new edition of The Friendships of Women. It’s important we learn how to do this well.
I am thinking of making the Mia/Sadie picture into a notecard with a caption. It’s so great.
I appreciate all your thoughts, participation, and humor!
Love all the answers to an effective apology, one thing I would add is “change”. To me, I think, if I don’t really change, am I really sorry?? The change may take some time and hard work but it’s an outward expression of what is going on in my heart. (or not!!)
Awesome point Fellowsojourner and something to think about.
I wondered if someone would add that to Rebecca’s great answer. Good for you, Fellowsojourner.
Actually, I think this answer is really ‘key’, because if the offender’s heart isn’t changed first how can she begin to take responsibility for it or follow through on the steps to bringing healing? Just a thought.
Caption:
“Do you understand ENGLISH?”
Real apology:
An apology that is going to bring real healing will require that both parties acknowledge two things. First they must recognize that there were at least two people involved in the hurt. Each owns only their part of the problem, and can help heal the situation if they decide to own and reconcile their part of the problem. Neither party can use the other persons mistakes or weaknesses as a way to justify themselves or their actions. Then together everyone involved must form a team to develop a plan as to how healing will be grown. If only one party is part of the healing and blame process, then restoration is imbalanced and actually called forgiveness at that point because it takes only one choice to forgive. I guess what I’m saying is that so long as blame and punishment for the wrongs committed is not included in the apology, then an apology is real and can in fact bring about healing for everyone involved. Otherwise the choice being made to bring about healing is not steps for restoration, but is simply a choice to forgive.
O.k. here is something I just thought of while I was taking a shower just now..
What if you have truly repented before God, have a change in your heart and fully see and take ownership of what you did, you go and approach the person in love in the ways we have all listed and they don’t respond the way we like even after a year goes by, or they say something very hurtful, or may never forgive?
OR, what if you were the one wronged and YOU called to try to bring about restoration due to your desire to come back together for the glory of Christ so that the gospel wouldn’t be hindered, and that person didn’t see it or just treated you badly again?
I don’t know, just some thoughts. 🙂
What I was trying to say is that the choice I make to forgive really isn’t dependent on the choices anyone else makes.
Amber, Excellent point. 🙂
I know there is a verse that says that inasmuch as it is up to you, be at peace with others. So if you have done all in your power to bring about reconciliation but the other person refuses, then that is left between them and God. You can keep praying for them.
The good thoughts you are sharing make me think I will begin addressing this topic in the first post of Friendship on Sunday.
Would love to hear thoughts on the above queries from various women…
AND I’M GOING TO JUMP IN WITH A FEW CAPTIONS — EXCEPT I CAN’T WIN! 🙂
YOUR CAPTIONS INSPIRE MY IMAGINATION FOR CAPTIONS:
DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST YOU?
OH DEAR — I GUESS THAT WASN’T THE BEST WAY TO TELL HER ABOUT JESUS
Ok, the wording needs tweaking, but when I see Sadie’s expression, I think of the look of a deer in headlights!
“Like a deer in headlights is the scream of a friend.” Proverbs 59:54 (my phone number at work — and there have been a few times when the “verse” fit!)
Mia to Sadie “you don’t have to be so stressed”
so sorry I had the names wrong…should be Sadie to Mia “you don’t have to be so stressed” my bad
Thank you for your prayers for my dad. I have found strength in drawing from the many Psalms we have studied together and finding them a way to pray for my dad. Also, speaking truth to my soul and recounting all the sure promises of God. Knowing that anyone who goes against a Christian is up against God, too!
I’m not very creative, so I don’t have an idea for the picture of the grand-babies, but for the second one, I would say that an effective apology is one where you take 100 percent responsibility for what you did and or said, and make no excuses, no rationalizations, no blame passing, but you say you are sorry and ask the other person to forgive you. You have to humble yourself to do that and be ready to admit you were wrong. It must also be sincere, and I think your tone of voice and body language go a long way in conveying whether you are sincere or not. And in preparation, have already gone to the Lord and asked His forgiveness and ask Him to prepare your friend’s heart to hear your apology and to help you communicate clearly.
I like what has been said so far for #2. Many of the comments have made me think and I have learned from them. I am thinking about my motivation for apology. Do I apologize because I am a Christian and I know the Lord would have me to do it. That is good, to do it as unto the Lord. But is it because I feel obligated in some way. Or maybe I want to relieve my own guilt and make myself feel better. But what could be better than genuine love and a heartfelt desire to restore the relationship. Wouldn’t it show in nonverbal ways?
I am worn out these last few days and should already be in bed. Tomorrow is another long day but after that I will have some time off. I am going to think about this some more and reread the comments. Then I want to compose my apology. Thank you so much ladies. Good night.
Contest 1
Caption
YES! I AM TALKING TO YOU!!!
Contest 2
An effective apology includes the words I WAS WRONG…. Admitting fault is not always easy for it forces us to admit we are flawed creatures. I have learned from experience that saying the words “I was wrong when I… helps me to see the ‘weeds of my garden’ God’s Spirit pulls out by the root.
GREAT TO GETTING SOME STRONG WORDS ON EFFECTIVE APOLOGIES
CAN ANY OF YOU THINK OF AN EXCELLENT APOLOGY IN SCRIPTURE FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER? THERE ARE GOOD PSALMS OF REPENTANCE TOWARD GOD, FROM WHICH WE CAN GLEAN — WE HAVE ABIGAIL APOLOGIZING FOR HER HUSBAND, AND JACOB PROSTRATING HIMSELF BEFORE ESAU — BUT EVEN THEN, I HAVE NOT FOUND AN EXCELLENT APOLOGY. THERE MUST BE ONE — ANY THOUGHTS?
David offered a heartfelt apology in 2 Samuel:
13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. 14 But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, [a] the son born to you will die.”
15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.
That’s great, Amber. And we can learn things from David’s apology to the Lord about apologizing to people. Thanks!
What about the apology from the prodical son to his father? Luke15:11:31
vs.17-24: “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here am I starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men. So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found. So they began to celebrate.
I think this had all the markings of an effective apology. First, the Lord worked in the son’s heart and he “came to his senses”. The next thing he did was turn around – he headed toward his father’s house. His thoughts even before he met his father were thoughts of humility and repentance. Then the champion of the story “his dad”, like God, while he was a long way off, filled with compassion, ran to meet him! The son, once again, acknowledges his sinfulness and the father once again the hero of the story – you get the feeling that even before the words are slipping off the son’s tongue the father is ordering the robe to be brought (our covering??), sandals on his feet!
I love what I heard once, the story instead of being called the Prodical Son, should be called the “Forgiving Father”. I think also we can learn from the response of the father.
YES YES YES!
I’D FORGOTTEN!
PERFECTO!!!!!
THOUGH IT IS A PICTURE OF HOW WE SHOULD RESPOND TO GOD, YOU DEFINITELY CAN ALSO LOOK AT IT ON THE HUMAN LEVEL.
THANK YOU FELLOW SOJOURNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love that example!
We don’t have evidence of the actual apology but I think Paul must have told John Mark he was wrong to have not wanted him along with he and Barnabas. (Acts 15:36-40) In 2 Timothy 4:11 we read the words,”…Take Mark, and bring him with thee: for he is profitable to me for the ministry”.
I was curious about that one! I’m also curious about Joseph’s brothers (and will explore that a little more). Initially, I think they were more concerned about their own hides (and their father) than about Joseph. But my memory might be based more on the “amazing technicolor dreamcoat” than on Scripture!
As far as offenses between believers I was thinking of Euodia and Syntyche in Philippians 4 when they were having their feud. Paul tells them to agree with each other in the Lord. Perhaps to solve their disagreement in and through Christ rather than on their own. He also encouraged involvement from an outside party to reach out and help them reconcile.
I have always been curious how it started and how and if they worked it out.
I have lost a very good friend! I don’t what happen? I feel that she just doesn’t like my company, has found another friend, or worn out with the friendship. I would like to know if I did something wrong or not. If i need to apologize I would. I’m hurt and miss her. Thanks
Hi Carrie,
I’ll pray that God will give you insight, show you something you might be able to honestly apologize for. That would be better than having to ask her, for if she is really hurt, she might hope you would know what it is. If you are silent before Him repeatedly and nothing comes, you may have to go to her, tell her you love her, know you’ve hurt her, and want her to be honest with you. That’s my thought — I wonder what some others would advise…
Lord, You are the healer — I do pray You would shine your light into Carrie’s soul when she is still before you. We lift this friendship up to You.
In Jesus Name
Love to you, dear one. It makes me sad to see you in pain.
Lord, I pray this prayer for Carrie and her friend also. Amen
Carrie, You’re in a difficult situation — and it’s hard to respond. It’s very possible you haven’t done anything to hurt her. Sometimes our life circumstances take us (friends) in different directions, including to other friendships (and we become so busy that we don’t see how we might be hurting others). You wrote that you are hurt and miss her. Perhaps she is the one who has wronged you?? If she hasn’t done anything specific, I certainly wouldn’t accuse her. But, could you tell her what you wrote here — that you are hurt and miss her? (IF you did something to hurt her, that might open the door to finding out what. But if you didn’t do anything to hurt her, trying too hard to find out what you did wrong most likely won’t help the friendship.)
Your question has me thinking about a couple situations in my own life. This week, I had a “rude” email from a friend — if she had received the same message from me, she would have been horrified. But I really believe (because I know this person pretty well) that she is generally clueless about the impact of her behavior on others. I’m committed enough to the friendship that the email bounced off me. But with another person — and I’m not particularly committed to friendship with her (the friendship is superficial), I wonder if it’s time to “let go” and move on. I’m wondering about seasons of friendship; but it seems pretty easy to “revive” close friendships from the past (so maybe they weren’t just for a season). Is it important that “friends” have the same definition of friendship? Well, that was a lot of rambling. Carrie, I’ll pray for you and your friend — that God will encourage you as you move through this.
Very good counsel.
Renee, You have great advice. I have the feeling my friendship was for just a season or reason. We have been friends for about 10 yrs.I don’t think I did anything wrong. I just feel she worn out or bored with this friendship. I have given 100%. She will not return emails, phone calls, and etc. We having been painting buddy for 5-6 years. The hurt is being cast away like a worn out toy. I know I need to just “let go”, but I enjoyed her friendship and I feel stupid for being so hurt. I know GOD will take away the pain. How do I truly just “Let GO”. Should I sent her a letter or just walk away!
Thanks for your prayers
Carrie
Some friends are sent to be in our lives only during a time of struggle. Those types of people in some way enjoy being able to help and see very fast evidence that they have been a positive influence in our lives. This kind of attention takes a huge amount of energy and just can’t be expelled forever.
I see it sort of like a crisis team that comes in to help when nothing makes any sense and then when that season is over they move on to the next crisis. In order for them to move on we become stable enough to start the rebuilding process.
These friends are not there for rebuilding, but came only for a rescue. Rebuilding requires a slower pace because it takes much longer to complete. The crisis team gives everything all at once but tends to wear out quickly because they are not very evenly paced in how they give out to others. In order to do what they do best the crisis team can’t pace themselves in the same way that re-builders can’t surrender everything they have to give all at once.
I mention that because if this is the case with your friend, then in some ways it just might be a sign that you are no longer in crisis that she has been able to move on. I know it hurts to see friends move along at times, but this might actually be an opportunity for you to establish some rebuilding with new friends that pace themselves and are better designed to help you in the longer term rebuilding process.
Appericate your Godly wisdom Amber..making me reflect on friendships. thanks
elizabeth
Wow, Carrie. I’m not surprised you’re hurt. 10 years is a long time to be connected to a close friend. You definitely don’t need to feel stupid for being hurt — most of us would feel hurt in your situation. I probably wouldn’t write a letter (partly because that is a lot of work!! — but also because a letter might completely end a friendship that, maybe in a few years or more, could become close again).
I have a hard time walking away from anything or anyone unless I’m walking toward something or someone else (or I end up going in circles). I just received a work-related email that shows me that sometimes I can’t “fix” a situation even by following instructions OVER and OVER. But I can run to and rest in Jesus. I’m praying you will rest in Him, too. It’s easy to get bogged down by focusing on a problem we can’t solve. Will keep praying for you! (and I’ll have a good reminder to pray for you when I start pounding my head against the wall because of a problem at work).
Renee, Thanks so MUCH for your insight and advice. I love all of it! Thanks for all the prayers. With JESUS I WILL get through it!
Carrie
Renee, Ditto what Dee Said, very wise advice.
All the prayers of forgiveness everyone has done here would be what I would definately want to say to someone if I need to apologize to a friend.
I’ve been doing some studying about asking forgiveness, in an apology……
Pray before, as to how to ask forgiveness.
Sometimes it might be easier to write a letter of apology, hand written, take time and write down what exactly you need to ask.
Offer hope that you believe in the relationship and that you still cherish your friendship.
Forgiving yourself and others is about setting yourself free from bondage.
A relationship without forgiveness is no relationship at all. It’s not a choice, it’s God’s will.
If they refuse to accept your apology and asking forgiveness, accept it and go on and learn from your mistakes.
Give your pain to God and let him work through your healing process.
My apology would go something like this…..
You have been on my heart and I want you to know that I truly believe in our friendship and I cherish you so very much. If I have done anything to hurt you, please forgive me. I would never intentionally do anything to harm our relationship; you are too dear to me. I pray we can be close again. Please forgive me.
I wanted to tell you that Kendra got her cast off her leg/foot after 2 months! It was really hard helping her so much as she had to be in a wheelchair the whole time. I just praise God for getting us through this difficult time. The Lord has made me see that her disability that she normally has is not that bad. She walks and dances and sings her little songs about Jesus and it is music to my ears! So many kids are in a wheelchair all their lives. I thank God for her CP and seizures and mental challenge as it makes her be the very special and precious gift from God that she is! God has opened my eye’s through this experience. Thank you for your prayers!
Joyce, I can’t think of words to describe my thoughts and feelings as I read this. How God has opened your eyes to see your blessing. I pray that I may also see as you do.
Hurrah! Such a sweet picture. Glad to have the cast off!!!
That was my response, too 🙂 A very sweet picture.
Oh Joyce, that is so incredible!! That is like music to my ears!! :0)
Rebecca, After listening to YOUR music on YouTube, I REALLY appreciate the power behind the music comparison when you use it 😉
Ladies, I don’t know how much I will be able to participate in the upcoming study. I have sensed a call to a BSF study on Isaiah and God confirmed it with placement in a group for next week. I have never done a Bible Fellowship study but have heard that it is intense which is why I don’t know how much I will be able to participate. This group also has studies for school age up to 12th grade and I hope that Joey will go with me if I can make it attractive for him. I am praying that he will turn toward God now because I am worried about him.
Anne — you are always welcome to drop in and out. The Friendship study especially so — you are always welcome but should never feel you must!
It would be wonderful if Joey could participate in the Isaiah study with you.
Anne, I have a buddy who is doing BSF and is doing Isaiah also. 🙂 Look forward to having you here when you when you can make it!
Thank you both and I will join you when I can. This is a subject I am very interested in. Dee, you are a gifted Bible teacher. I have learned so much. My heartfelt thanks to all of you for your love, prayers and for the way you have spoken into my life.
Anne – YOU have been a blessing!!! Thank you Anne!
Thank you Fellowsojourner. Have we not all been blessed? God is truly at work here!
AMEN to that and Ditto what Fellow Sojourner said.
Wow ladies, I am finally getting to read everyone’s responses and encouragement. I am encouraged!
I am always skittish about opening up too much online but if we were in a group setting live, I know I would because I really want this rooted out of my heart. So here it goes. I will try to be wise with my words here yet open:
To put it bluntly I am REALLY, REALLY hard on myself. In every area of life and also in friendships. If a friend were to hurt or wrong me, I would go to her first thinking I did something wrong to make her treat me that way.
I am not a ‘life of the party’ type person. I am shy when I am in group settings. As a matter of fact I kept away from female friendships growing up because they were too complicated and a lot of the girls were mean. So I played mostly with boys.
After I am done interacting with a friend that is more of an acquaintance I tend to assume after being with her that I am sure I said something really stupid and she thinks I am an idiot like everyone else does. It is really STUPID when I think about how I constantly think like this.
I guess I really want to be at the place where I can be free from it and be content with how God made me-who I am and keep my self from assuming when I walk away from a social setting that I messed up with something I said or did. It is such a selfish way to think.
Sorry for the psychology trip here but perhaps this study will help me in this area, or perhaps a wise counselor here. 🙂
Hey, Rebecca, I feel the same as you about friendship. I’m a very shy person and have a hard time making friends. I always feel like i say the wrong thing.
I was a tomboy growing up and didn’t have any close girlfriends- hung out with the boys.
I would like to have a friend who like me, not just my interests, hobbies and etc.
God bless!
Rebecca and Carrie, I’m alot like you also…shy and hard to make friends. Growing up with 3 older brothers, I played with them alot as my neighborhood girl friends kept moving away! I still think of those girls and have never seen them since! I’m the type that once I know you and become friends I never want to let you go! I want to keep you forever! Rebecca, I think you are too hard on yourself; your NOT an idiot or stupid. I admire you so much as you have such wonderful insight and wisdom in the word and you are such a wonderful and loving mother to your 4 boys. You are so very special in your own way. God made you just like you are because he loves you that way! This friendship for women study will be so great for all of us. Love you all
Joyce, I have to say God has given you a HUGE heart for people and you just exude His love. Thanks for the encouragement as I know it comes from God. :0)
Hi Carrie,
I am afraid I may have strayed off the topic. Yikes! But it looks like you can relate! It’s good for us to know sometimes that we aren’t the only ones. :0)
I pray God will do a work in your life as well as mine in this area. I know He will! :0)
I think also what God has brought to mind today is that the key to having healthy friendships with women is to NOT focus on ourselves, but to be ‘other’ centered. There are many ‘other’ centered verses like “Consider others more important than yourself”,’Love your neighbor as yourself’, and many, many other verses that instruct us on how to love and have healthy relationships. When God is at the center and we can rest in His love for us I really think He takes care of the friendship issues as they come along. He will give us the strength and conviction to apply the ‘others’ verses in our lives. I firmly believe he will guide us in timing and in what to say and how to approach a friend to bring healing. This is easy to say but it takes faith to put into action and believe me there are times I am a huge coward. :0)
I think God wants us to put ourselves in our friend’s shoes rather than place expectations on them. We will be able to give them space, and freedom to have other deep friendships without being jealous.. Friends are a gift from God to encourage, be encouraged by, to serve and to fellowship with for His glory.
I think we may view friendships wrong to begin with and maybe that is the place to start?
Hi Rebecca, thanks for all your words of wisdom! I really apprecaite it, cuz i’m hurting and God will take it away.
I try not to focus on myself and put myself in her shoes. I have been giving her alot of space. I have always been there for her – heart problems, pneumonia, emotional stuff, etc. I have never expected anything in return, cuz friends do that.
We both have other friends.
I will give it time. Healing takes time.
Thanks
Carrie
It is my sincere belief that God desires to give us a “garden of friends”. Just like the flowers that bloom, then fade away…some friendships will move on, and new “buds” appear, many coming into full bloom. It is God’s desire that we always be sensitive and sharing HIS love with one another, but remain “strong” in HIM, when some of those endearments recede, or fade (or die). If we have been to blame for the friendship to grow cold, or fade, then, by all means, we should apologize and ask forgiveness for any hurt we have caused. But, and it is a large BUT, God might just be leading us into “greener pastures”, or even to the “streams of quietness”. And we need to sometimes “let go”, and be led by God.
Bonnie, I love what you wrote. This is one I will copy and put on my fridge to remember. Thanks!
Thanks for all your replies to my “thoughts” on this blog. Thanks to you Dee for allowing us a place to thing and grow in Jesus’ love. Please pray for me this next week, as my wedding anniv. will come around. It would have been our 48th. I am climbing into Jesus’ lap for the complete comfort that only he can give, but I still hurt and grieve.
Sincere thoughts for all of you in your own daily battles of ‘thoughts pleasing to him’.
God Loves YOU
Bonnie
Bonnie, A garden is a wonderful analogy. Gardening and flowers are a form of stress-relief for me; I can visualize a garden of friends 🙂
Without my friends holding my hand these past 20 months, following my husband’s death, I would still be in my “cavern of grief”. I count you as my newest friends. Thanks to all,
“Love never fails”
Bonnie
First Caption: I already told you I am NOT a baby! (Mia to Sadie)
Second caption: Wow! I think it’s time for your nap! (Sadie to Mia)
This picture will be a classic to them when they grow up! Precious.
Blessings to you, grandma!
SO FUNNY!! I’m just getting ready to settle in to a night on the computer. Woo hoo!! Pretty good to start an exhausting evening with a big grin on my face. Both are great, but the first one especially CRACKS ME UP!!!
I hope my writing makes more sense on the stuff I wrote for work last night than it did here 🙂
Yours does Renee, I can relate! Well, perhaps in a slightly different way. After reading what I wrote earlier I thought yikes, I hope I don’t sound like I am “Mrs. professional friend person”, then I saw all my comments and thought, wow I think I might break the record for the most comments on one post. :~)
WHAT ARE PEOPLES’ FAVORITE CAPTIONS SO FAR?
CONTEST ENDS TOMORROW AT NOON!
MY DAUGHTERS, THE MOTHERS OF MIA AND SADIE, ARE WEIGHING IN. 🙂
My favorites: 🙂
Debbie Starr says:
I already told you I am NOT a baby! (Mia to Sadie)
Rebecca says:
Sadie: “All I said was hello.”
I have to side with Renee on Rebecca’s caption for Sadie: “All I said was hello.” :0)
Mia to Sadie: YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!
I also vote for ‘all I said was hello’
I am bribing Joey to do BSF study with me. He just accepted my terms. YES!! A moms gotta do what a moms gotta do…
But seriously, I am praying that he will see the awesome beauty of God’s word through this study.
Anne, That is so awesome!! As you know His word never comes back void and it cuts to the bone and marrow of our souls. God will speak to him I am sure. 🙂
My kind of woman. Steve threatened to put on my tombstone: “A bribe works wonders.” (from Proverbs) I bribed my children to memorize long passages of Scripture.
Caption 2
Sadie to Mia
“Oh. I see. You lost your happy place.”
Mia to Sadie
“Don’t take it out on me just cause your diaper’s full and mine’s not” !
Sadie to Mia
“Mommy! Where are you?”
Coming up with some good captions! Cut off noon today. I’ll be busy til later in the day — I would love it if one of you at noon or shortly after would write down all the captions with the names of each woman who contributed it — and post them here? Do I have a volunteer?
I’m happy then for any of you to vote — but as my Dad used to tell me when I was little, we weigh the votes here — and Mom and I have the most weight. 🙂 I’m giving myself and the mothers of Sadie and Mia pretty much weight — but considering all other opinions!
Dee, I will help.
Anne: “‘Can you feel my pain sister?’ or ‘Do you know what I mean?’
Joyce: I’M TELLING MY MOMMY IF YOU DON’T QUIT PULLING MY HAIR!! That is Mia’s reaction above. This is Sadie’s.. MOMMY…GET ME OTTA HERE!
Joyce: Mia to Sadie- “Don’t take it out on me just cause your diaper’s full and mine’s not” !
Sadie to Mia- “Mommy! Where are you?”
Renee: From Mia: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. ”
From Sadie’s perspective: (to self) “Oh my! (deep breath) Let’s fold our hands and pray for her”
Renee: “Like a deer in headlights is the scream of a friend.” Proverbs 59:54
Kari: “I said NOT TODAY, HONEY!”
Bonnie Walker: ”please, would you get a grip!!..
Rebecca: “All I said was hello.”- Sadie
Elizabeth: “That wasn’t my foot you stood on, it was heart honey”…..
”What did I Miss….”
Sandy Coons: “Somebody, get me out of this nuthouse!” – Sadie
Sandy Coons: Sadie: “SOMEBODY, rescue me!”
Amber: “Do you understand ENGLISH?”
Alda: Saide to Mia- “you don’t have to be so stressed”
Tammy Luccioni: YES! I AM TALKING TO YOU!!!
Tammy Luccioni: Sadie to Mia- “Oh. I see. You lost your happy place.”
Debbie Starr: First Caption: I already told you I am NOT a baby! (Mia to Sadie)
Second caption: Wow! I think it’s time for your nap! (Sadie to Mia)
Mary: Mia to Sadie: YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!
Dee, I will help.
Anne: “‘Can you feel my pain sister?’ or ‘Do you know what I mean?’
Joyce: I’M TELLING MY MOMMY IF YOU DON’T QUIT PULLING MY HAIR!! That is Mia’s reaction above. This is Sadie’s.. MOMMY…GET ME OTTA HERE!
Joyce: Mia to Sadie- “Don’t take it out on me just cause your diaper’s full and mine’s not” !
Sadie to Mia- “Mommy! Where are you?”
Renee: From Mia: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. ”
From Sadie’s perspective: (to self) “Oh my! (deep breath) Let’s fold our hands and pray for her”
Renee: “Like a deer in headlights is the scream of a friend.” Proverbs 59:54
Kari: “I said NOT TODAY, HONEY!”
Bonnie Walker: ”please, would you get a grip!!..
Rebecca: “All I said was hello.”- Sadie
Elizabeth: “That wasn’t my foot you stood on, it was heart honey”…..
”What did I Miss….”
Sandy Coons: “Somebody, get me out of this nuthouse!” – Sadie
or, Sadie: “SOMEBODY, rescue me!”
Amber: “Do you understand ENGLISH?”
Alda: Saide to Mia- “you don’t have to be so stressed”
Tammy Luccioni: YES! I AM TALKING TO YOU!!!
Tammy Luccioni: Sadie to Mia- “Oh. I see. You lost your happy place.”
Debbie Starr: First Caption: I already told you I am NOT a baby! (Mia to Sadie)
Second caption: Wow! I think it’s time for your nap! (Sadie to Mia)
Mary: Mia to Sadie: YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!
(Ladies, look at these and make sure yours is on there. I am pretty sure I got all of them but could have missed one.)
Rebecca — THANK YOU! SO MANY FUNNY ONES. THIS HELPS ME!
Dee, I know, after looking at it in a list format there are too many good ones to choose from! They are really funny.
Hi Ladies! This is Sally, Sadie’s mom! I had so much fun reading your ideas, I’ve been laughing out loud! I like them all, but if I had to choose a few favorites, they’d be:
Anne: “‘Can you feel my pain sister?’ or ‘Do you know what I mean?’
Joyce: Sadie to Mia- “Mommy! Where are you?”
Kari: “I said NOT TODAY, HONEY!”
Bonnie Walker: ”please, would you get a grip!!..
Debbie Starr: Wow! I think it’s time for your nap! (Sadie to Mia)
Good luck everyone!
Sally
Anne, Mia’s mother, voted for Joyce’s “MOMMY! GET ME OTTA HERE!”
I am friends w/ a gal who I knew 10 yrs ago thru our assoc. pastor, it’s his wife. We became great friends and they were mentors for me. He passed away 7 yrs ago sudddenly and her life has turned upside down. We all have supported her over these 7 yrs and she has done much healing. She still struggles w/ seeing a future for herself w/out her husband – he was God’s hands and feet for her. She and I now work together and our friendship has taken some twists that have been difficult for me.
I have owned up to caring too much, smothering at times and initiating most of the things we have done together. Now she is finding her independence and has said she wants freedom to have new friendships, do other things, etc.. I can handle that but the hard part now is she has put walls up between us, had stopped sharing her life w/ me more than usual and is very private. She seems now to only want me when she needs me for something. I have backed off, asked for grace and forgiveness and it seems accepted but only for the moment. We still work together in a Christian ministry which makes it harder knowing she wants space and the freedom to do other things. She still keeps her committments w/ her other close friends but with me there’s a tendency to pull away unless she “needs” me. I have been looking for a different job for a variety of reasons, one being the strain it has put on our friendship and she knows that is 1 piece of the puzzle. I just need the grace to love her where she’s at, work w/ her as best I can and trust God has a plan.
It just hurts when I miss spending time together and sharing our hearts and now knowing things have changed between us. I am growing and working at not being so sensitive but when you are around a person 5 days a week and go to the same church, it’s hard knowing they don’t want to spend time w/ you as much as they once did but I am working thru it, ever so slowly. Also praying God brings new friends into my life that helps fill that void.
Lisa-
I have recently walked through a situation that is very similar to the one you describe here. I imagine that the pain you are describing here is much more muted than what you really feel. Your talking about the death of a friendship, that you are reminded of constantly. Nothing about that place must be comfortable or easy.
It seems you have been trying to come to a place of resolve about the friendship over all having changed. Clearly you don’t like all of those changes, and nobody would blame you or say those feelings are not valid responses because they are very valid reactions. I wish something I could say would help make the journey your on easier, but I can’t say anything except I’m so very sorry your struggling in this way.
All I have to offer is two simple pieces of advice that I learned while walking a similar journey to yours. Maybe something in them can help you some.
1. First I had to fully grieve the friendship, and be real with myself about the things that had died. There is a loss that needs to be acknowledged before we can really pick up and move away from the hurt. Then after that process had come full circle, I personally had to look at the parts of me that were still very much alive even though the friendship was not. I then made a choice to feed those alive parts of myself rather than thinking back on something that had perished.
2. It is absolutely okay to say you are not happy about how someone else is treating you. That other person might come up with excuses that justify why they are allowed to do these things to you, but even the best of those statements mean nothing if your heart is being hurt or dragged down by the way the friendship leaves you feeling at the end of the day.
Not sure I replied to this — but was impressed at your maturity!
Thanks for your understanding and advice, it is much appreciated. The hardest part is that we still work together 5 days a week and go to the same church so knowing that person doesn’t enjoy me as much is difficult to cope with when we are always in the same christian ministries. She wants me when she needs something. We can enjoy one another one day and then the next day its like a switch – she’s withdrawn, walls are up, etc..probably b/c of past issues I have had w/ wanting to spend so much time together. She fears she will be drawn back to that so she hardens her heart. I have totally backed off from that but tell her I miss our times together. I keep praying and trusting that God will work all things out.
Thanks for your prayers but more are needed. A week ago a mutual friend of ours (the gal I work w/ and struggle with) accidently sent her email reply to me too. There was a long paragraph about me that was shocking. She said I didn’t know the meaning of real friendship, that I want a friend to be there all the time and never know how to give and take. I am the one who has been the initiator in the relationships b/c otherwise we never do anything. I have smothered and have stopped that so much. I do enjoy this friend but she has changed a lot since her husband died. She’s trying to be indendent, self sufficient, hates to ask for help, etc. She wants me when she needs me but otherwise doesn’t like to share her life w/ me anymore. Like I have said, she now wants me when she needs me. She has talked abiut me behind my back when I have repeatedly asked her if she would keep issues between us and not share them w/ her friends/family b/c it changes their perceptions of me.
The email went on to say that maybe my friend needed to keep our relationship as a working one only and not do anything together outside of work. That she can’t give me an inch so to keep distant as much as possible. We work closely at our ministry. That’s hard. She also mentioned whether my job could be eliminated and split between her and another person or would that make it that much more worse. It was very hurtful. I emailed my friend that received the email saying that somehow the other gal must have accidently sent it to me too and that I was sad about all the comments. She only replied by saying that despite what I read that she still loved me. She wants our friendship to be fun and take it a day at a time. The gal who wrote it has not connacted me yet and I do her bookkeeping for her b/c she is a missionary. I’m not sure how long before she will call or email me and whether she will even mention the things she wrote.
I want to be Christlike, I want to see these Christian friends the way the Lord does, but when they talk about you behind your back and say hurtful things, that’s hard. I asked my friend I work w/ if she would do me a favor and not discuss issues between us w. her friends and family. She never replied. That huts my trust in her. Any advice?
Hi Lisa…so sorry for your heartache with this friendship ….I was just wondering if you’re in ministry/working together do you have an elder person, mature leader in this ministry to take this to , as an advocate between you & friend/s to discuss this situation & email with?In serving Christ together there needs to be away to be to reconcile not necessarily as friendship as once was but as servants of Christ serving together in ministry;where there isn’t division in serving Christ, the emeny will use this situation & seems to be to stop the both of you flow together for God’s purposes in serving Him.
The Lord has put you there to serve & it is for him to move you on not you friend, all sounds divisive & needs an advocate to step & help you Lisa. I’m not trying to overlook the hurt of this friendship but I don’t think it can be resolved without inviting someone you both respect to step in…With desire of your heart to do it the Lord’s way I pray you will know the Lord in every detail of this situation,hopefully your friend will desire the best for you & even if she can’t meet with you, I pray Lisa the Lord will restore you knowing you tried to be as open & honest as possible in seeing the right thing done by your friend, my the Lord heal the hurts & know the Lord will bring across your path a friendship of his making, a friendship in which will bring out the best in you both even in misunderstandings & it will be friendship which adds to you both & will glorify The Lord.
I hope I have understood what you have said Lisa but I know there is more wiser thoughts which will come to you through this blog from your sisters in Christ. He is the glory & lifter of your head Lisa.The Lord is your healing balm.
Lisa,
Wow, I am so sorry you were hurt that way. I would be crushed! I agree with everything Elizabeth said. Very wise counsel. I think you do need an older, wiser person to intervene. This reminds me of the situation Paul had to deal with between Euodia and Syntyche in the Philippian church who fought. He called in a third person. Your reconciling is really for the cause of the gospel so that it wouldn’t be hindered.
I am also thinking that usually when these things happen it is because one or both parties are putting their sufficiency in each other. In this case I don’t know so I can’t say that for sure, just guessing. It sure is so easy to do though. 🙂
When we put our sufficiency in Christ it is easier to not have such tall expectations on others, and Jesus will direct you into humility and wisdom before that friend as to how to handle it. I have really learned this in my marriage that is for sure! When Jesus is sufficient to meet all our needs it frees us from expecting those needs to be met by another person.
Trust Him and just remember, humble yourself and do the right thing-find out if what she is saying has truth to it or not and go to her in love-and if she doesn’t reciprocate then you are free from it and you just pray for her. It could mean a restoration, or a parting, who knows how God will use it in your lives.
We don’t know the journey of growth He has her on, this could play a big part in it or could be a piece of a long string of things she may continue to do in relationships until He gets her total attention. We all have these areas of growth just like she does so ask Jesus to help you to show her grace in that as well. I know it is hard though when you have been hurt! 🙂